I can't cook in my own home

[Bambambino1]

I am sympathetic to my DH here but, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just keen to hear what others think about this and how you'd handle it.

Bit of background, my DH hates all food smells. Is stresses him out just thinking about it. I think more so than normal people (you know what I mean). On that basis, we pretty much only have oven cooked meals and pretty much the same thing most nights. He likes to eat a lot of fruit and veg separately to his main meals, but I'm not personally very good at that (so I'm almost certainly not getting the nutrients I need!)

We've been together 11 years. So for 11 years now I've pretty much not been able to do anything at all that involves frying food or cooking anything that smells bad. I've suggested an air fryer but apparently that makes the house smell. Slow cooker definitely a no-go on that basis. I can put a pizza in the oven, but not really make anything from scratch! He's basically in charge in the kitchen.

To clarify, this isn't a control thing on his part. He's just insistent that food smells will give him a mental breakdown, and he says this is linked to his mental health. I don't believe it's as bad as he says (maybe that's unreasonable of me), I just think he's almost convinced himself of it. We've argued today because I want to cook something tomorrow when he's in the office. He got very worked up about this because of how the house will smell. I said he can open windows, use the extractor fan, burn incense...I don't care what we do, I just want to cook something!!

Just, I don't want to go though my whole life not using my kitchen and cooking anything ever?!

I was just planning on cooking tomorrow when he was out anyway, and see how he copes when he gets home. Is that wrong?

Sorry, I do appreciate how this sounds but it's a genuine problem!

Your husband needs to grow up.

How on earth does he cope when you go out ?

Sounds like sensory issues. Is he neurodivergent?

I couldn’t live like that.

Even if he is it's unreasonable to control what his partner makes.

But tbh, at the dating stage this would have been a deal-breaker.

OP, your DH’s reaction to food smells is extreme and suggests he may have a form of sensory processing disorder. I would look into getting some MH support for him to manage this. Given how extreme his reaction is I don’t believe other measures will resolve this. Good luck with getting the right support.

@Nobbies we're very particular about where we go and the sort of food being served! But yes places do obviously smell and it does bother him, but it's not his home soooo for some reason that's okay

I’ve used my slow cooker outside on a few occasions. just plug it in to an outdoor outlet or run an extension cord.
I have two friends that have an extra stove in the garage.

I love pottering in my kitchen and cooking things that (to me) smell yummy. I'd go nuts if I couldn't go and play!

He's being absolutely ridiculous and incredibly self-absorbed and selfish.

@Hodgewell1 I think you are right in what you say, but he won't get help 😔 I do try. But because I do believe it is linked to MH, I feel I may be being unreasonable in trying to cook something. I just want to see if it really will smell as bad as he thinks, otherwise I could be restricting myself for my whole life for no real reason

It's the fact that he isn't prepared to try and do a single thing to improve this for you and your relationship that I find the most telling.

He just expects you to curtail your life (and food and cooking can be a lovely part of life!!) 100% in his favour. That's not a partnership.

I honestly don't think I could live with this.

Why you have put up with this controlling nonsense for 11 years is absolutely beyond me.

Did this not come up while dating? This would be a deal breaker for me very early on.

I sympathise with him if he's ND, which it sounds like he is, but I couldn't live with someone who was weird about food or cooking. And you've just... Ignored it for 11 years? I think the time to do something about this was probably 11 years ago.

Realistically he needs professional help.

I couldn't live like that I'm afraid. I can empathise a bit as when I was pregnant the smell of any food cooking used to make me so ill. However the rest of the household had to eat so I just had to deal with it.

You can't be expected not to cook!

^^ this!

If he isn't willing to try and get some help, then he cannot expect you to deprive yourself of decent food. That is ridiculous.

Just get on and cook when he is out. Summer is coming. If he doesn't like it he can sit in the garden while any cooking smells clear.

Just out of sheer nosiness, what do yous eat most days?

I do think this is not usual , so - if he has a problem ( as PPs have said ) maybe he needs to work out what it is and see if there is any way to address it.

Personally I would not go through life not being able to cook anything. I would have to get to the root of the problem. Of course I would be supportive and sympathetic - but a flat No would not work for me. It sounds like he / between you need to work it out and see if there can be a compromise.

I hope you can

@Aquamarine1029 yeah I did expect some people to say this 😂 I mean, I'm a terrible cook and there have been many occasions I've really not minded at all. And then other times I've really wanted to explore a bit, and then it has resulted in arguments! I don't know how but we've managed to find our way through. I guess cooking has never been a big part of my life, even before him, so it was a sacrifice I was prepared to make (he wasn't nearly as bad 11 years ago, it's got progressively worse over the years). But now, I really feel like I'm missing out and want the freedom! I do get how it seems to people, we have a wonderful relationship in other ways and becuase I believe it's liked to MH, I've tried to be sympathetic

Totally unacceptable, and that level of controlling would be a deal-breaker for me no matter what his excuses for it.

It's also illogical - real food made in the oven, like a roast, smells at ieast as much! Are you really saying that your h restricts you to warming up junk food?

Maybe just compromise on he doesn't get to enter the kitchen, and you put in a top of the range exhaust fan - one of the really expensive supersilent ones that you can actually use in day to day life ( I hardly ever use mine - can't even understand the news when the damn thing is on it's so loud, and I'm open plan.)

I would look into getting some MH support for him to manage this

No. The OP can tell dh she wants him to seek support, but it's not on the OP to look into doing this. This is wholly the Dh Problem to fix.

If he won't seek help or diagnosis, frankly all bets are off. He won't adjust, why on earth should you.

I wouldn't have gone out with him but you did so it wouldn't be fried fish curry with eggs. But I would cook normally.

Can he handle strong smells otherwise? Because a bit of Vicks under the nose is what I do for the smells that come with my job.

Is it an open plan lounge with the kitchen right there?

If you can close the kitchen door, I think a reasonable compromise would be. 1. Open windows or 2. Extractor fan while cooking. 3. No things known for strong smells like curry/ fish. 4. Kitchen door closed while cooking.