DP can’t keep his hands off of me

[7whiteclouds]

DP has always had a high sex drive; I’ve always had a lower one.

we have been together 10+ years and have children together.

he has always enjoyed receiving physical affection; I appreciate thoughtful acts higher than physical affection.

we clearly have differences in how we like to show and receive affection but somehow we’ve always managed to make it work. Despite the usual moan of “you don’t give me enough physical affection” whenever we have an unrelated fall out.
I’ve recently discovered that this transcribes as “you don’t initiate sexual intimacy with me”.

over the years we’d probably have sex once per week on average - usually initiated by DP. He’d usually be quite touchy feely with me at other times during the week, but wouldn’t push for things to go further if I’d said no. However, over the past 6 months DP appears to literally want his hands all over me 24/7 and seems to want sex daily. He says it’s because he’s attracted to me, he wants to feel close to me, and also wants sex. I however, don’t. I’m still happy for the usual once per week.

however to me, I constantly feel like I’m being groped and feel like he has his hands all over me just so he can try and get sex. He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times. Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further. I constantly feel like I’m having to apologise for saying no because I’m not in the mood/unwell/stressed/tired/just don’t want sex.

I have had multiple big talks (and arguments) with him about how I’m not comfortable with this, he says he understands my point but nothing seems to have changed, despite him
Saying he’ll calm it down.

it’s getting to the point where I feel like he’s an actual “sex pest” and it’s pushing me further and further away.

we don’t have the best of relationships, but this is just making me at times feel cold towards him.

I don’t know what to do next as he clearly isn’t listening to me?

Me too. I used to feel mauled and groped at constantly because he ‘fancied me so much’. It got to a stage that if he was upstairs I’d make sure I was downstairs and vice versa. He wasn’t a sex pest in the world generally (he wouldn’t have dreamt of leering over random women at work or in life in general, he was just a sex pest to me). It wasn’t the reason we split up but it was a big relief to not have to deal with the constant pestering anymore (and this was a man in his early fifties so not some randy youngster) . I used to envy friends who seemed to have relationships that didn’t centre on their husband’s being sex obsessed nuisances.

@Mamanyt

You say: "he is not being unreasonable either"

Despite OP clearly stating:

He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times. Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further.

You're saying he's "not unreasonable" to sexually assault her. What on earth is wrong with you?

That's incorrect. You can claim child maintenance via CMS, and if the paying parent is employed (rather than self-employed) and in the U.K., it's equally straightforward whether married or not.

Child maintenance calculations are based on earnings and overnight contact with the child(ren), nothing to do with marital status.

Married couples are entitled to a share of the marital assets but that's a separate issue. Spousal maintenance (which I believe is rare anyway) is different from child maintenance.

OP won't get any of his savings, pensions or other assets, but she should get child maintenance.

I'm assuming the OP works for a business she and her partner run, which always always becomes the man's business in these situations and never the woman's

It doesn't mean she's staying with him for money and lifestyle, it means she's staying with him because she doesn't want to be made homeless and jobless at the same time, that's not quite the same thing

And if my assumption is correct this is one of those occasions where its incredibly hard for a woman to leave an abuser. Because if she tried to get another job she risks making her intentions clear and that's when it becomes more dangerous to be with an abuser. So it becomes a vicious circle.

And if I am right that would also mean the OPs partner is self employed/running a business which means there's all kinds of ways for him to avoid paying child maintenence

You don’t see an issue in him pestering her and putting his hands in her underwear when she doesn’t want him too? He is a disgusting man and she is being abused.

OP you need to leave, you need to work through things, I am not sure why splitting up means you have to leave your career but yes you may need to accept that splitting up means a new home, it is better than putting up with abuse.

I though these comments couldn't get any worse... then I see suggestions of relationship therapy.

This is assault.

Your partner is a creep.

This is not about his ''high sex drive'' it is about the fact that he does not respect your boundaries and think your body belongs to him.

Someone who continues to touch after you have clearly said no is abusing you.

The fact that he is your partner does not mean he is entitled to sex whenever he wants it.

I would get rid of the sex pest if I were you.

You have already discussed this with him and clearly expressed your wishes and he still is continuing his dodgy behaviour. So it is obvious he has no respect or concerns for your wishes.

As for those who have tried to defend his behaviour: raise your standards.

He continues to touch you sexually despite knowing you aren't interested?

This goes beyond being a sex pest, which is bad enough. He is sexually assaulting and abusing you. The minimisation on this thread is appalling.

The apologists on this thread are shocking.

For comparison, my DP has a much higher sex drive than me. For various reasons related to trauma my sex drive has been very very low for several years and there have been periods of time where there was no penetrative sex at all for many months.

I’m not saying that this hasn’t caused issues that we’ve had to work through together but it would be UNTHINKABLE to him to ever grope me at his leisure let alone if I’d clearly asked him to stop.

There is no excuse for it. Ever. Your body does not belong to him.

OP this is an intolerable situation.

You are a victim of ongoing sexual abuse-there is no excuse for this.

Child maintenance calculations are based on earnings and overnight contact with the child(ren), nothing to do with marital status.

Yes that's the point. A parent has to have contact but if they walk away, there is no legal obligation to pay CM, unlike in a divorce settlement.

You literally could be me 10 years ago (although no kids). I loved him but just prefer showing it in other ways. He ended up cheating and blaming me.
It’s perfectly fine to not want sex or to be touched. Don’t let him force you. Body autonomy in a relationship is still important.

If this was happening to you at work, what would you do? You'd report him to HR and then the police if he didn't stop. Being in a relationship does NOT mean he gets to sexually assault you, let's not sugar coat it, that's what it is! I'd just throw him out, if you can't feel respected in your home why put up with it?

The apologists on this thread are shocking.

Sometimes I wonder if there are men with user names that deliberately suggest they are women, whose hobby is to come on here to stir up the women of MN by spouting nasty, misogynistic theories. Certainly on this thread that would seem to be the case!

I'm afraid you're mistaken. There is a legal obligation for an uninvolved parent to pay child maintenance (whether they were married to the other parent or not). If they have no overnight contact they will pay more maintenance.

(In theory, that is - in reality some uninvolved parents go to great lengths to avoid paying it, but the law says they have to.)

This isn't about sex, OP, it's about control. And it appears that he has complete control over all aspects of your relationship because you can't leave.

Is this the relationship you imagined when you were a young girl? Your "happy ever after", because honestly it sounds like a nightmare.

You need to start to take back the control of your life. Start putting money aside and give yourself some choices.

That depends on whether he goes for 50/50 or higher contact with the children. If he does that she could get no child maintenance.

OP I suspect he knows he has your arse over a barrel in terms of your financial situation, and he is abusing this by feeling free to sexually harass you, knowing you feel unable to walk away from the relationship.

i don’t really have any advice other than research your options.

Just a thought, but if your relationship is not great anyway, could you give him your blessing to seek an affair? That could get him off your case sexually, and buy you breathing space to get you in a place to leave him? Direct him to one of the married people ‘dating’ sites.

FFS. This post should be in bold at the top of every board. Why do women downsize their career and make themselves vulnerable without being married? Sorry OP, you have been an idiot but now is the time to change. Start squirrelling away whatever money you can, investigate whether any friends or relatives will have you. Tell him that the next time he touches you without your consent you'll call the police - put it in writing in an email. And plan to be out of there within a year.

Or you could do what I did was put up with absolute shit for 25 and bitterly regret not getting out sooner. Financially I’m not in a great situation but I have a HA flat, enough food and just enough to cover outgoings but the peace of mind of not being around an abusive twat is 100% worth the material things I once had. No comparison. For my DDs sake I wish I’d foregone what I thought she needed for what she really needed

This was me OP. My daughter was very damaged by it. The biggest mistake of my life.

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I would get rid of the sex pest if I were you.

You'd have to square the circle on that one with the fact that the OP isn't married and " I would be risking losing their home, potentially becoming homeless in a climate where there aren’t even any private houses to rent in my area, they’d go from a home with an almost 6 figure income to a home having to claim benefits".

My input would be : is there anybody else he'd listen to regarding his behaviour . Write everything down and present it to him in a semi-official written form, showing him how seriously you see this. You could also tell him if you haven't already done so, that this is blatant sexual abuse and if he refuses to conduct himself in an acceptable manner you will be forced to take measures to protect yourself.

As you rightly said op, he is a sex pest and you should not have to put up with it. I couldn't continue having sex with a man like that, it would repulse me.

It sounds like you are in a really tricky situation financially with regard to leaving but I think that needs to be your priority. Work out what you can afford, lots of women on here have been through this and can give you great advice. I get that it's going to be a massive drop in living g standards but remember children don't really care about that anyway.

Can you start by looking into other job options if splitting would mean you need to leave yours. Also then work out with regard to salary what benefits you would be entitled to. Then look for rental, apply for housing association etc.

Good luck!

Forget to add, in the meantime I'd be onto the local authority/housing association and looking into what other help/benefits were available.

Also, is there anywhere you could go, relatives etc.

Just a thought.

I'm not "trying" to do anything. I literally said she should leave him if she feels so strongly.

Focus on supporting the OP instead of trying to be the moral police to a faceless stranger on the net.

(In theory, that is - in reality some uninvolved parents go to great lengths to avoid paying it, but the law says they have to.)

You've only got to spend a few hours on MN to see that many, many men have walked away and pay nothing.

All very well touting what the law says- we know it' s not like that for many women.

I’m pretty sure there is legal obligation. The CMS take the money out directly from the absent parent’s earnings and they don’t ask permission. All parents are legally obliged to provide for their children either through a private arrangement or the CMS. Even if the remaining parent were a millionaire the absent parent still has to provide.