I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

I think after eleven years you deserve to be able to cook in your own kitchen op.

I would start doing that immediately for 3.5 fixed days a week. The other 3.5 keep it the same as now. Then it’s fair.

If he can’t cope with that then he needs to move out.

Do you have kids? Does this mean he doesn't cook nutritious food for them?

He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says

I must be such a bitch because I'd have been cooking and airing the house or burning incense (which I can't stand or scented candles which as I'm ND and it may well be another sensory issue) well before 11 years just to see if it was an issue.

Though TBH I think it would have been a deal breaker in dating phase.

How does he cope in other people's houses/bbqs etc when he has no control over what's being cooked ?

How do and why women put up with such ridiculous men

Do you own the house?

If so I would negotiate for building a separate kitchen in a stand alone area. Eg home office building iIn the garden / in the garage etc. I’m exchange for never cooking in the house.

If he thinks that’s a wonderful idea and is really supportive about spending the money I’d say his feelings are genuine. If he’s really difficult about it I’d say he’s trying to control you cooking.

@ThatFraggle we don't have a door to the kitchen unfortunately, so the smell does travel. I would agree on avoiding fish etc, but even frying things like onions would appear to be a problem!

I couldn't live like this either OP.

If this is as serious as he says, he needs to get some help.

I love coming through the door to the smell of DH's homemade curries or when I slow cook a casserole etc.

I am particular about no clothes being out when onions/garlic/bacon etc is cooked and the kitchen door is shut with the window open and the extractor fan on but I think it's pretty normal to not want laundry or your home smelling of frying etc.

I wouldn't live like this.

@Nobbies BBQs are a very good example. He's been to a few BBQs where he's got home and insisted on washing the clothes straight away becuase of the smell. And it's made him very uneasy. More recently he's started going to BBQs to see friends, but not staying for the food when the BBQ is fired up! Which is why I think it's a MH thing

We had an open plan layout last house and the smell does tend to linger more - but it does dissipate with time - I do much prefer kitchen dinner with door and corridor between it and rest of downstairs rooms - can also open patio doors and window and get a though flow.

If this really is a long term issue - maybe look at changing layout/house hunting or creating separate cooking area though mostly I think he needs to do something maybe see GP first.

Sorry but it ridiculous, food smells! Even if he's neurodivergent, he needs to get over it, pandering for 11 years is beyond a joke.

Fair enough if certain smells eg garlic or curry trigger something but all food? Decent extractor fan and he stays out of the kitchen

Gas barbecue outside kitchen if you can cover it? My brother cooks on his through the winter.

Whether it's mental health or neurodivergence, it doesn't matter: he needs to seek help & support in dealing with it. FWIW, I have an adult DS with autism & accompanying sensory issues. There is no way I would be dictated to in this manner. I have also suffered from dysphagia which has caused me great distress and anxiety around food but I wouldn't dream of dictating the rest of the family's eating or cooking habits. He's completely unreasonable and I'm afraid this would be a deal breaker for me if he wasn't prepared to seek help. He possibly feels embarrassed to talk about it with a doctor but he really must.

Personally I'd just cook and let him go for a walk, or take a bath, or call a psychologist, or whatever other strategies he chooses. It's his turn to cope for 11 years.

Even if he is not NT, that is an outrageous constraint to put on you - never to be allowed to cook anything in your own kitchen! I would leave him if you don't have kids with him. My ds is autistic and very sensitive to smells and will often complain about food smells, so he just keeps out of the kitchen when we are cooking. I understand the sensitivity to smell. I just don't understand how he thinks it's OK to restrict you in this way.

He is a controlling attention seeker.
Unacceptable to blackmail you with the phrase ""it affects my mental health"
You have, I sorry to say OP suffered Gaslighting for many years.
Just call him out on it.
Get the recipe books out and COOK.

It seems as though it is very uncomfortable for him and his home is his safe place. He tolerates the discomfort when out, but he wants a place where he can relax without tolerating discomfort.

I am similar. I am allergic to animals and I do not allow them in my home as I want my home to be a place I can relax and be comfortable. I tolerate them when out as that is the reality of a society but I want my home to be a place free from those discomforts that I have other places. My husband would love a dog but accepts that I want to be comfortable in my home.

WHen it relates to a mental or physical health issue, always being stressed and uncomfortable and not feeling well ro feeling relaxed in your home due to a trigger is a very unhealthy way to live. I get people would think I am a controlling asshole based on this thread but I want at least one place in the world free of discomfort.

You need to buy a load of lemons, half a lemon boiled on the hob gets rid of most smells.

When the smells have dissipated, go and find yourself a shit hot solicitor.

When I had chemo and radio together I could not stand the smell of burning toast took years to pass, but I would suck it up if the extractor was on full blast and we boiled a lemon on the hob, that is a relationship.

You, I am afraid live in some sort of dictatorship. He knows what he is doing full well.

Owning a pet is very different to cooking though. Pet ownership is a choice and a luxury. Cooking and eating isn’t.

Think I'd be living separately. There's no law that says you have to live together.

@Freefall212 I think you've summed it up perfectly there. I am sympathetic to all of that, and I think that's why I've found a way to middle through for 11 years. I struggle but I imagine being him is a struggle too. I guess it's just not the only sacrifice, I too would absolutely love a dog. Have wanted one my whole life. He says he can't share a house with a dog becuase of the fur and their smell. I get that, he's not alone there, I'm disappointed but it's not a deal breaker. But when you combine that with the food issues as well, I just feel like I'm making one too many compromises. In reality, I'd probably only cook twice a week because I'm busy, and also lazy 😂

This is all that needs to be said tbh.

The fact he knows he has a problem which is negatively affecting your daily life and yet does nothing about it, while demanding ridiculous things from you shows how he views you.

A longterm solution would be to install an outdoor kitchen. Short term - do you have any covered outdoor space at all? Could you buy an electric frying pan or a bbq and cook outside.

You don't have to live like this, and you shouldn't put up with it for one week longer.

If he has a mental health problem that is so serious that the smell of cooking would cause him to have a mental breakdown, then he needs to seek professional help as a matter of urgency.

He should have done this the first time he realized he had a problem. He hasn't done this because the cost to him of not doing so is zero. I suspect he is getting something out of the sense of control he has over you, too, for all these years.

Stand up to him and insist he sees a psychiatrist.

Otherwise, call his bluff, and then he'll have to see one.