I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

@Winnipeg23
it is ridiculous of him

@Winnipeg23

and if they do end up having an expensive divorce - then that will all be on him.

Or he could go and seek out some therapy for his issues. This is also cheaper than a divorce.

But then he would be subordinating himself to a woman and that would never do.

Quite @Thesharkradar

Maybe you've led a sheltered life?

The OP said she wanted bolognese. She also has a 2 year old to feed.

My post was just trying to help her, given she's not having the best of times and clearly has a desire to expand her cooking repertoire.

Yes it would be bland but some "bolognese" is surely better than no "bolognese" and is a simple starting point. It's unlikely that the 2 year old eats many onions at home right now so they won't miss them.

I note she's looking at getting a kitchen door which I'm sure will take a little time; obviously that will make life so much easier. It should also help keep the house warmer in winter by reducing draughts. I'd assumed, until now, that it was open plan.

Crude people talk about 'haddock pie'. I'm not talking about want of hygiene, or yeast etc, but normal healthy vajayjays. Isn't in Nature's way of encouraging the man with pheromones? (Ah! Google! Copulins are the subconscious key that opens the door to a man's sexual appetite. Pheromones produced by the vaginal wall. Maybe some people can't smell it like some can't smell asparagus eaters' wee?

That’s worrying. Controlling behaviour commonly escalates during pregnancy.

... isn't it Nature's way...

Her vulnerability is triggering his predatory instincts .... that's why he's attempting an extra power grab, there could also be an element of him wanting to establish the principle that his needs come first so that this is in place before the baby arrives

Just go ahead and cook. He is being an arse. Let him have his mental breakdown or whatever. He is ridiculous beyond belief.

I think, in part, it’s because the smells linger and that’s part of his issue - that the house/his clothes, etc., will continue to smell of mince long after the meal and that adds to his feelings of panic. Tbf, some smells can linger for days afterwards. Outdoor smells and eating in a restaurant/cafe is different because you know you’ll be leaving any smells there when you leave and if your clothes smell when you get home you can change/shower/burn them. [(Delete as applicable]

Regardless, OP needs to live her life and he really isn’t willing to make any kind of compromise so 🤷‍♀️

Just wanted to immortalise this brilliant comment.

@NameChangeObvsx1 I cook at least once a day in our flat, if not more, I have hardly ever knwn cooking smells to linger for days or cling to clothes. Are people not airing their houses properly or something?

The only time we get a faint lingering cooking smells is if I have fried something like sausages or fish in the evening and you may still smell it faintly in the kitchen in the morning. That said frying stuff in oil is not really a regualr occurance in our house - I tend to grill or roast meat or fish.

The OP's husband wants to prevent her carrying out a perfectly normal function that most of the planet do every day. He can jog on.

Oh he wants her to feed him grapes all day as he lies on a chaise longue. It isn't ridiculous to him, so she should do it.

@Bambambino1 Why not build an extension and he can go in it while you cook?

The thing with cooking is I think kids learn a lot of it by osmosis. I was never taught by my mum how to make a spag bol for instance. But I must've seen my parents do it enough times and seen enough stages of it that I already knew (and I'm not a natural.)

Your kids will have to learn most of it out of books/online recipes all by themselves when they leave home, won't they?

Whereas if they saw it happening it'd give them some ideas.

He's 2 and .. goes to nursery 5 days a week and gets fed incredibly well there. I appreciate that's not a solution, and I want to change things now, I just want to make it clear that he does eat well...just not necessarily by my hands! I go back to my parents one day at the weekend and cook for him there, so it really isn't that bad for my son

Just read this again, OP. You must put your son first and feed him properly yourself. You're literally relying on other people to prevent your son's health suffering from poor nutrition.

Building an outdoor kitchen will not work because OP has a 2 year old child and, if other posters are correct about her other threads, is currently pregnant. So, for example, if her toddler is sleeping in his bedroom, how is she supposed to supervise him from an outdoor kitchen?

Also, when you are pregnant, you really need to eat nutritious food to give the baby a healthy start and, just as importantly, to minimise the damage done to your own body by the pregnancy. Oven-ready meals do tend to be ultra-processed, low in natural nutrients (because of the processing) and filled with unhealthy additives.

As someone upthread pointed out, being restricted on cooking almost all normal food in one's home, falls into the same category as one were forbidden by a spouse to:
wear a skirt or makeup when going outdoors,
visit or talk to family.

ie. normal things that normal people do on a normal basis for the benefit of their health and wellbeing.

If I am cooking fish I have an air fryer in the garage.

The way I see it - this is a DH problem not a you problem. Yet you are the one who is making a sacrifice?
As it is a DH problem he is the one who has a choice. Either he seeks help or he puts up with the food smells. It’s a compromise that you open doors/windows and use air fresheners etc and not cook anything that’s OTT disgusting (as in fish etc) when he’s around.

As soon as I read you had a son that’s where I would draw the line. I’d be concerned that this could cause a similar issue for him in later life and it’s not fair for him to grow up never having home cooked meals just because of DH issues.

I have problems with food cooking smells, red meat like sausages, burgers or mince are really difficult especially if I have a migraine which makes my sensitivity worse.

I just make sure the windows and the back door are opening my my DH is cooking meat (I'm disabled so he tends to do most of the cooking)

I don't particularly enjoy it if I do catch a whiff of the smell and too much will make me feel nauseous but that's life unfortunately.

He's being selfish. Get a door to the kitchen, open a window and cook on.

im really not buying this now-took him 20 mins to say have you fried somthing-if he had that much of an adverse reaction hed be freaking out as he walked through the door

a betryal? hes lot the plot

"Then I'll move out and you can explain to our son why his dad doesn't live here anymore"

This is the heart of it. Your DH has (1) issued you with an ultimatum: either you do what I want/need or I'm leaving (2) put the burden of 'breaking up the family' on you (3) put the onus of your child's wellbeing 100% on you.

Your DH is uncaring of the consequences of his actions on you and on his child. Your DH doesn't value your son's health above his own disorder. These two alone would be enough for me. These are not the ways of a health marital relationship or parent-child relationship.

The ultimatum he has issued you with is voicing how he feels about you, your child, your relationship, your family, his disorder. He's made it very clear to you where his priorities are. Like the now-famous instance of "it wasn't the dishes that ended our relationship", it's not the smells. He left because he couldn't handle not being able to control you AND his disorder, because he couldn't / didn't want to work to put you above his disorder. You're not even worth seeking smells-therapy for.

Sometimes it takes an outsider to point it out. He's telling you all this. Believe him. This is what he thinks of you both. It's sort of sinister, as you tell it. There doesn't have to be screaming and fighting. His method of delivery seems quite civil. But the message is clear. My way or nothing and if it's nothing it's all your fault, yours and the child's.

Unbelievable.

You are pregnant. Have you not had any cravings for something nutritious these last few months? If they involved being cooked and he denied you them, I'd say that was a massive betrayal.

I could not have lived on oven ready meals when I was pregnant. I craved real food.