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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dream being shattered by husband, how to cope?

307 replies

WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 09:13

I'm looking for advice on how to cope when you are being held back from your achievable dream.

I want to move out of the area we live in. We made a strategic move to an expensive area with a large mortgage for schools.

We planned (I thought) to only be here while our child attends school (5-7years) and then move out of the area.

We live in our home town and for as long as I remember I wanted to move, I don't like where we live although it's very popular, I want to live in the country.

He has now said he doesn't want to move.

This now means a huge mortgage over our heads until 68!

It also means being stuck in a house neither of us are particularly fond of.

It means I will never get out of this town.

He doesn't like moving, the packing, the paying the solicitor and the estate agent for their services and he doesn't want to be far from work even though moving would allow for him to retire early.

If I try and talk to him he just gets angry and then doesn't talk to me for days but I can't cope with the idea of living here forever.

What would you do, how would you manage the feeling of loss that losing an achievable dream brings?

I'm gutted and while I'm hiding my feelings from our children the older ones know what this means to me and are angry with their dad (he told me in front of them and I've spoken for years about the long term goal). It's their dream too.

Right now I want to curl up in bed and hide, I'm not obviously but I feel like what is the point. We will work out guts out till we die for what? A house we don't like in a place we hate.

OP posts:
Batalax · 05/06/2023 10:11

So he agreed to move last week by saying yes when you pinned him down, but then won’t discuss it again?

Can you financially afford to split?

MySugarBabyLove · 05/06/2023 10:15

WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 09:49

No last week we were talking and he had been making some vague murmurs that maybe we weren't going to be moving. So I said to him, please can I get a firm yes to this, that we will move when youngest finishes like we planned.

He said yes.

Then Saturday got annoyed and hasn't spoken to me.

Show quote history

so you’re omitting details here to suit your own agenda and get the answers you want.

He hasn’t said no or (in dramatic fashion) shattered your dream, he’s said yes, but that’s not enough and now you’re pushing and pushing and pushing for immediate commitments re windows and selling and playing the emotional card of your children having this dream (they really don’t,). It’s not hard to see why he’s getting annoyed here tbh and you’re being somewhat disingenuous.

TheCheeseTray · 05/06/2023 10:15

WilkinsonM · 05/06/2023 09:23

He gets angry and refuses to talk to you for days?
get a divorce, sell the house and buy a little place where you want to without him.
not even joking.

This.

if this was the agreed plan he has trapped you. Divorce, sell the house and move to the country.

LaGiaconda · 05/06/2023 10:15

I think when there is a child with autism, then there are real issues about

a) their difficulties with processing a major change in location
b) the availability of appropriate support - eg education/training/employment - in a new location
c) if this is someone who would have particular difficulties in terms of earning money/learning to drive/living independently, how would a move to a rural location affect their degree of independence/dependence.
d) what would happen in terms of supporting them, if you and your partner were to separate. How would they process that major change in their life and who would help them.

TheCheeseTray · 05/06/2023 10:17

Ps him refusing to discuss it and going back on agreed terms is abuse and this is horrendous abuse - mental health and emotional health are important and you need to move fast at the moment he holds the cards - you live near family, their schools etc making it harder for you to divorce and move and get 50/50 custody

Ffsmakeitstop · 05/06/2023 10:18

Fleebags · 05/06/2023 09:46

How awful. You did not work so hard to end up living in a caravan. What if you did, and then you ended up splitting up anyway because the lack of personal space would drive you crazy..

Show quote history

Thank you. He thinks we will be able to afford to go out most days so he won't be bored.
My solution is for me to carry on working 3 days which will more than pay the mortgage and still have 4 days and the money to go out.
He also does a woodworking thing which he wouldn't be able to do on a campsite but he thinks I'm just being negative.
Why does life sometimes not get any easier?

FacebookFun · 05/06/2023 10:18

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

CalistoNoSolo · 05/06/2023 10:19

I'd divorce him (but then I wouldn't even date someone who had always lived in the same town). You're fundamentally incompatible on this issue.

MumblesParty · 05/06/2023 10:19

You’ve said you won’t leave him, despite him sounding like a bit of a dick with his sulking and not speaking etc.
So you have a choice - you could start looking at houses. When you find one you like, you can suggest your husband comes to see it.

Or you can be a miserable martyr and just accept your husband’s choices for the rest of your life.

Pamspeople · 05/06/2023 10:19

How do you deal with other things you disagree about? An adult who gets angry then refuses to speak to you when they have to deal with a difference of opinion or change is either very immature or abusive. Not a good role model for kids and not a loving partner.

FatGirlSwim · 05/06/2023 10:21

Bintle · 05/06/2023 09:58

No, I find this hard to believe! But then my older kids would love to live in a town nit in the middle of nowhere!

Show quote history

Not all teens are the same! Mine want to live more rurally and hate busy towns. This is more likely with autistic family members I think. It’s me saying we need to live in the town so that I’m not taxi.

Autism wise being able to leave the town might be important.

If your dh is potentially neurodivergent he might just be struggling with the change and some overwhelm, in which case give him a bit of space to process?

YukoandHiro · 05/06/2023 10:22

Did he actually ever agree, properly with enthusiasm, to this long term plan? Or did he obfuscate a bit and say "sounds like it might work, let's focus on getting the kids into the right school first" etc? Did you hear what you wanted to hear initially, or has he fully changed position on this?

I think there are two things going on here:

  1. you have different views about where to live right now, and costs that you should absorb in housing etc

  2. you feeling tied down in general - hence your feeling that you need to get out of your town and start over.

Is there something bigger going on? Have you outgrown this relationship and deep down want something different for the rest of your future?

Original poster
WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 10:23

MichelleScarn · 05/06/2023 09:38

Is the plan for you both to retire at the same time? Could you both wfh or commute if you moved semi rural?

No, he's a lot older than me. He would retire first and then me, I WFH.

He seems to be reluctant to retire but never stops moaning about his job!

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 05/06/2023 10:24

I do understand. It was always my dream to live in one of a few dream locations but that was not possible during working life/dependent kids. DH never said no/otherwise and the dream locations always talked about/factored in for the future. Kids always excitedly talked about DH/myself living in such places. To the point of us physically canvassing real estate in the areas over the years. Got to the point of last being in uni so I decided to initiate ‘the plan’. Purchase, rent out until last kid out of uni and in stable employment. DH said, no, not going.

My immediate plan was to leave DH and continue with ‘the dream’. One of the kids took me out for dinner, and explained while they were all 100% excited for me and happy for me, the reality was it would not really be feasible for them to visit often, maybe once every few years, and it would basically rely on me coming to them to catch up. A fair enough point as any potential was hours away by plane followed by a substantial drive so any visit automatically loses 2 full days. In my head I’d imagined kids coming to us twice a year and we going to them twice a year (banking on fact that for several years they would all likely be living together). So, the rose coloured glasses with family get-together Xmas’ Sun an idyllic location etc fell off. I decided to stay put with DH.

I then decided to just let go of the dream and make the most of a situation I didn’t want to be in. That meant moving to a ‘dream’ home locally that would also be suitable in old age re accessibility, so sprawling single level, no yard/pool to pay to maintain, right on top of great local facilities/transport if can’t drive when older etc. Design/decorate how I wanted, new furniture etc. Basically, making the best of it and resetting the mind. Maybe look at this as a choice if necessary?

Serena73 · 05/06/2023 10:27

Both of your feelings are valid, maybe his thoughts on the matter have changed over the years? I feel you have to look for a compromise, which obviously means talking about it. Maybe he doesn't want to retire early? Maybe he thought he would love to live in the country but now realises he doesn't? Compromise is important otherwise one of you will resent the decision.

Original poster
WanderlustLost · 05/06/2023 10:30

Bintle · 05/06/2023 09:53

In the nicest possible way OP, and obviously I don't know your exact circumstances, living very rurally (as I do) isn't always amazing. You actually need to lean on your partner more if anything as life in the winter is difficult. Do you have an actual place in mind?

Show quote history

Yes, we know it well.

My husband is wonderful much of the time, this is just a really difficult issue.

Winter is mild, rarely see snow for example.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 05/06/2023 10:30

I agree, he sounds as though he would also be sitting on the spectrum and just doesn’t want the stress and chaos of a move. I think you need to come at this from a different angle, however he has to be open to talking to you for you to find a way through.

I wonder if you told him you would take the load of finding the new house and organising the removal people he might be more receptive. You could organise a savings pot that would be the money towards the house move costs. I would drag him out of the house and into a quiet pub and make him talk about it. Then try to find a way to sort his main worries out. Even if t jeans more financial input from you as you are the one who wants to make it happen.

RedRiverSun · 05/06/2023 10:30

I think the autistic child who can't live independently would really give me pause. What will happen when you get older and need care? If you live rurally that child will be very isolated and getting care for all of you will be really problematic. Any chance the husband who struggles with change and has the collectibles is also ASD?

MintyCedric · 05/06/2023 10:33

Yes, my job can be done anywhere but I won't be divorcing him.

If that’s your decision, then acceptance is your only choice. It doesn’t sound like you have much choice in the marriage…

How will you feel in your eighties looking back - at all the years you were working when you might not have been? Of all the trips you might have taken, hobbies you could have pursued, friendships you might have established?

If you really think continuing a marriage to a man who, for whatever reason/s, will basically not allow you to have any choice or fulfilment in your life (or at least severely curtail your options), is what you want, the you need to own it and accept it.

Perhaps solo counselling might be an option for you to come to terms with your decision and find a way to make it work for you?

Natty13 · 05/06/2023 10:33

We will work out guts out till we die for what? A house we don't like in a place we hate.

Add to that "with a man who doesn't give one shit about my feelings"

I don't say this lightly but I wouldn't honestly move without him. No man is worth my happiness, especially not one who doesn't even care about me enough to discuss or compromise!

CornishGem1975 · 05/06/2023 10:35

Shoxfordian · 05/06/2023 09:21

Divorce and move without him; a relationship where you can’t talk and compromise isn’t working

This. why is it just HIS decision. He says no, so it's no?

From your other update posts, I'd be out of there anywhere.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/06/2023 10:35

wonder how has the dream come about?

Have you lived rurally before? Is it an area you know well?

I was brought up rurally in a small market seaside town.. A popular holiday destination...

Lots of people who move here and then leave after a couple of years ... It just doesn't live up to the fantasy,with little public transport (train stations are 30 mins away) , sparse expensive shopping opportunities and limited entertainment out of school holidays.

Having said that if you have thoroughly researched your dream place... This would be a deal breaker...like hell I'd stay in a town /home i hated!

Ladybug14 · 05/06/2023 10:38

MintyCedric · 05/06/2023 10:33

Yes, my job can be done anywhere but I won't be divorcing him.

If that’s your decision, then acceptance is your only choice. It doesn’t sound like you have much choice in the marriage…

How will you feel in your eighties looking back - at all the years you were working when you might not have been? Of all the trips you might have taken, hobbies you could have pursued, friendships you might have established?

If you really think continuing a marriage to a man who, for whatever reason/s, will basically not allow you to have any choice or fulfilment in your life (or at least severely curtail your options), is what you want, the you need to own it and accept it.

Perhaps solo counselling might be an option for you to come to terms with your decision and find a way to make it work for you?

No divorce essentially means that his choice will win.

Hes spent his life going quiet to get his own way

That will continue

And you won't move house

You are also modelling to your children, that this type of relationship is worth staying in

Bintle · 05/06/2023 10:39

RedRiverSun · 05/06/2023 10:30

I think the autistic child who can't live independently would really give me pause. What will happen when you get older and need care? If you live rurally that child will be very isolated and getting care for all of you will be really problematic. Any chance the husband who struggles with change and has the collectibles is also ASD?

Perhaps the OPs dh is taking this into account by backtracking.

butterpuffed · 05/06/2023 10:41

OP ,you said it's been your dream since you were a child . Do you think you got caught up in and swept away by it ie., it's your dream, everyone you love will want it too ? Your husband doesn't like confrontation , maybe he just went along with it for all these years to keep the peace and because he thought your dream would fade .

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