eating food without permission

[thecatswhiskrs]

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

• A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
• A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
• I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

Selfish prick.

Is he fat?

See I find this attitude weird... So if he wants a snack he should get in the car and go and buy one, rather than have one that‘s already in the house?!

We are a family, we buy family food, everyone knows what counts as snacks and can be eaten without checking, and what tends to be allocated for a main meal, in which case they would check first.

OP, your DH is not being reasonable, but do you not have general snacks that are up for grabs? When I shop I tend to ask people what they want, and then that‘s what we get. Why can‘t you all sit down and discuss what is available and what isn‘t?

If my dp took a sausage and 2 rashers out of the pan he'd have a sausage and 2 rashers less on his plate.

Unless he is in sole charge (or indeed, any aspect) of menu planning, food shopping and food prep then he asks before launching into random food in the fridge. You know what you've bought and planned for, he's being both greedy and selfish by just helping himself.

Tosser!

No he's unreasonable. Would he agree to leave things alone if they're labelled like the lunch or if DC says 'dad the cookies on the side are cooking please don't eat them until I've finished with them'?

The dinner thing he'd have just got no bacon. When asked say he already ate his.

no-one has to ask permission to eat in our house - but there is still a level of politness so if something looks like its an ingredient for a main meal eg chicken breast or something then people would check first before cooking it, if its something like nuggets from the freexer than thats just snack lunch food that people can help themselves to.

No-one would do more than nick a chip or a piece of cucumber whilst dinner was being cooked and served up!! certainly not a big component of a meal!

Packed lunch - we often have left overs in the fridge from meals etc so it wouldnt be clear if someone had 'dibs' so in our house if you are saving something like that then its made clear to everyone else not to touch it or its put into the persons lunch box so its obvious its spoken for.

Cookies - if we know someone has baked something like this 'just for general consumption' then we do all tend to just nab one. again if its been baked for a purpose then its highlighted to others not to touch

If he wants a snack check with whoever manages the kitchen - is it ok to eat xxx

If he feels insufficient stuff is available , ask for sone things to be added to the shopping list

Behave like a decent human

Don't assume that it's my money so i can do what I like with everything - that's red flag territory

I am generally of the consensus that if doing a family shop, it should provide for all so he has sufficient snacks or other food that he wants but he needs to communicate this. I expect DH to add to our list if there is not enough of something or he would like a different snack. When I’m already shopping for the house, I wouldn’t dream of telling him to go buy his own snacks separately

However the examples you’ve posted are awful - what kind of a father eats food their child has planned made for their own lunch or finishes a huge portion of their baking?!

Selfish and thoughtless

Cookies - if we know someone has baked something like this 'just for general consumption' then we do all tend to just nab one

People like OPs DH are likely to eat all the snack food before others even get a look in. Not good if it is meant for the entire week. And it's unlikely he needs to eat it all.

I'd go nuts to be honest, it would totally throw my meal planning off. If he wants extra food to snack on then he should buy it himself.

We kind of have "family food" which is dinner ingredients and lunch box stuff etc and then "personal food" which DP and I buy specifically for ourselves, for our own lunches and snacks.

It's kind of an unwritten rule / understanding that some food is off limits and needed

Classic dominance game. Wanker.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it.

If that really is the case, I'd spend more of his money on more food in case he nicks what you'd planned for dinner.

Sausages and bacon? Do an extra half-dozen of each. Let him moan about the expense instead.

This is the way it is in our house, the answer 99/100 will be knock yourself out, but just check first, not permission per se, just basic manners.

Cookies - if we know someone has baked something like this 'just for general consumption' then we do all tend to just nab one. again if its been baked for a purpose then its highlighted to others not to touch

@BrieAndChilli Actually I think the cookies is one of the worse things. Even if the child had intended to share with family there are, by the sound of it, at least four family members. So if he is so greedy that he can't wait for his share then the most he should have taken was a quarter of the cookies. But no, he snaffled way more than his fair share before anyone else even got a look in.

He sounds like a greedy, selfish pig. Is he very overweight?

My ex h used to do this. I had a thread on here about some a 250g dairy milk for a cake to be made the next day. I'd gone to bed, so he waited until midnight, decided I wasn't getting up again and helped himself. I was furious as it meant going to the shop to buy more and I didn't have time. Bear in mind, I'd bought two to try to circumnavigate his greed. He ate both.

I was accused of being short of money by MN. It wasn't that at all. He just ate everything in sight and complained about money when I bought more, got annoyed at having to visit the shops for more or him refusing food I had cooked because he had loaded up on snacks.

Now, as an ex. He goes into my kitchen and scoffs half a packet of biscuits while getting a coffee. I caught him last time. He looked so silly there, a grown man with his mouth bulging with biscuits. He refuses to buy himself snacks as he doesn't like the expense. They're 50p!

To pp who asked if the DH was fat. Fat and greedy aren't necessarily always combined. Exh is like a twig. He boasts about being 9 stone. He's just mean and greedy. I wonder if the OPs DH is the same. Thinks he is entitled to all and any food because he paid for it, and also the food he didn't.

No. He never replaced the bloody chocolate either.

Eating the cookies - he should ask first in a "wow, who made these cookies? They look delicious, can we share them now?" Type way where the asking is part ask and part compliment to the chef!
Packed lunch - dick behaviour.
Bacon - that's ok, he's eaten his bacon before it got to the plate, everyone else gets served bacon on a plate, he gets a baconless plate.
I would say ingredients in the kitchen are fair game for anyone to cook with unless it has specifically been stated that "the sausages are for tea on Thursday" for example.
Food that has been cooked belongs to the person that cooked it. If you want some, you should ask for it first.

He may have paid for the food, but did he write out a list, drive to the shops, purchase the items, put them away and later prepare them for eating?

I'd suggest the amount that he pays for the food is probably less or equal to the cost of labour for all of the above. If he wants more to himself, maybe he should start contributing to this labour?

tl;dr - he's a greedy cunt

This is absolutely ridiculous for a grown man! It's not about "asking permission", like you're the grown up and he's the child, it's about living in a mutually respectful way.

It's so basic. When there is food in the house that I didn't cook, I'd ask the person who cooked it, "have you got plans for this or is it going spare?" When there are ingredients in the kitchen that I didn't buy I'd ask the person who bought it, "is this for something in particular?" And if there are snacks around that look different to the usual stuff we always have, I'd ask "do you mind if I have some of these?"

And I can't really countenance living with someone who didn't instinctively operate that way too...!

Wow @thecatswhiskrs he sounds very entitled and to throw out that he paid for it when we are talking about dc's food etc., that's horrid. Of course if you are hungry get a snack, maybe have 1-2 biscuits out of 12 homemade, but to take like that is quite something.

He’s rude, selfish and greedy.

In the child’s lunch and cookies scenario, I’m appalled! What kind of parent does that??

In the latter scenario, he gets his allotted dinner minus the stuff he stole from the pan.

If he’s hungry he can have some fruit or make himself a sandwich, not scarf the food other people have prepared.

Ex husband was exactly like this. Zero consideration for anyone's needs but his own.

He sounds like a complete and utter prick.

I'd put your husband in charge of food shopping and cooking from now on.

I would hate my loved ones to be food shaming me. I have a snack box (I'm underweight but due to medical reasons eat alot). Could he not do the same?

Also everyone eating the same quantity is odd.