to wonder why parents feel they don't need to financially help their kids after a certain age because they must ‘struggle like we did’ ?

[whatistuesday]

I understand some people literally cannot do this but many can, even if it means a detriment to their own life, for instance one less holiday, a cheaper car etc etc.

But I do not understand why those who can, don’t. People who moan about supporting kids through university, making them take (full) loans that take so long to pay back, making them move out before they’ve had chance to save, charging them rent… the list goes on. The argument always seems to be that the DD or DS needs to learn the value of money or stand on their own two feet… of course, but does that mean you, as a parent, have no responsibility when they turn 18? Are they supposed to magically have money to start out? Even renting you need a deposit, let alone the idea of saving for a mortgage. There’s this idea that ‘well if i suffered, you must too.’ It’s your child!

For context I have had help from my parents but also know they could have done more. I now have dc and would do everything possible to ensure they were financially comfortable as a young adult. And no… I’m not bringing up brats, I work hard and will expect them to, too. But I also don’t want them to launch into debt to get started in life, because I think I deserve a nice holiday or a new car or to order what I want in my weekly shop. I will always make sacrifices where needed, it won’t suddenly end at 18.

My parents always said they wanted to see me enjoy the inheritance whilst they were still alive. They didn't give me a huge amount of money but enough to get me on the property ladder when I was starting out. I will do everything I can to help my children (and not the tax man).

@Beenalongwinter theyve told me. Retired GPs, pensions £60k or so each.
I don’t begrudge them but they have benefitted from an amazing pension, huge house price increase, enormous inheritance. I just like to think if I was in that position and my kids were struggling like we are despite working very hard I would help out 🤷🏼‍♀️

So @Quveas have you got fuck all now? Probably not

@DoNotWorryBeHappy

I am staggered that any adult would sit back and see their parent remortgaging their own home and paying a mortgage until they are 80, so they could buy a home
He could just buy a one bed for a lower cost then he wouldn't need a second bedroom for a lodger to help with costs.

My son is 20 and works full time. He pays me rent and is saving for a house deposit. I’m certainly not paying for everything.

I agree with you OP

The 'I suffered and if you don't then you'll never learn the value of money' always makes me think less of the parent to be honest.
Why would any knowingly and willingly want to make their children struggle financially in early adulthood? (Assuming no back story)

What's so difficult these days for young people is if they don't have help they are often left behind. There is huge inequality because of wage stagnation & high house prices.

Your wages will rise as your careers progress and your expenses will decrease as your responsibilities reduce.

Err have you seen what's happened to wages over the last 15 or so years?

I agree with you op. We are certainly not well off but I recognise that young people have it much harder in terms of house prices, pensions, cost of living. And quite frankly I love them and therefore if I can help them out I actually want to.

I will also add that I’m immensely proud of the way my kids have grown up with a great work ethic and sense of their own responsibility. They don’t feel entitled to anything but if I can help I will.

I don’t disagree with OP, you may need a hard hat I liked that from a previous person!
Working in a shop taught me valuable social skills and etiquette, skills that would be handy for some now (not their fault, under 18 it’s VERY hard to get retail / any paid work).

I worked some afternoons every week and weekends. I also had a lot of homework, I was perpetually exhausted.

A Saturday job would have done this fine, but midweek I think was too much (my own choice to work, as I needed some money). A Saturday alone would have been the ideal balance.
Midweek I should have spent more time doing my homework / revision so I wasn’t up till midnight and too exhausted to revise to what I should have been, and possibly better grades in places. I hold no grudge, again my own choice.
I think a little does no harm, but too much can be counter productive.
I won’t be pushing my own DCs into work, if they choose this it will teach them valuable social skills and I will ensure a limit until they have finished their studies. I will pay them maybe to wash the cars etc instead or alongside.

I remember going to a parents day before dc started uni and the lecturer saying how important it was for students to get a part time job, any job, just to show future employers they are employable and have gained skills through working.
Greggs and tesco do either 4 hours or 8 hours contracts, they don't need to do loads, just enough for their cv to show they worked.

It's financially a better option in some cases. May reduce inheritance tax for example, and allows better property investments.

I think of my family a bit like a business I suppose - we are one financial unit in some ways. Part of the business cross subsidises the other, loans can be taken out from collateral to support another part, profit against loss to pay less tax overall etc.

It's about affordability and planning. Mortgages are a tool, on a 5 year fix with a review then to adjust, downsize, etc. Money taken out of my estate to help my son now will ease his financial situation, no need to wait for me to die - he can benefit now and that gives 5me joy. It's a compromise, I don't need to spend that money on luxury goods and holidays, but he would like a secure home. Of course this option is not for everyone. I live frugally with a modest income and my life won't be significantly impacted, although it is a substantial mortgage.
Accounting for the comparative costs of a 1 or 2 bed and the amortisation of purchase costs and taxes over 5 years, the 2 bed works well for us with a flatmate around 9 months per year. It will be a nicer flat in a nicer area, better WFH environment.
With no expectation of inheritance for me or my DH, and never any financial help from family, my life plans have evolved to wish to use my financial leverage to help my son to get started, after his several years of renting (uncertain, expensive and restrictive). My point in sharing was to highlight this as an option for those for whom it could be a possibility, and also to express my own disbelief at parents who are in receipt of significant inheritances/high incomes yet ignore the plight of their children from the deck of yet another expensive cruise ship.

I can’t imagine expecting my parents to have a mortgage until they are 80 to help finance me

Why not? What difference does it make if it's all family money anyway.

If you want to make poor financial decisions while your parents are offering a way to save family money, go ahead.

If I thought I actually could remortgage in my 80s (unlikely to be a good deal I'd have thought) I'd do it rather than see my estate go on carehome fees or inheritance tax.

As it is, I plan on giving it all away by 70 and paying the kids rent instead, possibly via a trust.

You can't take it with you. Why die at 80 and leave a big tax bill?

I agree, I feel like most of my 20s was wasted because I had too little money to do anything. I really struggled to find a job that paid enough to live on and I was renting in a different part of the country so I think partly my parents didn't realise how difficult it was. But I would never let my children struggle like that and waste so many years of their lives just trying to get by.

We have the "teach a man to fish, not give a man a fish" philosophy. We've always done whatever it takes to put our son in the best possible position to be a successful and competent adult.

That's started from the earliest of ages when we taught him to read, write and basic numbers before he started school so he'd be "ready to learn" when he got there. We've supported him throughout school, not by doing his homework for him nor packing his rucksack, but by ensuring he had all the resources he needed, somewhere to study, access to study books and internet etc. We've always shown an interest in his education, asking him what topics he was studying, looking in his exercise books to see the standard of his work, always attending parent's evenings and other school events. We helped him set up revision timetables and bought him revision materials for his GCSEs and A Levels. Helped him choose a Uni course and Uni, went with him to several Uni open days, discussed future career paths, etc., all paid for by us of course. During Uni, we've paid half his rent and other costs so he didn't have to take out full student loans (interest rate is crippling on them).

We wanted him to be independent, so paid for his driving lessons from his 17th birthday and also took him out practising in our car, enabling him to pass within 3 months of starting, put him on our insurance policies so he could build up his own no-claims discount, encouraged him to drive our cars regularly when he's home from Uni to keep up experience etc ready for when he starts a job and gets his own car.

Over the past few months, we've supported him through his job application processes, including taking him to interviews hundreds of miles away (which we paid for, both fuel and hotels). He's secured a good job (excellent prospects but low-average starting wage) in a different city where he'll need a car and need to rent a flat - we'll be paying his flat deposit and buying him a used car to get him started there, plus setting him up with whatever furniture he needs, a desk/computer for further study/exams, etc., depending on rental costs, we may have to support him maybe 50-50 on his rent for the first year or so.

But that's it basically. It's over to him once he starts. We're not paying towards holidays or weddings or hobbies or food, fuel, clothes, etc. We think our job as parents is over - we've got him to the stage where he has excellent qualifications a job with excellent prospects, help him start out with a flat and car. We've "taught him to fish" as it were and now it's up to him. Obviously, we'll "help" if he needs help in the future for whatever unforeseen reason, but it will be for essentials, not "lifestyle". We've put him into a position where he can fly as an adult and now it's down to him.

You sound like you've done a great job, and pretty much all the things the op talks about that parents might do to support their kids. The reward is seeing them flourish. Fantastic!

I bet once you have grandkids you start it all over again, if you can afford it, with trust fund contributions etc.

@ArcticSkewer

You sound like you've done a great job, and pretty much all the things the op talks about that parents might do to support their kids. The reward is seeing them flourish. Fantastic! I bet once you have grandkids you start it all over again, if you can afford it, with trust fund contributions etc.

Well, we've tried our best as neither of us were helped and we didn't reach our full potential and had to work hard to get where we are the hard way. We both left school with no qualifications (in my case because of severe bullying, in OH's case because parents were in the military and constantly moved around, so no steady education in one school, or even in one country!). So we both had to do I and A levels by self study/evening classes alongside full time low paid work. That's why we were massively "over-invested" in our son's education so that he could flourish without limitations/restrictions.

As for grandkids, sadly unlikely as we both suffer life limiting health conditions, which is why we want to see our son set up for adult life whilst we can see it! We'll be consulting a solicitor about our wills this Summer to put trusts in place for any potential grandchildren, whether we live long enough to see them or not! Highly unlikely our son will need all of our inheritance once he's qualified and established in his new job as he'll be a very high earner in his own right.

@ArcticSkewer because I wouldn't want an 80 year old having to pay a mortgage, when they could be spending the money on themselves. I want parents to be able to enjoy retirement not having to limit what they can do, so I could have a nicer flat

It's the spirit with which it's done though isn't it.

Not giving your handouts as you want them to stand on their own two feet...great. I really admire the Beckhams making their kids get jobs at teens. My dd has a job too at 14.

Actually sneering at your kids because you had to struggle to( like my family)= unpleasant.

too*

I assume you are taking advice on your plans as it’s increasingly complex.
There are rules around deprivation of capital if you then need support for care home fees.

Similarly some trusts have upfront inheritance tax charge and the 10 yearly charge too.
It’s something we will probably consider but I will be speaking to an advisor if we do.

In the cases being discussed here though, it's just a sensible redistribution of assets. What difference does it make if you or they are paying a mortgage if they can afford it and it's a more sensible financial decision?

Mortgages aren't stressful for people with large assets - they are, or can be, sensible investment decisions

Surely your level of income also impacts whether mortgage payments are stressful or not