I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

I forgot about that gem!

Such a healthy marriage.......

The issue is not the food. Or how to prevent smells.
The issue is that he is limiting her life to the extent that he is, and then threatening to leave when she cooks a bloody stir fry (which she really enjoyed.) Because it's "a betrayal."
Big red flag.
He's controlling and manipulative and abusive and teaching her to tip toe around him and his special needs in her own house.
It's not a good environment for a child. And it's not a good environment for her.
It's extremely unhealthy and restricted.
And he is refusing to seek help, so what does she do?

Jeez reading your update op, he really thinks the world revolves him, doesn't he. The sooner he leaves the sooner you can lead a normal life. I'd be packing his bags and having a massive fry up to celebrate.

Your dander is certainly up about this...but I am old and have no energy for your fervor. Die on your hill if you must...just hope no one you love ever needs you to bend for them. It is a difficult situation with no real answer. OP is the only one who knows her situation. We all suck for assuming anything. Tear my comment apart. I am going to sleep. If I remember I might catch up in the a.m. 😉

So after reading the OP‘s posts (including the one where he says although he loves DS now he’s here he only agreed to have a child as a compromise for the OP) you have concluded that this is a healthy marriage?

God help you.

That was my first thought too, some kind of neurodivergency.

No one is tearing you apart, we just don’t agree with you. It’s a thing that happens sometimes on online forums.

He refuses to get help. I don’t see that as a sex issue. A woman who refuses to get help and expects everyone to pander to them would be every bit as intolerable as this man.

This is telling you that it’s nothing to do with mental health. This is control.

He had no idea you’d cooked.

Tell him to go.

*But I am sure it isn't worth ruining an otherwise healthy marriage over"

This is not at all an "otherwise healthy" marriage. Expecting the OP to make all the sacrifices to pander to his foibles is extremely dysfunctional.

I feel sorry for you that your bar is so low that you think this is what a marriage should look like. And I am no longer young either.

Sounds like you need that sleep.

@MamaKas the op fried a meal for herself, just once for the first time in years, while husband was out, with hours and hours for the smell to dissipate. That is compromise. The husband responded by threatening divorce and saying she’d betrayed him.

She’s been bending over backwards for him for years and he is the one who won’t consider a compromise!

Pack him a suitcase and tell him you agree with him that he should leave. Tell your son (gently) that his dad is unwell and will not be living at home at the moment. This man regardless of what is causing his issues, is unlikeable and selfish. He’s not a good husband or father.

@MamaKas

this

If it was me (I know this is terribly unreasonable!), I'd be getting out the frying pan and whacking in some chopped onions, garlic, green pepper, decent minced mutton, a healthy dash of Tabasco, and try to push him right over the edge. Also boil some boiled long grain white rice. YUM! Rinse and repeat till he cracks up. You get the idea? Push it to the limit.

Seriously OP, this marriage is over.

I have huge sympathy for people with mental health issues, and as someone who really struggled with misophonia when i was younger, i uderstand that his problem is vey real. But there are two other people in this family who are being massively affected, and if he refuses to do anything to accommodate them (while insisting that his needs are accommodated) you do not have a functioning and healthy relationship.

You and your child have to come first. And you never will do unless you end this marriage.

Yep.

The mince thing would be understandable-ish if he were actually willing to compromise at all. Like if he were to say, I really cannot bear mince in our house and I just need you to be on board with that if this is going to work, but I coped ok with the pork initially so I accept that's fine from now on. There'd be something to work with there. But that's not what's happening. It's about control.

Is it just food smells in his home? Because life smells - everything and everyone creates smells all the time. Just going to work today (walking and on the bus) I have smelt - cut grass, wet earth, coffee, exhaust fumes, bins, perfume, stale beer, skunk.

Is there some reason why food triggers this issue? Or does he walk around in a constant state of agitation?

@MamaKas this is the hill that he has chosen to die on though isn’t it? He’s the one who has said he’ll leave if she cooks mince. Just take a moment to consider how utterly ridiculous that sounds.

I was so happy to read you’d cooked yourself something good, OP.

But my god, the tantrum from your husband is outrageous! I can’t imagine living with that.

You hit the nail on the head OP.

He expects it.

Zero appreciation.

I would be so resentful after a week with this bloke that I would be breaking out the stinkiest cheeses and frying Buffalo chicken wings until he packed his bags and left.

"There's no point getting help there's nothing anyone can do, it is what it is."

OP - Look up Sensory Processing Disorder. And yes, there is plenty that can be done.

He's a complete wanker and I'd tell him that he's welcome to move out if he feels that way. You'll be happy to tell DC as they get older that their Dad moved out because he didn't want to allow them to have a varied and healthy diet.

Your poor child.

8 years of this with a controlling selfish man child and you thought it was a good idea to inflict him and his selfishness on a poor child.

Help him pack if you care for the poor child in all of this.

Even better than that, the OP is pregnant right now according to her other thread. That's another poor mite being brought into this.