Dream being shattered by husband, how to cope?

[WanderlustLost]

I'm looking for advice on how to cope when you are being held back from your achievable dream.

I want to move out of the area we live in. We made a strategic move to an expensive area with a large mortgage for schools.

We planned (I thought) to only be here while our child attends school (5-7years) and then move out of the area.

We live in our home town and for as long as I remember I wanted to move, I don't like where we live although it's very popular, I want to live in the country.

He has now said he doesn't want to move.

This now means a huge mortgage over our heads until 68!

It also means being stuck in a house neither of us are particularly fond of.

It means I will never get out of this town.

He doesn't like moving, the packing, the paying the solicitor and the estate agent for their services and he doesn't want to be far from work even though moving would allow for him to retire early.

If I try and talk to him he just gets angry and then doesn't talk to me for days but I can't cope with the idea of living here forever.

What would you do, how would you manage the feeling of loss that losing an achievable dream brings?

I'm gutted and while I'm hiding my feelings from our children the older ones know what this means to me and are angry with their dad (he told me in front of them and I've spoken for years about the long term goal). It's their dream too.

Right now I want to curl up in bed and hide, I'm not obviously but I feel like what is the point. We will work out guts out till we die for what? A house we don't like in a place we hate.

Go for the cheaper windows, if the original agreement was as a fixer upper to sell on then push to stick to it, the nicer you make that house and the more money you put into it the harder it will be to get him out of it.

dont facilitate this being your forever home if that wasn’t the agreement and it’s not what you want.

I think there’s a compromise to be had as regards location, rural isn’t for everyone, you have to commute (grim!) and it’s not always great for kids at all, as they lose easy access to their friends/activities etc.

He’s wrong for shutting you down.

Is your husband also my husband? This is exactly the argument we were having for YEARS.

We bought our first home together in 2014, I thought we'd be there 3-5 years max, maybe move after having our first child. We moved in December, the week after our son's 4th Birthday!

It is so SO hard when you have a pigheaded, stubborn partner.

For us, moving was an inevitability because the house was too small, but my husband didn't see it that way. I spent about 2 years mentioning all the things we couldn't change about the house, and basically just moaning. Eventually, I showed him a house I loved on rightmove, saying how he could have a big room for all of his collectibles etc. He disliked the location, but started to see how moving could benefit him.

We're now in a fixer upper that needs a ton of work (he hates it but I love it!) and we have some space to breathe.

So you probably will get there, eventually. If your husband is like mine, moving needs to be "his" idea so do what you can to plant that seed without specifically saying it.

In the interim, can you do anything to the house you're in to make it nicer? Think of it from a resale point of view if nothing else. And with regards the mortgage, once interest rates stabilise a bit, see if you can remortgage and bring the payments down a bit. If you've built equity in the house, you should find that you can bring it down.

Best of luck xx

Is the plan for you both to retire at the same time? Could you both wfh or commute if you moved semi rural?

Since I was a child, yes he knew but for years we were never in a position to do anything about it.

The eldest Re at uni and drive. The youngest will learn to drive when the time comes.

My children are all happy with rural.

We are on an amazing mortgage offer, it's just we're old 🤣

I think your husband is probably my husbands child because he has a room full of his collectables too.

Yes, when something is his idea then we are a go but this one I can't see a way round.

We bought this house as a fixer upper and that's no problem it's just not our home.

I married someone similar. I thought we shared similar dreams. Then he would put blocks in the way. It wasn’t just houses/areas. In the end the issues became bigger as did my frustration. We are no longer together. You need to work out what you both need and if you can make it work.

he hasn't given a firm commitment until last week when I said to him we can make this happen if we really want it, are you in? And he said yes

do you mean he said no? Or am I misunderstanding something?

YANBU

For him to make a decision that affects everyone is not fair.

I would stick to the plan and keep talking about renovating to be able to move on, looking at properties rurally, rope in the kids too seeing as they are wanting to move as well.

We're currently living a happy compromise, small house in the country that I desperately wanted and plan to retire to, a place in London where Dh works and is thinking we could retire to, we both live in another house in the middle of the two, its a bit bonkers but suits us atm.

I mean I would just say: I’m moving and you can either come with me or we can split.

However much he dislikes the upheaval of moving, he will dislike the upheaval of divorce more and he would have to move as well.

The eldest are at uni and driving. One plans on living with us forever (autistic).

I think you need to stop focusing on a not very kind man.

Start looking at a future without him.

Your children will move off and live their own lives, particularly if their father isn't that nice.

They probably see him very clearly.

You sound like a very down trodden emotional abused woman.

Invest in some counselling.

Do not tie up your money in this house.

Give yourself options to get out.

It sounds like you have reached a crunch point in your marriage, where you need to think about what you want.

Is it important to keep your marriage, in which case you may need to give up your dream of moving?

Or is it important that you get to move and live the life you've wanted for a long time, and you realise that if your H isn't prepared to get on board now then it's time for you to separate because you want different things?

My DH did not want to leave our last house.
I told him the DC and I were moving, he could stay or come with us, up to him.
It took me nearly a year to find our current house. He got used to me looking most weekends.
I did not show him anything until I found this one as nothing else worked for our family.
Once I asked him to come and look, he could see the potential and where his space would be (we have man land with his office and gaming gear in it), he was willing to think about a move.
I think I slowly got him to realise I was serious and was not staying in the old house.
Good luck

You love him but are you actually in love with him? You are an adult who is also allowed to have plans and ideas. If he doesn’t want to move and you really do then leave. Could you cope without his income? Are you working full time? It’s tough knowing you are working to fund an expensive lifestyle - perhaps he is scared about his job and finances. But whatever it’s your life too. Tomorrow has already gone. Start making plans to downsize and buying two houses.

How awful. You did not work so hard to end up living in a caravan. What if you did, and then you ended up splitting up anyway because the lack of personal space would drive you crazy..

I don’t know how people can be in relationships like this.

Your husband should firstly listen to you and treat your opinion as and equal. Secondly he should want to make you happy above (almost) everything else. Thirdly he should be happy to compromise!

OP, YOU can live in the countryside. That might be on your own. Maybe time to make him aware of that!

think about what’s more important to you. Being with him or being in the countryside

I am suspicious of the word dream. If for example you'd said 'Norfolk'. You told me that you'd had regular holidays there, and knew a particular village where there was a post office and a shop, a thriving community and a nearby RSPB place that appealed to you because you were a keen birdwatcher, then it would seem like you'd been proceeding with a plan that worked for you and were - understandably - frustrated if 'buy in' had been suddenly withdrawn, after years when your partner had seemed to go along with it.

I don't think it is unreasonable for a partner to want to remain in a place that obviously has got good facilities, where there are established networks, and it is easy to travel to work.

But I don't know how you resolve these differences.

@WanderlustLost "just old" did make me giggle 😂

Ok then, I can definitely sympathise with the fixer upper. My husband cried our first night in the new house because he hated it so much.

So I think what you may need to do is just double down on the renovations. I see you mentioned new windows etc and I would personally get the ones you love, even though they're more expensive. Once your husband is in the middle of a building site, he may reconsider staying anyway ;) but at the very least, posh windows are something that a future estate agent can really push when it comes to reselling (if you get to that point).

I would also suggest offering to take on all the jobs he hates. I dealt with the estate agents, viewings for our house, mortgage applications, movers, etc etc. All he had to do was pack, which was fine as he wouldn't let anyone touch his things anyway 😂

But of course, it might be that once all the work is done then you feel differently. Have you seen love it or list it on C4? A lot of people change their minds once the house is "fixed" for them xx

No last week we were talking and he had been making some vague murmurs that maybe we weren't going to be moving. So I said to him, please can I get a firm yes to this, that we will move when youngest finishes like we planned.

He said yes.

Then Saturday got annoyed and hasn't spoken to me.

It's tricky. I've had situations with my husband where we agreed a plan and then down the line it's not happened. He says "he's allowed to change his mind".
I guess it's true.
Now it's happened the opposite way we bought a house for the short term and I actually really like living here. He wants to move. I said I'm allowed to change my mind ;)

I think you have a few issues. The not talking is emotionally abusive. Telling you Infront of the kids was done to end the discussion - not good either.

Can you start a conversation about how you both have this problem so let's work together to come up with a compromise. If he disagrees again then he looks the twat because he isn't even willing to work to make both your lives happy. In this scenario I would divorce. Sounds like your kids are up for the move too so crack on without him and he will soon realise he can't keep the house he wants if you split up.

A couple of things.

Not all men, but many, are reluctant to change, or renovate or move. They like the familiar and they dislike hassle. They are understandably wary of costs etc. But once persuaded to move, upgrade or renovate, they are fine about it. It’s pretty infuriating tbh!

Why does your dh’s decision- making hold more weight than yours? Is he the main earner? Do you work? Does the move involve a change of job for him which could potentially lower his earnings, status or negatively impact on his career path? You don’t need his permission but if you are moving forward as a family unit then it’s important to take in to account how much you both earn, your commutes, your ability to earn from a rural destination etc.

However, the more worrying aspect of this is his shutting down and not speaking for several days when you need to talk about it.

In order to get him to open up, and to properly discuss all facets of this, you need to take all emotion and talk of blame and guilt out of the discussion. Take him out to lunch and discuss it factually. What is he worried about? Show some understanding of his perspective, not just yours. Prepare a list of pros and cons. Be as objective as you can.

I say all this as someone who would shrivel up and wither away if I had to live in a busy town. I just don’t feel mentally or physically healthy in an urban environment so I understand where you are coming from op.

Wow he sounds EXACTLY like my Dad. My Mum left him in the end by the way and made her dream home. Its just a shame it took so long.

ltb. Seriously.
Or at least tell him you will, and mean it. you can say: you can join me in a life where I can be happy, or you can work with me on redesigning it with a negotiated plan on a life that can make us both happy. Or you can refuse to do anything, which you are doing now, and I will leave you and be happy on my own.
Mean it. See what happens.

I have the specifics I just don't want to share them in this because it would be very identifiable.

The location, our knowledge of the area etc it's all there.

I have found that, if you are in a marriage and there is a difference of opinion like this, the person who doesn’t want to act and wants to maintain the status quo tends to get their way because it’s difficult to act unilaterally. If you are really serious about moving would you be prepared to move on your own? He may choose to come with you if he sees that the marriage will be over, but he may not. If you don’t want to separate you might need to accept the situation as it is and make the best of it. You can’t force him to move.