DP can’t keep his hands off of me

[7whiteclouds]

DP has always had a high sex drive; I’ve always had a lower one.

we have been together 10+ years and have children together.

he has always enjoyed receiving physical affection; I appreciate thoughtful acts higher than physical affection.

we clearly have differences in how we like to show and receive affection but somehow we’ve always managed to make it work. Despite the usual moan of “you don’t give me enough physical affection” whenever we have an unrelated fall out.
I’ve recently discovered that this transcribes as “you don’t initiate sexual intimacy with me”.

over the years we’d probably have sex once per week on average - usually initiated by DP. He’d usually be quite touchy feely with me at other times during the week, but wouldn’t push for things to go further if I’d said no. However, over the past 6 months DP appears to literally want his hands all over me 24/7 and seems to want sex daily. He says it’s because he’s attracted to me, he wants to feel close to me, and also wants sex. I however, don’t. I’m still happy for the usual once per week.

however to me, I constantly feel like I’m being groped and feel like he has his hands all over me just so he can try and get sex. He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times. Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further. I constantly feel like I’m having to apologise for saying no because I’m not in the mood/unwell/stressed/tired/just don’t want sex.

I have had multiple big talks (and arguments) with him about how I’m not comfortable with this, he says he understands my point but nothing seems to have changed, despite him
Saying he’ll calm it down.

it’s getting to the point where I feel like he’s an actual “sex pest” and it’s pushing me further and further away.

we don’t have the best of relationships, but this is just making me at times feel cold towards him.

I don’t know what to do next as he clearly isn’t listening to me?

He doesn't have a right to your body because you're married, because of your past sexual history together or for any other reason.

If he persists on groping you when you repeatedly tell him "no" that makes him a sexual assaulter - again, the fact that you're married males no difference. Even marital rape has been illegal now for over 30 years.

That is totally understandable. I think so much abuse is like a boiled frog situation where it creeps up on you in small steps that you can shrug off when they happen until

Sorry my phone had a blip

I think so much abuse is like a boiled frog situation where it creeps up on you in small steps that you can shrug off when they happen until suddenly something happens to make you realise those small things are now one big huge screaming thing that's very wrong

If you agree it's abuse then you shouldn't let the factors you've listed hinder you from leaving him.

Would you advise your DC or another relative to remain in a situation they perceive to be abuse?

Clearly it's affecting you to the extent you're seeking support from us strangers on the net. Leave the man, and enjoy the rest of your life. Everything else will figure itself out and you will (hopefully) find a partner more suited.

Explain to him that every time he feels you up inappropriately you get the ick factor and puts you completely off

Ew, OP, that’s gross. 💯 not on.

Find the words to make it clear to him that you will not tolerate it. When he does it, look in him in the eyes and lower the tone of your voice and firmly say “Stop that immediately.”

If he doesn’t, you have to leave him.

100% I’d tell my DC that this behaviour was unacceptable and to leave the relationship if after more than one attempt at asking him to change the behaviour he didn’t.

however I also feel like I have to consider their current quality of life at present… I would be risking losing their home, potentially becoming homeless in a climate where there aren’t even any private houses to rent in my area, they’d go from a home with an almost 6 figure income to a home having to claim benefits (no judgment to those on benefits - just stating to show the difference) - I would do my utmost to ensure they still led a life as close as possible to what they’re used to, but I have to remember that my decisions impact upon them and at present, I’m not sure how prepared I am to jeopardise that…at the expense of my own happiness and self respect.

completely aware how hypocritical I sound though.

Why are you entitled to nothing if the marriage ends? Why would you be homeless? This seems bonkers!

We currently private rent our home and aren’t married, so other than weekly child maintenance payments, there’s not an awful lot for me to leave with I don’t believe?

I am so sorry. No, you are not being unreasonable. On the other hand, he is not being unreasonable, either. Your sexual drives are what they are. The only unreasonable thing is that the two of you, with such VERY different drives, seem to think that one of you must completely give in to the other, and the "giving in" is apparently switching off between you. I'm very much afraid that this is somewhat like hitching a Percheron horse to a miniature donkey, and expecting to plow an entire field of straight rows. They may work fairly well in tandem for a row or two, but over time, they cannot do it any longer. Either one is pushing the other too fast, or one is holding the other back, and neither is being very effective at getting the job done (the field, in this case, being a fulfilling life for both).

I would be screaming 'take your fucking hands off me' at the the top of my voice. And I would ltb.

OP, you do realise that your children will benefit far more from a happy Mum, than from material things, don't you? Even if they don't see him groping you, they will sense that things aren't good between you, and may well end up feeling like they're walking on eggshells without knowing why. If you can't get him to put a stop to this, then you really do need to leave him, and not just for your own benefit, but for his as well, AND that of your children, as he's clearly not happy with the sexual incompatibility in your relationship, and would ultimately be happier with someone who has a much higher sex drive than you do. The fact is, that NO man is entitled to sex with a woman, whether a complete stranger or his wife/partner, and he needs to learn to respect that, if he wants his relationship and his family to remain as is. I therefore think that a serious conversation is in order, at a time when you won't be disturbed, and in that conversation you need to lay down the law, about what you will and won't accept. It sounds like you currently have a large household income, so is your house big enough that you could live in it separately if needs be, ie. you tell him that if he continues to paw you, you will move into another room, and the physical relationship between you will be over permanently. That may be a way of making him realise you mean what you say.

Could you get him into mediation then? If you can agree non-acrimoniously that you are fundamentally incompatible, maybe you can work out a separation while co-habiting until you can both find affordable alternative housing. Surely he isn’t going to want to make his kids homeless? I know it would be more satisfying to storm out and LTB but it doesn’t seem like that’s an option… you can’t stay with a persistent sex-pest who keeps going when you say No!

so if a woman only has sex with her husband once a week he is not being unreasonable to sexually harass her after she has said no?

Blimey how often is she expected to sleep with him to avoid sexual assault?

Do you not have savings as you said between you you have good earnings? (I'm not judging if you don't just trying to understand the situation)

This seems the logical solution. You're incompatible.

This man will never change. I spent 13 years with a sex pest and it just went on and on. I had three small children and was a SAHM, so I felt stuck. I reached the end of the road though and told him to move out. I retrained and qualified in a good job. I managed to pay the mortgage and raise my three kids. He never paid a penny towards their upkeep.

it can be done @7whiteclouds. Start planning your way out because your relationship can only end one way. Best of luck. 🌺

Do you like other things about him? Do you get on otherwise? Cause if it’s just the sex thing, you could consider ‘opening’ up your marriage? It would give him the freedom or oppurtunity to do as he pleases sexually but still provide you with the financial security you need to continue in your career? And it might only be the sex you arnt compatible with. Imagine how good it might be if he felt sexually fulfilled all the time? And you didnt feel pawed at? Probably back like it was when you first met!

He’s started this out of the blue in the last six months? I’d be having a peek at his search/browsing history. Unfortunately it is shockingly easy for men to google something like “want more sex” or “wife doesn’t want as much sex” and land themselves on misogynistic manosphere pages. In fact, one of the suggestions in the “married red pill” group is to constantly touch, grope, and attempt to initiate with their wives if they want more sex instead of just accepting less than they want. It might at least give you an idea of what you’re dealing with.

He does need it spelled out to him that he is a desperate sex pest that is behaving in an extremely unattractive manner. Don’t continue having sex with him weekly if he’s putting you off of it. Only do it if it’s what you want. He needs to change his behaviour.

I'm appalled that there are actually women posting here who see the behaviour of this sex pest as reasonable.

Although his grumbling, moaning and often unkind comments were a part of it, this was the reason I ended a 20 year relationship about 18 months ago. I could have written your post. It drove me up the wall.

A key problem is that you are not meeting his needs. He is expressing himself in an unattractive way that is making you feel uncomfortable, and clearly he should stop. But fundamentally, he wants more physical intimacy, which you cannot or are unwilling to provide. If you do not find him sufficiently attractive or cannot meet his desires for intimacy, then he should leave the relationship if it is important enough to him.

He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc,

A man who instigates sex at inappropriate times is not instigating sex. He’s just assaulting you. You’re actually being sexually assaulted in your own home and that’s just absolutely intolerable.

It will have got worse because abuse always does. I appreciate the situation you are in and therefore you must come down hard while you find a way to get away from him. My advice is to stop having sex with him and stop all physical affection. And don’t apologise for it ever.

Don't share a bed with him. If he gropes you smack his hands away or better still don’t allow him in arms reach of you. Tell him in no uncertain terms why. Point out if he continues he’ll be a weekend dad and your friends and family will know he’s a dirty bastard.

It’s alarming how many people on this thread think this is a sex drive problem.