Dream being shattered by husband, how to cope?

[WanderlustLost]

I'm looking for advice on how to cope when you are being held back from your achievable dream.

I want to move out of the area we live in. We made a strategic move to an expensive area with a large mortgage for schools.

We planned (I thought) to only be here while our child attends school (5-7years) and then move out of the area.

We live in our home town and for as long as I remember I wanted to move, I don't like where we live although it's very popular, I want to live in the country.

He has now said he doesn't want to move.

This now means a huge mortgage over our heads until 68!

It also means being stuck in a house neither of us are particularly fond of.

It means I will never get out of this town.

He doesn't like moving, the packing, the paying the solicitor and the estate agent for their services and he doesn't want to be far from work even though moving would allow for him to retire early.

If I try and talk to him he just gets angry and then doesn't talk to me for days but I can't cope with the idea of living here forever.

What would you do, how would you manage the feeling of loss that losing an achievable dream brings?

I'm gutted and while I'm hiding my feelings from our children the older ones know what this means to me and are angry with their dad (he told me in front of them and I've spoken for years about the long term goal). It's their dream too.

Right now I want to curl up in bed and hide, I'm not obviously but I feel like what is the point. We will work out guts out till we die for what? A house we don't like in a place we hate.

I'm so sorry about your DH. Thank you for the advice. Unfortunately DH thinks anything I say is just negative when really I need him to see what issues could come up.
I have suggested he finds a site and rings them with questions such as all costs involved, what you're allowed to do and not do etc.
Hopefully I'll make him see sense.

Were you going for tough love, here? Because it didn’t quite come off. 😳

You have one life. Live it how you wanna live it. If you have this dream or a strong urge to do something just do it! Otherwise you’ll get to 80 and think shit….. wish I’d done that

I agree all the comments about leaving him are potty if you are otherwise happy in your marriage (where people think these perfect men are I do not know). But you are entitled to some space for your needs here. Tell him very simply that staying in the house/area are making you deeply unhappy. Just say it out loud whilst you are both in the same room and then go and do something else. So no argument just you saying how you feel. he then chew on that and talk to you or not. If he is the 'not talking about stuff' type he may never mention it. But at least he has heard it and you've got it off your chest.

If nothing comes of that then when doing stuff to the house comes up suggest that as you're not moving you'd like instead to put the money into an account for you to potentially be able to go and wfh in a holiday let for a month out of season now and again. As a compromise. Where he can join you if he has leave or for the weekends. Again he may go quiet on you for a bit but just keep making statements into the 'void' and be persistent. Pointing out that some thigns have to go your way too in your married life and you've given him this big thing in staying might start to penetrate after awhile.

And then if he is still not talking at least he might not be saying no - it might need a quiet and persistent drip, drip, drip of suggestions, moving to statements - "that month or so in county X I've mentioned? I've booked to go for 3 weeks in October/ later this year and I don't want to hear any more about it (which is good as it anticipates that he is going to stop talking to you over it for a bit but you can interpret silence as acceptance. And when he says are you really going then you can say of course, you never said anything...!)" And it gives you hope. And may actually be do-able even if only once every two or three years and make you feel better if you know you'll not be able to change his mind on the main move.

Good luck OP!

This post is a bit odd. If the husband doesn't want to move how can he be made to, unless OP is prepared to leave him. How does that make her a submissive wet blanket. Would the husband be a submissive wet blanket if he went along with a move he didn't want?

I agree I wouldnt consider leaving a happy marriage because of one disagreement on where to live.

I would leave a marriage with lots of ups and downs, to a man who does a complete u turn without any warning, repeatedly refuses to discuss issues that are really important to me, and punishes me with the silent treatment when I do so.

If your dream was to leave the area, why didn't you move before you were married & before you had children ?

If you want to move that badly, make it happen
But you can't force your DH to move too

They moved to the current area for their child’s schooling.

100% this! ⬆️ He's being selfish & childish.

His only reason for not moving is that he just can't be arsed with the hassle?!

I second the question: Do you want to stay with him? In a house you dislike. In a town you hate. Especially after the kids have left.

I am a bit puzzled by the whole 'dream' thing. If I were to move an hour's drive away from where I am now, it wouldn't really be a big change - even if I were in a much more rural environment. I'd be able to hold onto the same circle of friends, even if more driving/public transport was involved. I'd be pretty much in the same region. It would be known territory - a 'safe' move, rather than a big risk.

To me a more radical step - one that involved a lot more envisioning - would involve, at the very least, moving to the other end of the UK or crossing the border (Scotland, Wales). Or to another English speaking country. Perhaps becoming proficient in another language, so that I could move to mainland Europe. Doing a completely different kind of work - and maybe training for that - could also be part of the dream.

This one seems a relatively timid dream, and the whole situation sounds quite sad.

@LaGiaconda I think you underestimate how different somewhere an hour away can be. I live an hour away from York (on a low traffic day), yet York is so very different in many ways from my village on the edge of the Pennines.

No, I'm on the edge of a large urban area and an hour's drive could take me to somewhere more rural. But if you have access to a car, that distance means you have a safety net. Nights out/visits/meetings with old friends are relatively easy - at the point where you are still trying to build up new connections after moving.

I think the main thing about rural living is simply having to drive a lot more. Oddly, one can be a lot more 'green' in the city - where pretty much everything is a walk or a bus ride away.

I'd wager the OPs husband is ASD. They have a 'spiky' behaviour pattern. There will be some properly atrocious behaviour that in an ND man would be unforgivable because it would indicate a controlling arse. But especially around conflict and communication there can be a lot of 'can't' rather than 'won't'. Intent matters quite a bit and none of us can tell sitting from here but OP has been clear he is a good man whom she loves very much and doesn't wish to divorce.

*I am a bit puzzled by the whole 'dream' thing. If I were to move an hour's drive away from where I am now, it wouldn't really be a big change - even if I were in a much more rural environment. I'd be able to hold onto the same circle of friends, even if more driving/public transport was involved. I'd be pretty much in the same region. It would be known territory - a 'safe' move, rather than a big risk.

To me a more radical step - one that involved a lot more envisioning - would involve, at the very least, moving to the other end of the UK or crossing the border (Scotland, Wales). Or to another English speaking country. Perhaps becoming proficient in another language, so that I could move to mainland Europe. Doing a completely different kind of work - and maybe training for that - could also be part of the dream.

This one seems a relatively timid dream, and the whole situation sounds quite sad*

Strong disagree with all of this. An hour away would make a huge difference where I live.

In all honesty I only want to move 20 minutes away from where we are but it would be a different school, nursery, neighbours, further from family (currently a few streets away and same school). Different social circle. We are currently on the train line and in my dream location we wouldn't be so the commute would be totally different (ie always driving instead of a few drinks after work). A lot of our normal day to day interactions, routines, familiar things would all be different.

Not sure why you feel the need to downplay the OPs dream anyway. Even if it's not bold enough for you, it's her dream 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd leave. Rather than live in misery. My 1st husband did that pretty much, accompanied by the phrase you've made your bed now you have to lie in it...it was to be near his parents we were even in Essex, in a house I bought as he didn't work.
Left him moved back to the sticks, never been happier

WOW..you support him for 14 years and he pulls this? Dump him now. Seriously.

Another vote for this ^

'What would you do, how would you manage the feeling of loss that losing an achievable dream brings?'

Don't suffer the loss, you shouldn't have to. There's always a way, it won't be easy but you do whatever you have to do to stick to the original plan

Have a look at the holiday park / residential park action groups on Facebook
They are huge horror stories of people loosing thousands and thousands buying these statics. Not a good investment at all.

OP - Id get divorced, split the assets and live where you want.
You can get a no fault divorce.
Id never live the rest of my life unhappy in a house for any man like this

Apologies if I am repeating what someone else has said as I have only read OP’s account. Before you mentioned your daughter has ASD I was thinking maybe that is the issue with your husband. For him you have given him two major issues moving house and giving up work. If he struggles with change these will both be extremely difficult for him. Perhaps work on the move first and dont mention leaving his job.

OP- you could be reporting my own exact situation. It’s painful on many levels. We have had the exact same experience and I have not ever wanted to be someone who forces their other half into a decision about moving. But after 10 years of agreeing that when oldest child was certain age, we would sell our house and make the move, it all came crashing down. I won’t lie, it has completely changed our marriage and the way I view my husband. Our children are of an age where they can leave home to start their own lives now and they are both planning the move that we had talked about all their lives. I love my husband but feel completely betrayed by the lie that he was agreeing to all these years in letting me believe that this move was ever going to happen.

This is one of those situations where you’re both invalidating each others thoughts and feelings.
your desire to move isn’t more superior than his desire to stay.

revisit the topic in a couple of years and see how he feels then. There may well be more to his side of things than you’re aware of or letting on.

Start looking at properties you could move to and find some you think he would like. Send him the links and see if he is interested. Sometimes it just takes a nudge in the right direction especially if the payments would be much cheaper!

My tortoise 🐢 was just like this. I did everything, estate agents, solicitors, packing, removals. The only thing he did was pack up his shed. We actually moved from very rural to a village. Two had married, third child was 14.

Seven years on he still says he'd move back to his 2.5 acres, big house. After two torn rotor cuff injuries a knee that is kaput I just roll my eyes.

We had twenty wonderful years rurally but it can be very lonely, isolated. So we picked a more urban setting a big bungalow, near, shops, the river, there are buses!!!

Our rural home energy bills 3.5k eight years ago. Now abou £1200 per annum. That is a bonus.

We never lost our friends, social circle, didn't have to change schools. @WanderlustLost there's a lot to think about.