DP can’t keep his hands off of me

[7whiteclouds]

DP has always had a high sex drive; I’ve always had a lower one.

we have been together 10+ years and have children together.

he has always enjoyed receiving physical affection; I appreciate thoughtful acts higher than physical affection.

we clearly have differences in how we like to show and receive affection but somehow we’ve always managed to make it work. Despite the usual moan of “you don’t give me enough physical affection” whenever we have an unrelated fall out.
I’ve recently discovered that this transcribes as “you don’t initiate sexual intimacy with me”.

over the years we’d probably have sex once per week on average - usually initiated by DP. He’d usually be quite touchy feely with me at other times during the week, but wouldn’t push for things to go further if I’d said no. However, over the past 6 months DP appears to literally want his hands all over me 24/7 and seems to want sex daily. He says it’s because he’s attracted to me, he wants to feel close to me, and also wants sex. I however, don’t. I’m still happy for the usual once per week.

however to me, I constantly feel like I’m being groped and feel like he has his hands all over me just so he can try and get sex. He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times. Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further. I constantly feel like I’m having to apologise for saying no because I’m not in the mood/unwell/stressed/tired/just don’t want sex.

I have had multiple big talks (and arguments) with him about how I’m not comfortable with this, he says he understands my point but nothing seems to have changed, despite him
Saying he’ll calm it down.

it’s getting to the point where I feel like he’s an actual “sex pest” and it’s pushing me further and further away.

we don’t have the best of relationships, but this is just making me at times feel cold towards him.

I don’t know what to do next as he clearly isn’t listening to me?

Wow; way to make it the woman’s fault for not putting out on demand.

think you need to try harder to be better.

A key problem is that you are not meeting his needs.

It's not a need and we all need to be very careful not to pretend it is. Because there is an argument that an actual need (food, air etc.) being withheld gives someone the right to break the law.

Sex? Welcome to your right hand.

Not, welcome to sexual assault.

you are not meeting his needs

Disgusting.

I had a similar issue in my relationship and I always thought it was about mismatched sex drives, or me losing my mojo. When we first started going out together we were at it like rabbits, but then we were students. He expected that to be the same at the age of 41. I'd changed by then, but he hadn't. I thought the problem was me, as he kept asking me why I didn't fancy him any more - he couldn't understand it because he wasn't fat/scruffy/lazy/slobby etc but then I realised I was a frog slowly simmering and there were many other factors involved. One example was when my cat died and I was heartbroken and he simply said I was good at turning on the waterworks. I don't know if this sort of thing is occurring in OP's relationship.

A key problem is that you are not meeting his needs.
They are not needs.

But fundamentally, he wants more physical intimacy
Why are so many apologists for assault so focused on what the man wants and how women should fix it? Her desire is not to be harassed and assaulted, which should be orders of magnitude more important.

he should leave the relationship if it is important enough to him.
But instead he is making a choice to sexually assault her on a daily basis.

I absolutely agree with you.

Op i really hope you’ve ignored the posters that are echoing your partner blaming you for not meeting his needs. I’m absolutely certain they would not say this to their daughters or feel sorry for the man who is constantly groping and assaulting their daughter.

I’m also quite certain not one of these women would be looking to take him off your hands either. No woman in her right mind would want to be repeatedly groped by this revolting man. Perhaps they missed the part where you said you have to repeatedly tell him No.

What else is going on op? Because by the time a man has become confident enough to blatantly sexually assault you , plenty of other stuff is going on too whether it’s financial abuse or verbal abuse.

A key problem is that you are not meeting his needs. He is expressing himself in an unattractive way that is making you feel uncomfortable, and clearly he should stop. But fundamentally, he wants more physical intimacy, which you cannot or are unwilling to provide. If you do not find him sufficiently attractive or cannot meet his desires for intimacy, then he should leave the relationship if it is important enough to him.

What the fuck am I reading.

No he’s not expressing himself in an unattractive way. He’s committing a fucking crime every time he gropes her in a disgusting way.

Men know how to get physical intimacy and they’re not that stupid they think it’s going to happen at inappropriate times by groping someone through their knickers. He is humiliating her and degrading her, that’s what this behaviour is designed to do. And he knows it’s upsetting her because she’s told him. So therefore he’s doing it on purpose and while he’s assaulting her he gets to play the victim and snivel he doesn’t get sex.

Typical abuser script and women like you support him. Ignore this op.

You’re not married, which leaves you in a horribly vulnerable situation. I’ve been in a similarly difficult situation, where leaving was difficult/near impossible for practical reasons.

What I did was to work through those difficulties until I was in a position to be able to leave. Financially, I am now much worse off, but we do have a roof over our heads and are much happier.

I think, for your own self-respect and so the children do not grow up seeing him abuse you and thinking it’s normal (how would you feel if one of your children behaves like this to their partner, or alternatively, puts up with it from one? This behaviour will be their relationship role-model) you need to work out how you can get out. Accept you will never be able to provide what he can and don’t need to, but that getting out is a priority.

By the way, he is doing this because he knows you’re trapped. He’s enjoying it.

Talk about minimizing sexual assault.

No. You are wrong. You’re trying to blame the OP for his behaviors. He’s sexually harassing her and pressuring her into sexual activities she doesn’t want to engage in. He’s feeling her up/putting hands in her bra, groping her pants area even when she’s told him to leave her alone. That is SEXUAL ASSAULT. Even in marriage. Her body is HERS, not his to do what he wants to, whenever he feels.

He’s not sexually harassing her, he’s sexually assaulting her. Every day. It’s vile.

op you know how this makes you feel. He won’t stop.

What I did was to work through those difficulties until I was in a position to be able to leave. Financially, I am now much worse off, but we do have a roof over our heads and are much happier

Or you could do what I did was put up with absolute shit for 25 and bitterly regret not getting out sooner. Financially I’m not in a great situation but I have a HA flat, enough food and just enough to cover outgoings but the peace of mind of not being around an abusive twat is 100% worth the material things I once had. No comparison. For my DDs sake I wish I’d foregone what I thought she needed for what she really needed.

If you do want to leave him then you could just start doing some prep.

Do you have access to money? Day to day spending and savings?

If so would it be feasible to give yourself a 6 month time limit. Open your own account which he can’t access and doesn’t know details of and start moving money into it.

If you don’t work start applying for jobs - daytime hours so they will work round childcare.

Go and see a solicitor to get proper advice about who owns what - you may be able to register a claim on the house even if not married.

I would also ask him to go to joint relationship counselling and use that safe space to explain that it feels like sexual assault.

That is not what I am saying. Ideally, they would have matching needs. Is she being unreasonable to say "no" over and over again? She is not. She needs what she needs. Or doesn't, as the case may be. Nor is he unreasonable to want more, but it is unreasonable to insist on more. They are poorly matched sexually, through the fault of neither party, and are in direct opposition to each other. And that is say, but neither party can be blamed, other than "you both should have taken this into consideration before marrying."

If that's the way that you want to take what I said, go right ahead. What I was actually saying is that when two people have such wildly varying physical needs, either one or both of them are going to be very unhappy, and that there is not much one can do to change such a basic part of one's makeup.

@Mamanyt you can say that all you like. But you appear to be missing the part where he SEXUALLY ASSAULTS HER CONSTANTLY. Once that happens, everything else is meaningless.

What part of him committing a crime are you missing?

How on earth is this man not being unreasonable? he is constantly touching her in an intimate way, in appropriate settings, even when she asks him to stop. If this was a stranger doing this to you on a bus, would you see it as reasonable?!

He’s sexually assaulting his significant other. Not sexually assaulting his significant other should be the most important thing to him right now and far more important than how much sex he thinks he should be having. He should work on that first. Then think about what he wants (hint - to be a better man), see what you want, see if he’s willing to compromise, see if there is any change of salvaging this relationship etc.

However, none of this is in your control. Sadly as he doesn’t think not sexually assaulting his significant other and mother to his children is important enough, he’s likely to continue. You can only act based on this information. Past behaviour being a good predictor of future behaviour and all that.

This feels absolutely grim and the boiling frog analogy is probably pretty accurate. Words don’t seem to be working. He’s not taking you seriously enough. The next step is up to you really and you probably have more power than you realise. But you don’t need to put up with this. Can you make some kind of stand? Eg tell him to leave for a while? I know you’re in a far more vulnerable position due to not being married.

Ok so you are not ready to leave.
What is your plan? Do you want to try and fix this as you plan to stay?
I would urge you to considered sex therapy for the both of you. I think a good sex therapist might be able to stop his sex pest ways.

You're incompatible and need not to be together. The relationship is fucked when one partner needs to beg for sex anyway.

Let's approach this from the other direction...

He loves the OP and decides today to stop all physical contact so as not to give the impression of being a pressuring sex pest.

Rather than saying ltb, this man is apologises and wants to change, what pointers would you offer?

OP, this will get worse. Something has changed to cause this. Check his search history - types of porn/ websites etc. Sadly they don't revert back, it increases once they begin behaving like this. Its nothing to do with sex drive, its control. If he hasn't already he'll start shifting it up a gear, such as while your cooking - lifting a heavy pan or water or ironing/driving etc, so you can't push away and defend yourself. If he thought this behaviour was OK, why doesnt he do it in public?

You need to start making plans about leaving because you may not be able to control when the end of the relationship will come. Him shifting his behaviour up a gear at some point may be the trigger to leave and you need to be ready for it x