Dream being shattered by husband, how to cope?

[WanderlustLost]

I'm looking for advice on how to cope when you are being held back from your achievable dream.

I want to move out of the area we live in. We made a strategic move to an expensive area with a large mortgage for schools.

We planned (I thought) to only be here while our child attends school (5-7years) and then move out of the area.

We live in our home town and for as long as I remember I wanted to move, I don't like where we live although it's very popular, I want to live in the country.

He has now said he doesn't want to move.

This now means a huge mortgage over our heads until 68!

It also means being stuck in a house neither of us are particularly fond of.

It means I will never get out of this town.

He doesn't like moving, the packing, the paying the solicitor and the estate agent for their services and he doesn't want to be far from work even though moving would allow for him to retire early.

If I try and talk to him he just gets angry and then doesn't talk to me for days but I can't cope with the idea of living here forever.

What would you do, how would you manage the feeling of loss that losing an achievable dream brings?

I'm gutted and while I'm hiding my feelings from our children the older ones know what this means to me and are angry with their dad (he told me in front of them and I've spoken for years about the long term goal). It's their dream too.

Right now I want to curl up in bed and hide, I'm not obviously but I feel like what is the point. We will work out guts out till we die for what? A house we don't like in a place we hate.

This.

It's not ideal but the only way to achieve your dreams is.nit allowing him to stop them if your dream is affecting you so much. Sit him down tell him you love him but that this is something you've wanted to do for so.long and now you are ready to do whether he does or not. It may mean making sacrifices such as leaving him and potentially forcing a sale on the property which ultimately will.mean he has to.move.or.buy you out anyway but that you really can't live like this anymore. You'd rather move with him. But are prepared to move without him. Explain that you'll get help to me pack my husband is.same regarding packing if I didn't do it all we.wouldnt move anywhere but I don't let his anxiety stop us. Honestly maybe it's time you found a.nice little cottage to rent and walk away. It may mean your stuck in the mortgage until god.knows.when.or forcing the sale.of the.house. but it's the only way to achieve.your dreams.

If he does have ASD traits as mentioned , then find a different way of communicating with him. The head on ‘chats’ and needing a verbal response might be hard for him. Can you text him, or write to him, give him time to process what you are saying. Make a visual plan of how the move will happen, and a graph with the money situation on it and leave it with him.

if he does have ASD traits, he would stay even in a place he hated rather than change. You will have to do it all and make it happen. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

Tricky - he obviously doesn’t hate it.
you need to find some time when kids are away for a period of extended time and talk it out with the prerequisite of him NOT GETTING ANGRY!
If he knew that was the plan then it does seem mean to change it, seep if the kids want to be more rural too. Although when the are teens you will be forever driving them into town.

“He doesn't like moving, the packing, the paying the solicitor and the estate agent for their services”

No one likes doing that!!’ It’s a means to an end like getting to the airport 2 hours before a flight, queuing up to check-in, dropping bags, queuing through security, annoying people on the flight, being squashed in the seat, then shuffled off the other end etc etc.

And then you are on holiday sipping margaritas in the sun. It’s a means to an end, as is a lot of life.

Wow! He won’t leave - not unless he can find somebody else to keep him. I can’t think of much worse than giving up a house that YOU’VE paid for to live in a caravan? Tell him to go.

Your dream can only be shattered if you allow it to be. You know your DH doesn't like the stress of moving, doesn't like confrontation, etc. This was never going to be an easy process for him. (His abusive coping mechanism of giving you the silent treatment is a whole different issue but that's not what you've asked for advice on so I'm not going to address it).
Keep your dream. Plan a schedule to make it a reality. Start taking steps towards it.
You're not going to leave your DH - you have said repeatedly - but that's not what you're doing. You're sticking to the plan that not only works for you but also the rest of the family. Tell your DH once everything is in place and then he can choose whether he wants to move with you and the DCs, or not.
He doesn't hate where he is. The move isn't his dream. It's your's so you need to act like it is your dream.
I was in a similar situation a few years ago. When it came time to move, DH moved with us. It wasn't until it was at that stage that he realised how important the move was to me and that it wasn't just one of those things we discussed that would then slip away.

Let's reframe this.

You ARE moving, OP. That's what you wanted and still want.

Your DH has misunderstood the choice, poor lamb: it's not whether he moves house. It's whether you move together as family or whether he moves by himself, on narrower terms, to a smaller place, and he'll have to sort all his own packing and moving himself because that's what a split would lead to.

This man made a serious agreement with you about your future but refused to honour it. He tried to force your compliance with his decision using abusive behaviour. I'm sorry OP but I'd be laying groundwork for ending matters.

Do you ever allow yourself to get properly angry with him?

If he shouted at me and then ignored me I'd tell him he'd be moving either way as I'm not sticking around

I'm so glad I never married. I only have myself to worry about, no devious men.

I'd keep making decisions, when looking at renovations, with your goal of 'fixer upper' in mind. If DP suggests anything more then remind him it's just a fixer upper. Sew the seed to move a different way maybe. And I'd not budge on that.

Good luck

What an extraordinarily evil thing to suggest. Mumsnet really is absolute cancer at times isn't it.

This.

Hahaha airport stress. My OH used to drop off all the luggage both kids for me to struggle with while he tootled off to park the car. I was responsible for the luggage and kids at the other end while he tootled off to arrange a hire car.

I did this because his stress levels were through the roof otherwise.

You don't have to do what he wants.

Find a house either for you all or for yourself.

show your DP tge house youve found, if ges antimoving tell him youre moving. Then buy the house where you want to live and move.

I don't know how many children you have but you'll need room for them, though not necessarily a bedroom each unless they want to move with you permanently.

Good luck OP. Yoyr DP doesn't own your life, you do.

I’d say maybe he isn’t in the right place mentally to approach with this right now. My husband recently had an affair and I had no clue he’d been unhappy in our marriage for so long. So he may be feeling like a move would just tie him to you for longer. Work on the marriage and maybe he will come around to the move.

We moved to a smallish rural town. It was fine to start with but Tory austerity as applied to councils had our swimming pool closed down for the need of £200k repairs, the inevitable tory council you end up with out of the cities bulldozed it down to make sure it doesn't get reinstated. The medical centre turned to crap even before covid because younger doctors don't really want to go rural and now is a basket case. The library is now part time and never open after 5pm, local shop keepers and landed gentry make all the councils decisions for them and as such they want to keep everything the same no matter how silly and the train service has become extortionately expensive, more so per mile than towns closer to the city. As everywhere the charming old pubs have either closed or are far too expensive. It is however wonderful in summer.

Very hard for you. Why don't you arrange a few weekends away at your favourite place to live and get him to fall in love with the place! You need to talk to him about compromise too. Suggest a cut off point maybe in 5/10 years time.

You say he's someone who hates saying no. Perhaps he didn't say 'no' way back when you said you had a dream of moving to the countryside so as to avoid conflict then. It's really hard and someone has to compromise. I am still living in a big city because it suits my husband. He knows I'd move to the seaside tomorrow were it not for him. A friend of mine refused to live in the city; her husband refused to live in the countryside. They used to see each other at weekends. They are no longer together. Two people don't always want the same thing. The question is: do you care more about the countryside life than your marriage? I do think your husband needs at least to listen to you and understand how much this is upsetting you. Even if he comes out and says 'no I'm so sorry I just can't do this'. If he doesn't like change now, is he going to like it more in x number of years' time when he retires? Marriages can be right old muddles and two people don't always want the same thing.

I would honestly consider leaving him and doing it without him. He has gone back on the plans that you agreed together and you obviously have your children's backing. Don't let him hold you back.

My exH was exactly like yours. I think ASD but never diagnosed. So many decisions were never taken and we lived for 20 years where not a single thing in the house moved. It was like 20 years where nothing happened.
With the few things I changed he always said things like “I’ll leave if we get a dog” - every one of those he then enthusiastically adopted - he loves the dog. But there weren’t many of those.
Only you know if you have the energy to see this through (doing it yourself), knowing he’ll be okay on the other side. Best wishes

Your post asks on how to cope with a shattered dream, so I'll give my 2 cents on that. Honestly I wouldn't have a clue how to change the mind of a stubborn older family member, nothings ever worked on my parents no matter how bad life gets they refuse to make changes to improve any situation.

Shattered dreams can lead to depression, I've seen it and experienced it first hand. So what I would do is pre-empt any spiral and start getting therapy for myself alone, sans husband. I finally tried it after years of the most wretched misery and internal torment after my entire life and future dreams went up in flames. It changed everything and I find I'm finally out of the darkness and enjoying life again, and I also hate my crappy house and where I live! Nothing is ever full perfection and bliss.

I used to believe that my DH of 40 years was intentionally being disagreeable or had no intention of keeping his word when he made promises to me. But actually, as I am the stronger personality, and because he hates conflict, he was just trying to keep the peace by agreeing, then deep-down hoped the problem would go away. Hates to say no, but if he disagrees, he passively resists, e.g. creates obstacles, finds excuses, etc. Often I let it slide, if it's not important. Trying to force him to go along never works anyway. But when it's something important, I have to take the bull by the horns.
If my experience is anything to go on, the first step is to understand the deep reasons your husband does not want to move. Maybe he himself doesn't consciously know, depending on his level of self-awareness. This might take some sensitive exploration over time, without stress or arguments. A counselor could be helpful in this regard. Also, you might want to explore your own fundamental reasons for wanting to move. By looking at your respective "whys", you may be able to find an acceptable compromise, which sufficiently addresses your respective needs.
A 28-year relationship is not to be thrown away lightly. Finding a solution might even bring you closer together in the end. I wish you all the best.

I think the easiest way to sort this out is for each of you to list pros and cons of each
idea. You may then see what the overall best result is.