Dream being shattered by husband, how to cope?

[WanderlustLost]

I'm looking for advice on how to cope when you are being held back from your achievable dream.

I want to move out of the area we live in. We made a strategic move to an expensive area with a large mortgage for schools.

We planned (I thought) to only be here while our child attends school (5-7years) and then move out of the area.

We live in our home town and for as long as I remember I wanted to move, I don't like where we live although it's very popular, I want to live in the country.

He has now said he doesn't want to move.

This now means a huge mortgage over our heads until 68!

It also means being stuck in a house neither of us are particularly fond of.

It means I will never get out of this town.

He doesn't like moving, the packing, the paying the solicitor and the estate agent for their services and he doesn't want to be far from work even though moving would allow for him to retire early.

If I try and talk to him he just gets angry and then doesn't talk to me for days but I can't cope with the idea of living here forever.

What would you do, how would you manage the feeling of loss that losing an achievable dream brings?

I'm gutted and while I'm hiding my feelings from our children the older ones know what this means to me and are angry with their dad (he told me in front of them and I've spoken for years about the long term goal). It's their dream too.

Right now I want to curl up in bed and hide, I'm not obviously but I feel like what is the point. We will work out guts out till we die for what? A house we don't like in a place we hate.

What is your DH’s plan for retirement?

Who says he gets to call the shots? Him saying ‘no’ to moving doesn’t mean you don’t move.
I fit is your dream, there is nothing I can see about your circumstances that mean you cannot still make it happen for you.
If he doesn’t want to join you, that’s his call.
Stock to your plan - renovate to sell eventually, not to ‘live with it forever’ level.
How long until your youngest finishes school?

How quickly people move to ending a good marriage over one issue. She’s very clear this is a long marriage and they are happy. She even calls him wonderful, she wants to move, he doesn’t. He’s allowed to change his mind and wish to stay. She’s clear she’s not going to leave him as he doesn’t want to move and I can’t blame her, what a fucking ridiculous idea.

all this bravado “I’d leave a long happy marriage me to live where I want, nothing gets in the way of my happiness”. Aye.

op, maybe he will consider it again when actually retired. It’s very big life changes you’re talking about, retirement, and whilst you’re still working, moving away from everything he is now familiar with, it’s a big change.

I think you may need to do all the legwork and find a place, and then do all the moving admin. He may then come round. Sounds like it’s the process maybe rather than the end result that really scaring him? It’s not fair but that approach may be the only way.

But whatever you do, don’t plan a move to Cornwall or Devon. Having read the recent thread, they definitely don’t want ‘emmets’ from ‘upcountry’!

I don't know now, I thought he did and now I'm not so sure.

I have wanted to move out of this town for as long as I can remember. When I was 6 I packed a suitcase and tried to get the train to London to live with my nan.

I thought we were on the same page and now I don't know if I got swept up in my excitement that it could actually happen after years of it being impossible.

I haven't outgrown our relationship, it's never been easy but the good times make the bad worth it and I'm not perfect and he's not a terrible person.

It's just do I let this go and try and be happy where we are or do I try and talk him round again.

I would stick to my guns and remind him he previously agreed to it and if you don’t move it will probably damage your relationship .

He doesn't have one!

He says he never agreed to anything, this is his stance now. Even though our eldest told him they were both there numerous times we've had this conversation and he had been in agreement or at least not said no (because now I'm doubting he said a firm yes)

How quickly people move to ending a good marriage over one issue. She’s very clear this is a long marriage and they are happy.

She also seems unable to recognise or even acknowledge that her husband is not just expressing a different viewpoint, or changing his mind, or digging his heels in when they discuss the matter- he is REFUSING TO SPEAK TO HER.

This is childish, behaviour and can't possibly be appropriate in any context. Seriously OP, mentally healthy/non-abusive adults do not behave like this. Why are you minimising it? Is it because you don't realise it's not normal?

I agree.
I live in a remote town and moved here at the same time as a couple who arrived with their child with SEN who had not long finished school. His mother had some ideas about the healing wholesomeness of country living, on the doorstep of real wilderness.
It was truly awful for this young man. He had no support network, no more drop in centres, very few people his age around at all, no clinicians with expertise in his needs closer than 100 miles away. Getting disability support services here is like, well, it's hellish. He became completely housebound (agoraphobic) and I heard from one person that he was suicidal. They've moved on now and I don't know how things have turned out for him.
I'm not sure how you figure things out with your Hb but I really hope you've thought this through for your child's sake.

Based on the quoted post, the Y problem is "your DH won't move to a house you will both like better because he hates moving" and your X problem is "your 'D'H doesn't value your opinion and sulks whenever you express disagreement".

Get a divorce, then you can live somewhere nicer and he can live somewhere he hates on his own

Again, compromise would be the answer if he will engage.

If you show willingness to accept his anxieties over the garden and agree to move to somewhere with a much smaller garden, maybe he would be willing to accept that a caravan is not the answer but a bungalow or smaller house? I don't know but it might be worth a try.

Youngest has 3 years of secondary and then 2 for 6th form.

So 5 max but he could potentially move for sixth form if the school doesn't offer what he wants to do.

I want to but I don't want to leave him and I don't want to bulldoze him into something he doesn't want because that isn't fair either.

I think he would love it though, he hates his job and this way he can retire early.

You say one of your children is autistic @WanderlustLost . Does your dh show any autistic traits by any chance?

He doesn't like to say no and so this is the problem he either says nothing or agrees with a 'we'll see' type response.
My exh was like this. Eventually he had an affair and told the OW that I had always pushed him into doing things he didn't want to do, such as getting married, having children etc. Has really opened my eyes to the unfairness of this "not saying no" behaviour: if he'd said he didn't want marriage or kids then duh, there would have been no marriage or kids. But instead, he went along with it and then had the cheek to make that my fault.

The two of you have never been on the same page about the house. I wonder if there are any more cracks in your marriage that you don't know about. Hope you don't find out like me, the hard way.

You also seem a bit naive about the emotional impact of retirement OP. You say your husband moans about his job- but it is probably precisely because he cares about it that he mobs about it so much. People's jobs are a massive part of their identity and it's not unreasonable to feel that you are going to lose identity and fear your own mortality when you stop working. With him being older than you he may also feel that more acutely as you are not "in it together" as far as retiring is concerned and he might envy you your work identity.

You do seem to be taking a rather simplistic approach with "he moans about it, surely he'll be glad to give it up"?

If he ever decides to talk to you again (a totally separate issue) maybe try asking him if he can articulate why he is not thrilled by the prospect of giving up a job that he seems to hate? Instead of just shrugging and saying to other people "I don't get it"?

Marriage or any long term relationship only works when both are able to compromise. I've made so many over the years, in fact I think I've made most but at 52 I've suddenly reached a point where I'm "No, this is too important to me" now and will take a stand. If we can't reach an agreement, so be it but there is always a conversation.

The fact he's not even prepared to talk about it doesn't bode well.

I'd fix it to sell as you don't seem very happy there - and maybe think location - perhaps smaller property less rural and focus on the positives of a smaller mortgage and keep pushing that idea.

DH talks about moving and we'd have a similar timeframe - that he did at one point talk about moving forward - but the actual stuff that needs to happen - the spending of money and getting things done is forever pushed back to some point. I'm fine either way but point out we can't do everything last minute.

I would give some consideration to actual rural living - how rural - because I grew up rural surrounded by inaccessible green fields and at mercy of poor public transport - my DP are struggling to drive now and isolation and getting about to hospitals/GP is a real issue.

If his only argument is he doesn't like the upheaval etc of moving then that's pretty awful as he knows it's your dream and the children want to move too. Together with a huge mortgage for years is madness! I'd be moving with the kids to be honest.

I think I'd tell him that it's a deal breaker for you and that he can either agree to the move or the divorce but he'll be moving either way.

Stringing you along for so long was cruel when he knew you weren't happy living there as it was.

For example we need new windows, do we fit expensive windows that we love but will be worth it because we'll enjoy them forever or do we fit nice but cheaper windows because we won't be around to enjoy them.
You fit cheaper windows because your husband is a lot older than you, and because you're married to someone you can't trust to be honest with you. The chances of you not being together in another five or ten years are not low.

I am in no way saying give up on your dream, but you evidently have added difficulties in your setup of which you are obviously aware.
Your daughter's needs- you say that she will live with you forever. This implies that she has enough difficulty to warrant not living independently, however her needs are not so high as for you to feel that you will not be needing regular respite and help in the future.
A rural location makes any outside help more problematic and if these needs were to change, it might be the case of having to move again if you wish to be close by your daughter.
As others have said, your husband's behaviour gives off autistic vibes. Along with your daughter's diagnosis, chances are that your family ( all together) is going to struggle to be as flexible and spontaneous as the average family.
Hopefully, with careful planning and going about it the right way, you can all find a compromise for the long term where everyone is content.

Quite!

I'd just move on my own. Life is too short.