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AIBU?

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Original poster

to wonder why parents feel they don't need to financially help their kids after a certain age because they must ‘struggle like we did’ ?

289 replies

whatistuesday · 13/04/2023 10:42

I understand some people literally cannot do this but many can, even if it means a detriment to their own life, for instance one less holiday, a cheaper car etc etc.

But I do not understand why those who can, don’t. People who moan about supporting kids through university, making them take (full) loans that take so long to pay back, making them move out before they’ve had chance to save, charging them rent… the list goes on. The argument always seems to be that the DD or DS needs to learn the value of money or stand on their own two feet… of course, but does that mean you, as a parent, have no responsibility when they turn 18? Are they supposed to magically have money to start out? Even renting you need a deposit, let alone the idea of saving for a mortgage. There’s this idea that ‘well if i suffered, you must too.’ It’s your child!

For context I have had help from my parents but also know they could have done more. I now have dc and would do everything possible to ensure they were financially comfortable as a young adult. And no… I’m not bringing up brats, I work hard and will expect them to, too. But I also don’t want them to launch into debt to get started in life, because I think I deserve a nice holiday or a new car or to order what I want in my weekly shop. I will always make sacrifices where needed, it won’t suddenly end at 18.

OP posts:
Ted27 · 13/04/2023 16:13

@ShonaShoop
you are making it sound like care leavers are being given nice flats and a financed.
They should have a plan, and a setting up type of grant, but its not likely to be very nice or even safe. Once they turn 18 they are adults, not ‘in care’ and unless they get a job will be on benefits

KickHimInTheCrotch · 13/04/2023 16:15

I'll always help my DC as much as they need me to and within my means. They are welcome to live with me for as long as they like and I'll pay what I can towards driving lessons/uni etc. I know they won't freeload, because they haven't been raised like that.

My parents helped me out in my 20s at uni and afterwards and having a little bit of financial backing has really helped me to be a confident adult, get some really useful experiences and make good choices in life. I feel immensely privileged tbh. I had a small inheritance when I was 18 and spent it on going travelling for a year (I worked while away) knowing that I could return to stay with one of my parents afterwards and get settled into a career without having to pay loads on rent and bills for the first couple of months. It wasn't a huge additional financial cost to them but made all the difference to me. I want to help my kids have the same start in life.

Rainpuddle · 13/04/2023 16:16

I agree. This statement always puzzles me. I think well if you know how hard it was and how much you suffered, surely you don't want that experience for your DCs? Baffles me why you'd want them to suffer if you know firsthand how difficult suffering is.

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 16:16

junebirthdaygirl · 13/04/2023 16:04

Sorry l am in lreland but l do think it's a very worrying situation. Here we do have half way support houses where a housewares helps them to get on their feet with a focus on cooking/ budgeting/ lifestyles and career.
Is there anything like that available.

Show quote history

Yes we have a similar scheme in UK. Children within the care system are “supported” for as long as they need. Supported = Financially. They also have a “support worker” when they leave care. However, the emotional support they receive via a support worker isn’t akin to the emotional support DC receive from their own families.

Myself, and many foster carers I know provide emotional, physical and financial support to children we foster - long after they leave the care system.

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 16:18

Ted27 · 13/04/2023 16:13

@ShonaShoop
you are making it sound like care leavers are being given nice flats and a financed.
They should have a plan, and a setting up type of grant, but its not likely to be very nice or even safe. Once they turn 18 they are adults, not ‘in care’ and unless they get a job will be on benefits

Just like any young adult not in the care system then 🙄

Lcb123 · 13/04/2023 16:19

It’s nice if parents can help but I would make mine take a student loan if they went to uni. They won’t have to pay it back anyway, the threshold is high now. And they can work whilst at uni. I’d help with a property deposit if I could.

Wc100423 · 13/04/2023 16:21

whatistuesday · 13/04/2023 10:42

I understand some people literally cannot do this but many can, even if it means a detriment to their own life, for instance one less holiday, a cheaper car etc etc.

But I do not understand why those who can, don’t. People who moan about supporting kids through university, making them take (full) loans that take so long to pay back, making them move out before they’ve had chance to save, charging them rent… the list goes on. The argument always seems to be that the DD or DS needs to learn the value of money or stand on their own two feet… of course, but does that mean you, as a parent, have no responsibility when they turn 18? Are they supposed to magically have money to start out? Even renting you need a deposit, let alone the idea of saving for a mortgage. There’s this idea that ‘well if i suffered, you must too.’ It’s your child!

For context I have had help from my parents but also know they could have done more. I now have dc and would do everything possible to ensure they were financially comfortable as a young adult. And no… I’m not bringing up brats, I work hard and will expect them to, too. But I also don’t want them to launch into debt to get started in life, because I think I deserve a nice holiday or a new car or to order what I want in my weekly shop. I will always make sacrifices where needed, it won’t suddenly end at 18.

I had no help at all but your statement that YOU DID but still feel your parents could have done more is entitled. I will help my children and already have money put aside for them however, I hope they do not turn out like you always wanting and feeling like I could do more more more!

RollingInTheCreek · 13/04/2023 16:21

Nordicrain · 13/04/2023 13:18

Leaving your child homeless is quite different to going without your regular food shopping to buy them a new car they want.

I don’t think anyone’s really talking about that.

thecatsthecats · 13/04/2023 16:21

As with everything, there's a balance to be struck. There's a difference between "I would do anything for my kids" and "I would do everything for my kids".

MIL is definitely the latter. Lifts, gifts, money, cooking etc. I'm pleased FIL was involved, because otherwise my husband would be a useless man baby.

There's a lot of problem solving and resilience that comes from work it things out for yourself. So there has to be a limit to parental generosity.

crossstitchingnana · 13/04/2023 16:24

My parents helped top up my grant but apart from that, they couldn't afford to. No help with buying cars or deposits on houses etc. they paid for our wedding breakfast. We ran up £3500 of cc debt too. No help there.

I am not bitter, they are not rolling in it but we're having great holidays whilst we struggled. Hey, they deserved it.

For my own kids one pays rent (nominal amount) the other is studying. We make it fair by helping the one who now working with stuff, like driving lessons. We ask for rent as that seems fair. Why should they pocket all their cash and we pay the bills?

MoltenLasagne · 13/04/2023 16:37

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/04/2023 11:05

I support my adult DC by putting a roof over their head, advising them wisely, feeding them and washing their clothes for minimal rent.

Will I be paying for house deposits, etc? Absolutely not.

They work full time and pay £30 a week rent, up to them if they want to save or spend, I have one doing one and one doing the other.

I'd argue that giving them rent of £30 a week is essentially funding their deposit anyway.

DoNotWorryBeHappy · 13/04/2023 16:41

My son works, rents, lives parsimoniously and saves as much as he can. He's now keen to buy his first flat in an expensive city, he has 3 years of help to buy ISA so will get £3k added to his £12k savings, and I am remortgaging my home to release capital to give him a decent deposit. For me it means I have 20-odd years of mortgage, taking me to 80, though of course I might downsize in the meantime. The extra money allows DS to have a better interest rate based on loan to value, and a second bedroom so he can have a flatmate to help with costs. He will help me with my mortgage costs, but I'm happy if he can't as I've budgeted for this. I have lots of friends my age inheriting (no money coming our way unfortunately...) yet my friends choose cruises and cars and wonderful lifestyles - as it is their right - but their adult children struggle... Times are tricky these days, it's good to do as much as we can to help our adult children.

Fansandblankets · 13/04/2023 16:43

I agree. However we will help but only if they help themselves too. We have an adult daughter, we paid for most of her house deposit and give her money regularly or buy her stuff to help her out. She never asks. She works long hours and doesn’t spend alot on herself. We will both inherit from our own parents in the future and that’s earmarked for the younger two for house deposits.

TankFlyBossW4lk · 13/04/2023 16:43

I'm with you OP. I find it difficult to fathom. My parents were incredibly supportive and frankly would have given me the shirt off their backs if I needed it. I've been completely self sufficient since 25 years old and did help my mum in her hours of need.

I absolutely know the value of money and don't really believe that treating kids harshly necessarily teaches them anything. I was lucky to have my parents and there's no way I'm charging my kids after the age of 18.

LBFseBrom · 13/04/2023 16:46

Rainpuddle · 13/04/2023 16:16

I agree. This statement always puzzles me. I think well if you know how hard it was and how much you suffered, surely you don't want that experience for your DCs? Baffles me why you'd want them to suffer if you know firsthand how difficult suffering is.

That's how I feel.

If we help our children as much as we can when they are young adults, they will eventually stand on their own two feet.

Theimpossiblegirl · 13/04/2023 16:47

I had the hardest time. Literally on my own from 16. There's no way I'm going to sit back while my daughters struggle. I'm currently supporting them through uni and when the time comes I'll step up as a grandparent. I can't give them house deposits but they can stay here while they save. Why wouldn't I want you help the people I brought into this world?

NualaMay · 13/04/2023 16:52

I couldn’t go on skiing holidays if my children were struggling to pay their bills. I’d feel like a terrible person and a terrible parent.

Of course I don’t want to raise entitled kids / young adults. But if I had the means to make sure they wouldn’t have to struggle, I would help. What else is money for, if not to help those you love who are struggling?

CleaningOutMyCloset · 13/04/2023 17:04

It's a tightrope really, a lot of kids/young adults now expect help because they see so many of their friends get help, so they don't prioritise saving for a car or a house over luxuries such as holidays.

I'd never see my child homeless, but I would struggle to maintain sympathy if they are homeless due to spending money on holidays rather than bills or a nest egg for redundancy etc.

My parents told me when I moved out, that I'd never be allowed to move back home once I'd left, it shone a very bright light on my parents being shit, but also making sure I always had money saved for a rainy day. I've been financially secure as an individual since that day and I know it's as a result of this tough love (shit parenting)

Ted27 · 13/04/2023 17:06

@ShonaShoop

yes, like other 18 year old not being supported by parents.
But the way you were writing gave the impression that young people are walking out of care into nice flats and being supported financially by local authorities when they are more likely ending up in hostels and bedsits.

People with families are living in one room in hostels and hotels because of the shortage of council accommodation, what is available isnt going to single young people

malificent7 · 13/04/2023 17:07

Agree op. My dad charged me rent when I had to move back home for 6 months as a young pregnant single mum who lost her job...lovely.
He won't help towards my wedding as i cost him a lot growing up apparently. Lovely.

Well it's up to him but I have scaled my visits right back

Bunda · 13/04/2023 17:07

As long as my kids are trying I will help them with every bone in my body. Be it time, money (if I can afford it), tough love or guidance.

And if they're not trying because they genuinely can't, I'll be there too.

toomuchlaundry · 13/04/2023 17:29

@malificent7 why do expect help with a wedding?

PrinnyPaupersPurse · 13/04/2023 17:33

"Moan about supporting kids through university, making them take (full) loans that take so long to pay back"

You lost me at this comment.

I'm in a position where I COULD help my son through university but he's managing just fine without my help on maximum loans, just like I did. At Easter he came home and actually asked me if we needed any money due to the cost of living crisis 😂. He then told me how grateful he was that I taught him basic life skills and he's the cleanest person in his halls. He's also got £1k in savings from scrimping and saving but he is still enjoying his university experience. I couldn't be more proud of him.

Newbutoldfather · 13/04/2023 17:38

I think parents should be the safety net, not a wallet. Some help is good, the university system these days feels unfair and emerging with a ton of debt, if you can avoid it, is not good.

On the other hand, there is a real sense of achievement in a young adult of being independent, and I really struggle with all the support threads on here for adults about their children’s exams, university entrance etc. A lot of it seems to be living and competing vicariously via one’s children.

No decent parent would let a child starve or be homeless, but building resilience through struggle and the odd fail is an essential part of growing up.

slowquickstep · 13/04/2023 17:38

LBFseBrom · 13/04/2023 16:46

That's how I feel.

If we help our children as much as we can when they are young adults, they will eventually stand on their own two feet.

Show quote history

Eventually ! And if that is the age of 50 will you still be happy to funding their lifestyle ?