to wonder why parents feel they don't need to financially help their kids after a certain age because they must ‘struggle like we did’ ?

[whatistuesday]

I understand some people literally cannot do this but many can, even if it means a detriment to their own life, for instance one less holiday, a cheaper car etc etc.

But I do not understand why those who can, don’t. People who moan about supporting kids through university, making them take (full) loans that take so long to pay back, making them move out before they’ve had chance to save, charging them rent… the list goes on. The argument always seems to be that the DD or DS needs to learn the value of money or stand on their own two feet… of course, but does that mean you, as a parent, have no responsibility when they turn 18? Are they supposed to magically have money to start out? Even renting you need a deposit, let alone the idea of saving for a mortgage. There’s this idea that ‘well if i suffered, you must too.’ It’s your child!

For context I have had help from my parents but also know they could have done more. I now have dc and would do everything possible to ensure they were financially comfortable as a young adult. And no… I’m not bringing up brats, I work hard and will expect them to, too. But I also don’t want them to launch into debt to get started in life, because I think I deserve a nice holiday or a new car or to order what I want in my weekly shop. I will always make sacrifices where needed, it won’t suddenly end at 18.

Simplistic bullshit

Moving out isnt even an entitlement. In many cultures people live with their family for years with intergenerational living
I can't imagine how awful that would be 🤯

Well, I could have a brand new Mustang in my driveway..

But I'd rather my children have their mortgage deposits. They'll have them, and inherit well when we die - although I'm 32 so they've a good while to wait for that, hopefully.

I don't want to be the goose that sits on the golden egg though, so I try to make sure we have amazing holidays.

Trying hard not to bring up brats though. That's the last thing I want.

It isn't bullshit.

If your kids can't find a job that pays well, they could move to where the work is. Lots of people do it, some even move to other countries.

A grown adult, taking their parents money is mildly pathetic.

"But they can't afford to save a deposit, even on a graduate salary"

If their Degree can't even get them a well paid job, why did they bother with it in the first place?

Uni was clearly a waste of time.

An adult who takes money from their parents demonstrably cannot live independently. In other words, they aren't mature enough to fend for themselves out in the real world. That's the parents fault. They failed at the first hurdle. The people who built the rocket are the ones responsible for any failure to launch.

To me it's probably quite simple. If your kid is a good one and needs something, you should help to the extent you can. At any age.

Doesn't mean funding their lifestyle, absolutely not. For me it might mean helping with a deposit, contributing to a wedding, treating them to a weekend away for their 30th, having the kids if/when available. Others might be able to do less, or more.

I think there's an element of what you're able to do, and also what the kids themselves deserve. If they are lazy/irresponsible I'd be inclined to do very little. It's pointless. If they're hardworking, responsible and generous, I know I'll WANT to indulge more.

I know hard-working adults struggling to rent in a crap area while mortgage-free retired parents in the affluent bit watch on. At the other extreme I've seen lazy losers get more parental help than MOST, while doing nothing to help themselves, or reward their parents with any sense of satisfaction or pride. Neither is normal to me.

Oh yes silly me.... humans are just the same as rockets aren't they 🤣

I don't expect handouts but I hate the extreme pride in their income coupled with the 'we had it hard' for a few years rhetoric.

When I inherit their photos from the many cruises - £40k going round the world plus a serious three weeks every year along with short breaks. - I 'm going to burn them. I don't find the acronym skiing spending the kids inheritance, as funny as they do when we were on long weekends away, once a year in the UK. I even more angry that I invited them to two of those precious weekends because they didn't see much of the grand kids and then they moaned all the time.

Never similar feeling here. The pp who said they'd buy the odd meal out or a weekend away does at least demonstrate some generosity. Its the rolling in it and yet not sharing a penny when kids aren't ever going to be in the same income bracket that I find so hard to get my head around at the moment.

I Will help my kids as much as I can when I can. I am from a culture where it’s almost unheard of to charge kids rent. It’s also a culture that largely values education and hard work. I have no intention of changing things and hopefully my kids will feel the same when they have kids of their own.

I had family help with a deposit and work hard. 25 years and counting since my last sick day as a public sector full time worker! I might feel differently if my kids grow up to be lazy layabouts ;-)

Where does a small amount of assistanceend?

"Well you paid for Uni, all I'm asking for is a few thousand to buy a car"

"Well you paid for Uni and my car, all I'm asking for is 50k for a deposit on a house"

"Well you paid for my deposit, can't you just pay a few months mortgage for us so we can go on holiday"

It's just like giving to a beggar, it doesn't help them in the long term, just enables them to continue doing what they have become accustomed to doing.

Thankfully I'll never view helping my children as giving to beggars. What a strange outlook. I can't imagine thinking "DC, I know I COULD support you and help you be in a good position long term and help you as you move to independence... But nahh I won't because showing you any financial generosity is just like giving to beggars. You should struggle."

The examples you give have nothing to do with helping your children. They're examples of poor attitudes and entitlement.

An adult child with a sense of entitlement is not the same as parents choosing to help and support their children within their means.

Some of my friends have had vastly more financial help from their parents than I did, but they aren't entitled. In fact they're very aware that they're in a fortunate position and are now seeking to have the same culture in their own families and towards their own children.

I always helped mine, still would and still do a bit but not really needed now. I am pleased to have raised a hard-working child who is, discreetly, a good help to others in need and who I have no doubt would help me financially if necessary (God forbid).

When I was a young, married woman, before and for years after having a child, I could have done with parental help; I should say 'we', including my husband in that. We were often in dire straits :-). My mother used to bung me a few quid every now and then which was very much appreciated but she wasn't well off. My inlaws would sometimes pay for things for our son but they were of the belief that we should be able to manage. They were good in other ways, I'm not complaining, and eventually we inherited from them.

However, I was always determined that any children of mine would be helped by us financially, at the same time encouraging them to work towards a career and be reasonably sensible as they got older.

If by "struggle" you mean "learn to budget, learn to save and/or work for what you want and learn that sometimes you need to do without or make choices" then I'm all for mine struggling a bit tbh

I think it depends what your aspiration is. Mine has always been to be a homeowner and get off the stressful career ladder as soon as possible. So I've chosen to progress (in the South East where houses arent cheap) with the stress that comes with management in order to pay off the mortgage and start some investments. Plenty of people do apprenticeships and build a career on trades and these jobs are everywhere. I think parental support comes in many formats, not just supporting uni for the sake of it. My cousin has started working with his dad in his building company and is doing an apprenticeship. If he does as well as his dad he will have his own company and earn well but it wont be a "status" job. He has been gifted driving lessons and a car so that he can do his apprenticeship but I expect once he is working full time he will be expected to pay rent. Had he gone to uni they would likely have supported him well financially, but he wont be getting a cash equivalent to 3 years if uni.

If by "struggle" you mean "learn to budget, learn to save and/or work for what you want and learn that sometimes you need to do without or make choices" then I'm all for mine struggling a bit tbh
Why would helping a child out in early adulthood not be compatible with teaching budgeting and saving etc?

Hypothetical situation and two responses.

Child's graduated from university, is 21, has worked hard for 3 years, is ready to fly the nest and has got themselves a good job that will offer progression long term. They're now looking at moving out to their own place.

Parent 1: "well done, but don't expect anything else from me. If you wanted a car you should have done extra shifts during your final year at university. I'm not giving you a deposit on a car or offering to loan you the money for your insurance. It's like giving to beggars. You'll only want a house deposit next. Nope not a chance. You need to find an area, however crummy, to rent in so you can pay your flat deposit, but don't expect help from me. You better find that cash. And if you're living at home, expect that I'll be also taking cash off you for living here. You're an adult now. So you can live here, pay me money and I don't care if that means it's 2 or 3 busses in each direction because you chose the job and I don't care if you don't want to spend hours each day commuting. Sure I have the means to help you, but I'd rather you spent months giving me money living at home, spending hours commuting on busses trying work and save up a deposit for a crap flat in a crap area. That's going to teach you to budget and teach the value of money. You'll thank me later"

Parent 2: "well done. You've worked really hard and I'm so proud you've got a good job with prospects. I know you can budget and do research so how about you have a look at transport options and some flat locations and then we'll go through them together and make a plan to get you on your feet. Chip in to the food shops whilst you're at home and don't take the piss out of our help. Right, it looks like your best option is living here but a car would be much easier and more reliable. Obviously we aren't bankrolling you for life, but it's a big move setting up your own home so how about we find a decent finance plan for you, we'll loan you a small deposit and you can pay us back over the year. We'll happily pay your insurance this year whilst you get established because we can and we appreciated a bit of help when we started out".

Does parent 1 seriously think their "I struggled too, you need to struggle, school of hard knock" mentality is actually going to teach their child anything?