to wonder why parents feel they don't need to financially help their kids after a certain age because they must ‘struggle like we did’ ?

[whatistuesday]

I understand some people literally cannot do this but many can, even if it means a detriment to their own life, for instance one less holiday, a cheaper car etc etc.

But I do not understand why those who can, don’t. People who moan about supporting kids through university, making them take (full) loans that take so long to pay back, making them move out before they’ve had chance to save, charging them rent… the list goes on. The argument always seems to be that the DD or DS needs to learn the value of money or stand on their own two feet… of course, but does that mean you, as a parent, have no responsibility when they turn 18? Are they supposed to magically have money to start out? Even renting you need a deposit, let alone the idea of saving for a mortgage. There’s this idea that ‘well if i suffered, you must too.’ It’s your child!

For context I have had help from my parents but also know they could have done more. I now have dc and would do everything possible to ensure they were financially comfortable as a young adult. And no… I’m not bringing up brats, I work hard and will expect them to, too. But I also don’t want them to launch into debt to get started in life, because I think I deserve a nice holiday or a new car or to order what I want in my weekly shop. I will always make sacrifices where needed, it won’t suddenly end at 18.

@NeverEverA

Is your husband misery-tight too?
Your inlaws are like mine (ex-inlaws and I went no contact with them whilst married ) , but my ExH was generous to a fault. Still is.
FIL lent 1.5k to my ExH to divorce me and then put interest on it 😂 Creeps 🤷‍♀️

@tinytemper66 what sort of wedding are they having? No-one should get into debt for a wedding (but that doesn't mean they should get family to pay for it). Petrol is more important than what in the end is a fancy party. They could go to the registry office and have meal afterwards with £1k you are giving them.

This is one of the issues, when my parents got married and had their first house, it was teeny, would have had second hand white goods (if any), no tv. DM would make some of her own clothes and all curtains etc. They had a small wedding and gifts would have been things for their new house, but practical not a fancy dinner service. They scrimped and saved for other things they needed.

Now couples expect a lot more and want everything now

Well I'm raising adults not parasites. That doesn't mean I'd ever help in any circumstance but I'm damned if I'm going to live a miserable old age so my kids don't have to experience a drop in living standards, or move straight from home into their own homes.

..doesn't mean I'd never help...

So parents have to struggle and then carry on watching the coin so their adult kids are financially sorted?

People need to be able to enjoy life later on. They're not obliged to help pay for house deposits or other shite for their grown up kids.

In a house with nice grounds. They are paying for it monthly. Her parents are not giving them anything. It is nothing fancy and costs less than 10K I believe. He doesn't say much about the wedding. I gave him money there and then to fill up his tank. I don't think they are struggling like some but he says it has gotten tight a couple of times.

I will keep financially supporting my teen as a young adult as long as she keeps working hard. If she isn’t in full time education or isn’t working on her career then she would be hurting her own future. Supporting her financially while she languished and did nothing or only worked part-time would not be in her best interests.

There's a difference between letting your kids struggle and encouraging them to get jobs and stand on their own feet.

I also am from a background that had zero money but have managed to dig myself out of it. It means I'm now an avid saver for a rainy day and a great budgeter. Those are valuable life lessons you don't learn when you always have the "oh mum and/or dad will just pay for this" option.

I expect my children to at least attempt to be financially independent. This is lost sometimes when they have the bank of mum and dad. If my kids fall on hard times and can't afford basic necessities of course I'm going to help them financially if I'm able. I don't think they should expect an entire house deposit from me though, especially if they spend their youths pissing money down the drain and saving absolutely nothing.

Honestly, whilst I'll always have a safe place for my children to live at any point in their lives (as long as I have a roof over my head), I'm not going to continue to financially struggle to fund their choices as an adult. Living with me will mean they pay a fair contribution towards living expenses and they share the load of being an adult in a working household.

It's not about "I struggled so you have to too" but more "Why should I continue to struggle now you're an adult?"

Surely at some point I'm allowed to take the pressure off my shoulders and live a little, God forbid have a holiday somewhere?

There's a balance between being your children's security and letting your children take advantage of your kindness...which frankly does them no favours in the real world.

Of course they need help and support. But I don't agree with your examples buying them a car if they could save for it themselves, at the cost of your own holiday, doesn't really help them stand on their own two feet. I wouldn't do that. Not to punish them, but to teach them financial indepedence and responsibility. I would probably offer them a loan though so they didn't waste money on high interest.

I will support my children to get jobs so they can support themselves and help them out. But I won't be spending my golden years on tesco value meals, counting pennies and sitting at home in the cold to ensure they can have everything they desire without working for it.

@tinytemper66 but that's £10k they don't need to spend.

It's interesting how there re quite a few threads at the moment where people are saying parents aren't helping their adult DC enough eg financially, complaining about being charged nominal amount for a holiday, being morally obliged to provide free childcare. I wonder if all these posters will be providing everything to their DC when they are adults, that they are complaining their parents aren't providing

I agree. Parents should help their adult children if they can - and at the very least they should teach them about borrowing and not favour one child over the rest. Unfortunately I was not on the receiving end of my parent’s generosity but my estranged sibling was yet wasted it all and became a thieving scum queen.

The fishing analogy was good.

I did go without so my kids could have certain educational things growing up eg music lessons. Ds is now at conservatoire and already starting to earn money through his music. I helped him with equipment/musical instruemts for this, I also helped dd with rent when she moved to London to further her training/career.

The things I help with are things that will ultimately help them to progress and be able to support themselves.

YANBU. My parents gave us no help at all, always pleading poverty, etc., which meant we got married later, bought a house later, only had one child, etc., as we really struggled financially in our 20's, both having longer term "trainee" jobs where it took us several years to qualify and finally get decent wages after years of very low earnings. We inherited in our late 40s by which time we were settled financially ourselves and didn't need it anymore! Although grateful for the inheritance, it was also very annoying to discover the amount of money they had, and we could work backwards to how much they were sat on when we were really struggling in our early 20's when they were pleading poverty and that they had no money to help us!

We've therefore "ring fenced" that inheritance for our son. He doesn't know how much money there is and isn't expecting much from us. But we're adopting a kind of 50:50 policy with him, so drip-feeding him the money when he wants to pay bills, buy things, etc. During his uni years, he has been financed 50% by student loan and the other 50% by us, so we've matched his student loan, which has given him enough to live on without having to take a part time job (we'd rather he concentrated on getting a degree!).

He's got a job starting this Summer in a different city, and we've already told him we'll match him 50:50 when he buys a car, and for his living costs as he'll be on "trainee" wages for around 5 years, which won't pay for his rent, utilities, food, petrol, etc., etc. He doesn't know it yet, but we'll match him 50:50 for a house deposit in a few years time. He wouldn't have been able to accept the job if we weren't going to help fund his living costs etc. It's an investment in his future (i.e. time and effort in taking around 15 professional exams over several years!), as once he's qualified, he'll be on BIG money and have brilliant career prospects, so we need to help him get there, and taking away his money worries will be a big part of that.

I agree totally OP, the number of people who have more or less kicked out their 18 yr old and refusing to help financially is astonishing and sad.
I have my dc stating at home with me, saving for a deposit for a house while helping towards the household bills.It’s a positive all round.

Once they move out, if the need arises, I will sacrifice some of my wants to help them out.
I find the mentality of “they’re an adult now and they have to find their own way”, while not offering help, quite alien.

Yes to an extent. It doesn't make financial sense to pay your child's university fees (the fees not rent and maintenance. The fees.) no matter how you look at the figures.
But I agree with everything else. My mum has so many friends whose children are paying fortunes in rent and really really struggling despite working multiple jobs etc whilst the parent is off on multiple cruises with multiple homes and new cars etc. Its absolutely mind boggling. Their argument is "well I struggled!" But in nearly all cases they didn't struggle at all compared to their own kids. It's bizarre imho.

Just about everyone I know of the same sort of age - relatives or friends - has helped their dcs to some extent - often with buying a property, among other things. We all know how much harder it is, now that house prices are so much less affordable than they were when we were at the same stage.

I consider anyone who could well afford to help, but won’t, to be very selfish. I just hope their dcs will tell them to whistle, if they ever need help in their old age.

Both sets of parents live 5hrs drive away so won't be expecting us to babysit/be used as childcare. They will never (probably never) line in their home town again. She is at the start of her career and will earn good money the further she trains; she is a junior doctor 👩‍⚕️. He is in the forces but not an officer at the moment. We still enjoy regular holidays and we are both still working at the moment, although my husband is part time and I want to drop a day at work in September. If I couldn't afford it, we wouldn't go without to help them in the way we do.

I agree op it's like stasti nazi camp in some households when someone turns 18.

Of course not people who genuinely can't help or need support themselves but if you can help a little why not.

I'm trying to get dc financially educated from a really young age. I'm fully aware it's going to be a process and one dc may get it and one may never get it!

What I strongly dislike is families giving dc no support at all and expecting them to magically be infused with knowing how much things cost!

Our dc have seen our budgets. They know about taxes. They are us seperating our money for different things.

Money should be in context for them. They have bank card.

I've got two DDs, early 20s. We've helped one out with living costs at uni, we've bought them a car to share whilst they learnt to drive at 17, and one each later on. We take them on holidays and pay, and we also pay for meals out etc.

They both work and they are both grateful for all of this. We are mid 50s and both still work but when we retire we won't be able to help as much, and I also want to travel and eat out and have a lovely time.

We've done our best and it gets to a point where it has to be up to them. Obv if we inherited money or came into a windfall we would def help with deposits on houses etc.

How much help though? Should you give an entire house deposit? Pay all their tuition fee loans?

My in-laws charged us rent when we finished uni but they were providing support, it was cheaper rent and we were able to save. Our parents each gave us a little bit when we got engaged/married but we still had to save hard to pay for most of the wedding. They also gave us a small amount when we had DD but month to month we still have to pay nursery fees and it’s tight but we can do it. I don’t expect any of our parents to pay our nursery bill for us. Our parents would have probably offered loans to purchase new cars but we didn’t want to ask because we didn’t want to be reliant on our parents.

I hope to teach my DD how to save and budget but support her when I can. We will be saving for our retirement so we’re not dependent on her when we are older. That means we probably won’t be able to pay all her university loans and yes, we’ll tell her that we’ve had to pay our loans off ourselves but I’ll send her money towards her bills if I can afford it. We probably won’t be able to give her a large deposit towards a house but we can probably help with a smaller amount or perhaps furnishing. So she will struggle and I’ll help when I can. I plan on telling my DD that we have saved for our retirement including any care we might need. She shouldn’t feel a debt to us if we need care and she isn’t able to personally provide care for us. It means she might struggle a bit more setting up when she’s younger but she won’t be juggling our care and her life when she’s older.

I also wouldn't expect help of my dad (my mother passed away) or DH's parents for general life things. Both sets of parents helped fund university and we were able to live at home untill we were ready and able to move out (first rented). What comes after that is up to us, as adults, to manage taking into account our finances. I had some inheritance which of course helped (and before anyone suggests I am lucky, I would clearly rather still have my mum), but even without it I wouldn't have expected them to go without to fund my lifestyle choices.

I hope to help my children in a similar way and if we can easily afford it we may gift some money for things like a deposit or a interest free loan.

Oh and I paid nominal rent when I lived at home and was working.

I cannot imagine being a fully functioning adult in my 30s with a decent wage and contributing nothing to the household!

I 100 % agree with this - my parents made the choice to have 3 children but stopped giving anything as soon as we turned 18 years old. No help with further education, no help with anything…my brother was in massive financial disarray for no fault on his own, he was to be homeless with a wife and newborn baby. He asked help from my parents, they said no. They could have helped, they have the money. I promised myself that I will always try to help my children if I’m in position to do so. I’m nothing like my parents