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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

eating food without permission

606 replies

thecatswhiskrs · 20/06/2023 12:25

This is a long-running argument in our house and I'd love to get a sense from others of whether I (and my kids) are just being unreasonable....

DH has a habit of mooching around the kitchen looking for food. He feels that anything in the kitchen is (and should be) fair game. He gets very upset when we shout at him for eating something that we feel he shouldn't have or something that we feel he should have checked first.

Examples:

  • A child will have cooked some cookies for themselves and others to eat. The leave the tray on the counter to cool anticipating that lovely treat later and then come back to find their father has eaten a third of the tray before they've even offered.
  • A child will have made some food for their lunch. There will be leftovers and they will have mentally allocated these for their lunch the next day in school. They leave it in the fridge or somewhere to cool, come back and it's gone.
  • I am making dinner. It's nearly time to eat. I've planned the meal so that everyone has (for instance) 3 sausages and two bits of bacon. He comes in and nicks two bits of bacon from the pan right before we are about to eat.

He argues that he has paid for the all of the food in the kitchen and shouldn't have to ask for permission to eat it. If we have plans for some of it and haven't allowed enough to share then it's our fault for not making enough (we should just make lots more of everything to allow for others having some). He feels that we are not being generous and that (in spite of his best efforts to model generosity) we are all just being mean.

Are we being unreasonable (or just plain miserable!) to want him to at least check whose food it is and whether it has a destination before just eating it??

OP posts:
ReallyTryingTo · 22/06/2023 21:19

I'm 36 and when I'm at my mums I always ask if I want something. She's actually always telling me to not ask.

Jojofjo44 · 22/06/2023 21:28

This is not about the food it's about boundaries. Which he is overstepping in multiple ways. The fact that he even utters the phrase "he's paid for them" tells me he's a misogynistic selfish twat.

Sallyh87 · 22/06/2023 21:31

He ate hot bacon off a pan though?! Surely that’s a hazard.

Nothing in our fridge is really off limits but that’s probably because DH understands you don’t eat the last of something like sausage rolls or Frubes without replacing.

Sounds like the kids understand the household etiquette better than there dad.

Phoenixfire1988 · 22/06/2023 22:09

Icantfindmykeys · 22/06/2023 19:23

This would make my piss boil. What a CF’er !

Same !!!

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 22/06/2023 22:19

So he's basically taking food out of kids mouths. Yeah, he's a wanker

SwordToFlamethrower · 22/06/2023 22:27

What a nasty, entitled, greedy nastard.

FlipFlop1987 · 22/06/2023 22:46

Has he got a food addiction by any chance? Sufferers say they have absolutely no boundaries and will eat and eat until the fridge is bare.
I can understand how frustrating it is for you though. My husband takes things off other people’s plates whilst I serve up. If he happens to be serving he gives himself significantly more than me and more of the main ingredients (ie twice as many king prawns) sounds daft but he’s utterly convinced we have similar sized meals. He has depression and anxiety and I do think he has a complex relationship with food. He doesn’t need it but has to have it once he knows it’s there

Icenii · 22/06/2023 22:56

Why must every negative trait be explained away by some 'issue'?

FlipFlop1987 · 22/06/2023 23:11

Icenii · 22/06/2023 22:56

Why must every negative trait be explained away by some 'issue'?

It’s not explaining away, it’s firstly taking a step back before judging and seeing if there’s a bigger picture, is it just food to them and being selfish or do they have a genuine problem. I will call someone out if their behaviour is unreasonable but I like to think I’ve seen it from their side first in case I’ve jumped to conclusions.

SunshinyDay1 · 22/06/2023 23:12

Just hide stuff!

PotatoLove · 22/06/2023 23:25

He sounds like a greedy twat! And the crack about him paying for all of the food is rude af. Tell him to cook his own food.

eastegg · 22/06/2023 23:36

dartsofcupid · 20/06/2023 12:43

interesting logic, where does it end? I paid for the toilet roll so wipe your bum on a curtain?

Love your example 😂

azimuth299 · 22/06/2023 23:38

For the people saying just buy more, it literally won't work. My ex was like this - I would make four hearty portions of something to last two days and he would literally eat three portions one after the other and be writhing around complaining about how full and sick he felt.

I never got to the bottom of why he would do it, but if I complained he too would say that his money had bought the food and imply that I was being very mean and very controlling if I objected.

Codlingmoths · 23/06/2023 01:00

On the thread with a child with a genetic condition that includes an addiction to food and learning difficulties, posters are saying you just have to teach them they can’t eat some stuff. Here, posters are saying maybe it’s an addiction and this poor man who otherwise seems normal and holds down a job and has a wife and kids etc just can’t help it. buy more food, tell your Dc that lunch is a privilege if your dad hasn’t eaten it because how could he KNOW?
the levels to which so many women will excuse adult men from having any kind of consideration or thought for others than themselves…

JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 23/06/2023 08:08

Plus throw into the mix someone like my DH who has to eat food because he sees it and he knows it’s there.

If I cook extra whatever or a larger portion, he will always go back for seconds - because it’s there (hence my rant about the pizza slices earlier in the thread) The same with nibbles etc, a sharing bag of crips will be almost inhaled. If I cook extra sausages because I’ve opened a large pack and plan to keep the extras for another meal, I will always find there are fewer in the fridge when I go to get them. If we take a packed lunch out with us, he has to have something out of it before we’re even

Not justifying it - because it actually really irritates me - but he’s a fast eater and sometimes I wonder if he doesn’t get the ‘full’ notification in his brain because of his speed? I’m a slow eater and enjoy taking time with my food. I hate being rushed and to me, apart from breakfast when I appreciate there’s time limits, food isn’t all about getting as much on board in as little time. It’s a time to sit together and chat and be social.

This can also spill over into when to eat times too. “What time are we eating?” is a regular question in our house. My view is you plan ahead, but eat when you’re hungry - he eats by the clock, his opinion is it’s lunchtime so we must eat.

JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 23/06/2023 08:27

*if we take a packed lunch out with us, he has to have something out of it before we’re close to our destination.

TeaGinandFags · 23/06/2023 09:31

thecatswhiskrs · 20/06/2023 20:18

Thank you all so much for the replies. Some of them made me laugh, some made me think and it was great to get them all.
I can't answer all of the things people said but a few things to clear up:

  • DH has definitely got a disordered attitude to food and finds it very hard to control himself when confronted with anything that he perceives as being desirable. He never gets these urges for carrots or apples!!
  • So, he's not really hungry. Or, if he is, he often only has a few minutes to wait until dinner is ready.
  • The irony is that he keeps telling us that he really can't eat any sugar and it's bad for him...
  • The children are now getting older (teens) and are getting more stroppy with him because, although they are very happy to share, they would like him to first check that the food is spare. It is the stroppiness of the teens that he finds most difficult to deal with. DD2 manages this by either leaving dire notes near anything she makes (Don't eat this or you will DIE!) or she just absconds with things to her room (which I don't like her doing at all).
  • The irony of all this is that while he wants people to be more generous, the upshot is that the DC are all even more protective of their stuff because they are not sure that he will behave politely :(
  • We do have snacks, bread and other ingredients lying around that are all fair game if he wanted to make himself something...

And this is not the only issue of contention in our house. DH has very different ideas about many things to me. He cooks at weekends and I cook during the week. He has always refused to help tidying up during the week because I 'make more complicated food' and therefore make more washing up. He says that if he helped with the cleaning up he would be 'encouraging me' to continue to make a surfeit of dirty dishes. Apparently I need to learn by experience to make less (!!)
It has taken a long time but I'm planning to file for divorce very soon....

Thank you all!

This is the sort of thing that makes widowhood so very, very attractive ...

I wish you well in your divorce.

Lainie · 23/06/2023 10:05

AtleastitsnotMonday · 20/06/2023 12:41

I'd make a new rule. Food belongs to the person who made it until that person offers it to another or declares 'help yourself'. If unsure ask.
If he eats his portion of food whilst it's being cooked then this isn't compensated for- you can't have your cake and eat it. If your dp wants to then substitute this with more food that's fine but he needs to prepare this.

I would get busy with a sharpie labelling things that he needs to keep his hands off.

mental picture of keep off written on each sausage with a sharpie lol (sorry, just a silly moment) xx

Horatiosmum · 23/06/2023 12:05

This is a tricky one. . Firstly to address eating leftovers or scoffing a bit of bacon before it's plated up, I think communication is the key here. He needs to start to asking questions such as "this left over pasta in the fridge, is it for anyone?" Or "ooohh can I pinch that bit of Bacon" the nicking food before bing plated up is somthing that happens in our house all the time, to the point now i do cook extra for those "drive by snaffling" as i call it! You need to sit down with him and address it.

But also having lived in a shared house and now with a husband and two growing boys, post it notes are your friend, a post it note that says "Don't Eat.. its for X pack up tomorrow" or Don't Eat . .its for tonight's dinner" can be very useful when you live with fridge foragers.

As for the cookies. . This isn't OK, so either communication is key, telling him that they are made by DD or DS for X Y Z or offering him one and asking him to not eat anymore.

Failing that and if he still insists on eating them, bake a revenge batch with lots of laxative chocolate in. .leave on the side and wait.

Now for the comment of I buy the food, I can eat it. . . If my husband ever said that to me I am so bloody minded that I would say, fine. . I would buy cupboard and fridge locks that he couldn't open. I would then buy food with my money for the Children and myself and refuse to cook anything or shop for him. His money, he can feed himself.

It's not OK what he is doing and it's not working as a team so he needs to be called out on it and strategies put in place going forward.

Lucyh999 · 23/06/2023 12:43

He’s acting like a child so I’d treat him like one. Punishment, not having his share for dinner or being made to replace the things he has taken. It’s not about the fact he is providing it, it’s about basic sharing and allocations. Dick.

Turfwars · 23/06/2023 15:23

Codlingmoths · 23/06/2023 01:00

On the thread with a child with a genetic condition that includes an addiction to food and learning difficulties, posters are saying you just have to teach them they can’t eat some stuff. Here, posters are saying maybe it’s an addiction and this poor man who otherwise seems normal and holds down a job and has a wife and kids etc just can’t help it. buy more food, tell your Dc that lunch is a privilege if your dad hasn’t eaten it because how could he KNOW?
the levels to which so many women will excuse adult men from having any kind of consideration or thought for others than themselves…

Irony not lost on me either Cod.

Different standards for a disabled toddler and an able bodied grown man. But of course the other OPs child is a DD, so I suppose she might as well learn now that her needs as a female and presumably also as a disabled person will always be secondary to men.

T1Dmama · 23/06/2023 22:08

L3ThirtySeven · 20/06/2023 22:03

I’m just visualising all these homes where the DH has to go round to every family member to ask permission er, I mean to check it’s ok before eating anything in the house….

  • Dearest, can I eat that last strawberry in the fridge and a have a piece of the bread for toast? Of course you can sweetie, just check with the children first.
  • Boy 1 - hey, hey, take out your head phones! Do you want the last strawberry and can I take a slice of bread for toast? Whatever Dad
  • Girl 1 - ? Oh she’s out with friends….ok….messaging her now “hiya can I have the last strawberry and a slice of bread for toast?” (I’ll check with Boy #2 in the meantime.)
  • Boy #2…”Hello, what? You’re not talking to me? I embarrassed you? Can I just ask you… “ GO AWAY… La La LA can’t hear you.
  • er, let’s see got a message back from Girl 1, “we have strawberries? Yum. Check with mum on bread I think she wanted it for the ducks” right, better clarify “I checked with mum, she’s ok with me having a bit of toast. There’s only one strawberry left, did you want it?”
  • Dearest, Boy 2 isn’t speaking to me..apparently he’s still angry because I picked him up wearing my sports gear and he was mortified at a middle aged man in spandex knowing him in public, could you check with him for me dear if it’s ok for me to have that last strawberry and a slice of bread for toast? What? You’re in the middle of Bridgerton? Well how long is the episode? Twenty minutes….I suppose I can wait I still don’t have an answer from girl #1 and have yet to check with girl #2….

Helping self to bread or fruit is very different from taking food out of a child’s lunch box or eating a third of the freshly made cookies cooling on the oven top!

so if you made a cake for one of you DC’s or for a friend and left it cooling, you’d think it was perfectly acceptable for your DH to come along and eat a third of it?! … no didn’t think so!

Dizzybet74 · 24/06/2023 19:00

My DH is the same, eats more than his fair share of things, has eaten the children's Easter chocolate and Halloween sweets. Just plain rude.

thelongroad · 24/06/2023 21:34

I do think that the posters who are all "food is for eating / I never count anything / it's all up for grabs for whoever wants it" live with considerate people; if they lived with someone like the OP's DH then there would be issues because there wouldn't be enough eg bacon or whatever.

HerbsandSpices · 25/06/2023 05:04

My father was like this. I am sure he has binge eating disorder combined with impulse control issues.