to wonder why parents feel they don't need to financially help their kids after a certain age because they must ‘struggle like we did’ ?

[whatistuesday]

I understand some people literally cannot do this but many can, even if it means a detriment to their own life, for instance one less holiday, a cheaper car etc etc.

But I do not understand why those who can, don’t. People who moan about supporting kids through university, making them take (full) loans that take so long to pay back, making them move out before they’ve had chance to save, charging them rent… the list goes on. The argument always seems to be that the DD or DS needs to learn the value of money or stand on their own two feet… of course, but does that mean you, as a parent, have no responsibility when they turn 18? Are they supposed to magically have money to start out? Even renting you need a deposit, let alone the idea of saving for a mortgage. There’s this idea that ‘well if i suffered, you must too.’ It’s your child!

For context I have had help from my parents but also know they could have done more. I now have dc and would do everything possible to ensure they were financially comfortable as a young adult. And no… I’m not bringing up brats, I work hard and will expect them to, too. But I also don’t want them to launch into debt to get started in life, because I think I deserve a nice holiday or a new car or to order what I want in my weekly shop. I will always make sacrifices where needed, it won’t suddenly end at 18.

It's called being an adult.

If your kids need your help financially when they are adults, then either you failed to raise them or they failed at managing their own life.

Helping grown adults by giving them money so they can get something they can't afford on their own, is just enabling their helplessness.

It's called being an adult.

If your kids need your help financially when they are adults, then either you failed to raise them or they failed at managing their own life.

Helping grown adults by giving them money so they can get something they can't afford on their own, is just enabling their helplessness

How is it enabling helplessness to be kind and support your children?

One of my parents has the same attitude as you and now I'm a parent myself I just don't understand it. It seems to come from a "if I struggled you should too" mentality, which I don't get.
Why would I not want to help my DC get established in adulthood?

Why on earth would I want to see them struggle needlessly when a small amount of assistance that I can provide would make it easier for them?

DH's family has the mindset that family helps family and it's much healthier in my opinion.

Where does a small amount of assistance end?

"Well you paid for Uni, all I'm asking for is a few thousand to buy a car"

"Well you paid for Uni and my car, all I'm asking for is 50k for a deposit on a house"

"Well you paid for my deposit, can't you just pay a few months mortgage for us so we can go on holiday"

It's just like giving to a beggar, it doesn't help them in the long term, just enables them to continue doing what they have become accustomed to doing.

I have 3 DDs and 7 GC - that's 10 people - which one should I help?

I supported the girls through university and they left with inly small loans to pay back. I have passed on cars, have paid for wedding dresses, and a small donation to a house deposit when it was needed, and paid for a big family holiday. I also provided free child care when it was needed so that DDs could work.

I do have a bit of money behind me and could help them more, but they feel that if I spend my savings on them I would have no money to pay for any care I might need and could finish up in crap care, which they do not want to happen. We know all about this as we had to struggle to pay for my late OH's nursing home fees.

Things are never quite as simple as they look - a chunk of my savings has gone on 3 different private surgeries without which my life would be very difficult and I would have had to wait months/years to get them done on the NHS. As it is my quality of life has increased and I am able to help with child care. My DDs are happy about that - about me being well and also the child care.

I do not take the view that I "had it easy" and therefore want them to suffer too! I did have it easier I know - I left university with no debts after degree and post-grad - I had maintenance grants and all fees were paid. It was a different world then when only 2% of the population went to university, so government support was affordable.

Also one of the DDs is far far richer than the others - how should I deal with that when considering any help I might give?

That's the difference between a hand up and a hand out.

Or put another way, give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach him to fish and he'll eat for his lifetime!

The contributions we've made for our son have enabled him to put himself in a better position to become a functioning adult with ability to get a decent job and earn a decent living.

We've contributed towards his education, his University degree, travel to interviews hundreds of miles away, paid for him to learn to drive and pass his test and let him borrow one of our cars. He's starting a graduate job with a blue chip employer this Summer, not only can he not afford to rent a flat in a very expensive city on his graduate salary, he can't even rent a property because he has no references, etc., so we have to step in, rent a property for him for the first year. Once he's been there a few months, if all goes well, he'll get the first of many pay rises, be able to prove employment history to rent his own flat next year, etc. What we've never, and won't ever pay for are discretionary costs, such as he'll have to buy his own car, pay for his own holidays, pay for his own wedding, we don't pay for hobbies, eating out etc etc etc. The money we've paid was all aimed at getting him in a position to live his own life and earn his own money - we've had many discussions about this over the years, starting as far back as when he was leaving primary school and starting secondary, so none of it is a surprise to him! And he is more than aware that his first year earning his own money in the graduate job is his "make or break" year - he sinks or swims on his own now.

I think that feeling your parents "have your back" is the key. And possibly, we focus on lack of financial support of something else not being provided if we don't actually feel they have our backs.

YANBU. I was expected to pay the full “commercial” rent for my room once I worked. i found out I was paying the rent for the whole flat. I was also not allowed to move out because “it would ruin them”

when family tried to discuss it I wasn’t to talk about finances and insist I was happy with the arrangement.

from the age of 16, I was expected to pay for my own clothes out of a Saturday morning job. Apparently the child benefit 16+ “was her reward for raising me”.

At 18 I had to pay for my food, which was regularly used.

My father was so miserly when I was growing up I didn't have enough food, relied on friends for hand me down clothes, school uniform came from new2you box at school as school felt sorry for me.

Turned out he was investing it all in stocks and shares so I had a very difficult teen period thinking he was broke. I'm much older now but struggled through life with various difficulties.

His pension and rental income is more than our family income, plus his new wife is quite well off. They holiday a couple of times a month, multiple ski trips, long haul, weekends away, posh meals out etc.

We struggle and although old enough not to expect anything would love it if he was more generous tk the kids than 15£ for birthday etc. It would make out quality of life so much better if they occasionally contributes to music lessons or took the kids out for the day or gave them a bit of pocket money. Not in a subsidising our lifestyle way but just where the disparity between our lifestyle/my childhood and their income is hard to manage sometimes. And it wouldn't cost them much to occasionally be genour to the grandkids.

It doesn't make any sense to saddle your kids with a shed load of debt if you're in a position to save then from it. I paid my final installment for my degree the week before I turned 36. Paying that off (and my payments were over £120 per month 15 years ago!) impacted me affording other things and I never have caught up with my parentally supported peers financially. Why wouldn't help your children?!

I think my eagerness to help DS is also borne out of a very "poor" upbringing, where it was made clear from an early age that I wouldn't be going to Uni because my parents "couldn't" afford to fund it, we never had holidays, parents drove around in old rust bucket cars that constantly broke down - my "memories" of the occasional days out we had was usually of waiting for the recovery truck to tow us home. When I got my first job, I was expected to give half of the wages to my parents for "rent", but also to buy my own clothes, etc., and to buy my own study books/resources out of the other half of my very small wage (less than a pound per hour in the 80s!). If I used my parents car, say to go to college evening classes, I had to put a few quid of petrol in it!

My teenage years and early 20's were dictated by lack of money, and I missed out on a lot. It wasn't until my mid to late 20's that I qualified and started earning good money that I started to actually "live a life", which meant being late to have relationships, late to marry, late to buy a house, late to have a child, etc.

I didn't want my son to struggle like that as it makes things so much harder, and in my case, it meant we only had one child as we were so late that time ran out for a second.

The ironic (and very annoying) thing about all that penny pinching, etc., is that my parents DID have money after all, but just chose not to spend it. When they died and I went through their paperwork, it was clear that they had healthy savings right back to the 70s and 80s, but wouldn't even spend it on themselves, let alone their children! I just find it unfathomable they they're prefer to drive old unreliable rust buckets of cars that kept breaking down rather than buying something more reliable. And that was just one example of not spending. But the killer was my mother whingeing that we'd only given her one grandchild - well if she'd not been so tight and restrictive, I'd have probably got my career sorted a few years earlier which would have led to marriage sooner and child(ren) sooner before time ran out!

That's part of why I've been so keen to finance my son on what I consider to be "the right lines" as regards his education and career. The sooner he has his feet under the table with a decent employer in a job with prospects, the sooner he can "live his own life" and pay for it himself!

Your kids are always your kids. My parents had a leg-up, and were then very generous with us, and I'll do what's possible for my children to set them on their way. Get the first car, help them onto the property ladder etc. I consider that my duty, if I can.

I absolutely wouldn't then expect to support their lifestyle as adults, they'll need to crack on. But i like to hope I'll continue to be a generous parent, and I'd want my kids to always feel able to come to me for money in an emergency.

The way I see it is, as long as they work hard and are good people they'll deserve any help. (The wasters/lazy/spoilt are a different question!)

Yes I agree. We've told our son, very clearly, that upon our demise (very likely as we both have life limiting health conditions) to use his inheritance to firstly pay off his student loan, then pay off any other debts/loans (inc mortgage), and then to sit back and take stock of what's left which should still be a decent amount.

Pointless to continue racking up interest on the student loans, especially as he's likely to be earning well above average within a few years, so will be liable to student loan repayments from his first payslip. I did a spreadsheet with him showing how the interest racks up on his student loan, and we flexed it at various income levels throughout the next 30 years, and it brilliantly illustrated how much interest he'd end up paying. He is now firmly agreeing with us that he needs to pay it off as soon as he can!!

I must live in a bubble. I don’t know one person that has kicked their kids out at 18. I’m sure it happens. But surely not the norm?

Today's youngsters need money when they're young. Them getting an inheritance when they're 40 or 50 is too late to make much difference. That's what happened to me, when my mother died when I was mid 40's I'd already sorted out my life by then, settled in a good career, family, "forever home". Whilst an inheritance was nice, it's just sat in a bank account earning interest for the last 15 years! Hasn't changed my live at all.

That's where the money is coming from for my son - we're drawing down from that account to help pay his university accommodation and living costs, we'll be paying his first years' rent from it for his first job, buying him a car if he needs one for work, helping him furnish his first flat. He knows all this, he knows we've ring-fenced my inheritance from his grandmother for him, but just doesn't know how much as we don't want him getting silly ideas and going mad, or putting pressure on us to fund things for him. He's not "demanding" or "needy" at all, never asks us for anything, but we always talk things through, plan things out, and offer to finance things or go halves with him for major costs.

A different viewpoint

People who moan about supporting kids through university, Making them take (full) loans that take so long to pay back

Depends on the course and child. A course which will reasonably result in employment and doesnt reasonably facilitate part time work - happy to fully fund it as best I can so they have a clean, warm, safe place to live and do well at their demanding course.

A course that can be done with a part time job or is being done by choice without a job and going out drinking every weekend - not on my dime.

Making them move out before they’ve had chance to save, charging them rent
Are they saving? I used to earn £800 take home at 16 and moaned about paying my mum £100 a month when she clearly could have done with it. I spent every penny.

When my child is old enough to pay rent, I will charge them and it will go into their savings so when they are ready to buy a home they have an extra nest egg. I'm not going to tell them it's there until they are ready to buy because I want them to understand that housing has a cost, not see it as extra savings.

Does that make it ok for me to charge them rent? Realistically why should an 18-25 year old living at home bot be able to afford rent? Most dont have kids. The only mandatory bill should be their rent; their iPhone and social life should be budgeted for.

You had help but your parents could have done more….and there it is, the sense of entitlement that young people have nowadays!

Are they supposed to magically have money to start out? Even renting you need a deposit

A 16 year old on minimum wage can earn over £750 a month on full time hours.

An 18 year old on minimum wage working full time earns £1000+.

Assuming they live at home do you think it's reasonable for them to spend that each month? Why shouldn't they pay rent if they are earning? That's more than a lot of people have in take home pay. Do you honestly think parents who can afford a holiday should top up their childs moneyand go without a holiday so their kids can have more disposable income?

@Proudofitbabe

The way I see it is, as long as they work hard and are good people they'll deserve any help. (The wasters/lazy/spoilt are a different question!)

Same with us. We'd be very different with him if he constantly caused us problems, argued with us, showed any signs of aggression, or was getting mixed up with problematic drink, drugs, etc. But he doesn't. So we're pretty confident he's not going to do anything stupid with any money/financial help we give him. He's always been grateful for whatever we've given him and has shown common sense and financial awareness far in excess of his age!

He knows full well not to ask for hand outs for frivolities like holidays, hobbies, weddings, etc. He barely even asks for help for more important things like study text books - he seems slightly embarrassed to mention things like that, which we've always been happy to pay for. Now he's finished Uni, he's a couple of months before he starts his first proper job, and has already shared his plans with us as to how he's going to finance numerous days out with his Uni flat mates to theme parks, zoos, and various outdoor pursuits (segway, kayaking, water-skiing, etc) - none of which involve the begging bowl for us to finance them! He saved a few hundred pounds towards it by walking to the Uni rather than buying bus passes, and just paying ad-hoc for buses on the few heavy rainy days! Also saved a small fortune by making packed lunches instead of buying lunch in the Uni canteens - that's another few hundred.

Exactly this! I had a very similar teenage and young adult experience and it's completely messed my life up. I am very angry with my parents for not what I call putting me on the right 'path.' I did no extra curricular activities and had one pair of jeans that I sewed up at least once a week, and then going for uni interviews with these well travelled kids with their gold D of Es and sporting achievements opened my eyes completely! I always thought we were poor but she always had a lovely collection of antiques on display that were bought from little fairs and shops and always immaculate short hair cuts every 6 weeks. I didn't see a hairdresser at her expense from the age of 12! I bust a gut to make sure my kids have that cultural capital that I lacked and even of they don't make it to university will have the confidence and social skills to excel at whatever they do. Because it's my job as their mother. If you don't want to do this for your kids, then don't bother having them.

Ita a bit weird that you think this is the only generation to struggle.

We dont live in a world where you move out and your parents subsidise a second household for each child.

Moving out isnt even an entitlement. In many cultures people live with their family for years with intergenerational living.

Other people have it a lot harder than 18 year olds that want to move out and buy a new home, have a good car and good clothes and holidays, gadgets and tech, and still have a chunk of disposable income.

That standard of living comes from building a career and a 30/40yo salary, not an entry level job with a salary topped up by mum and dad. Youth need to adjust their expectations.

Perhaps parents would prefer their kids to be in education/training rather than a dead end minimum wage job? Far better to be learning/training towards getting a higher paid career/profession, and for that, they need support. Yes, they can be earning £750/£1000 in a full time minimum wage job, but chances are if they go down that route, they'll still be on minimum wage in 5/10/20 years' time. You need to "speculate to accumulate" especially in modern days, when it's more important than ever to get qualifications, skills, etc to enable you to get into decent careers/professions with more options for advancement, flexibility, etc.

I agree with you. I sent money to both of my children through their Uni years. Thankfully they are now both in good jobs and don't need any further support. However, I do still pay for any meals out and regularly treat them to things. I am also paying for half my DD's wedding (and will do the same for DS when the time comes).

FIL is a multi millionaire and does not help SIL, who is on the breadline. I just can't understand it. They have a good relationship, so it's not that they have fallen out.

You can train for management in minimum wage jobs. I did and I will have paid my mortgage off by 40 and will be able to fully fund my child through uni, driving lessons and set her up with a home when she is ready.

I will still wont pay more than pocket money for luxuries like fancy phones and make up. If she wants extras she needs to earn a disposable income.

Unless you live in one of few big cities, things have changed radically over the past two or three decades and there simply aren't the jobs in lots of regional/rural areas anymore, so yes, moving away, renting their own flat, etc is pretty much essential for huge numbers of youngsters these days if they want a decent job/career/profession. Ever increasing numbers of youngsters go off to Uni and never return to live/work in their home towns, simply because there are few, if any, decent jobs there.

My son would have loved to stay living in his home town, but given his chosen career/profession, the nearest job he could get is 200 miles away - that's the closest firm who offer his profession. There used to be such firms with regional offices all over the UK, we had two large regional offices in a nearby town just 20 miles away, but both closed down 20 years ago and relocated/centralised all their offices into their London head office.

You're OK if you want to be a teacher, nurse, doctor, etc., as there are schools and hospitals all over the UK. Not the same if you want to be an engineer or actuary where local/regional opportunities are basically non existent for vast swathes of the country!

Yes, but even "management" in lots of employers is still pretty low/average wages. That's fine if you don't have high aspirations. You also need a good choice of local employers/businesses where you can climb the greasy pole if you want. If you live in a run down regional area which basically has nothing but a few supermarkets, independent retail, a couple of fast food outlets, charity shops, a few workshops and the odd garage business, you're options are really restricted. Not everywhere has big employers with progression opportunities within realistic commutes.