Dream being shattered by husband, how to cope?

[WanderlustLost]

I'm looking for advice on how to cope when you are being held back from your achievable dream.

I want to move out of the area we live in. We made a strategic move to an expensive area with a large mortgage for schools.

We planned (I thought) to only be here while our child attends school (5-7years) and then move out of the area.

We live in our home town and for as long as I remember I wanted to move, I don't like where we live although it's very popular, I want to live in the country.

He has now said he doesn't want to move.

This now means a huge mortgage over our heads until 68!

It also means being stuck in a house neither of us are particularly fond of.

It means I will never get out of this town.

He doesn't like moving, the packing, the paying the solicitor and the estate agent for their services and he doesn't want to be far from work even though moving would allow for him to retire early.

If I try and talk to him he just gets angry and then doesn't talk to me for days but I can't cope with the idea of living here forever.

What would you do, how would you manage the feeling of loss that losing an achievable dream brings?

I'm gutted and while I'm hiding my feelings from our children the older ones know what this means to me and are angry with their dad (he told me in front of them and I've spoken for years about the long term goal). It's their dream too.

Right now I want to curl up in bed and hide, I'm not obviously but I feel like what is the point. We will work out guts out till we die for what? A house we don't like in a place we hate.

Find him somewhere with a mancave or cellar or some great outbuildings. Maybe if he can visualise himself somewhere it would help but forget about him retiring for now.

This.
As dramatic as this seems its to be considered if you really want to live the life you imagine and really want.

OP I don't know how old you are but the years go by so quickly.
I've seen many posts where it's always one half of the partnership, and to be fair mostly the man, dictating where they live and no discussion will be had once the decision has been made.
It does seem so wrong that no consideration is given for what the other sides feelings.

Life isn't a dress rehearsal and I expect many many people of a certain age, for want of a better phrase wish that looking back they'd have taken the plunge.

I think you shouldn’t underestimate the identity many people gain from their work, especially men of the generation that had no paternity leave etc. If your husband has ASD it may be all the more difficult to adjust to retirement and losing some /all of the relationships he has with colleagues. If my maths is right he is still in his 50s anyway. However, if he does want to carry on working, surely it makes sense to live where you are, if you move he will have a two hour trip to the yard and then have to drive to his jobs. I wouldn’t want to do that in my mid sixties.

I would take the pressure off the move for now or you could look for a rental in the area to see how you both feel. I rather get the impression this is your dream and I’m not sure involving the children, even though they are young adults, is helpful.

Two hour round trip.

Me and my DH have the same idea, move to the country when we retire, I bloody hope he doesn’t change his mind when it comes to it.

Oh for Heaven's sake, life's too short, get rid of him and open a new chapter in your life!

You say he was “murmuring etc” I mean this in the kindest way OP, you sound like your pressuring him into this.

I agree with another poster that it really isn’t a good idea to sell up right now, I’d focus on the children, trying to get the marriage back stronger and then attempt to discuss it.. not where your saying “please tell me you agree” because in all honesty, he might just not want to move and people are allowed to change their mind. That’s where you’d need to make a decision on your happiness and compromise with him (if your planning to sell come up to a area your both happy with, if your not planning to sell decide if you want to stay or go)

it’s not fair to pressure someone into doing anything, If he doesn’t like change and moving etc.

I think it’s unfair for people to be saying how awful he is just because he’s apparently “promised you something and let you down” in a nutshell, if this was roles reversed everyone would be telling him that it’s not fair to put pressure on.. I’ve seen a couple of posts where someone has said “oh he’s agreed just tell him your doing it then as he’s already agreed”, how is that fair?

focus on your marriage first OP, get back stronger with him and try to compromise, if not only you can make the choice from there on..

If he begrudges solicitor fees and stamp duty etc, have you explained to him the money you will save on mortgage interest (presuming he can retire as you will be mortgage free by moving?)

he's a good person most of the time. He just doesn't like arguements or change.

So, basically, he wants you to agree with him and doesn't speak to you until you do? That's what it sounds like reading your posts.

That's not a marriage. That's being controlled.

Kirsty and Phil's love it or list it is a whole TV series about exactly this issue. I'd give them a call🤣 u never know. But I think it shows that it's a very common issue. Ur definitely not the only one if that's if any comfort..x

YoI’m can move when your DC finish school
and take half the equity. You have choices.

Leave him, live your dream.

You know what changes it when you retire?? Your health. Remember the days when you worried about schools, well now you may have to consider health boards and trusts.

I think as there is 5 years to go I would continue with your plan of fixing the house up to sell, so get the cheaper windows etc and tell your husband that this is really important to you and you need to try it. So the move still goes ahead and if it ends up not being what your husband wants you can revaluate then, see if you should move back or revaluate the relationship.

What he needs to acknowledge is that its cruel to string you along making noises for all this time and then just say No when its time to put plans in action. It is not the way to treat someone you care about and he needs to acknowledge and accept that.

I actually think he is being very selfish, he is going to retire before you and you will support him, but he strings you along about your dream and doesn't even have the decency to talk to you about it. Agree with PP's that his 'just not liking arguments' is actually a very abusive way to behave.

You are going to be incredibly resentful if you stay in the town you don't like, with him at home all the time while you work, and you funding it.

Does @WanderlustLost and husband have no friends, family who they will be leaving behind? We're social animals and rural people aka belongers can go back generations so it takes time to bed in. I was lucky because I wanted to breed and raise poultry and water fowl which a few other villagers did and kindly advised and sold some to me. We had a tractor, OH knew how to fix tractors, petrol hedge cutters, strimmers etc word soon got round about Mr fix it.

Already considering this, had some major issues this year, including an emergency stay in hospital. Speaking to a colleague recently, she said her parents also did the whole move to the country, stayed a few years then came back for better access to health care. It’s something me and my DH have discussed at length.

I think it's unfair, and says a lot about him and the way he feels about you, that he won't consider your opinion, talk about it, compromise, want to make you happy. Just doing what he wants without considering you and making unilateral decisions is called being single.

Don't let him do this to you, be better than that, be strong, fight your corner, tell him you are going and he is welcome to come but its not a deal breaker if he doesn't. Know your worth, even when he doesn't.

THIS.^^

It's not great he won't discuss it but rural living sucks. I spent so long driving children around and I loathe having to get in the car for 15 minutes even to buy a coffee. Our four children have all chosen urban living as adults and I'm vry jealous of them but moving is so expensive.

Their will be more to this, he’s done a complete 160 on something you’ve both have spoke about and planned, he’s defensive and refuses to speak about it then punishes you if broach the subject…id do deep dive on how you feel about him because I don’t think he’s got ‘you’ mind!!

Am trying to link to a post above from ChristinaXYZ but no idea how to do it.
Good sensible advice and I think I'm saying more of the same.

My husband sounds like yours OP, it has taken me years to even slightly understand some of his behaviour and realise he is on the spectrum. He doesn't sulk, he just plain ignores things he doesn't want to do so I have mistakenly assumed he is onside when he isn't. We are older (70s) and could have bought something fabulous in the country back in the 90s but for various reasons including he didn't want to, we stayed. And eventually the children left home and we were left with a big drafty house that we couldn't afford to heat, so we moved.

Ignore everyone who says you should leave him. You are hurt and angry at the moment and thats not what you were asking anyway.

You may need to be strategic, you may need to drip feed bits of the plan as a positive/ inevitable so he subliminally gets used to it. You obviously will need to talk again ++ and maybe sometimes mention it in a lighthearted casual sort of way, but not yet as he's doing 'the sulk'. Avoid the head to head clash, the "its my way or your way" kind of talk. You are serious about moving and you are going to look round and see what's available. He doesn't need to be on board at this stage and you can spend some happy days (with or without him) house hunting. So I guess I'm saying act as if you are going to be moving but keep it light hearted. You are 50% of the marriage and decisions. Over time, if he sees you are completely serious and not going to be swayed he may gradually be brought onside. And he may be surprised and love one of the properties. I hope he does.

In the meantime get all the information about static caravans, prices, rules, running costs etc. - don't leave it to him as he won't do it. I suggest you book an airbnb in one for a suitable period of time, at least three weeks or more, so he gets a realistic picture of what its like to live in one for a longer period. I hope he dislikes it as much as my husband did.

It must feel devastating to have your dreams trodden on, but don't give up hope and keep niggling away at the idea. I hope you win X

This is rather rude of me to go off-topic and I apologise to the OP. But so many threads have this general theme, which makes me think: why do couples marry? So often it seems that both are pulling in different directions. I sometimes think, unless you have a shared child, some different approach is needed, i.e. true equality with independent assets and maybe even living independently somehow... All these threads about "is he cheating?" It just feels to me that we are "doing things wrongly"!

Sorry for going off-topic!

Shelving your dream will only work if you fully let it go. Otherwise, in 10 yrs time, the resentment will have reached a point where every little thing annoys you - even the sound of his noisy nose hair breathing, the way he chews, how he speaks to you etc

Speaking from experience.

Is he on the spectrum? I don't like change either