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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dream being shattered by husband, how to cope?

307 replies

WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 09:13

I'm looking for advice on how to cope when you are being held back from your achievable dream.

I want to move out of the area we live in. We made a strategic move to an expensive area with a large mortgage for schools.

We planned (I thought) to only be here while our child attends school (5-7years) and then move out of the area.

We live in our home town and for as long as I remember I wanted to move, I don't like where we live although it's very popular, I want to live in the country.

He has now said he doesn't want to move.

This now means a huge mortgage over our heads until 68!

It also means being stuck in a house neither of us are particularly fond of.

It means I will never get out of this town.

He doesn't like moving, the packing, the paying the solicitor and the estate agent for their services and he doesn't want to be far from work even though moving would allow for him to retire early.

If I try and talk to him he just gets angry and then doesn't talk to me for days but I can't cope with the idea of living here forever.

What would you do, how would you manage the feeling of loss that losing an achievable dream brings?

I'm gutted and while I'm hiding my feelings from our children the older ones know what this means to me and are angry with their dad (he told me in front of them and I've spoken for years about the long term goal). It's their dream too.

Right now I want to curl up in bed and hide, I'm not obviously but I feel like what is the point. We will work out guts out till we die for what? A house we don't like in a place we hate.

OP posts:
Shhhquirrel · 05/06/2023 13:58

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/06/2023 12:00

Sounds like he’s gaslighting you into believing he never properly agreed... 🚩

Shutting you down and giving silent treatment… 🚩

How much older than you is he?

I know you don’t want to divorce him but he seems to think he gets to be the one to call the shots, and uses tried and tested abuse techniques to get you to tow the line.

This

You need to take a long hard look at your ‘relationship’.

JudgeJ · 05/06/2023 14:02

FatGirlSwim · 05/06/2023 09:18

Go without him? The stonewalling and making unilateral decisions based on his wants with no regard for anyone else doesn’t sound good.

It's no more his unilateral decision to stay than the OP's desire to move, both of them need to try and come to a compromise.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 05/06/2023 14:07

Maybe dangle the early retirement option In front of him, this may give him some incentive

I had a similar situation, I hated our home, it was my ex husbands home and I bought him out. I stayed there when the dc were small and we could walk to school but I fully intended to move when they were older. My dh agreed but every time the conversation came up he's give me a none answer. In the end I laid it out to him, I didn't want to die in this house and it was making me really unhappy and affecting my mental health. So we did move and ironically he now loves the new house and area and tells me it was one of the best decisions to move

Mamanch · 05/06/2023 14:20

Tell him you're sticking to the original plan and he can like it or lump it. I did this with my dh. We were in Canada, originally for 2 years, ended up being more. I didn't want to stay (too far from family...) eventually cracked and said i was going back to europe with the dc (i was pregnant with dc3 at the time) and he could do what he liked. He came. But i meant it, i was going whether he did or not and it took that for him to realise i was serious.

Mirabai · 05/06/2023 14:22

That is the point with the OP - she obviously wants to stay together but sometimes you have to say - this is so important to me I’d consider doing it alone - for the partner to realise their spouse is serious.

Original poster
WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 14:31

Laureltime · 05/06/2023 10:43

How quickly people move to ending a good marriage over one issue. She’s very clear this is a long marriage and they are happy. She even calls him wonderful, she wants to move, he doesn’t. He’s allowed to change his mind and wish to stay. She’s clear she’s not going to leave him as he doesn’t want to move and I can’t blame her, what a fucking ridiculous idea.

all this bravado “I’d leave a long happy marriage me to live where I want, nothing gets in the way of my happiness”. Aye.

op, maybe he will consider it again when actually retired. It’s very big life changes you’re talking about, retirement, and whilst you’re still working, moving away from everything he is now familiar with, it’s a big change.

Show quote history

Thank you, yes this is my point we've had our ups and down like everyone does but he's a good man with a good heart just terrible communication skills.

I'm not going to leave him but I don't know how I'm going to be happy without this dream. I wouldn't be any happier living in my dream place without my husband. It's a bit lose/lose really.

OP posts:
RedRiverSun · 05/06/2023 14:33

@Senseofnopurpose Jesus. Just sod off. Did that make you feel better? Superior with your laughing face emojis?

No sane person would think that an anonymous Internet poster should make a massive life decision like divorce on the advice of an internet forum and if she does not then she has not purpose here.

You don't belong on the Internet.

Bintle · 05/06/2023 14:34

WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 14:31

Thank you, yes this is my point we've had our ups and down like everyone does but he's a good man with a good heart just terrible communication skills.

I'm not going to leave him but I don't know how I'm going to be happy without this dream. I wouldn't be any happier living in my dream place without my husband. It's a bit lose/lose really.

Show quote history

Happiness is a state of mind OP. You can be happy anywhere if you want to.

Original poster
WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 14:34

Glockle · 05/06/2023 10:46

I think you may need to do all the legwork and find a place, and then do all the moving admin. He may then come round. Sounds like it’s the process maybe rather than the end result that really scaring him? It’s not fair but that approach may be the only way.

But whatever you do, don’t plan a move to Cornwall or Devon. Having read the recent thread, they definitely don’t want ‘emmets’ from ‘upcountry’!

Haha yes I've read that about Devon and Cornwall such a shame because it is beautiful but it's too far for us.

I want to move about an hour's drive from where we are now. Not far but far enough 😊

I think I may have to try this way, he doesn't like anything less than concrete so I may say we can move here as in the location but without the exact house he thinks it's not a good idea.

Perhaps if I showed him, here is the place and this is how it'll work he'll come round. I just don't want to set my heart on somewhere and then he dig in and say no even harder that will hurt.

OP posts:
Bintle · 05/06/2023 14:35

Senseofnopurpose · 05/06/2023 13:02

You're a submissive wet blanket that belongs in the 1950's along with your husband's stubbornness notwithstanding his autistic traits.

Why ask advice here, you're not going to like the responses as they'll require dynamic action?

I already feel sorry for any prospective buyers of your house if it ever gets on the market, as your husband will refuse to move at the last moment 🤣🤣🤣

What a horrible, unhelpful and just plain wrong post.

Bintle · 05/06/2023 14:36

WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 14:34

Haha yes I've read that about Devon and Cornwall such a shame because it is beautiful but it's too far for us.

I want to move about an hour's drive from where we are now. Not far but far enough 😊

I think I may have to try this way, he doesn't like anything less than concrete so I may say we can move here as in the location but without the exact house he thinks it's not a good idea.

Perhaps if I showed him, here is the place and this is how it'll work he'll come round. I just don't want to set my heart on somewhere and then he dig in and say no even harder that will hurt.

Show quote history

But 5 years is ages away OP. Of course you can't pick the house yet.

Ladybug14 · 05/06/2023 14:37

"" I wouldn't be any happier living in my dream place without my husband""

Well that's fair enough. I can understand that

So really, he has the whip hand and unless you can persuade him, by hook or by crook, then you're stuffed

What would he do if you found a place that you love and put your current house on the market (kind of played him at his own game)? What would he do?

Because if he'd simply do his childish silent treatment..... you might as well sell the house, buy your dream home and pack up and move. With him following along being childishly silent 🤣

toomuchlaundry · 05/06/2023 14:39

What is the difference between the time he can retire if you stay where you are and if you move?

Soontobe60 · 05/06/2023 14:48

Ihatepickingausername3 · 05/06/2023 12:00

Of course they do if you’ve shared the dream with them and promised them we are doing x, y, z. If the OPs other half never intended to go through with this plan then they should never have involved the children!

Show quote history

The OP has shared HER dream with them! So they’ve grown up believing that mummy’s dream is also their dream. When in reality it may not actually be what they want.

jackstini · 05/06/2023 15:00

I think you need to make it crystal clear that never moving again is not an option

From previous posts it sounds like your husband needs specifics and clarity; so I would be saying:
This area is where I want to move to, the place we have always planned
We will move there in either 3 or 5 years
Us staying in this town forever is not happening

You have compromised for years, it's his turn

Original poster
WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 15:00

ChocChipHandbag · 05/06/2023 10:55

How quickly people move to ending a good marriage over one issue. She’s very clear this is a long marriage and they are happy.

She also seems unable to recognise or even acknowledge that her husband is not just expressing a different viewpoint, or changing his mind, or digging his heels in when they discuss the matter- he is REFUSING TO SPEAK TO HER.

This is childish, behaviour and can't possibly be appropriate in any context. Seriously OP, mentally healthy/non-abusive adults do not behave like this. Why are you minimising it? Is it because you don't realise it's not normal?

He can't cope with confrontation. He's not trying to be cruel or manipulative or abusive he just can't.

OP posts:
CecilyP · 05/06/2023 15:02

I want to move about an hour's drive from where we are now. Not far but far enough 😊

Would that mean he would have to drive an hour each way to get to work? While you can work where you move to? Is there any public transport he and your younger child would be able to use? I can see his reluctance. Is there anywhere a bit closer that would fit the bill? How far is your DH from retirement age?

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 15:04

Would his commute to work (albeit presumably wouldn’t be for too many years since he could retire) change drastically if you moved to the country? He could be worried about that and the prospect of a long commute would certainly affect most people’s decision to move or not.

If no worries about commute, you say there are five more years of schooling before you could move anyway? That’s a bit far in the future to secure a definite yes from your husband at this time, though he did give it to you. He just isn’t happy about it. I sympathize with you, you’re not happy either and you’ve put off your dream for many years.

You could go ahead and start taking steps toward that house in the country. Those steps could both get your husband used to the inevitable and also reassure yourself that your dream is making progress toward fulfillment.

Original poster
WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 15:05

Soontobe60 · 05/06/2023 14:48

The OP has shared HER dream with them! So they’ve grown up believing that mummy’s dream is also their dream. When in reality it may not actually be what they want.

Show quote history

It's not their dream it's mine and they have their own dreams around that.

The eldest will fly the nest and be what she wants to be, it doesn't matter where we her parents live. She likes the thought of bringing her children to stay at the grandparents in the country 😂

Our middle wants to live in the country, she just does.

The youngest at the moment wants to join the armed forces so he doesn't really care in all honesty but loves our chickens and ducks and gardening. He loves the countryside and he likes the idea of more of that.

OP posts:
horseyhorsey17 · 05/06/2023 15:06

This would be a dealbreaker for me. In fact, having separated over a year ago now, it was. He wanted to live near his football club (!) forever and I don't, I am not from round here and I want to move away once the kids leave school. It was just one of the reasons we split, not the only one, but you only live once - and not following your dreams when they're achievable is just not OK by me. We're all different though.

Original poster
WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 15:07

CecilyP · 05/06/2023 15:02

I want to move about an hour's drive from where we are now. Not far but far enough 😊

Would that mean he would have to drive an hour each way to get to work? While you can work where you move to? Is there any public transport he and your younger child would be able to use? I can see his reluctance. Is there anywhere a bit closer that would fit the bill? How far is your DH from retirement age?

He could retire should he chose but he would be 30 mins from work.

Yes there is plenty of public transport but our youngest will be driving or nearly be driving.

OP posts:
ChocChipHandbag · 05/06/2023 15:09

@WanderlustLost I still don't understand if he is only refusing to talk to you about the move, or if he is blanking you completely?

Original poster
WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 15:11

WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 15:07

He could retire should he chose but he would be 30 mins from work.

Yes there is plenty of public transport but our youngest will be driving or nearly be driving.

Show quote history

Sorry I should add he would be 30 mins from his yard. He works in construction so travels to jobs that can be many miles, the yard is where he loads up but he would almost certainly be closer to the jobs themselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 15:19

toomuchlaundry · 05/06/2023 14:39

What is the difference between the time he can retire if you stay where you are and if you move?

Potentially he could retire immediately if he chose to, if we moved. If we don't it's 68 so plus 10 years or more.

OP posts:
Original poster
WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 15:20

He's not talking to me at all at the moment.

OP posts:
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