to wonder why parents feel they don't need to financially help their kids after a certain age because they must ‘struggle like we did’ ?

[whatistuesday]

I understand some people literally cannot do this but many can, even if it means a detriment to their own life, for instance one less holiday, a cheaper car etc etc.

But I do not understand why those who can, don’t. People who moan about supporting kids through university, making them take (full) loans that take so long to pay back, making them move out before they’ve had chance to save, charging them rent… the list goes on. The argument always seems to be that the DD or DS needs to learn the value of money or stand on their own two feet… of course, but does that mean you, as a parent, have no responsibility when they turn 18? Are they supposed to magically have money to start out? Even renting you need a deposit, let alone the idea of saving for a mortgage. There’s this idea that ‘well if i suffered, you must too.’ It’s your child!

For context I have had help from my parents but also know they could have done more. I now have dc and would do everything possible to ensure they were financially comfortable as a young adult. And no… I’m not bringing up brats, I work hard and will expect them to, too. But I also don’t want them to launch into debt to get started in life, because I think I deserve a nice holiday or a new car or to order what I want in my weekly shop. I will always make sacrifices where needed, it won’t suddenly end at 18.

I will help my kids as much as we can but ds will take out the maximum possible university loan because you never know what will happen in the future.

As an example about 5 years ago dh became suddenly ill and had to take 6 months off work. At one point we thought he would never work again. He eventually returned to work but about a month ago lost his job. His illness/disability means he may find it difficult to find equivalent paid full time work.

It does not help children to have everything handed to them on a plate. Some will be OK but for many they would develop an entitled, work-shy attitude. My ds knows how privileged he is in comparison to many of his friends. He knows the value of things and how you have to work at it.

Because there are life lessons in the struggle which equip your young adult as they mature.

If you don't want your children to take out loans to cover the cost of uni you are looking at around 20k per year per child to cover this.

The fact that dh and I did struggle when we were younger means that we know how to cut back. So his sudden loss of a job isn't quite a scary to us. A family member who has only ever known affluence panicked when their spouse became chronically ill and unable to work.

I actually find you post odd as I don’t actually know any parents who act like this.
Im in my 60’s as are most of my friends and we have all helped fund universities, cars, deposits to rent/buy weddings etc.
My children have had thousands of pounds more help than I ever had.

I read somewhere that the bank of mum and dad is the sixth biggest lender in the country. So clearly a lot of people are getting help.

Think these days are so different as dc are in education much longer and we possibly have more money than our parents due to smaller families, two parents working etc. We have paid all college fees and accommodation but in lreland that is common. Have no problem with them living with us while they save or between jobs.
This is why my heart breaks for young people in Foster care where they often end up with no support aged 18. When l think of how much support mine have needed since 18 l just don't know how they manage. I would like to foster those!

I’ve paid for driving lessons, weddings and house deposits.
I’ve contributed towards driving lessons for the next generation. I expect we’ll be helping out with fees too.

Now we have to be very careful though. Our income is static and costs aren’t.

You've had 3 children and you are complaining that your parents have a new car and solar panels (that are presumably to reduce their bills)? If you had one child and were struggling, that I could maybeunderstand, but you really think as an adult that has chosen to have two more children, that your parents have some sort of obligation for paying for that? What actual planet are you on to hold any resentment towards your parents for your own life choices, that is absolutely bonkers.

Depends how you define "help". Just giving handouts to people doesn't help them, because they don't learn how to budget or generate their own income. It's not the job of a parent to be a cash machine. "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for life".

I totally agree with you. Both my DH and I are very fortunate that we also both have/had parents who thought the same and have done everything they can to help us over the years and even to this day.

Edit, its your inlaws that have had the new car and panels, who havent paid for your childrens school uniforms. My opinion hasnt changed, Im updating to avoid pedantry.

I agree I’m going to be very strict in ensuring mine all start saving for a mortgage as soon as they earn once they have done that then they can move out but not before my mum was a very much I can’t wait till you all turn 16 you’ll be OUT sort of mum it was awful!

I don't get it either.

My dad supported me long past university when I needed it. He helps towards nursery fees now. He can, so he does. I will do the same for my kids when they grow up.

DH and I consider our money family money - we all need enough for our needs including adult DC. It's true that we didn't have help from our DPs as they didn't have money to spare but we did benefit from low house prices, secure employment and good pensions, none of which is so easily available to our DC. If we can afford to help them with house deposits, childcare etc then of course we will.

You can tell the posters commenting who still have preschool/primary aged kids.

We are older than you and struggled when young despite both coming from comfortable backgrounds. It was shit and we are making sure our kids have a better life than we did.

I will do anything to make sure my daughter is comfortable. She is 32, lives with me and earns a decent wage. She contributes NIL to the household bills and I will not have it any other way. Any savings she makes are added to her private pension. I would like to continue like this for as long as she lives with me. That is how I was looked after as a young adult. It does not matter what others think about it but we are both happy and she is making good progress in her career, free from financial stresses faced by some of her peers.
I am retired and by no means rich. I just prioritize her comfort over anything else.

I can see both sides. I absolutely will help my children with big purchases. Bit to subsidise their lifestyle if they decide to have more children than they can afford? Absolutely not.

Well it very much depends on the circumstances doesn’t it?

Some (many) people just can’t afford to, full stop.

And there’s a massive shock in store if you’ve been living cozily at home with all your money to spend as you like then suddenly you have bills, which ime is WHY some young people get into debt for stupid things like cars etc. I’ve seen it repeatedly.

On the other hand, there’s refusing to help with the basics eg a deposit, etc if you are in the privileged position to do so for your children. But subsidising a life of partying and vacuous spending is just as damaging.

My two are both at home at the moment and working part time, I’m not taking rent because the oldest is saving (and has successfully lived independently for a few years) and the youngest very part time as at college and I can afford not to but at the same time if they weren’t saving/had more income Damn tooting id take reasonable amounts of rent. And if I wasn’t in the privileged position I’m in damn tooting they’d be contributing to household costs. I’d save it for them in my position but getting into the responsibility of paying your living costs before anything else is a life skill.

Financially crippling them when you can afford not to is wrong I agree; but parents financially crippling themselves so their children can live a lifestyle the parents can’t afford, which I see a lot, is also wrong.

Most wealthy people, the RF, celebrities, CEOs, senior politicians not only help their children out, bequeath property, shares etc but also secure and propagate nil IHT for their children and generations unborn, use incorporation and trusts to pay as little tax as possible even though if they paid these taxes their great great grand children will not taste poverty.
Somehow the commoners have been brainwashed that their children must struggle and continue to romanticise poverty to their own detriment.

I have noticed a huge degree of selfishness in my parents generation (I'm 37, they're in their late 50s and early 60s).

I remember my parents eagerly grabbing any help and support that they could from my grandparents, us staying overnight every week with grandparents etc, but now we are all grown up they seem to feel they've done their part and aren't quite so keen reciprocate the help they had onto their own children and grandchildren.

It's very much an attitude of "I've done my childrearing, you're turn" whereas I'm sat there thinking "You didn't do it alone! You are way too quick to conveniently forget that!".

Because we need to look out for our own retirement. Especially if we need a care home. That money isn’t elastic.

Im with you OP. I know my parents would always do anything ( money, time, childcare etc) they could to help me, im in my 40s, this hasnt changed a bit. I would also do the same for my kids. My inlaws on the othet hand never helpped my hubby since he turned 18. They never want to spend money or effort on him or our kids.

When my parents helpped us with a deposit to buy our first house, my inlaws were shocked and angry, because they think my parents are trying to control us.... sigh, people who are selfish dont understand why others would happily help (sometimes even sacrifice for) their kids with no expectations at all. Sometimes I wonder what kind of love there is between them? They kiss hug all the time and say "love you" often, but when something happens they are not willing to sacrifice any of their comfort, time or money. The bond between them feels lile plastic to me.

My parents never helped me or my sister's. From the age of sixteen when l got my first weekend job l contributed to the home. My parents never paid anything towards my university. Clothes, driving lessons and anything other than food and utilities l have paid for myself.

I even paid for all of my wedding stuff which parents are supposed to do, it's one of the obligations as parents in my religion.

On the other hand they have given my brother's everything including money, paid for my brother's wedding.

I see my situation as favouritism.

But I also don’t want them to launch into debt to get started in life, because I think I deserve a nice holiday or a new car or to order what I want in my weekly shop. I will always make sacrifices where needed, it won’t suddenly end at 18.

I’ve never heard anyone say their kids should suffer as they did as young adults but I find your post really dramatic. So someone is never allowed a holiday or to buy what they want on their food shop because that could go to their adult children?

There is a line between helping your children because you can and also teaching your children to stand on their own feet financially.