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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

eating food without permission

606 replies

thecatswhiskrs · 20/06/2023 12:25

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

  • A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
  • A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
  • I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

OP posts:
Grrrrdarling · 26/06/2023 02:27

thecatswhiskrs · 20/06/2023 20:18

Thank you all so much for the replies. Some of them made me laugh, some made me think and it was great to get them all.
I can't answer all of the things people said but a few things to clear up:

  • DH has definitely got a disordered attitude to food and finds it very hard to control himself when confronted with anything that he perceives as being desirable. He never gets these urges for carrots or apples!!
  • So, he's not really hungry. Or, if he is, he often only has a few minutes to wait until dinner is ready.
  • The irony is that he keeps telling us that he really can't eat any sugar and it's bad for him...
  • The children are now getting older (teens) and are getting more stroppy with him because, although they are very happy to share, they would like him to first check that the food is spare. It is the stroppiness of the teens that he finds most difficult to deal with. DD2 manages this by either leaving dire notes near anything she makes (Don't eat this or you will DIE!) or she just absconds with things to her room (which I don't like her doing at all).
  • The irony of all this is that while he wants people to be more generous, the upshot is that the DC are all even more protective of their stuff because they are not sure that he will behave politely :(
  • We do have snacks, bread and other ingredients lying around that are all fair game if he wanted to make himself something...

And this is not the only issue of contention in our house. DH has very different ideas about many things to me. He cooks at weekends and I cook during the week. He has always refused to help tidying up during the week because I 'make more complicated food' and therefore make more washing up. He says that if he helped with the cleaning up he would be 'encouraging me' to continue to make a surfeit of dirty dishes. Apparently I need to learn by experience to make less (!!)
It has taken a long time but I'm planning to file for divorce very soon....

Thank you all!

Your DH is an arse, the kids know it & you know it.
He thinks lording it over everyone & stealing is a nice way to behave when it is not!
I’m surprised you are not divorced already!
Good luck & I’d be adding something to some items of food to teach him a lesson about taking other people’s food without being considerate & asking first!

YeOldNoName · 28/06/2023 14:54

dartsofcupid · 20/06/2023 12:43

interesting logic, where does it end? I paid for the toilet roll so wipe your bum on a curtain?

He'd probably whinge that he paid for the curtains too 🤣

Littleladygeorge · 02/07/2023 11:18

I’m sorry but I think you’re being unreasonable. Have you thought of communicating with him and actually telling him that cookies/biscuits/cakes etc are made for a certain occasion? Maybe put a label on them (made for xyz). Communication is key and it seems like there might be a lack of it.

NeonSoda · 03/07/2023 05:12

Littleladygeorge · 02/07/2023 11:18

I’m sorry but I think you’re being unreasonable. Have you thought of communicating with him and actually telling him that cookies/biscuits/cakes etc are made for a certain occasion? Maybe put a label on them (made for xyz). Communication is key and it seems like there might be a lack of it.

Imagine thinking a woman should do all the additional mental and physical labour of labeling food in her own home just so that her selfish partner doesn’t scoff it and cause more mental and physical work for her.

GrumpyPanda · 03/07/2023 19:17

Littleladygeorge · 02/07/2023 11:18

I’m sorry but I think you’re being unreasonable. Have you thought of communicating with him and actually telling him that cookies/biscuits/cakes etc are made for a certain occasion? Maybe put a label on them (made for xyz). Communication is key and it seems like there might be a lack of it.

RTFT. OP has clearly stated he steals from a special cupboard specifically dedicated to family members' personal, not-for-sharing items.

As to the kids' baking - pretty obvious that's not up for grabs when it's clearly sitting there to cool off from the oven and maybe even still needs glazing although I'd be tempted to surreptitiously grab one or two pieces.

lilkitten · 10/07/2023 14:16

I could not live with him, he's seems to only think about himself

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