eating food without permission

[thecatswhiskrs]

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

• A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
• A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
• I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

That doesn't make sense. You say there are some times when you get feedback that people wanted more. Do you just take one sausage each then come back for more when you've eaten that then? If people just take whayltbthey want and they want more than you cooked, how come there's any left for the last person serving themselves?

OP is communicating though, and her DH is ignoring it and saying “I pay for it so I can do what I want”. Not all communication is verbal, it’s also learned behaviour, codes, common sense, eg a cooling tray of biscuits should communicate “this baking isn’t yet to eat, it’s being cooled”. The same way the tray of biscuits in the oven communicates “these aren’t ready to eat, they’re being baked” or the dough in the bowl communicates “not ready, need to be rolled and cut out”.

Another system OP has in place is standing at the hob cooking dinner. Only someone very rude would lean over and help themselves to dinner from the pan, whether she’s cooking limitless sausages or an allotted portion – and we don’t know her portion sizes were the same all round, you read it as 3 sausages and 2 bacons each, I read the “for instance” as one person might have 3 sausages and 2 bacons for instance, another might have 1 of each. It doesn’t really matter: it’s bad table manners to grab things before they’re served at the table.

yeah, this

I think that he is indicating that he has no problem paying for a quantity of food adequate to provide extra portions. If that plan means purchasing extra quantities , and he is paying ,wherein is the problem. Tbh , it doesn't require much more effort to cook extra bacon or sausage or to bake an extra dozen cookies.

He should so the shopping and cooking then.

I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon.

Just to say that, on average, men do need a fifth more calories than women. I suppose it depends on what kind of job you do, exercise etc. Does everyone give themselves the same amounts? I always give my DH a bit more otherwise he'd be hungry. I notice if I have the same as him I start to put on weight.

But its always the good stuff they appear to need. Extra cookies. Extra meat. Never an extra slice of toast and extra eggs in the morning, or an extra cheese sarnie at lunch.

Besides, most people eat their calories intake.

500 calories isn't much more, and who is to say the OP and her teens are not tall and require more than 2000 calories a day. Maybe she is active and he sits at a desk? Who knows.

If you're eating the correct number of calories, none of it is 'extra'.

Everything except leftovers and sweet treats are for anybody. Leftovers you ask first as they might be for school or work. Sweet treats will belong to someone and taking without asking is asking for trouble in our house lol. Hope you made sure he had no bacon on his plate since he'd eaten his share. He could of waited til it was plated up

Exactly. There are sufficient calories in our kitchen (fridge/cupboards) that no one, man or woman, needs to fall short in relation to their daily calorie intake.

What we're really arguing about is whether they are entitled to eat it all in steak/sausage/bacon/cookie form if that means others not getting their fair share. To which my answer would be 'no'.

But if on average men need 55g of protein a day and women need 45g, isn't that their fair share?

nobody is starving with 3 sausage and two bacon. especially since there is probably also other food. I am a fat ass and even I only eat 2 sausage and no bacon.

then the person who is still hungry gets up and makes themselves a sandwich, toast, grabs some fruit, heats up some soup, or does a thousand other things that don't involve eating the food other people made for themselves or that are on other people's plates or cooling racks. He is not a toddler.

3 sausage links have 27 grams of protein. And that is little american breakfast sausage. I think you alls are way bigger.

I don’t see the OP communicating. She stated they “mentally allocate” that’s thinking in your head, that’s not communicating. She’s not telling him nor are the children telling him if anything is earmarked.

He’s not ignoring prior communication because he is only being told that he must ask permission before eating. He’s not said “I pay for it, so I do what I want” he has rightly in my opinion objected to having to ask permission of not only his wife but his children before he can eat food that he has paid for- as in fairly contributed to its existence in the house.

I don’t agree on the cookies cooled on a tray or the eating a bite from a pan either. People can choose to do things differently in their own homes, but there is no set rule as to what is rude or not, and I don’t think it’s ever appropriate to frame food being eaten by a family member as “nicking” or stealing food.

It makes perfect sense. No one is left with nothing or too little food as you seem to be worried happens. If there wasn’t enough of one dish within a meal, they eat a bit more of another dish. That’s it. Then the feedback is little more of this, little less of that. There’s never been a case of anyone going without.

I agree.

I don’t give anyone anything. As soon as the DC were old enough to hold a spoon..so age 4 or so…they have taken what they want of each dish at mealtimes. DH and I always serve ourselves as do any other relatives staying with us.

What if it's on my plate and my greedy DH eats it while I've popped upstairs to check on the DC?

It will depend on the convention in each household, but there are clearly circumstances where food is intended for particular people or a particular purpose and if one family member eats it, then they're an inconsiderate arse.

I do agree but did not want to comment on the OPs portion sizing. My point was limited solely to the fact that she is setting portion sizes on a same food per person basis.

I don't think you've understood the op at all. Neither have you answered my question.

Tell me how it gets self served? Does the last person sometimes miss out on a key food ( e.g. the protein) and if not how come?

I think you're just describing an almost identical system to the OP. People self regulate what they take with others in mind and eat something else if they're still hungry. That's what the OP OH is not doing.

We can do what ifs all day long, but I think it best to limit ourselves to the scenarios that happened to the OP in order to better advise her.

Oh I agree. It's 37 who thinks it's outrageous to ask him not to take food prepared by others for specific purposes. OP is really clear that there's plenty of food in the house and no one is trying to restrict him from eating that.

Just pointing out that there are lots of circumstances in which it is inappropriate (and could be categorised as "nicking") for a family member to take food.

I have understood the OP. I have answered all your questions.

We serve ourselves. The last person has never once gone without any dish within a meal because we cook enough for the whole family, based on how much the whole family as a group tends to eat.

My system is nothing alike. I do not cook 3 of this and 2 of that per person ever. I do not count or measure how much each person eats ever.

The OP isn’t allowing self regulation. She is allocating portions on a per person basis and getting upset when her DH eats a bit more than what she allocated (sausage and bacon example). She has also taught her children to not communicate, but to ‘mentally allocate’ leftovers as in planning but not communicating to anyone that the leftovers are for a lunch and then the child gets upset when the leftovers get eaten.

Her solution to the not communicating proactively, is to make her DH, and only her DH, ask permission before eating.

Her system is nothing like my system.