Dream being shattered by husband, how to cope?

[WanderlustLost]

I'm looking for advice on how to cope when you are being held back from your achievable dream.

I want to move out of the area we live in. We made a strategic move to an expensive area with a large mortgage for schools.

We planned (I thought) to only be here while our child attends school (5-7years) and then move out of the area.

We live in our home town and for as long as I remember I wanted to move, I don't like where we live although it's very popular, I want to live in the country.

He has now said he doesn't want to move.

This now means a huge mortgage over our heads until 68!

It also means being stuck in a house neither of us are particularly fond of.

It means I will never get out of this town.

He doesn't like moving, the packing, the paying the solicitor and the estate agent for their services and he doesn't want to be far from work even though moving would allow for him to retire early.

If I try and talk to him he just gets angry and then doesn't talk to me for days but I can't cope with the idea of living here forever.

What would you do, how would you manage the feeling of loss that losing an achievable dream brings?

I'm gutted and while I'm hiding my feelings from our children the older ones know what this means to me and are angry with their dad (he told me in front of them and I've spoken for years about the long term goal). It's their dream too.

Right now I want to curl up in bed and hide, I'm not obviously but I feel like what is the point. We will work out guts out till we die for what? A house we don't like in a place we hate.

In the nicest possible way OP, and obviously I don't know your exact circumstances, living very rurally (as I do) isn't always amazing. You actually need to lean on your partner more if anything as life in the winter is difficult. Do you have an actual place in mind?

Yes, my job can be done anywhere but I won't be divorcing him.

We've been together 22 years, he's a good person most of the time. He just doesn't like arguements or change.

What will happen to your DC who wants to live with you forever when you are not around?

Can you compromise slightly on area and you do all the organising etc.

This.

There is no compromise in a situation like this though. For either one to get what they want, the other has to give in. That’s not compromising.

Although as is usual on MN, he is totally in the wrong and the OP is entitled to everything she wants or she should leave him, which I don’t think was quite what she was looking for!

You’re not wrong to be disappointed but I don’t believe for a second it’s your children’s dream. It’s what you want, which is enough reason without having to embellish it!

You have options, even if your plan doesn’t end up being how you expected.

Without knowing wjere the OP wants to move then it's perfectly possible that there could be compromise.

This.
Things always need talked about, discussed and all options explored. A marriage is a partnership and both of your feelings are important, not just his.
It sounds like he's gone along with it to keep you pacified but had no real intention of doing it.

Could exactly not be said for the dh too?
He should be listened to and his opinion treated as equal with op wanting to make him happy?
I'm coming from the opinion of dh though as mine wants to move more rural, think nearest neighbours 10 miles away esque!

What do you mean by 'rural' @WanderlustLost ? Villagey or just outside one or a croft type thing?

No, I find this hard to believe! But then my older kids would love to live in a town nit in the middle of nowhere!

Then you have to accept that that’s who you married, and any promise he makes is just a placeholder to keep you quiet, that he has no intention of making good on.

I’d still only get the cheap windows, though, for the day you realise you don’t want to live like this any more. I don’t mean where you live: I mean living with someone who will lie and stonewall and give the silent treatment.

There are numerous considerations here.

Firstly, your marriage is already difficult, There was never a worse time to make major changes in your lives than when your marriage isn’t stable, because moving and doing things that you’re not in agreement over is just going to make things worse in an already fragile marriage.

Secondly unless you can be a cash buyer now isn’t the best time to think about moving house. The more expensive houses currently aren’t selling, and the cheaper houses are more expensive, added to that the increase in mortgage interest rates and it’s something you need to seriously consider.

The opinions of your children are frankly irrelevant. They’re not going to be the ones living there. If it’s their dream (and I sincerely doubt that TBH) to live in the country then they will do that as they grow up. In five ten years time they’ll all be long gone with their own families, living in their own houses, and the younger ones may well resent living in a rural area where they’re isolated and you’re expected to play taxi.

The biggest issue here is your marriage. You need to sort that out first before you do anything else. Do up the house to the best standard, either because you end up selling because of moving or splitting, or because you end up deciding to stay living in it.

And if you’ve never lived in the country think about what it is you really want from it. Rural living works for many people but not everyone. Living in a place where you have no access to public transport should you end up in a position where you can’t drive in old age for instance, having to play taxi to your kids because there’s no public transport, moving to a new area where you don’t know anyone and where the school mum cliques have already formed if your kids are in primary and are non existent if they’re in secondary.

In short, sometimes you need to look at the bigger picture, and be careful what you wish for.

Not the question OP asked but I would query whether services for autistic adults would be as good in the countryside.

Brilliant post. That's a hard agree from me!

And maybe the OPs dh knows all this but doesn't want to piss on the OPs chips!

So…..you have a child that is autistic and a husband who hates confrontation, won’t articulate his feelings, shuts down/goes silent when unhappy, and doesn’t like change.

Im sure you’ve already thought of this but it sounds like your husband could be autistic as well. It very often runs in families.

That doesn’t mean he has to get his own way, or that you have to accept his behaviour. But it does mean you might need to approach him and the issue differently in order to get what you want.

Can you think calmly about what his concerns are, how you can help him navigate those, and what kind of approach would work best for him? That will vary a lot - for my autistic sister we use lots of preparation, advance discussion, talking it through. For my autistic nephew we tell him what’s happening then let him stew over it and come back to briefly ask questions when ready. For my autistic son we tell him what’s happening with very little time to get anxious about it. So it varies loads what will work!

Fix up the place to sell. The moving part of that is crucial.

Although I am probably annoying to live with!

To be honest, I'd consider divorcing him. The reversing on an agreed major life decision without discussion, punishing you by giving you the silent treatment and not caring about the impact of his actions on you or your children would be a deal breaker for me.

My stbxh announced in early 2019 that he wanted to move from our ‘forever home’. We decided to move closer to our only child and my husbands family. Post pandemic lockdown he announced he’d changed his mind. No discussion, no apology.

From that moment it stopped being my forever home and I never thought of it again as my permanent home. For many other reasons we are splitting.

Does your husband agree/admit that the plan was to move after a few years?

Being generous about your husband, can you write down all the pros and cons, the finances, costs, benefit of lower mortgage, cost of full packing service (to lessen the stress),possible houses on right move, etc, just like a strategic work presentation.

Perhaps if he sees it in black and white, he may start to change his mind.

Or just start looking on Right move, get the kids excited and it just creates its own momentum and he gets carried along. (It does mean you will have to do all the work though).

Or say you are moving by hook or crook, and he either leaves with you or without. Either way it’s a lot of upheaval for either option.

Your heart knows what it wants and you’ll never love the house, go with the cheap windows all the way.

Would he move if you promised to take care of all the moving stress? Dealing with estate agent and so on? Would there be an area between what you want and what he wants?

Comprise with each other?

Ooh, I’d be inclined to cool it then, he’s given you the yes, that’s all you need for now. Don’t spend any more on the house then you need to and don’t get too involved in any future plans or discussions as it’s far too early to be making decisions at this point and it sounds like he retracts if you try and push him.

Saying that, I’d also shut down any murmuring about staying with a, well we’ve already agreed we’re going so there’s no point putting expensive windows in etc.

He won’t listen to you, he gets angry. He won’t do counselling. Sounds like divorce is the only next option really and he will have to sell up and move then! Don’t spend the next 20 years being desperately unhappy.

When you say he hasn't spoken to you for days, do you mean about the idea of moving, or at all?

If it's the latter, you really need to stop minimising how much of a problem this is. Grown, rational adults do NOT deal with problems by freezing others out, sulking and punishing them with the silent treatment. Either he has a mental health problem (in which case he needs to seek help) or he is an utter arsehole whom you need to think about leaving.

You have normalised this and think it is fine in a healthy marriage. It is not. Absolutely not.

This - said it way better than I did!

Yes, they are so alike.

My daughter needs time to process things and so does my husband which is why I gently raise things that might cause issues.

I knew moving again might be difficult and he might try and backtrack but I've tried to reassure him each time he's wobbled recently but this time it feels like his digging in and there is only so much I can take.