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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling upset that neighbour cut down all my roses in the garden while on holiday

271 replies

FlowerScarlet · 01/07/2023 23:10

We were away on holiday for 10 days and had asked our neighbour to water the plants in the green house whilst we were away. Turns out she did a lot more than what we had asked for - the entire garden was completely weeded, plants and shrubs shaped and manicured, we were shocked and genuinely grateful, she did not have to do any of this, we didn’t even ask to water the garden as we thought some rain here and there would be enough. Everything seemed perfect except she cut down ALL our roses!!!!

I have been feeling quite upset what she has done without our consent. We have 5 different roses shrubs/climbers in different areas of the garden, she has cut most of them to none. Before we left they were all in full bloom, very leafy, big shrubs with abundant flowers taking up a lot of space. Yes they did look a bit wild and overgrown, but we always went for the wild cottage garden look instead of the perfectly manicured look, and June / July is the time roses really grow and flourish. And although I’m not an expert at rose gardening, I’ve always done my hard pruning in winter/early spring, and they were all this year’s growth. She did not just cut back on the dead flowers, she literally cut majority of the canes back to the ground with no roses and leaves left except a few leggy canes! I really don’t know why she had to do this and even though it’s been a few days I still cannot get over it every time I see the bare garden with great view of the perfectly weeded soil from the kitchen window… From the short conversation we had after we came back it sounded like she thinks she has done us a favour, I think she thought we don’t do any maintaining and looked overgrown, but first of all every pruning articles and tips I read states that summer is not the time to do major hard pruning of roses, and secondly I just feel so upset that she thought it was OK to just do this without me knowing. I did take care of my roses and they are mine… When we came back she did ask if she could take the rose cuttings to plant in her garden and she did take a bunch of them home, which now got me thinking did she cut them all down so she could plant in her garden???? She’s a lovely neighbour and we like her a lot but this has got me feeling bitter. Aibu for feeling this way?? Should I speak to her and tell her how I truly feel? Or would that just make her feel bad? Should I just bottle this feeling and move on and look forward to enjoying the roses next year?(hope she didn’t ruin them…)

OP posts:
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13
icelolly12 · 03/07/2023 21:10

That is more than just a bit of pruning. Just why would she ruin such beautiful roses?! That is horrific. I would have been devastated. I am devastated just looking at those photos. I would have to ask her what on earth she was thinking.

Whataretalkingabout · 03/07/2023 21:17

This is pure vandalism! The outrage! I cannot believe anyone in their right mind would conceive of doing this to a neighbor's garden.

I am equally horrified at the number of spineless people who suggest pretending that nothing happened . Why? There are MN'ers who think it is better to be a coward?

This has nothing to do with politeness. This is a criminal act. If this goes unpunished or even unacknowledged it could happen again. This person deserves a serious fingerwag. Notify your solicitor OP and have them send a letter.

Artymas · 03/07/2023 21:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

IcedBananas · 03/07/2023 21:36

I find it weird she did all this other stuff you hadn’t asked her. The roses are the worst example but weeding and cutting all around your garden when you just asked her to water some plants in the greenhouse. Did you ever hint that you wanted to do that stuff but didn’t have time or similar? If not I’d not ask for her help again as she’s likely to overstep massively again!

Lainie · 03/07/2023 21:52

dont ever ask her to feed the cat, you will come home to new wallpaper and a whole new style of furniture! :o x

Mmhmmn · 03/07/2023 21:57

I don't think I would raise it but don't ask her in future. Having said that she might think that having being asked once, she has carte blanche to always garden your garden while you're away.

Lindylindyloo · 03/07/2023 21:59

There is such a thing as a summer prune after the first bloom. Not saying she should have done it of her own volition or if she went too far but we cut ours quite hard back and we’re practically all roses in our small garden. You get a great second showing

Tippingadvice · 03/07/2023 22:06

@Artymas you need to start your own thread.Click the Start New Thread link at the top of the page.

FlipFlop1987 · 03/07/2023 22:16

It’s criminal damage and there’s no defence really, it’s awful and she had no right. What doesn’t add up, so many are saying she was trying to help but cutting back the dead heads but she asked to keep some of the clippings so she knows far well she’s hacked off healthy branches. I agree that her home is probably full of vases and she’s got herself some nice new borders. I’m intrigued how she’s going to play this one. But you definitely need to say something or next time she notices you’re away, she’ll be back in!!

LoisLane66 · 03/07/2023 23:27

Thinking about it, she murdered your roses. They looked beautiful before she decided to help herself. The cheek of it and asking if she could take them. I'd personally be incandescent with rage.
Well, nothing to be done except make it clear as day that NOTHING gets touched other than watering where and what you decide...if there is a next time.
Maybe you have a responsible teen in your road who would only water what you ask to be watered. Maybe cost you a few pounds but better than feeling angry and having to wait a whole year before things grow again.
If she asked why not her, I'd say that I couldn't get over her cheek at cutting plants she had no right to cut and you couldn't trust her not to do it again.

mylifestory · 03/07/2023 23:34

She's mental. Steer clear.

LoisLane66 · 03/07/2023 23:47

@Artymas
I think you're on the wrong thread but I advise you to lean in near her when she gives you the once over + smirk and say something like "I know you're jealous but there's no need to look sad. Maybe if you did something with your hair and skin it would make you feel better when you look in the mirror."
I'd give her the same or similar type of response every time.
Many decades ago, I had a 'friend' who often asked to borrow money or my car and I always told her that I never lend money or car, not even to my own children. I stopped meeting her but if our paths crossed she'd use some choice words and try to goad me. I'd just laugh and agree that I was a cu*y tight b**h blah blah a d whatever she chose to think but I never needed to borrow because I could afford to buy my own things.
She got fed up with me agreeing.
It's a sweet feeling when no-one can get under your skin and it's much easier to laugh and tell them you don't need their validation as it's worthless.

tattygrl · 03/07/2023 23:48

FlowerScarlet · 02/07/2023 18:39

Sorry to cause confusion! That one photo with the hedge is a photo from last summer (before we got rid of the hedge as it has yew berries that are poisonous) since I couldn’t find a good photo from this year with the similar angle earlier. But here I have found one I took in June this year before we left from holiday v. taken today.

I am starting to get used to seeing my garden in this new state, although still sad about the front bit, I’m starting to feel maybe they were a bit too overgrown and she has done something I would’ve never done myself which can be good (although she still never should have done this without my consent and definitely did overstep the boundary). They will grow back and I will tell her to never do that again if we ever ask her to water our garden again (probably not).
Thanks everyone for all your input and validation, appreciate it.

This is utterly bizarre. How upsetting. I think I'd have to say something. What a nasty thing to do.

MaitreKarlsson · 04/07/2023 00:05

A friend of mine has a really calm way of dealing with this kind of thing...she asks a pointed question and waits. Usually the other person knows they are in the wrong and starts babbling. She doesn't respond till they've run out of steam. It's non-aggressive, but assertive.

So for example- "Hi Ann, do you have a moment?..
So...my roses.
What exactly happened?"

That's it. I reckon your neighbour will sing like a canary and you'll find out what actually happened. She's praying you don't challenge her on it.

TigerJoy · 04/07/2023 00:27

I can't believe how conflict-avoidant people are. There is some particulary bad advice from people suggesting you pretend to play dumb and say you like how it looks, was she giving it a mid-summer prune? in the hope she'd then explain.

Yes she is your neighbour and that's why it's reasonable to tell her exactly how badly she's hurt you by overstepping. I don't think it would be unreasonable to seek damages to restore your garden to how it was before. But even if you don't want to go down that road, at the very least you need to let her know YOU KNOW how unreasonable she's been, it's not on, and you'll not stand for it again.

PinkLazyApple · 04/07/2023 01:36

Shocking behaviour. Has to be spiteful.

But I'd be more worried about the hedge, I don't know if it'll recover. Did she cut it down to the wood?

RosaCaramella · 04/07/2023 02:51

Does your neighbour have a nice garden? Does she seem to know what she’s doing with plants? If so, I reckon she thinks she’s done you a favour. You did say she was nice.
Could the roses have developed black spot fungus on their leaves? The advice there is to defoliate. Although I can see she’s gone quite a bit further than that.

You could always ask her why she gave the roses such a hard prune and tell her you don’t normally do that mid summer. She may have good reasons, even though you didn’t ask her to do anything other than watering.
I think you’ll know in her responses if she is genuine or if she was just helping herself to bunches of your flowers and taking cuttings for her own garden. If it’s the latter, don’t ask her for help again.

Cariadm · 04/07/2023 03:31

GrumpyPanda · 03/07/2023 19:22

That sounds awful! Hope you made the neighbour from hell pony up for fully mature replacements.

Show quote history

Money wasn't the issue and the shrubs were irreplaceable...'Neighbour' was so pig headed, rude and unrepentant there would have been absolutely no point in even asking anyway!! Needless to say he was as 'dead' to us from that point as most of the shrubs!😡

ClymYeobright · 04/07/2023 07:45

RosaCaramella · 04/07/2023 02:51

Does your neighbour have a nice garden? Does she seem to know what she’s doing with plants? If so, I reckon she thinks she’s done you a favour. You did say she was nice.
Could the roses have developed black spot fungus on their leaves? The advice there is to defoliate. Although I can see she’s gone quite a bit further than that.

You could always ask her why she gave the roses such a hard prune and tell her you don’t normally do that mid summer. She may have good reasons, even though you didn’t ask her to do anything other than watering.
I think you’ll know in her responses if she is genuine or if she was just helping herself to bunches of your flowers and taking cuttings for her own garden. If it’s the latter, don’t ask her for help again.

With respect, it’s irrelevant whether the neighbour was ‘genuine’, or believed she was doing the OP a favour. The outcome was still that the OP has lost her roses in the middle of their blossoming season. Even if the neighbour thought she was doing the right thing because of disease, it wasn’t her call.

aflix · 04/07/2023 08:21

DH killed my favourite climbing rose by 'pruning' it when I was out, I've never forgiven him. You have my deepest sympathy OP.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 04/07/2023 08:28

Ignore people making excuses for her, I'd go fucking mental! How dare she????? You need to say something or you'll come home one day from a day out, to find more major callings

Lovescookies · 04/07/2023 08:37

@FlowerScarlet Just to let you know that your thread has been picked up by The Mirror and Daily Express online, both are showing on my homepage news feeds.

StoreroomsCabinetsandCrates · 04/07/2023 09:14

I doubt this was spiteful. I have noticed some 'gardeners' love to cut cut cut back - to almost nothing and don't see the appeal of the country garden look. I imagine she thought she was doing you a favour. I have noticed this type, once they start cutting back - they don't know when to stop - keep going and going 'to even things up', to remove every 'unsightly' leaf or stem until there is barely anything left. They have little concept of how different it looked at the start to how different it looks in the end. Other than 'now it looks very tidy'.

If it was me, I wouldn't say anything, I just wouldn't ask her to water the garden again. It will grow back.

You can confront her but know that it will damage the relationship for ever. Over a misjudged favour. Not worth it.

Hanlon's razor. Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

SicParvisMagna · 04/07/2023 09:46

Forgot to say OP this was another rose I cut down late spring. End of March to be precise. Look at it now!

Feeling upset that neighbour cut down all my roses in the garden while on holiday
Feeling upset that neighbour cut down all my roses in the garden while on holiday
RosaCaramella · 04/07/2023 11:33

@ClymYeobright
“With respect, it’s irrelevant whether the neighbour was ‘genuine’, or believed she was doing the OP a favour. The outcome was still that the OP has lost her roses in the middle of their blossoming season. Even if the neighbour thought she was doing the right thing because of disease, it wasn’t her call.”

I’m not sure what your point is. We all know it wasn’t the neighbour’s call to make. The damage is done now so what matters is how the issue is approached. It’s not really worth going to war with a “nice” neighbour over some roses though, is it?