Dream being shattered by husband, how to cope?

[WanderlustLost]

I'm looking for advice on how to cope when you are being held back from your achievable dream.

I want to move out of the area we live in. We made a strategic move to an expensive area with a large mortgage for schools.

We planned (I thought) to only be here while our child attends school (5-7years) and then move out of the area.

We live in our home town and for as long as I remember I wanted to move, I don't like where we live although it's very popular, I want to live in the country.

He has now said he doesn't want to move.

This now means a huge mortgage over our heads until 68!

It also means being stuck in a house neither of us are particularly fond of.

It means I will never get out of this town.

He doesn't like moving, the packing, the paying the solicitor and the estate agent for their services and he doesn't want to be far from work even though moving would allow for him to retire early.

If I try and talk to him he just gets angry and then doesn't talk to me for days but I can't cope with the idea of living here forever.

What would you do, how would you manage the feeling of loss that losing an achievable dream brings?

I'm gutted and while I'm hiding my feelings from our children the older ones know what this means to me and are angry with their dad (he told me in front of them and I've spoken for years about the long term goal). It's their dream too.

Right now I want to curl up in bed and hide, I'm not obviously but I feel like what is the point. We will work out guts out till we die for what? A house we don't like in a place we hate.

Living in a town doesn’t suit me or my autistic children at all, the whole environment just makes life more difficult. Rural is better for us - less overstimulating.

Specialist services non existent however, although on the other hand resources are so stretched in big cities that you often can’t get access to services until it’s desperate and sometimes not then.

Maybe the dh just wants to get nice bloody windows and have an easy commute and get through the next 5 years before they have to put themselves through the stress of moving?

Can't believe all the posts telling the OP to divorce him or that he must be autistic. It's amazing that any of you stay married!

Agree, and all those saying 'sell the house whether he wants to or not!' I don't think its that easy, is it?

If you’re clear that separating isn’t what you want then I think the best practical advice is to stop talking about it for a while and let everyone’s feelings settle. Start looking for something suitable on the quiet and put it to him again when you have something more definite to discuss. You might have to promise to deal with the solicitors, surveyors etc yourself. You can’t force him to move but you can try to persuade him and tell him how you feel. If he still doesn’t want to consider it and you want to stay together you have no option but to radically accept where you are and make the best of it.

Perhaps it's the OP who is ASD with her hyperfixation on something years away.

My autistic children (and me, also autistic) are much less impacted in a rural setting with lots of outdoor time, no crowds and less traffic. It really makes a life changing difference to us.

We’re in a small rural town atm. Only because of convenience. Once the kids finish school we’ll choose to be in the arse end of nowhere (I grew up in arse end, I do know what it’s like!)

@WanderlustLost

Yes, they are so alike. My daughter needs time to process things and so does my husband which is why I gently raise things that might cause issues.
I knew moving again might be difficult and he might try and backtrack but I've tried to reassure him each time he's wobbled recently but this time it feels like his digging in and there is only so much I can take.

But that's not true.
If he digs his heels in it's you who'll lose out.

You won't leave him, you won't push his and there's no compromise

So he knows you'll take it

I know you don’t want to bulldoze him, but I’m afraid to get what you all want you’re going to have to. Tell him you and the children are moving when youngest has left school as planned and that he is welcome to join you. But that you will all be going. Then execute the plan. Keep the door open to him, but stick to your guns.

Well, it's interesting that the OP has wanted to move out since she was 6.

But then she married someone from her home town who appears to be quite averse to change.

Why? If you've really really wanted something for a long time, why hasn't it happened. Is there a part of you that actually doesn't want it - is scared, but looks for some external rationalisation that makes it impossible.

My partner - who travelled widely in his youth - sometimes talks about various far off places he'd like to visit. These are mainly cities and I have a preference for holidays in more rural locations. So we've had some really lovely walking holidays in Europe and had an adventurous trip to some islands in spring.

On a recent trip I noticed that he was becoming really agitated and nervous, after several nights of sleeping badly/transfers etc. There was some difficulty with the maps/app that would get us to our next destination. He got really really fraught - quite ill with the stress - and it was me who took charge, coaxed him along, reassured him.got us to where we were going, sorted out our accommodation for that night, found us somewhere to eat.

Part of me then felt when he recently said, 'I really want to go to X city, ' that I am not sure how much he really does want this.

He wants the fantasy of it, but I am not sure how much he now actually wants to deal with all the practicalities. It is actually quite convenient for him, that I've always shown a preference for slightly less distant destinations, and he can be seen to be going along with me.

Does this make sense?

If you have wanted to leave since you were 6 why have you not done it? I think at this stage you are using him as a reason not to. Should you let a man control your future and scupper such a long held dream? You have options.

@FatGirlSwim will your DC be able to live independently? If they can't will they cope when you are no longer able to look after them, in the arse end of nowhere

Just keep bringing it up until you wear him down ?

I couldn’t give up on it. Nobody likes moving but it’s necessary. Stand your ground and say you will be moving with or without him. What’s the alternative? Festering the rest of your life away in a house and place you don’t like?

I'd imagine this is what the OP has been doing amd he's probably sick of it.

The thing is, only one of you can 'win' here. Either your 'dream' is shattered, or his is. Its not really possible to compromise from what you say. He isn't wrong to not want to move. And 'emotionally blackmailing' him whether intentionally or not isn't going to sit well either. Wearing him down is a terrible suggestion. I think where you can't agree, the person who wants the 'change' is probably the one who has to forgo it if they aren't willing to go alone.

Can you offer to do the heavy lifting with a move ? ie short list properties ,deal with EA and packing etc .Acknowledge to him that you know he hates all that and you'll deal with as much as possible .
Work out a timeline ,cheaper fixing up with resale in couple of years ?
My partner is like this so I sympathise .However he's also v lazy so mainly I can plough on regardless .
By the way I'm assuming ,apart from travel to work ,that it's the effort involved in moving that he hates ,not the idea itself .

There is still 5 years to go and I imagine you still need to work for a living. Do you work or depend in him? I think it must be annoying for him if you are constantly bringing this up when there is still so much time to wait until the youngest finish school.

Try to focus on the present and enjoy live now. Find some positive and things that make you happy.

This. He just doesn’t want to move. I was him a few years ago. My bloke was hellbent on moving from the house we’ve lived in for 24 years. It’s home and we’re still here because if you can’t agree you have to compromise.

I kind of had this OP. We had what I thought was a shared dream and plan… but I realised that he was actively sabotaging it with his actions! He said he wanted it… but he didn’t really because he didn’t ever prioritise it. It took me a while to see that because he made his actions sound so logical! I.e quitting his well paid job to work for himself saying he would earn far more… but then not putting the effort in so it didn’t work out and it actually put us in a worse situation with debt!

A lot can happen in five years. I would live in the present and focus on that for now.

Personally having been through retirement and a subsequent move, it needs to be carefully thought through, talked about and compromise is always needed, even in a very good and open relationship.

We've always lived in a village but within the longest trip to a town or city being 30 minutes. Have you ever lived totally rurally? What about transport and services for your daughter? I think you need to think about options for the whole family here - by all means try to move in five years, but maybe be more realistic about your location? There are plenty of places such as I describe - we live in an absolutely beautiful rural area, but hop on a bus and in a city within twenty minutes.

I would also be cutting your husband some slack at present too - men find the prospect of retirement extremely difficult. It takes a lot of adjustment for them to find other outlets other than work, as their identity as a working man is taken away from them. Whereas for you, your life won't change with working from home. I think you need to tailor your expectations and be more realistic.

@Blossomtoes but you didn’t compromise - you got your own way.
Finding a true compromise in this sort of situation is really difficult.
What must be frustrating for OP is that her husband keeps flip flopping about his answer…

And to add… Kids also wanted the dream. The fact that he also strung the kids along making promises he never intended to keep hurt the most. I left him. I’ll get that dream for me and the kids… without being sabotaged at every step!