Dream being shattered by husband, how to cope?

[WanderlustLost]

I'm looking for advice on how to cope when you are being held back from your achievable dream.

I want to move out of the area we live in. We made a strategic move to an expensive area with a large mortgage for schools.

We planned (I thought) to only be here while our child attends school (5-7years) and then move out of the area.

We live in our home town and for as long as I remember I wanted to move, I don't like where we live although it's very popular, I want to live in the country.

He has now said he doesn't want to move.

This now means a huge mortgage over our heads until 68!

It also means being stuck in a house neither of us are particularly fond of.

It means I will never get out of this town.

He doesn't like moving, the packing, the paying the solicitor and the estate agent for their services and he doesn't want to be far from work even though moving would allow for him to retire early.

If I try and talk to him he just gets angry and then doesn't talk to me for days but I can't cope with the idea of living here forever.

What would you do, how would you manage the feeling of loss that losing an achievable dream brings?

I'm gutted and while I'm hiding my feelings from our children the older ones know what this means to me and are angry with their dad (he told me in front of them and I've spoken for years about the long term goal). It's their dream too.

Right now I want to curl up in bed and hide, I'm not obviously but I feel like what is the point. We will work out guts out till we die for what? A house we don't like in a place we hate.

😂😂😂 maybe I should.

I'd really like him to be onboard, I know he would love it. He didn't want chickens and now we do and he loves them. He's always going out and checking on them, chatting to them.

He loves it, he doesn't like change, he hates paying estate agent fee, solicitor fees and the one that really gets him is stamp duty so this doesn't help.

If it's that important, I'd lay the cards on the table. You're miserable at the prospect of staying. You can't accept that as your future. He needs to be open to at least a discussion of possible compromise.

Honestly, I'd probably make his life miserable until he gets that this isn't just going away. He sulks and gives you the silence treatment? Two can play at that game! You've been together long enough that you know his weak spots. If someone tried to move the goalposts on my life and refused to discuss it, I think I'd be counteract ruthlessly (or at least give him the impression that this was an absolute dealbreaker for me).

What would happen if you took on all of the labour for the move and just started the process? For example if you got in some estate agents to do some valuations, booked an air b'n'b for a couple of days in your preferred area to view some houses, etc etc? I appreciate this is not ideal and puts an enormous amount of pressure on you but if it is the idea of the process that he finds overwhelming how would he respond if you just ticked over with it all before presenting it to him as a fait accompli?

He sounds like a difficult man to live with and I admire your patience.

ASD doesn't prevent happiness in a rural location.

My daughter is wonderful at managing her ASD but loves living with us and right now wants to live in the country and maybe had a caravan or a tiny home built with her dad. She lives away at uni and is very high functioning just happier at home.

""He didn't want chickens and now we do and he loves them. He's always going out and checking on them, chatting to them.

He loves it, he doesn't like change, he hates paying estate agent fee, solicitor fees and the one that really gets him is stamp duty so this doesn't help.""

Hes autistic isn't he?

I honestly think you need to do it, sort the move, just do it.

He'll be fine in the end

It'll be chicken-gate all over again 🙂🙂

How is that avoiding confrontation? It's pretty confrontational to turn the other way or look right through someone when they ask what you want for your dinner.

90% of the time he's amazing I know it doesn't sound it but he takes care of me when I need it. He's good with the kids and not afraid of doing the dishes but none of us are perfect.

Even if he was onboard I would do all this anyway, it's my skillset his comes when I buy the house that needs all the work and he does it while I tell him I've chosen the wrong colour again and can he repaint for the 3rd time 🤣

Well, then if he's already not speaking to you you might as well start the process. He can join you or not as he prefers!

I’m in a similar but reverse situation, we live rurally and agreed we’d move back to a city next year, but since that conversation I’ve really tried to make the most of where we live and now I actually love it, have made friends and don’t want to move. DH has made zero effort and just says “it’s shit” constantly and gets in a mood with me when I say I’d rather stay. He’s not up for a compromise either, the closest town to us isn’t good enough apparently, only the city he wants will do. We’ve agreed not to make a decision until next spring and I’m really hoping he will change his mind, if not and we can’t find a compromise then I don’t know what happens next.

Did you not read the OP's posts @LudicrouslyCapaciousBag There's no plans to move for the next 5-7 years.

Oh I hope you can make this work out eventually. I recognise quite a lot of what you're describing.

Our youngest is nearly finished school. Related to this I've made a couple of comments about knowing what my dream home would be (and roughly where), and that it probably doesn't actually exists. Moving has some disadvantages for me, but would help my husband a lot if we moved closer to where he works (but ideally rural, in range of a motorway junction). Despite having commuted 60 miles / commuted and stayed over for 13 years, he can't imagine moving from this house, losing the garden (which is great but very shaded, a decent garden would be a necessity if we moved and might grow more vegetables...), and so on.

Eldest is also ASD and definitely not suited to city living - needs easy access to big open spaces!

Yes, read them all. She says max five years, but possibly three if youngest moves for sixth form. No reason not to get an up-to-date valuation of their current property, identify specific preferred areas etc.

Op you do know that when you move, that you take all your existing problems with you ?

I am currently in the process of moving again

Yes it costs lots of money, time, stress & effort

If you really want to move, I would suggest

Get your existing property valued by estate agent.
Start looking at properties in the new location.
Do you have savings to pay for all the costs of moving ?
Decide if you are moving together or separately

In that case it doesn’t sound like such a pipe dream. I thought it might be somewhere with one bus a day! I would get any repairs and upgrades done to make your current house saleable rather than luxurious. Then start looking to see what’s available. The problem seems more reluctance to go through the upheaval of moving rather than aversion to the country.

This exactly!

Have you ever seen Love it or List it?

I feel like Kirstie and Phil could help here. He would have to talk if he was on the telly!

Ditch him. You really don’t want to be stuck living where you are, feeling miserable and having to live with an older grumpier man, believe me!

Start making plans to move and tell him you’re not wasting the rest of your life waiting for him to change. If you get divorced, he’ll have to sell the house anyway.

I hated living where we did in the U.K. so we moved to the west coast of Ireland more than 10 yrs ago and I’ve made lots of new friends and love our new life. DH is getting grumpier as he gets older, but at least we live somewhere coastal that’s also quite touristy, so lots happening during the summer months so I can go out and about with my friends and let DH potter around at home doing his thing.

But, joking apart, maybe watch a few episodes of LIOLI together to lighten the mood but prompt discussion?

I feel for you OP. I’ve had this conversation with my DH as I’m miserable where we live. We’ve got two children with asd and moved to live near family in our home town and for me it has been a big mistake. I hated growing up here and was badly bullied and it has been miserable raising the kids here. I’ve got a dream to move North where it’s quieter but we’d be on the edge of a city. Our timeframe is similar to yours. My DH has provisionally said yes but I’m unsure if he’d follow through. But I know I cannot continue to live here.

I would give your husband time to process it all. I’m sure like me you’ve holidayed or been to where you’d want to live and have done your research. You have time to let it sink in with your husband.

An HOUR? He's objecting to moving ONE HOUR away? One hour is nothing. It's not like you're asking him to move to the wilds of Borneo.

If you're willing to do the work of facilitating the move (since it's your dream and he hates that sort of thing) I think he's being unreasonable, unless he has another specific reason for not wanting to live in the country. I know of people who wouldn't move out of an urban/suburban area if you paid them to. But if that's his issue, he needs to be honest with you.

We're in the country and a one hour drive puts us in the heart of a large city. Two hours puts us in San Francisco or at the beach. Two hours the other way puts us in the Sierras and Lake Tahoe. Best of both worlds

The move my bloke proposed was less than an hour away. The distance wasn’t the issue, I didn’t want to move ten minutes away. We live in a beautiful house with lovely neighbours. We’re ten minutes from the station, close to a river and fields, yet we can walk to the shops, doctors and dentist.

If I try and talk to him he just gets angry and then doesn't talk to me for days

This is nasty behaviour, and somewhat controlling.

And that's fine! But I bet you were honest with him about it and didn't agree or obfuscate then pout about it or give the silent treatment later. And living near a river and open fields is 'as good as' the country for most people.

I have a friend who comes to visit and loves her 'weekends in the country'. But she wouldn't live here for all the tea in China.

To each his own, said the old woman as she kissed the cow.

Sorry I meant a static on a residential site. One of my other issues is what if something happens to one if us and the other is s left miles away from family with no financial options left?

Sorry I meant a static on a residential site. One of my other issues is what if something happens to one if us and the other is s left miles away from family with no financial options left?

Thats a huge consideration. DH and I were expats when he died suddenly, I was devastated and sorting everything in a second language and getting everything back to UK was complicated, exhausting and hugely expensive. I think as you get older you need the backup of family, even if it’s only to talk things through.

Also, for static sites you have to be cautious of the T&Cs. Site fees have rocketed since Covid and in some sites your static can only be so many years old then you have to replace it.
You’re right to be cautious.