to wonder why parents feel they don't need to financially help their kids after a certain age because they must ‘struggle like we did’ ?

[whatistuesday]

I understand some people literally cannot do this but many can, even if it means a detriment to their own life, for instance one less holiday, a cheaper car etc etc.

But I do not understand why those who can, don’t. People who moan about supporting kids through university, making them take (full) loans that take so long to pay back, making them move out before they’ve had chance to save, charging them rent… the list goes on. The argument always seems to be that the DD or DS needs to learn the value of money or stand on their own two feet… of course, but does that mean you, as a parent, have no responsibility when they turn 18? Are they supposed to magically have money to start out? Even renting you need a deposit, let alone the idea of saving for a mortgage. There’s this idea that ‘well if i suffered, you must too.’ It’s your child!

For context I have had help from my parents but also know they could have done more. I now have dc and would do everything possible to ensure they were financially comfortable as a young adult. And no… I’m not bringing up brats, I work hard and will expect them to, too. But I also don’t want them to launch into debt to get started in life, because I think I deserve a nice holiday or a new car or to order what I want in my weekly shop. I will always make sacrifices where needed, it won’t suddenly end at 18.

I’m in the YABU camp.

Throwing money at adult DC teaches them nothing. Physical and emotional support, when they need it, is far more beneficial.

How would a single parent who has raised 4 children be able to afford everything their DC want - not need! Nobody needs their parents to fund their Uni lifestyle or to buy their first car or to fund their wedding or to stump up the cash for their deposit on a new build house.

Adult DC may NEED help with childcare and support when they are ill etc I’m all for supporting them. There’s not a chance I will find their lifestyle. I can’t afford it! I wouldn’t throw money at them if I could afford it.

At what point does the single parent be able to put their own needs (and wants) above those of their adult children?

20? 30? 50?

Once a parent is done with raising children they have to look at funding their old age… and funeral costs.

Its very easy for posters with young children to say “I will do this, that and the other” about something they can’t possibly comprehend.

Where does the bank of mum and dad stop? What if adult kids starts making financial decisions based on parents being able to step in. I would step in to help my kids if they are struggling but also I would expect them to have a lifestyle to suit their income.

It's likely simply valuing the male child over the female. Many cultures and people are like this. You should discuss it with them. Explain how you feel and potential consequences.

I got next to no help from my parents (they had too many kids very young, then got divorced and turned into absolutely idiots for a while). I worked three jobs at 16, got two degrees, funded my own house purchase and eventually learned to drive - all by myself.

There are a few things I would do for my (imaginary) kids that I didn’t have. I would pay for driving lessons and match fund a car with them. I would pay for them to come home from university each term. I’d let them come home for a fixed amount of time whilst they saved for a deposit.

However, I would expect them to work part time from 16. I’d also expect them to take a student loan which I would then top up. And for sure nobody would be living in my house after 18 if they didn’t have a job or a plan for buying a house.

I’d also be clear that when they have kids they can stand on their own two feet. If you’re old enough for your own kids, you’re old enough to pay for it.

Children in foster care have to leave their foster carers at 21. They are placed in their own flat. They have a support worker and all finances are covered.

I feel for young adults leaving the care system because, very often, the emotional support isn’t there. All finances are covered though. Which doesn’t cut it IMO.

But how many times do we see threads on here where one sibling resents that parents have supported another sibling to the extent that they can't cope alone.
What happens when parents need care and the money is gone on buying houses/cars/holidays for the children
How will people who can't manage now cope when the parents are dead.

I come from a position especially on the last one where "d"sil who's now in her late 60s , has her shopping and other bills paid by mil. She made the decision not to have a job since the mid 90s expecting her husband family to die and leave a fortune. Which didn't happen as his mother spent over 10 years in a care home...he pissed his life away which killed him a year ago. Now mil who's 95 but I'm great health is expected to pick up bill

@ShonaShoop

young people CAN stay with their foster family until they are 21, that would depend on them having a settle placement.
Many will leave at 18, they can leave at 16.
The ‘flats’ may be hostels, ropey bedsits. I wouldnt say all their finances are covered.
Many young people in care are in residential units and do not have a foster family to live with.
@junebirthdaygirl if that wasn’t a throwawat remark and you really would like to foster a young person over the age of 16, you could become a provider of supported lodgings.
My son’s brother is in residential care and turns 16 in October, I am very worried about where he will end up.

Both my parents and my in laws would help me if I asked. I do manage on my own though.
I paid for driving lessons for ds1 for about 4 months and then made him get a weekend job to help pay for them. He's a saver though so gave me extra for his savings account. Hes at uni and I can't help but I will help after he's graduated and pay a monthly amount towards his student loans. Ds2 has a job but doesn't want to do lessons. He pays towards the household bills(bare minimum) and I save that money for big purchases for him usually football related.

Both know I can't do much help financially but I can help them with how to deal with finances and help them save towards deposits etc. As a single parent I know that in a year any government financial help will stop so I'm already looking for a full time job.
Both boys know while they are living at home, they'll be expected to contribute to the household bills. Any money they give me though will also go into their savings accounts for their future.

My sentiments exactly. Both my 2 know they won't be living in my house without a job and paying rent.

Even if I earned so much I wouldn't need it, I would still expect them to pay so they aren't under any illusions that life is that easy. There's nothing wrong with teaching your children how rent, utilities, and surprise bills work.

It's the mumsnet way. They are a bunch of miserable twats

A lot of parents don't feel like that, op. I didn't, neither did my husband and we did struggle. We both wanted to ensure our child would not have such worries; we encouraged good work ethic, etc, but were always happy to help out. Now mine is in forties and financially comfortable but well aware others are not and often helps people out, discreetly of course.

I think there's a middle ground where you can support DC but also teach them to support themselves.

Yes. Foster children CAN stay in their foster placements until 21. If, SS or FC, decide not to allow them to stay within their placement they are provided with a flat. They are financially provided for by LA.

That’s exactly the point I was making. These kids, like all kids, would prefer emotional and physical support. Money isn’t everything.

I completely agree with you.

My personal live philosophy is that we should be making things better for the next generation. On both a wide society level, but also individually - why wouldn't I want my child to have a better life than I have had? To me, that's literally the whole point of everything I do!

I agree OP. My parents are very comfortable. I moved out and have never had a thing from them since. They have seen me on the bones of my arse and saw fit to tell me that I needed to work harder. They often offer something, for example, solicitors fees for when I bought my first house then a few weeks later its a loan. I learned that quick though so have never taken them up on any offer. I got through uni, payed for my driving lessons etc. When we are in company they stay very quiet when their friends or other family talk about helping with house purchases, decorating etc. I love them, it's their money but it makes me sad. They have started muttering about moving closer to me for their old age and I keep repeating that I won't be there to help, I have enough on my plate and I do not feel one ounce of guilt due to them passively standing by in the past when I've been skint. There's other reasons too but thats the main one. It was very cruel when 50 quid or a food shop would have helped massively. They have more than enough. I dont expect to be left anything either. They are very weird about me receiving anything from them.

It's a bit of give and take. We've paid for Uni, private school and driving lessons etc but ours have been saving since before they knew they were saving. Half of all birthday money plus some gifts and inheritances went into an account they don't have access to and we'll match it when they need a deposit but if they piss their money up a wall we won't be matching it. It's a lesson they'll have to learn.

It's not about not helping it's about teaching financial responsibility and hoping they've learnt enough not to need you to continually bail them out,

I think it's a matter of "spoon feeding" them when required but also knowing when to stand back and pull away.

When DS started secondary school, we did a lot of "spoon feeding" to help him with homework, pack his rucksack, take him and pick him up on bad weather days (long walk in the rain otherwise!). I'm sure people would say we "spoon fed" him, but it didn't last long, just to help his transition, and we pulled away from that pretty quickly once he was established.

Same with his GCSEs etc - we basically sat with him to help him plan revision, sourced revision/exam practice books for him, "nudged" him constantly to revise, etc., but when it came to 6th form and A levels, we left him to it and didn't get involved at all.

Same at Uni, we did a lot of preparatory work to help him choose a course, choose a uni, choose accommodation type, buy him clothes, kitchen equipment, bedding, etc and set him up with a couple of week's worth of food. But then left him to it (as most people do). He went to a uni close to us, so at first, we even took him groceries and did some of his washing (not for long - just a couple of months - now he does all his own).

It's been our philosophy all the way through, to help him at every stage of life's changes, but also to pull back pretty quickly. It's what we're about to do this Summer when he leaves Uni, moves to a new city for his first "proper" job, rent a flat, buy a car, etc. We're going to be there by his side to help him make decisions and to help out financially, but, likewise, we'll be pulling back pretty quickly and will expect him to sort things out for himself (including financing), when it comes to moving to a new flat, buying his next car, changing jobs, etc.

We're really against the "sink or swim" philosophy. We have no doubt at all that DS could manage to do everything himself without our guidance, but why shouldn't we help him out, help stop him making mistakes, point him in the right direction, etc? Surely that's part of being a parent, and you're still a parent once they turn 18! The key is to pull back at the right time to prevent dependency.

Fully agree. I'd hate to think our son would suffer in the same way that we did, when we're more than capable of helping him out, from both financial and life experience points of view. We want him to fly high in his adult life and open up opportunities to him that we never had. What parent wouldn't? I find the whole "we struggled, so why shouldn't our children" mentality very strange indeed!

I gave my eldest DC a large deposit (70k) towards a property and have the same put by for my two younger DC.
I wouldn’t even think to give up one of my holidays so they can have one.
We supported them through uni, paid fir driving lessons, set up LISAs but I’m not funding their day to day lifestyle.
I am 54 and they are 23 to 34.

My mum would help me if I needed it and she had it. Not an ongoing thing where she would pay my rent while I was at uni but if I was ever stuck she would help me out. She also has bought every single one of my babies a “big” thing like a pram, good sling carrier etc and is always sending my children things like clothes, money for days out etc without me ever asking. Even the £20 in my sons bank for a day out with his friends is a great help for me as it lessens the burden of paying for days out etc when we have 5 kids and I’m on maternity leave.

I hope I can do the same for my own kids but I do see sometimes that when people have lots and lots of help they become less self sufficient. I have a work colleague who working 6 nightshifts a week even though her house etc was paid off and mortgage free, purely to help her 23 year old daughter reduce her own hours. For no reason other than the daughter found full time hours “a lot”.

My parents never asked for rent while I was in full time education. However I had to work part time, as they wouldn't pay for clothes, or anything else. This meant I could move out at age 23, and afford to co-buy a home. So they did support me in terms of no rent and food, but I still had to work to buy anything outside of that. That encouraged independence and an understanding of costs/value of money.

Sorry l am in lreland but l do think it's a very worrying situation. Here we do have half way support houses where a housewares helps them to get on their feet with a focus on cooking/ budgeting/ lifestyles and career.
Is there anything like that available.

DS gets support from us by paying a hugely reduced rent of £250 a month. We could have a lodger in there and get £625, I don’t feel too bad. We’re also paying for his C1 driving qualification this year (approx £1k) so that he can become an ECA and then apply to be a paramedic in a year or two. I don’t think he’s doing too badly out of us 🤷‍♀️

For me it's about balance, I help and will help my DC but it's my money and there are limits.

For example I would not be funding a huge wedding as I think big wedding are a waste of money especially if they are moanjng they can't afford a deposit. I recognise this comes across as controlling but it isn't because I will just offer to pay for things I think are important. I don't (haven't got) money to give willy nilly so will pay for things and support in that way. I dont want my children to expect help but know that if push comes to shive I'm there fir them.