to wonder why parents feel they don't need to financially help their kids after a certain age because they must ‘struggle like we did’ ?

[whatistuesday]

I understand some people literally cannot do this but many can, even if it means a detriment to their own life, for instance one less holiday, a cheaper car etc etc.

But I do not understand why those who can, don’t. People who moan about supporting kids through university, making them take (full) loans that take so long to pay back, making them move out before they’ve had chance to save, charging them rent… the list goes on. The argument always seems to be that the DD or DS needs to learn the value of money or stand on their own two feet… of course, but does that mean you, as a parent, have no responsibility when they turn 18? Are they supposed to magically have money to start out? Even renting you need a deposit, let alone the idea of saving for a mortgage. There’s this idea that ‘well if i suffered, you must too.’ It’s your child!

For context I have had help from my parents but also know they could have done more. I now have dc and would do everything possible to ensure they were financially comfortable as a young adult. And no… I’m not bringing up brats, I work hard and will expect them to, too. But I also don’t want them to launch into debt to get started in life, because I think I deserve a nice holiday or a new car or to order what I want in my weekly shop. I will always make sacrifices where needed, it won’t suddenly end at 18.

My MiL is very much an I did it myself so why would i help you person. She forgets that she had an inheritance at 18 which paid for half her house outright, she was a SAHM, her parents then paid the mortgage when DH dad buggered off and then she sold up, is mortgage free and recieved another 6 figure inheritance while expecting another 6 figures once her dad passes.

DH recieved £500 towards a holiday and was told to be grateful. She gave her best mate 10k.. but its her money and her choice, she just can't say she did it all herself (in my eyes)

Leaving your child homeless is quite different to going without your regular food shopping to buy them a new car they want.

A lot of people needed help and will.need help all their lives.Not all gen x or boomers live in big houses
Yes u can help your kids of course and times are very different but some are over entitled and have been given a false idea of how clever and brilliant they are.Parents may need the money to suvive themselves.I think a lot of mumsnetters fondly imagine the world is going to carry on as before.Sorry but thr tsunami of climate issues..AI cost of living etc will.upend some of your comfy lives.But not all.
my friends niece who works in the NHS has had 3 holidays this year already and is having a destination wedding abroad

Working hard is not always enough.Some parenrs also infantilise their kids.

Wow I can't believe some of the entitlement on here. When me and my husband were first married we lived in one room in a shared house for a year. We then rented a small two bedroom house and made do with second hand furniture so we could save a deposit to buy a flat. We are now in our fifties mortgage free and in a position where we can comfortably afford nice holidays and cars. We have 2 adult children who have their own places. I may treat them to meals out etc but I don't give them large sums of money just because I can.

The problem with young people is they want it all and don't want to wait.

I do understand what you’re saying. I have a dc with asd who will almost certainly take a different path. I agree, it is important not to have fixed ideas about what your children ‘should’ do - It’s something I’m still working on

Not supported my kids financially since they left school but encouraged the saving habit.
Eldest 2 both left uni at 22 got graduate jobs , applied for promotions to quickly increase salary,lived frugally for a couple of years in grotty shared houses and saved like billyo to get together house deposits.

I will support mine if they get into a tough spot through no fault of their own. Accidents, illnesses, redundancy etc but I will not stand guarantor for them or help them out if they fall into a hole due to their own stupidity.

I know literally no one who has kicked their 18 year olds out.

Most of the adult children of my friends are leaving home in their mid twenties, in a couple of cases, late twenties.

They are going straight from home to first flats. Some of the first flats are owned and some are rented, whereas in the case of the parents (and us) we all lived in shared flats and houses in our twenties sometimes with friends but mostly with complete strangers. I rented a room in London in a house share for fifteen years before I could afford to buy a first (tiny) flat elsewhere with my husband.

I don't see it like that at all, especially not the making them suffer. Ds1 at Uni, but I don't expect to support him post.

I think struggling for a bit when you are young is character building. I knew if I were in truly dire straits I could ask my parents for help but mostly DH and I coped in our tiny leaky bedsit and so tight-it-hurt budget.

When/if things went tits up I knew my parents would have my back but tried to stand on my own two feet as much as possible.

With my young adult children, they are welcome to live here as long as they want to, and - if earning - make a modest contribution to the household. We cover university accommodation costs because the loan went nowhere near it.

We will naturally help where we can if they get into difficulty. However, they and we expect they will stand on their own financially as much as possible, and live within their means. How else will they learn to be adults?

There's a fine line IMO. I have colleagues whose 30 year old children still live at home rent free. They also bail them out financially when they get into debt from spending money on a load of crap nonsense. That sort of shit would not be happening to me. I wouldn't tolerate it for a second.

If I had a bit of money spare, I wouldn't give it to my adult kids if it meant I couldn't afford a holiday!

If I had an excess of money I would give some to my kids if it meant that my desired standard of living was not being affected in any way.

The minute my desired standard of living was affected, then I dont think id make any financial sacrifice for my adult kids. If it wasn't a sacrifice, then that'd be different. I'd far rather my kids had it than a care home or government.

Yes it’s is a horrible attitude. My Mum was asking me for rent as soon as I turned 18, and I got £0 support through Uni or anytime after that. She got 300k inheritance and just spent it all
on themselves. I struggled even working 3 days a week while studying and getting a full time grad job. I’ve still got quite a big monthly loan repayment. My friends with caring parents were/ are much better off.

Agree with you OP. Mine charged me £20 rent when I earned £40 a week on the YTS scheme to "teach me the value of money" whilst my mother did sweet FA all day, pretty much for her whole life.

Now as parents we've been actively considering how we can beat help Dd start in life, whether that's a house deposit, travelling or education because as your children you want to help them if you can. I guess that's the difference between myself and my mother who believed I was simply a drain on her sad little life.

I wouldn't have dreamt of asking my parents for cash to fund my life once I was in work after education.

There were weeks when I only had potatoes and porridge to eat at uni, that's just life and it did me no harm at all to be a bit hungry and bored.

If I'd be destitute of course they'd have stepped in, but funding my lifestyle when I'm a grown adult, I'd be utterly mortified.

I feel that a parent's job is to set you up as well as possible as a child and then you make your decision and take whatever fate throws at you as an adult. In emergencies they are there as we are for them, but as adults we should be independent and support ourselves and live within our means.

There's a balans to be had somewhere. I had no help, got kicked out at 18 and I feel that my life would have been a lot better if my parents weren't so focussed on me figuring it out on my own while still young. I did become very self reliant though but I feel that the cost was too high. I know someone who had the opposite upbringing from me and she literally lives with her kids in her elderly parents spare bedroom and is useless at doing anything herself. She couldn't even figure out how to apply for a job at age 45 without her parents telling her.

So I think that there needs to be a balans in some way.

That's all very well, but when does it stop?

My exh has been giving hand outs to one of our daughters and her husband for years and years. Daughter is in her late 30 and her husband in his late 40s.

They spend money without thinking and buy unsuitable things, find themselves short of money for something like a replacement car and then hold out their hands, otherwise they don't actually speak to him.

Exh has given them a huge amount of money and has used up almost all his saving.

People need to learn how to budget and cut their coat according to their cloth.

I'm happy to help my adult children but I'm not prepared to throw good money after bad to people who take advantage so will not help them buy their next car.

It's not always a case of parents having money burn and there's absolutely no reason for parents to make massive sacrifices for children who take and take because they can.

Some adult children have unreasonable expectation of what they're owed in life.

I struggle with the word ‘struggle’.
I see absolutely nothing wrong with young people in their 20s having to choose between saving for big things or spending lavishly. I think the ability to live within your means is an absolutely critical life skill and kids need to learn this in their 20s.
Anyone with a ‘I won’t let my babies go without’ attitude is either very wealthy or foolish - young people can haemorrhage ££££

I am also disgusted with all the entitled people referring to parents who don’t help out as ‘selfish’.

There is a balance to be struck between support and spoon-feeding. There comes a point where young people need to stand on their own two feet. It is good to know that parents are there to help if things go wrong, but in the end they have to take responsibility for their own lives, and that is right for them.

My father told me that they would pay their contribution to my grant and after that I had to figure things out for myself. It helped to know exactly what my budget was and I had to make things fit around that. I did become self-reliant and that has stood me in good stead.

Same here. One DC opened up a LISA as soon as they were 18 and has deposited £4k every year. The other DC has just bought their 25th pair of trainers!

God no. I’m not raising my kids to think they can rely on bank of mum and dad if they make foolish decisions. I will support them as adults in every way possible but it’s so important for them to learn the value of money and how hard people have to work for minimum wage. I plan on being tough but fair to my kids when they are adults.

My mum would help me financially in a heartbeat if I asked her to but I never have because I’d be mortified and now I have a family of my own, I think the relationship has changed and I worry about her and how she will manage her finances in years to come. I think it’s wrong to be reliant on your parents when you are late 20’s/30’s and in good health.

Not all parents can afford to help. should they go into debt ? Many parents won't help because the young adult are not helping themselves. Like hell would i be working FT to help my 20 something out whilst she wasted money every month. There comes a point where you have to grow up and be independent and responsible. Your lifestyle, your choice.

I really agree with the principal of this.

any tips on how you teach that kind of thing?

my parents never did. I am self taught by trial and error - an expensive way to learn!

My only aim is to be sure that if I die they will be able to survive.

This means I do not 'support' them in everything they do financially - they have to know how to do it without me. I could die tomorrow, so then what?

My kids are actually insulted if I offer to pay for something which they can pay for themselves. They want to be independent, not mummy's boys who can't provide for a partner or family themselves.

Let's face it, there isn't much attractive about a man in their 20's who still gets bailed out by their mum?

And I do hope they get married and have their own family so I'd like to help them be somewhat attractive and a 'good catch'. I'm up for that sort of support

I do observe that some parents who are supporting their adult children and actually doing it for their own selfish reasons - they don't want to let them go - they "like it" having them reliant and enmeshed. I find that pretty grim. You have to let them go and make their own mistakes and their own way - that is how they become independent people who are psychologically well. People do not become psychologically strong and healthy by still being attached to their parents aged 30.