I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

After his response continue cooking. If he wants to leave let him.
He won't get help so how does he know nothing will work.
He won't compromise even when you clearly make sure the smell wasn't bad.
Why would it be your fault if he left because he won't get any help or compromise?
I'd be cooking lasagne for tea with garlic bread!

Good god.

Oh dear.

So this man who said he only had a child because OP wanted one is going to have another one he presumably doesn't really want.

What a pathetic excuse for a father tbh.

Totes this. Asafoetida, smoked garlic, bacon, Thai curry, burnt toast (for my heartburn)...

Putting it crudely, how could he bear the smell?

@CharlottenBerg

the smell of what?

Of a baby being born? Or, as I was wondering, the smell of sex maybe?

I bet he's ok with that 🙄

Bit surprised there's been no mention of being pg and therefore bringing another poor sod into this on this thread

Oh dear that's a bit sad

Or alternatively the new pregnancy is a spur for her to change things for the better

The scent of love cooking, if I can put it that way.

@CharlottenBerg

Lol, sex doesn’t smell
if you had B.O and were getting even more sweaty then yes but otherwise no

I know it's getting crude now, but there is such a thing as 'love juice' which has a sort of, well, marine scent about it, and also men can emit something quite powerful.

Yep, absolutely normal.

@CharlottenBerg

oh right! In my experience -
semen smells yes,
vagina - no

A naively thought you were discussing nappies

Why should she have to work round something so perfectly and utterly ridiculous?

@Winnipeg23

she has been trying to work out around it
he doesn’t want her to cook at all, he wants them all to live off ready meals
that’s not fair is it?

I can totally totally relate to this post!
My OH has high functioning autism and wasn't diagnosed until his 40's. Something he really really struggles with is food smells in our house, particularly if the smell was to travel upstairs, he can't sleep because it makes him feel sick when I can't even smell it.
In his previous relationships this caused soooo many arguments and he was accused of being controlling, then he got his diagnosis and started to understand himself a lot more and realised it was his problem.
He can't change how he feels about it but he accepts that I'm not going to not cook in the house. I close the kitchen and living room door, open the windows and sometimes the back door while I'm cooking to let the smell out. The odd occasion that I've forgotten, yes he gets upset about it and moans about it but it really does affect him so I don't think he's being unreasonable..I moan at him for other things that bug me around the house.
I'm currently pregnant and I literally gag every time I open the fridge (he's done this for years), I can't believe how strong it smells! Kinda have a better understanding of where he's coming from, I just couldn't smell it before.
It may not be the same situation for you and your husband OP but it just really sounded familiar to me from what my OH has told me about his past relationships. A refreshing change from the guys who just lay the blame on their crazy ex's!

My husband is a vegan I am a carnivore. Early on in our relationship I said that I would respect his views and not eat meat or cook it when he was around. This worked well. When when had children I said that I would bring them up as omnivores as this would give them informed choice and we could talk openly about our personal decions/ beliefs. Skip forward DD 21 is a omnivore and DS 16 a vegetarian. Both decided when they were around 11/12 not to eat meat when there father was around. Could you not try to find some middle ground? Maybe make certain days your kitchen nights so that your husband can choose to eat out or have a hobby night? You could also maybe find a cookery class to refine your skills and give you a foodie outlet. I would also suggest maybe a multi cooker that you could set up in the garage/ a small room that he could stay away from. Compromise is the key here. You need to find some middle ground. Oh - and if he tolerates chicken sausages, have you tried turkey mince??

So op should cook in the garage or only a few nighst a week for her pregnant self and her 2 year old?

Imho as he’s making zero effort then why should the OP? He seems to be playing for all or nothing.

I’d be digging my heels in and behaving normally in the kitchen. If he wanted to work out actual compromises I’d be all ears but frankly his problems are his.

I just want to send you a big hug @Bambambino1 , it's hard to be on the receiving end of this level of bullying and coercion...but you have made a start to escape from it so do your very, very best to keep going. xx

Stick to your guns, OP. A poor diet will cause you health problems and shorten your life - and harm your child. If your husband has zero consideration for those things, well....

Telling me no one is allowed to cook mince in this house and that he considers it a betrayal made me feel like the past 11 years of me bending over backwards to accommodate his needs, to make him feel comfortable in his house has been completely unappreciated, and almost expected!
@Bambambino1
I think you have different ideas about how things work, in your mind your relationship is a partnership and so things need to be balanced and equal; you make a concession he makes a concession in return.
In his mind it's about conquering and taking as much territory as he can, 'winner takes all', so every time you make a concession that shows him that you are weak and he can grab more power.
The more you give the more he wants ..u.nfortunately because you didn't realize this things have gone too far and it's difficult to turn around, but as said he'll be easy to get rid of he won't turn into a stalker because he's turned himself into someone who has a phobia about smells so you just need to cover yourself in bacon fat and he won't go near you.
Then again it would be interesting to see what happens if you did try to get rid of him, I think he might drop all his phobias and try to find other ways to control you?

Because it isn't ridiculous to him. And it's a heck of a lot cheaper than a divorce or both living separately.

In what other scenarios do you think Women should bow down to their controlling Husbands for an easier life rather than get a divorce?

Baby crying too much, husband doesn't like it? Keep them out his way, convert the garage for you and your child....Cheaper than getting a divorce.

Doesnt like you to see your family or friends? Dont worry, He doesnt think its ridiculous, just stop seeing your friends and family, Cheaper than getting a divorce.

Does not like you to wear make up or skirts when you go out? Dont worry just wear joggers and bare face, it will save you money in the long run and much cheaper than getting a divorce!