to wonder why parents feel they don't need to financially help their kids after a certain age because they must ‘struggle like we did’ ?

[whatistuesday]

I understand some people literally cannot do this but many can, even if it means a detriment to their own life, for instance one less holiday, a cheaper car etc etc.

But I do not understand why those who can, don’t. People who moan about supporting kids through university, making them take (full) loans that take so long to pay back, making them move out before they’ve had chance to save, charging them rent… the list goes on. The argument always seems to be that the DD or DS needs to learn the value of money or stand on their own two feet… of course, but does that mean you, as a parent, have no responsibility when they turn 18? Are they supposed to magically have money to start out? Even renting you need a deposit, let alone the idea of saving for a mortgage. There’s this idea that ‘well if i suffered, you must too.’ It’s your child!

For context I have had help from my parents but also know they could have done more. I now have dc and would do everything possible to ensure they were financially comfortable as a young adult. And no… I’m not bringing up brats, I work hard and will expect them to, too. But I also don’t want them to launch into debt to get started in life, because I think I deserve a nice holiday or a new car or to order what I want in my weekly shop. I will always make sacrifices where needed, it won’t suddenly end at 18.

We like to treat and spoil dc but don't want to necessarily become a regular help with bills but wouldn't see them suffer either. We pay if we go out for meals, drinks, days out, take them on holiday etc. They never ask for any of it but we intend to carry on and spend most of our money before we get really old and it won't be as useful to any of us.

What is this? Grabby kids week? This is the second thread today.

Elderly parents need to save for retirement and care homes - they cost thousands a month. Stand on your own two feet and be grateful for any help you are given.

My mother is firmly in the ‘I struggled so you can too’ camp. Post Covid lockdowns I came crazy close to defaulting on my mortgage. Each month was hand to mouth, stressful and scary.

My mother sat there with over £400k un-touched in a bog standard high street bank account (this is the money from when her parents - my grandparents - died) and blank faced me when I mentioned the problems lockdown caused on my business. I wasn’t asking for money but thought she’d offer but nope.

I agree OP. I think exactly like you but lots of people on MN believe they should charge their children rent! 😥For starters, children didn’t even ask to be born…

I'm 43 and my parents help me out if I need it because they can afford it and they love me.

I will do the same for my children.

I swear some people hate their kids.

I agree OP. The loathsome attitude of when can I start charging them rent from people that don't actually need to . I agree that people that are in the position to help should help.

I agree with you. Why would you need support for your children’s university choice? No wonder our youngsters are anxious when I dip into some of those threads and see the level of fretting from their parents. I believe it gives one confidence and a sense of achievement if they work it out themselves. I didn’t go to uni young but my DH did. Parents then wouldn’t dream of touring the unis with their children-it was the student’s choice. I took my kids-but are they any happier than my young dh and his friends? With post grads and jobs-happy to give my thoughts but it’s their choice.
Financially, I’m happy to help with big purchases. I grew up poor and was orphaned in my teens so had to be self sufficient. For such a young person now, I think it would be extremely hard-so am happy my kids don’t have to experience that. But the experience did show me I was quite resilient and had agency over my life. And I want that for my kids. So I’ll help-but they have been taught that they’ll be happier if they work hard, are productive and take pride in forging their career. And managing their money is an essential life skill. My friends kids are a mixed bag-some are very privileged but have still had to work for things-no completely free cars etc, and some have dropped out of normal life-no job, no education but they know their parents will fund their lifestyle. So I think it’s a balance really-who wants to raise entitled freeloaders?

I completely agree. My parents didn't help me as such but they didn't need to as houses were cheap.

I will help our DCs with a large house deposit and any excess income we have will be invested for their future. I'm already investing in JSIPPs for them.

In fact I'd rather have fewer holidays and give the money to DCs.

It is a balance. We could give DS1 more money at Uni but I want him to think about what he spends. He is sensible and independent. We could have funded him fully but he gets the minimum loan and we top him up. If he reaches the point we’re he needs to start repaying it then we will help him out. I don’t think constantly bailing out your DC is good. They need to take some responsibility for their own lives. What we provide at the moment is the safety net.

People who moan about supporting kids through university, making them take (full) loans that take so long to pay back

@whatistuesday - Doesn't happen. Ever. Because the size of the loan a student is elegible for depends on the parents' income. I couldn't 'make' DS take a full loan because he's only eligible for the roughly £4.5K loan. We have to find the rest.

It's not "hey, help yourself to a big loan" for university, you know.

"I agree with you. Why would you need support for your children’s university choice? No wonder our youngsters are anxious when I dip into some of those threads and see the level of fretting from their parents. I believe it gives one confidence and a sense of achievement if they work it out themselves. I didn’t go to uni young but my DH did. Parents then wouldn’t dream of touring the unis with their children-it was the student’s choice. I took my kids-but are they any happier than my young dh and his friends? With post grads and jobs-happy to give my thoughts but it’s their choice."

Wholeheartedly agree. It's almost like some kids can't do anything without parental involvement. My eldest is looking to leave school at the summer - he's in 5th year. He knew I would support his choice as long as he either had a job or college course lined up. He found a couple of courses (with help from his guidance teacher). Applied for them himself, and when he was offered an interview, arranged all of that himself. Time off school, travel arrangements etc. I offered to take time off work to take him, but his answer was "mum, it's college, who goes to that with their mum?" And he had a point. It's him that will be going, not me.

University is expensive these days, even without fees. And it's not always the best choice. We do training contracts with both school leavers and university grads at work. Both will end up with the same qualification but the school leaver has years more practical experience and no debt relating to studying as they are earning a wage while learning.

I dont expect help with a wedfing but it was the fact that he told me no help " because I cost him a lot growing up." As though ge resents it. I call him " cost/ benefit or spreadsheet dad!"

In comete contrast, a friends dad has insisted on paying for her wedding...he is so proud.

My dad, on the other hand, lijes my fiance but tried to talk me out of a wedfibg, I suspect as he dosn't want to put his hand in his pocket! My late mum used to give him all her wages and had to ask for pennies back for essentials like toiletries. So yes, he has always been a scrooge and I'm bloody resentful.

I am lucky that my wonderful fiance would give the kids his own shirt off his back.

Sorry for typos!

You sure the children aren't getting loans and getting their rent paid?

I should rewrite that!

The grants only stopped a few years before I went to uni and I’m not that old. Lots of them got full grants and didn’t have these massive loans.

I’m horrified your son would let you put yourself into debt right into seriously old age to allow him to have an extra room and live somewhere expensive. What if you are unwell and need care and support, or adaptations to your home? Will you be ok?

My mother tries to be overly generous but it causes me more worry at the thought of her being in need. I’d never accept her getting into debt for me.

My PIL went the other way... demanding money from us because "they raised my DH". Nice to see that other people not only wouldn't take money from their kids but actually offered to help them...

I used to think you should help them at all costs, but one of mine makes poor choices with money (eg would upgrade phone/car when new model comes out) even if it means not having enough for necessities. There is no way I'm going to enable that behaviour.

I will help my children as much as I am able - to a point.

As a parent, I make a lot of sacrifices for my children while they live with me, I think that maybe I should be able to take a step back once they are adults?

I mean, where does it end? I'm expected to fund my child until they are completely independent, then I'm expected to look after their kids to save THEM money and time, all the while making sure I'm saving enough money to both fund my own retirement but also have enough to ensure my kids get a good leg up? Am I supposed to extend the time I work past retirement age just so my kids don't have to? And how do I balance that between the three children I have so one of them isn't bitching about how unfair things are twenty years from now?

@ChiefWiggumsBoy don’t forget that you need enough money left at the end to you can pay carers and not rely on your children. And you should have plenty to leave as inheritance so they don’t squabble.

I am surprised you know how much pension your parents receive.

Pensions are relatively static while expenses are continually rising. Your wages will rise as your careers progress and your expenses will decrease as your responsibilities reduce.

Newly retired pensioners expenditure is usually higher in the first 10 years of retirement, expenditure in the middle years decreases but expenses often escalate in the final years of retirement due to declining health and nursing and care costs.
Do you really begrudge your parents a few years of enjoyment in retirement while they have relatively good health?

I think it depends on the attitude. If mine had taught me about mortgages and budgeting growing up and actually spoke to me openly about money whilst growing up, rather than hoping their ( rather strange) attitude to money would rub off on me, then maybe i'd feel less resentful now.

By rather strange, I don't mean being careful, I mean refusing us kids lunch out...not even a packed lunch.

My dad is loaded,some earned but a load of inheritance. He always lectured me about budgeting but was happy to spend hundreds on a souvenir recently that turned out to be a knock off rather than a real item.

Who are "we"? I'm 65. My parents were working class and had fuck all. When I was young I had fuck all too. Are "young adults" today incompetent or incapable?

I am surprised you know how much pension your parents receive - I'm not the poster you quoted, but I know more or less how much my parents' pensions are because they were both in public sector jobs (so on a standardised salary scale) and their pensions are final salary pensions so are a specific percentage of their final salary. Not difficult to estimate.