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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

eating food without permission

606 replies

thecatswhiskrs · 20/06/2023 12:25

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

  • A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
  • A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
  • I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

OP posts:
Talkinrubbishagain · 22/06/2023 17:53

I’ve given up baking for my grandchildren as their dad pinches it

notjaneausten · 22/06/2023 17:56

My ex complained about quantities of food not being available. This is the bloke who I cooked meals for after I’d been at work until 7pm, who came in and whined ‘I don’t fancy it’ I can hear him now.
So, I drove to the supermarket on the next shopping day, my ‘day off’ and I spent twice as much on things that I thought we’d all enjoy.
And I continued to do this, he’d kept the housekeeping pared back, it was retaliation time!
He never complained again. Can you tell, I really didn’t like him.

Royalbloo · 22/06/2023 18:00

Nah he's an arse

Royalbloo · 22/06/2023 18:01

SkyandSurf · 20/06/2023 12:53

Selfish prick.

Is he fat?

This - is he?

LillyOfTheValley2020 · 22/06/2023 18:09

I agree with most people, YANBU and he has bad manners on this area. But, would it help the situation if you allocated a drawer or one of the veg boxes in the fridge and he can either buy or ask you (kindly!) to buy certain things to fill it up with. Then that's all his whenever he wants it and the rest is strictly off limit.
Also, the cookie example is literally "taking candy from a child" - itself awful. I wonder if there is more underlying issue on controlling his urge to scoff like that...?
Another rule we have in the house is: if in the middle of the night you want something and you eat it then you replace it for when it's needed. I.e. if it was all the bread then you earned yourself a trip to the shop at 6am.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 22/06/2023 18:11

He sounds like gluttonous pig.

Jayne35 · 22/06/2023 18:24

Fair game"? Cookies that someone else (who you know has guests over) just baked from scratch and left out to cool? You would seriously reach out your hand and grab one?

one yes, of course, but we are a relaxed household about food and if I made cookies, cakes (which I often do) I have no objection to family eating them while they are warm 🤷‍♀️

Toomuchtrouble4me · 22/06/2023 18:25

To keep the peace I’d invest (his money) in some tupperware and a wipe off marker for stuff that’s been made for later/lunch etc. tell kids to put a note on bakes for bake sale etc but if cookies are for home I can’t see why he can’t have a couple. And get more snacks in - chicken legs and a bit of sushi in the fridge and crisps and cookies in the cupboard? If he pays for all the food then buy more, if he complains about the increasing food bill then you can tell him why you’ve had to buy more.

OatALot · 22/06/2023 18:38

Jayne35 · 22/06/2023 18:24

Fair game"? Cookies that someone else (who you know has guests over) just baked from scratch and left out to cool? You would seriously reach out your hand and grab one?

one yes, of course, but we are a relaxed household about food and if I made cookies, cakes (which I often do) I have no objection to family eating them while they are warm 🤷‍♀️

We're relaxed too and I'd grab one but I'd be pissed if someone took a third.

Teaismymiddlename · 22/06/2023 19:07

Sorry but he sounds like a greedy prick

My husband would take a sausage messing about but would fully expect to then have one less on his actual dinner plate

Wouldn't dream of eating something the kids had made without asking or being offered first

Ilovecleaning · 22/06/2023 19:09

DismantledKing · 20/06/2023 12:26

He sounds like a wanker

Definitely. So did you say ‘ ok you’ve had your 2 bits of bacon, so you just get sausages’?
Or can you ever say ‘Look I’m FUCKED OFF with your childish behaviour with food!” - then tell him everything in your post?

Pepsi2001 · 22/06/2023 19:12

Rude selfish behaviour

Icantfindmykeys · 22/06/2023 19:23

This would make my piss boil. What a CF’er !

Pinkfluff76 · 22/06/2023 19:31

He sounds like a selfish twat. Pointed out he paid for it. What an absolute arse.

Clarabell77 · 22/06/2023 19:33

We would always ask in our house if something like you’ve described is okay for eating, and I will say to everyone (for example) there’s leftover pizza if anyone wants to eat it before it needs thrown out. Biscuits, crisps, snacky things and tins, packets and frozen stuff is there for the taking but in general cooked meals/lunches and nice baked stuff like cupcakes and cookies is not, as someone has usually taken the time to make them for a reason.

PalominoUK · 22/06/2023 19:36

My son used to do this. He has Dyspraxia and struggles with self control. We were on a limited budget and both working, it would drive me to distraction. I'd meal plan using left overs, only to find he'd eaten them.
We found having his choice of dedicated snacks in one place that he could go to when peckish helped.

SylvieB74 · 22/06/2023 19:38

Yeah that’s my husband! Especially the scrounging half done dinners thing. Also him and our 19 year old daughter have to make sure there’s no nice fruit left every day, and then expect them to be there again the next day, I could actually spend £50 a week on fruit. Once he ripped open one of the kids advent calendars and ate all the chocolates 😐

mandlerparr · 22/06/2023 19:44

L3ThirtySeven · 22/06/2023 15:34

Ive not said that at all. I think it is outrageous to control food to the point that family members think they own certain bits of food, and that the DH, and only the DH, must ask his wife and children for permission before eating food.

That’s what the thread is about eating food without permission and what the OP wants want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

There are better systems to ensure fair sharing than to require one family member to ask permission of all other family members.

I don't think you are understanding at all. No one should just be taking prepared food that they themselves didn't prepare and if they do take it while the meal is being prepared and set out, then they should understand that their meal will be smaller. And if someone has leftovers, instead of just eating them, the person who wants them should ask the other person if they are saving them for later. This is normal behavior for most older children and adults.
And to go further, if you see a package of some sort of meat thawing, then you should also not eat it without asking because someone has taken it out to use to prepare a meal. Nor should you eat more than 1/n of a product or snack where n=number of people in the household unless you have specifically asked for or purchased said snack for your own consumption.
It is rude and selfish behavior to take other people's food without asking. It is rude and selfish behavior to disrupt the meal preparation. it is rude and selfish behavior to take recently made baked goods when you don't know what it is for and especially when you take a large portion of it.
You are acting like OP is getting upset because he took a sip of her tea or a small spoonful of ragu. Or an a single olive or pickle from a relish tray.
No, he took a full serving of bacon. He took someone else's food that they made and set aside for later. He ate 1/3 of a batch of cookies. That is about 8 cookies. Every batch I have ever made has netted me somewhere around 24-36 cookies from a standard recipe. Even when you buy the premade you get 24-48 cookies out of it.
The OP is not controlling food or gatekeeping it. They are asking for simple, common courtesy that should be expected of anyone living together.
And no, it is not weird or unusual to make a certain amount of food per meal and to expect people to only eat one portion and to only go back for a second portion when everyone has already eaten. And no, the fact that one of your children did not finish their first portion and want to save it for later does not automatically make it your second portion.
Also, also. If your children have enough brains and wherewithal to take leftovers, put them in a container, and put them in the fridge to take for their lunch later-you should be celebrating that and not shoving it in your own face. If you wanted the leftovers for yourself, you should have acted like an adult and gotten up, put some away for yourself (and the rest of it as well, because again ADULT) and then it would have been your leftovers.
Using the general you here, not personal you.

Takesnocrap · 22/06/2023 20:04

Why are you still married to this misogynistic arsehole?

sumayyah · 22/06/2023 20:06

Is there any reason he would have to not understand?
My daughter is on the spectrum and drives me nuts with snacking on ingredients for meals or taking her brother's safe foods (he has just a few foods he eats) and no matter what I say gets through to her to stop taking everything

If he's just being a douche lord then send him to the shop every time he takes food belonging to others and stealing a portion of dinner before it's served up...... Well he's had his early of he's still hungry he can make himself a sandwich

ferntwist · 22/06/2023 20:08

He’s acting like a selfish pig. Does he ever cook or plan meals?

Freckles978 · 22/06/2023 20:29

He might just be used to his mum and dad cooking loads for dinner, ensuring there was left overs in case someone were to come over. I understand both sides, maybe just ask him about his upbringing and how food was shared.

Macinae · 22/06/2023 20:38

Firstly isn't it pretty obvious what's there to snack on vs key ingredients/other peoples food? It's usually "there's pasta bake leftover so kids you take this to school tomorrow" or "there's enough stew for seconds for everyone" and portion it up, or "I'll make myself a sandwich to take for lunch tomorrow". If you're hungry there's cereal, bread, crackers, cheese, yogurt, crisps, fruit. You don't go in the fridge, see a made sandwich and eat it.

Secondly he sounds like a knob.

Dibbydoos · 22/06/2023 21:02

Lovestodrinkmilk · 20/06/2023 12:32

If you are feeding him the same quanties as a woman or child, maybe you are underfeeding him. Maybe he should do the cooking.

What a condescending and sexist comment.

If OP is feeding him... WTF.

He sounds like an AH to me who us feeding himself on all the food in the house!

He thinks he owns everything ans everyone's efforts. He has little morality and I for one could not put up with th this. It's rude and disrespectful.

I esp feel bad for your DCs. What fd up lessons he's teaching them.

flannelbritches · 22/06/2023 21:11

My dad used to do this and I hated it. He would deny it though. My sister followed his example and did/does the same thing but she would boast it was her knowing she wouldn't get in trouble.

You need to explain that he is being rude, selfish, & setting a bad example. He needs to treat his family with more respect and more love.

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