DP can’t keep his hands off of me

[7whiteclouds]

DP has always had a high sex drive; I’ve always had a lower one.

we have been together 10+ years and have children together.

he has always enjoyed receiving physical affection; I appreciate thoughtful acts higher than physical affection.

we clearly have differences in how we like to show and receive affection but somehow we’ve always managed to make it work. Despite the usual moan of “you don’t give me enough physical affection” whenever we have an unrelated fall out.
I’ve recently discovered that this transcribes as “you don’t initiate sexual intimacy with me”.

over the years we’d probably have sex once per week on average - usually initiated by DP. He’d usually be quite touchy feely with me at other times during the week, but wouldn’t push for things to go further if I’d said no. However, over the past 6 months DP appears to literally want his hands all over me 24/7 and seems to want sex daily. He says it’s because he’s attracted to me, he wants to feel close to me, and also wants sex. I however, don’t. I’m still happy for the usual once per week.

however to me, I constantly feel like I’m being groped and feel like he has his hands all over me just so he can try and get sex. He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times. Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further. I constantly feel like I’m having to apologise for saying no because I’m not in the mood/unwell/stressed/tired/just don’t want sex.

I have had multiple big talks (and arguments) with him about how I’m not comfortable with this, he says he understands my point but nothing seems to have changed, despite him
Saying he’ll calm it down.

it’s getting to the point where I feel like he’s an actual “sex pest” and it’s pushing me further and further away.

we don’t have the best of relationships, but this is just making me at times feel cold towards him.

I don’t know what to do next as he clearly isn’t listening to me?

You need to call the national domestic abuse hotline when you are safe to do so

0808 2000 247

Get their advice on everything you are entitled to benefits wise, how to access housing, all the practical and financial stuff

How old are the children?

Of its any consolation he sounds like the sort of man who would threaten 50/50 but not follow through because he doesn't want the effort of doing the actual parenting.

I think the link I provided more than covers what I was referring to. It provides info on how hypersexuality can cause problems within relationships, and how the partner bears the brunt. Not randoms in the street.

So what evidence is there of a medical condition that can cause someone to uncontrollably grope their partners, but not random people they walk past.

I'm saying uncontrollably, because I'm assuming you were talking about a condition where the man literally can't help themselves.

I'm concerned about this medical condition. Is it very common?

@DotAndCarryOne2 I’ve never heard of a medical condition that causes a man to suddenly become a sex pest and I watch all sorts of strange stuff on YouTube.

How old are the DC?

All arsehole men threaten to take the children but in reality it seldom happens and we all know why. It's hard work that most men don't want to do it.

My DD was married to sn abusive arsehole who repeatedly threatened this.

He'd file for divorce threaten to take the kids. She'd jump through hoops to appease him so he'd cancel the divorce.

The last time I convinced her to lawyer up and she did.

She's been divorced from him for 4 years now.

Guess how many times he's seen the kids. A big fat 0.

Thank you.

Is it normal for it to feel that phoning support lines seems like a big overreaction?
I know if the shoe was on the other foot, again, I would be pointing people in the exact same direction. Does it just feel like an overreaction to me because it’s actually “me” that it’s happening to and I’m so used to it all that I now just underestimate the severity of it all?

one’s in secondary school, one in primary and the other is a toddler.

I agree on your last point, deep down I do feel he would threaten it all, but I know he knows he wouldn’t cope with them. And he knows they’d just want me all of the time which would really frustrate him. The thought of not knowing what route he’d take still scares me so much though.

It upsets me to see how many posters on here feel financially trapped
Most of you will cope far better than you think as a lone parent not just financially but in every other way
You will be a better parent and your DC stand just as much chance of being positively impacted by your decision to leave sooner rather than later
Please have courage and leave
I don’t want to make this thread about me - but bringing up DC on my own and becoming financially independent was the best thing I ever did

I've seen plenty of threads on here where there was a mismatch of libidos and sexual desires/needs/wants etc. Often there would be arguments etc, sulking, people looking for sex outside the marriage, porn etc.
However, I've rarely seen a thread where the partner who wanted more sex continuously pestering the other for sex, touching and groping even through they have been asked not to repeatedly.
What this man is doing is sexual assault. He touches the OP without her consent, often at highly inappropriate times. He takes a long time to stop whatever it is he is doing after the OP makes it clear she does not want that.

I do not give a flying fuck if he has some kind of "medical issue" as some other posters have suggested. The OP should leave him, medical issue or not. If he does have a medical reason for this then it is up to him to get help for it. No one should have to put up with anything like this because someone's got a "medical issue". FFS.

I think you should leave him ASAP. The longer this goes on, the more and more traumatized you will become. Your self-esteem will be rock bottom and this causes you to doubt yourself.
What he is doing is completely unacceptable.

I had this in a previous relationship that I wasn't happy or comfortable in. I wanted attention, emotional connection, empathy and understanding. He wanted his end away. I hated it. He convinced me something was wrong with me and I should see a Dr, swear if i said no, ignore my protests to stop and try and touch me up whilst I was waking up and my defenses were down. I'd have sex I didn't want to keep the peace.

I left found a new man, and ten years in still have a good sex life. One where I intiate on occasion (would never have thought this possible) and we talk openingly and respectfully about our boundaries. My partner would want it every day but he knows its just one aspect of our relationship and that I offer him so much more than a body. This safety makes me much more sexually attracted to him but he doesn't do it because sex is the goal he respects me because that's who he is.

It's not you.

I fully agree with you.

I would class myself as a good mum, but I know that I can lack patience and tell them off for insignificant things at times when DP has got into my head. I thankfully have realised how much of a better parent I would be as a single parent.

I think it really is about finding that courage.

With the amount of things I have been through in my life, I would class myself as a strong person…. But for some reason, in this relationship, I feel anything but strong.

I hope one day (soon), like you, I can say becoming a single parent was the best thing I ever did.

It took me 15 years to be able to say and to believe that I was abused as a child

Because the abuse was mostly emotional and coercive (also a narcissist) and I mostly wasn't being hit or beaten it felt like calling it abuse was an over reaction

But if you compare it to a normal relationship you realise just how much of an issue yours really is

But heres the thing, if you do think it might be an over reaction, why wouldn't you phone the experts to get their opinion.

I sometimes panic my oddly shaped mole is cancerous, so I ask my GP for their opinion because they are the expert. and they check it and reassure me its not changed and tell me that its fine for me to ask because they would prefer me to check and it not be cancerous rather than leave it and end up with advanced cancer

This is much the same. I mean it's obvious from the little you have said you are being abused, but if you really worry its an over reaction phone the helpline and speak to the experts.

Oh @7whiteclouds reading your posts is like a massive case of de ja vu for me, including the fears over splitting.

I'm saying this from 6 years further on from where you are, the pain of the split, the upheaval is WORTH it, its SO fucking worth it, yes my life was rocky as fuck for 6 months or so, yes my Ex is still the same shithouse to the kids when they're with him.. but they spend 4 nights a month with him, and the other 26 here with me, in a calm, living, nurturing household where I am happy because i'm not having to live with a fucker like him.

I know its scary, i KNOW it feels like the hardest thing in the world, and i also know you won't leave until you're ready, but when that moment comes, please remember, in a few months, you'll realise it was all so fucking worth it.

Sometimes the pain of holding on is worse than just letting go...

I’ve read your two previous posts and they really do change everything, so apologies and ignore everything I said about an underlying condition - it’s not relevant. If it’s being going on for years you’ve probably conditioned yourself to it, and the fact that someone else has pointed it out has led you to that realisation. That’s a good thing. You were never the problem - constantly assaulting you and ignoring your objections to try to coerce you into sex is abuse, pure and simple, and you’ve been systematically gaslighted into thinking that somehow you are to blame by the way he has behaved. The thing is, you now need to realise that you are at risk, and if you’ve identified traits of narcissism in his parenting, then so are your children. He’s escalating and you need to leave.

The number for the freephone domestic abuse national helpline, run by Refuge is 0808 2000 247. Please ring and get some advice. Also this link to Women’s Aid who can help you plan to leave safely:

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

Women's Aid also provide a free handbook which provides information for women on a wide range of issues, such as housing, money, helping your children, and your legal rights.

Oh, OP. It's clear from your latest posts that he has been abusing you for years; sexual, financial and presumably emotional abuse too. You are afraid to end the relationship and afraid of him being unreasonable with regards to the children, which is very telling, I think. Luckily, the law is on your side. It will help if you are willing to talk to a professional about the abuse - this could be the national domestic abuse helpline, your local Women's Aid or equivalent, your GP or another healthcare professional - it doesn't have to be the police if you don't feel up to it, although if you do feel able to report to the police at some point that would be helpful. Any kind of evidence from professionals like this would help you to access legal aid which means free (funded) legal representation. If you are worried about him fighting you over the children you will definitely need a solicitor.

You can find information about family law legal aid at rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/family-law-legal-aid/
And the organisation has a free helpline - see rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Lastly, it seems you are still getting your head around the fact that he has been abusing you. Please take care of yourself, get counselling if you can (does your university have a free counselling service for students?), keep talking to your friend. If you would find it helpful to do some reading, there's "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, and this website: www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/types_of_abuse.html

Sorry to keep going on, but what is the underlying medical condition that could cause a man to grope his partner and not be able to control it, but its controllable around others?

I've googled but can't find anything that suggests there is such a thing. Can you share the evidence you referred to earlier?

Carry a water pistol at all times, and shoot him in the crotch every time he touches you up.

How many times would you like me to answer ? Serotonin, Noradrenaline, Dopamine imbalances in the brain, early onset dementia, early onset Bipolar disorder. And it’s utterly ridiculous to suggest that these conditions cause men to randomly grope women they walk past - but then I think underneath the sneering, you know that. What they do do is manifest in a short space of time, cause a surge in the sex drive, inappropriate touching, constant talking about sex, and disinhibition -some men masturbate in public as a result. Some of the behaviours are similar to what the OP described in her early posts. The result is that the partner bears the brunt of the very unpleasant effects of the condition responsible.

The reason I suggested it as a possible cause was not because I’m some sort of apologist for sexual abuse within a relationship or anywhere else for that matter, but because the behaviour the OP described rang alarm bells. Something similar happened to a close relative several years ago. It was responsible for the break up of their relationship because the condition went undiagnosed until the partner was admitted to hospital, after the break up, for an unrelated condition. And I did not, even for a second, suggest that these conditions are common. Just that if the change was a recent one and was enough for him to act out of character, it could be a cause and worth investigating. However, the OP has since posted that it’s not a recent change, but seemingly an escalation of an established pattern of abuse, so it’s irrelevant.

OP

I left an abusive relationship ten years ago. Financially it's been hard, really hard, as I was determined to finish my degree, then went on to do postgrad.

However, my life is so much better having left. I've regained my sense of self, my mental health has improved a hundred fold, albeit with a few blips. My life is MINE, and that far outweighs any financial struggles.

I'm in a far better place to give others my best self, and you will be too.

What they do do is manifest in a short space of time, cause a surge in the sex drive, inappropriate touching, constant talking about sex, and disinhibition

The bloke's been abusing OP for over ten years!

Why is it ridiculous? I'm being genuine(ly concerned) that there's a condition that means someone has uncontrollable sexual urges, and has no concept of the word "no". this means surely they are a risk to others?

Or is it a situation dependent condition e g. It only manifests with their partner for some reason I cannot seem to put my finger on.....(I am being sneery there obvs)

Dementia - yes I have experience of this, more times than I care to remember. There are other signs other than having no concept of sexual assault, you're reaching there in this situation, but I am genuinely interested in the research for the other conditions, if you could link that would be great

Yes, I’ve read the whole thread - have you ? Because in her initial posts the OP said that the groping and increased sex drive had only surfaced over the last six months, and that was why I responded the way I did. Her last couple of posts identified that the abuse had been going on for a lot longer, so it was irrelevant anyway. And you’ve quoted from my post explaining that to another poster.

I read the link the poster gave and it was along the lines of

Medication for parkinsons
Dementia
Epilepsy
And a misbalance of neurotransmitters

I'm assuming the Op would have mentioned if the partner had symptoms of epilepsy or dementia in the last 6 months or had suddenly been put on new medication

Which leaves a misbalance of neurotransmitters

and every thread that includes sexual assault of a partner up to and including rape is always a man who cant keep his hands to himself never a woman. Yet women have the exact same neurotransmitters, and yet women aren't out there sexually assaulting men to anywhere near the same amount

It's also key that the reason someone might be more likely to grope someone else due to a neurotransmitter imbalance is because they lose their sense of inhibition

So this concept that a man might grope his wife, but not for example a woman he's stood next to is nonsense.

Because only groping your wife, in the house and not in public at that, implies and awareness and control rather than a lack of inhibition

Because in her initial posts the OP said that the groping and increased sex drive had only surfaced over the last six months, and that was why I responded the way I did.

As you'll find if you read enough of these posts, the OP will often start with 'he's lovely 95% of the time' or 'it's only been since x time' or variants thereof. What you find, if you and they dig a little deeper, is that it's part of a longer pattern of behaviour. I asked the OP what had happened 6 months ago because I suspected, and she confirmed, that this wasn't sudden and entirely new. It was a ratcheting up of established behaviour. It's far more likely that the OP has been gaslit and led to believe that her abuse is normal, than that a man has a disease which leads him to think it's OK to assault his wife, but not colleagues, strangers or people capable of knocking him out.

Indeed.

I'm not buying "oh it might be a medical condition" in situations where the assault only happens to the partner and they can seem to control it, they just don't want to. As in this case (which was crystal clear from the op).

Unless I see evidence of course.....

Because I’ve seen similar countless times on MN.