I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

I can't agree with this enough. I had an abusive father and a mother who stayed. And i suffered as an adult trying to reconcile the situation. I harboured a lot of resentment towards my mum for staying and allowing us to be subjected to dad's behaviour. I wish she had left.

He is being controlling, nasty and abusive to his pregnant wife. I'm baffled that you think that's an 'if' unless you haven't read all her posts?

He's told her he didn't really want their child. He's threatened to leave her for disobeying his rules. He's emotionally blackmailed her by guilt tripping about having a child 'for' her despite now agreeing to have a second one. He's refused to compromise, to seek counselling support, to discuss calmly and kindly.

He would rather his child and pregnant wife had a hugely restricted diet than proactively do anything about his issue or even reactively do anything about it when she begs him to.

That you cannot see he is already being controlling, nasty and abusive is quite worrying tbh.

@monsteramunch Have to admit I have not read every post.

In long threads like this one I try to read all the OP’s posts if I can’t face all the pages and pages of replies.

#JustASuggestion

@MavisMcMinty Yes, good idea

How are things now op?

He is setting an appalling example for his child. If he leaves, this is all on him. Not you.

I have a similar situation, but with my son (22), rather than my husband. My son has a cluster of MH issues and an eating disorder. He does have sensory issues, but his main issue is his need to control his environment, and everything in it, including me.

He prepares my meals (I do choose what I eat), does the cleaning, laundry, cooking, washing up and so on. However, he states overtly that this is not a case of helping me out, it is a fear of me making a 'mess', not putting something back exactly as it 'should' be placed, not sanitising things properly and generally disturbing the carefully controlled sanctuary of the house.

I work from home, my son's MH difficulties mean he does not work, so control can be intense.

I used to feel the right thing to do was to comply with the control. After all, I did not wish to upset my son and risk his disorders escalating. However, the control just increased, and more and more rituals crept in.

Now, we are working together on helping him to feel able to lose some of the controlling behaviour. I can make drinks in the kitchen, I can wash my own clothes and so on. The meals are a bit of a sticking point, and I think his ED is part of the problem here.

We have been trying for years for some sort of mental health support, but services seem to be few and far between. As you have said, small steps are almost certainly the way forward, but it is not easy.

That sounds hard.

If he can He prepares meals, clean, laundry, cooking, washing up - then surely he can do some kind of work - even from home or other peoples’ homes?

There is a very large difference between spending the time working together with your child (who wants to change their behaviours so that they can live with other people and have fulfilling human relationships) and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone who clearly DOESN’T want to change, has made it abundantly clear that he WON’T change and has no interest in how his needs/desires/mindfuckery control shit affect his wife, child and unborn baby. This man gives ZERO fucks.

But I don't want frying and I don't want anyone cooking mince in this house. I consider it a betrayal."

"Well I want to cook mince"

"Then I'll move out and you can explain to our son why his dad doesn't live here anymore"

Your reply should have been (and probably will, the longer he keeps this fuckery up)

'OK then, I'll tell him over a lovely, homecooked lasagne that his Dad walked out because he wanted to stop me cooking dinners like this'.

@Mirabai
Why is your focus on the son working?

Because it would help him and it would help mum.

If he can He prepares meals, clean, laundry, cooking, washing up - then surely he can do some kind of work - even from home or other peoples’ homes?

It doesn't work that way, I say that as someone with severe MH problems and unable to work for life. Some disabled people can do chores, they just have to do it at their own pace. They wouldn't be able to do that at work. Also, his 'chores' (or at least, how they're carried out) are compulsions/a control thing, they would actually distract him from working.

The pressures of work are completely different to doing a few things at home; having bosses etc.

it would help him and it would help mum.

Work doesn't help all disabled people, even with MH problems. Work can make me end up in hospital.

Really depends on the MH problems - that covers a wide range of conditions and degrees of severity, some fixable some not. And depends on the work. Now there’s so much work that can be done from home. If you’re self-employed there’s no boss to deal with.

@Mirabai Self employed people still work for people, the people employ them to do a job.

Presumably the son has been signed as unfit for work including by a doctor or consultant who is qualified, some of whom are senior and at the head of their profession- you think you know better than professionals dealing with that individual who know them. You 100% don't.

Can he not go outside/upstairs/bedroom/light a nice smelling candle/wear a mask with something nice smelling in like essential oil?

He sounds to me like he's Neurodivergent or something else is going on, I also get very very angry at bad smells (not food) but I literally have a phobia of farts (yes, I know, it's odd). But I still get by, don't try and control if people fart or not!

He needs to grow up, seriously. I know others have said that, but it's his lack of compromise that is standing out here, not the actual issue he has with food smells as a whole.

That’s an assumption, we’ve no idea.

Doctors sign people off as unfit for work only for a stated period of time.

Porridgeisbae makes some good points here. I totally agree.

Doctors sign people off as unfit for work only for a stated period of time.

I mean for instance if he were to apply for the LCWRA element of UC. A doctor might be asked about his case as evidence. A medical professional would decide whether he was fit to work. Either way they will have seen him and read about his case, so they know better than you what he's capable of/what's good for him. He could be signed off as unfit for work for years at a time.

If he hasn't got round to all that, he probably could if he wanted.

My doctor helped me get my student loan written off on medical grounds. He did write that I was unlikely to work ever.

While my uncle was waiting to get his UC sorted, yes his doctor signed him off for a month or two. Then they just refreshed it, and refreshed it, and refreshed it, without having to see him. He has a degenerative spinal condition and isn't going to get any better.

A medical professional wouldn’t “decide” whether he was fit for work. If he was willing, the medic could write a letter detailing the young man’s health problems, in support of his claim. That letter would be submitted as supporting evidence with the UC50 form. But it’s for the DWP to decide he scores sufficient points to qualify as limited capacity for work. In practice, medics don’t like getting involved DWP claims.

It’s unusual that a doctor would be able to help someone get a student loan written off. But that’s a one off. Capacity for work is reassessed regularly, it’s up to the DWP to decide how regularly.

With UC you can only submit 2 sick notes, after that you have to fill out the UC50 form - from which you may get an award of a year or two (more for severe disabilities) which will then be reassessed. So either uncle did that (Citizens advice can do the form for you ) or he went onto standard UC rate.

Capacity for work is reassessed regularly, it’s up to the DWP to decide how regularly.

Yes and it can be years/decades. As I have bipolar, they tend to pretty much just rubber stamp mine.

It’s never done for decades now. Lifelong disabled as opposed to ill claimants used to be able to get lifetime awards. But even those now are reassessed.

Many people with bipolar can work and are working. So it won’t be rubber stamped on the basis of the type of illness, but on the severity and prognosis. Even then - nothing is rubber stamped any more. Cancer patients are still passed as fit for work, such is the wisdom of the system.

@Mirabai You're talking to someone who is actually claiming these things and has done through their various incarnations, since 2002

But anyway, I don't want to derail the thread.

How're you doing now @Bambambino1 ?