to wonder why parents feel they don't need to financially help their kids after a certain age because they must ‘struggle like we did’ ?

[whatistuesday]

I understand some people literally cannot do this but many can, even if it means a detriment to their own life, for instance one less holiday, a cheaper car etc etc.

But I do not understand why those who can, don’t. People who moan about supporting kids through university, making them take (full) loans that take so long to pay back, making them move out before they’ve had chance to save, charging them rent… the list goes on. The argument always seems to be that the DD or DS needs to learn the value of money or stand on their own two feet… of course, but does that mean you, as a parent, have no responsibility when they turn 18? Are they supposed to magically have money to start out? Even renting you need a deposit, let alone the idea of saving for a mortgage. There’s this idea that ‘well if i suffered, you must too.’ It’s your child!

For context I have had help from my parents but also know they could have done more. I now have dc and would do everything possible to ensure they were financially comfortable as a young adult. And no… I’m not bringing up brats, I work hard and will expect them to, too. But I also don’t want them to launch into debt to get started in life, because I think I deserve a nice holiday or a new car or to order what I want in my weekly shop. I will always make sacrifices where needed, it won’t suddenly end at 18.

OP this is a very common attitude in many areas of life, I see it very often. "I had a hard time so I'm not going to help others." it's bad enough when people treat strangers with this kind of cruel indifference but it's even worse when it's your own kids!

I fully expect ds to take out a loan for uni if he goes. There is just no way I’m paying those exorbitant fees. Yikes.

That said I will help out with other things and he’ll always have a roof over his head here. This is his home and there’s no way I agree with kicking someone out as soon as they turn 18. My mother did that while I was still doing my A-Levels and it was hard. I had no money, no savings (as one of my scummy brothers raided my bank account and I only found out when I was being kicked out) and had to rely on friends. I had to couch surf for an entire year while I worked like a dog for a pittance and a deposit on something that wasn’t a crummy bedsit in the rough end of town. I had to put of going to university for 3 years. 😡

It really irked as my mum could afford to let me stay a little longer. She thinks it was a good life lesson. I think she was unnecessarily cruel.

I doubt we will be in a financial position to give our kids deposits for houses etc, and not entirely sure I would do it even if we were in that position.

My parents are comfortably off but I don't expect help from them. I would be horrified if they were to do without a holiday to give me money. They have worked hard their entire lives and deserve holidays in their later years.

The reality is these days it's not just younger people struggling. Older parents maybe want to keep some money aside so they can afford home assistance or be able to choose a care home that they like for example.

My MiL was discouraged from doing well in 11+ and left school at 15 to go into full time work and contributed to household income. Her parents couldn’t afford for her not to be working.

When she married she wouldn’t have expected her home to have all the ‘luxuries’ we now expect.

@LadyCreampuff are your parents both retired?

I just don't think the situations are comparable. When I went to university there were no tuition fees, and when my mum was there she got a grant for living costs as well as no fees. Houses could be bought on a single wage, its just not a level playing field. I think you can still raise independent young people while accounting for the fact that it just was easier when we were younger.

@TriggeredByGravy
What do you mean by full support ? that suggests you will bankroll your kids indefinitely ? ?

@Regretsandregrets doesn't your DD feel that she should be contributing to the household. I can't imagine being in my 30s and sponging off my retired DM

Same here, but my parents clearly didn't feel like that about me, they were comfortable lived in big heated houses always off on holidays, while I struggled.
At the time I didn't think anything of it I never expected anything from them, but when I had my own children I felt very different and couldn't see them struggling while I was comfortable.
I once repeated the quip that 'you are only as happy as your unhappiest child' to one of my parents and they looked at me blankly, I realized that they just don't identify with me or feel my pain at all whereas I feel acutely the pains and sufferings of my children.
But hey ho, what goes around comes around!
my parents didn't care about me so I don't have to care about them, now that they are elderly I can relax and not think about them 🤷
I feel a strong sense of duty towards my children but none whatsoever towards my parents. Looking back it seems to me that they felt a strong sense of duty towards their parents but very little towards me and it ended when I reached 18.

Parents are just regular people, some are selfish and some are not, some have misplaced views on stuff and others don't. I do think a balance is good personally. I went to university with someone from unimaginable wealth, their parents paid their fees and rent but they got a part time job (which the rest of us also had alongside studying) for money for going out, food, clothes etc. They could have afforded to give them a generous allowance but I thought that was brilliant really- appreciate the value of money by earning it with a safety net knowing they'd always have a home and didn't have to take a loan.

But that’s based on your personal experience, not everyone’s. Life can be very difficult financially for all sorts of reasons. My life was exceptionally hard financially because of health problems preventing me working. Everyone has their own sack full of problems.

I’m raising my kids to be frugal individuals and value money. I probably will help them later if I can but my philosophy is that money isn’t what makes you happy. It’s being productive, having a sense of community surrounded my people who love you. That’s where the value is.

I don’t even think University is necessarily the answer for so many of our young folk. Yes there are careers where you have to go to Uni but there are plenty of careers where you can work and climb the ladder career wise. Similarly with ridiculously over priced boxes.

Maybe there are other ways to be housed in the future. It might become more common to live communally for example. I’m raising my kids to think out of the box a little more and not think they have to go to Uni, get married, but a property, have kids. For so many people this is all societal expectations and nothing to do with what we actually want.

I had no ‘help’ from my parents because there was nothing for them to give.

I imagine there are many families like mine, ordinary working class families, dad working, mum part time working until the kids were older, not poor but far from rich, or even comfortable,
There was money for what was needed and two weeks in Wales in the summer, and Sunday school outings. My mum shopped in Kwiksave and the local shops. I wouldnt say we had any luxuries.
When my father died my inheritance was £2000. It paid off a small credit card debt and I bought a table and chairs for the garden.
I don’t anticipate anything from my mother as they have had to release equity from the house to pay for adaptions so they can live in their home as long as possible. Anything left would be split 4 ways so not exactly life changing.

I am in a better position than my parents. Better pension provision, but far from multiple luxury cruises/expensive holiday territory.

My son, at 18, does need to contribute to the household budget, if he wants to enjoy the same standard of living. He is going off to university and I will kit him out with what he needs. I’m taking redundancy in 7 weeks and can give him a few thousand for a car and new laptop.
When I take a pension in three years I have earmarked about £10k for him from my lump sum.
But thats it, I need the rest because my house needs some work and for an emergency fund. I will probably treat us to a big holiday. Not do I intend to spend my retirement penny pinching so I can subsidise a working adult.

So I am far from poor, a bit more comfortable than my parents were at the same stage in life, but much as I would like to, I don’t have thousands of pounds sitting around to fund uni, weddings and house deposits.

Well it's swings and roundabouts between what you can afford, and what you are suggesting should be provided to them, surely? And also, personality of the young adult has an impact too, i.e. are they the type who demands that others have to support them? Helping them out by lending a deposit for a room in a shared house is one thing, but providing a house deposit is another. Or allowing them to live rent free, while they are happy to spend money on keeping up with friends.

DD is at uni. She gets a loan, which covers accommodation. She also gets given a monthly amount from us, but it doesn't take her up to what the full loan would be if she qualified. She needed a good talking to to go get a part time job, as she didn't see why she should have to. Not because it would interfere with uni, but with her social life. The money we were giving her to live on was funding 3 nights out a week.

She's now got a weekend job, as well as what we gave her. She was complaining the other day of not much food in the flat. If I'd just heard that with nothing else, I might have paid for an extra food shop. However, within the last month, she had paid to get her nails done, had at least 3 nights out that she's mentioned and been on a 5 day trip abroad with friends. Her priorities aren't there yet (and yes, I've offered several times to sit and do a budget with her).

I can and will make sure that she has enough so she has a good standard of living, but I can't ensure that she spends it wisely, and I definitely don't agree with keeping on topping her up so she can keep up a lifestyle that's not within her budget if she blows it.

We also won't be providing a deposit/ car for her. We're still paying our own mortgage, and will be for the next 25 years. She was encouraged to work from being 14, by the way, to pay for the luxuries she wants in life, and in general has worked from then, even if only a shift a week.

I don't get the mentality either... my parents were helped with their first house purchase, have been helped by relatives and left huge sums of money in wills. They in turn charged me full rent/bills, first car and driving lessons were paid for by me (car was bought as a surprise by them and I was then handed a payment schedule to repay!) and they haven't helped at all with my house purchase. I was skint and in debt for years - we have only just gotten on our feet in reality. No way will I subject my kids to the same if we can help them.

I agree with you OP to some extent. My parents for example take the "No one helped us, we had to work and save up" attitude but completely ignore that they benefited hugely from low house prices (their four bedroom detached seaside home was bought for just £14k) and "free" degrees. I don't want to make life too easy for my own kids so that they think they needn't try but provided they show the right attitude to work I will be helping them with house deposits etc. My son is about to go to uni and only qualifies for the minimum loan (tuition only I think) and we're happy to support him as he is passionate about his subject and has no other way of funding himself (he can get a part time job for any extra spends but he needs to spend most of his time actually doing the degree!). We won't be paying the tuition fees as even Martin Lewis advises borrowing it as it may never need paying back. If/ when it does and its hampering him getting a mortgage we can look at helping him pay it off then if it seems fair in the circumstances. However my in laws spoilt their two youngest children rotten - private education, cars, properties, thinking they were giving them a good start in life. In reality it meant they were entitled and bone idle because everything was provided, so they didn't need to bother making any effort. Wasted lives ...

I didn't add. My husband is in the exact same position as me.

My father was left millions by his father which have given my in-laws a very comfortable life.

They took out loans on behalf of my husband so that he could pay for his wedding.

They have never helped my husband.

My son admitted that one day he didn't have enough money for petrol ⛽️ and only just got to a petrol station as he had to wait until he was paid to fill up. I told him off and said he should contact us if it happened again.
They have good jobs but are struggling on times as they are paying for their wedding. We have them £25K to buy their house and will give 1K for the wedding.
I always buy them food when we visit. (They live 5 hrs away from us.)
I will also give them some money for their honeymoon.

I agree with you, OP. My parents are far from wealthy but they are fairly comfortable in retirement.
I am 41 and my dad still offers me money occasionally based on a glib comment I may make about money - I don't take it but its nice to know he has my back if I really truly needed help.

I’d give my children everything if l had it. They are my most important life’s work.

My MIL has said this in the past too, not in a spiteful way more just a reflection.

I find it really weird, I want my kids’ lives to be better than mine, so I want them to have things we didn’t have e.g. house deposits and some childcare from us, where possible.

But there is definitely a school of thought that “we suffered and therefore that is how it must always be”, which is very odd to me

There definitely is a middle ground between standing by and watching your children homeless vs. OP's "would do everything possible to ensure they were financially comfortable as a young adult".
**
The latter makes it sound like at least one party will be uncomfortable, which I do think is a step too far to make a young adult financially comfortable.
The so called "unearned income" is still a very new concept for the young and in every instance I've observed where this support is substantial, it has resulted in considerable educational and career under-achievement. The career one in particular, as guaranteed money-flow creates plenty of "Forever a Student".

Can't blame the young uns', I'd coast too with a guaranteed stipend from parents and a 1.2mil house coming my way in the form of inheritance from Gran.

I'd support my child but not "with everything possible". And what is possible, would be managed in terms of what for. Not all causes are equal.

Just had the in-laws here. Honestly I'm disgusted by them.
I've known them 25 years, remember them working. They are mid 80s and think they will live for ever, no power of attorney, no medical direction. Their capital is tied up in a Buy to let that is really shabby but because it's below market rent that's apparently ok plus a generous final salary pension. There will be inheritance tax to pay. The cost of living has not affected them.
I'm busting a gut, carrying the family mental load whilst their son climbs the career ladder, worried about uni costs for my teens.
And DD is getting just a token for her 18th from them.
They have inherited several houses over the years but the wealth has not trickled down. What are they saving it for? They judge every time we spend money, resent people having a better pair of Wellington's or a nicer garden furniture and have spent more on second kitchen appliances then I did buying midrange once.
They have totally done my head in and I'm considering divorcing DH cos I have seen the future.

My parents didn't have much to give, but would beggar themselves to help us, their children and so, when I could, and because I wanted to and not felt I had to, I helped them happily. I never expected anything, from anyone, so anything given with love was a bonus. I now support my nieces and nephews where we can and even friend's adult children, so treat them / support where able. People do what people want to and it has always been the way that some give and others keep to themselves. Not just about the here and now, but the person and there wanting to help others.

Hmmmm, I agree but I have a caveat.
I think that with rights and support comes responsibility.

I believe that when the next generation grows up they should support their parents in older age where possible. I don't subscribe to the Mumsnet idea of not owing your parents anything, especially if they were decent parents. Notwithstanding abusive childhoods/neglect/trauma etc, I expect a level of care and support from my children if I'm going to be sacrificing into adulthood.

Parental responsibility stops at 18, but young people do need a lot of support going forwards especially now. I will support my daughter but I expect her to step up and be decent to me/her siblings when needed (within reason)

It’s about balance. Helping them with their education so they can help themselves has been our main goal. We are trying to squirrel money away for dc house deposits where we can but it’s not easy while paying for uni and travel costs despite both of our dc have pt jobs to supplement their income. That’s just the reality nowadays.

You are not doing your adult child any favours if you are constantly subsidising nights out and manicures.

Everyone has different priorities but adult children sometimes forget that it might be a last chance for older working parents to get that new kitchen or go on a last holiday - things they won’t be able to afford to do once retired - and adult dc still have time to build up savings.

I know a couple who bought a tiny boat for themselves for their retirement after a lifetime of dreaming about it, working ft, and raising three dc. One of their dc got in to ridiculous credit card debt and the boat has now been been sold.

Another friend with an only child is extremely well off with a large inheritance from her parents, but she would have far preferred to have been able to give her only child a sibling rather than financial help.

I'm somewhere in the middle. My parents had less money when I was growing up compared to my siblings (big age gap) and I am the best with money out of all of them. It taught me to budget, where to save costs and where to spend a bit more, what is essential and what isn't.

So whilst yes I wouldn't let my children go homeless, I wouldn't throw them £100 just so they could afford netflix or the newest phone contract etc.

Also re taking out the student loan - often this makes the most financial sense, especially for women if they are going to take career breaks or go part time to have children. I'll never pay my loan off so instead I just pay an extra 9% tax over a threshold. Much cheaper than paying £50k up front.