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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP can’t keep his hands off of me

317 replies

7whiteclouds · 24/02/2023 23:12

DP has always had a high sex drive; I’ve always had a lower one.

we have been together 10+ years and have children together.

he has always enjoyed receiving physical affection; I appreciate thoughtful acts higher than physical affection.

we clearly have differences in how we like to show and receive affection but somehow we’ve always managed to make it work. Despite the usual moan of “you don’t give me enough physical affection” whenever we have an unrelated fall out.
I’ve recently discovered that this transcribes as “you don’t initiate sexual intimacy with me”.

over the years we’d probably have sex once per week on average - usually initiated by DP. He’d usually be quite touchy feely with me at other times during the week, but wouldn’t push for things to go further if I’d said no. However, over the past 6 months DP appears to literally want his hands all over me 24/7 and seems to want sex daily. He says it’s because he’s attracted to me, he wants to feel close to me, and also wants sex. I however, don’t. I’m still happy for the usual once per week.

however to me, I constantly feel like I’m being groped and feel like he has his hands all over me just so he can try and get sex. He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times. Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further. I constantly feel like I’m having to apologise for saying no because I’m not in the mood/unwell/stressed/tired/just don’t want sex.

I have had multiple big talks (and arguments) with him about how I’m not comfortable with this, he says he understands my point but nothing seems to have changed, despite him
Saying he’ll calm it down.

it’s getting to the point where I feel like he’s an actual “sex pest” and it’s pushing me further and further away.

we don’t have the best of relationships, but this is just making me at times feel cold towards him.

I don’t know what to do next as he clearly isn’t listening to me?

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 25/02/2023 07:22

BTW this is NOTHING to do with sex drive or attraction

minmooch · 25/02/2023 07:34

however to me, I constantly feel like I’m being groped and feel like he has his hands all over me just so he can try and get sex. He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times.

There is wanting to feel close to your partner, but the above is sexual assault when you keep saying no.

Sex should be fun, consensual, enjoyable. Not this barrage of acts that is not wanted or enjoyed by you.

I'm sorry op. His actions would revolt me and I would be looking to separate.

OMG12 · 25/02/2023 07:37

I think he obviously feels once a week is not enough, and the is his (inappropriate) way to try and change things.

if you want to try and save this relationship see a counsellor together

That being said, if I was you and my husband continued doing stuff after you said no he would be out the door

Wakemeup17 · 25/02/2023 07:38

You want the money and the lifestyle, he wants sex. Tell him you give him a permission to have an affair if you stay married.

ConfusedNT · 25/02/2023 07:46

Mamanyt · 25/02/2023 05:58

That is not what I am saying. Ideally, they would have matching needs. Is she being unreasonable to say "no" over and over again? She is not. She needs what she needs. Or doesn't, as the case may be. Nor is he unreasonable to want more, but it is unreasonable to insist on more. They are poorly matched sexually, through the fault of neither party, and are in direct opposition to each other. And that is say, but neither party can be blamed, other than "you both should have taken this into consideration before marrying."

Show quote history

I have a higher sex drive than my husband and do you know what I've never done - sexualy assault him

You can keep saying he's not unreasonable and he's not to blame but you are wrong. And the law also say you are wrong as he is committing a crime every time he sexually assaults his wife

Lavenderflower · 25/02/2023 07:46

I think his behaviour is unacceptable. In the same vein, I think you are withholding sex by always limiting it to once a week and never initiating. The fundamental issues is you lack compatibility. This doesn't give him the right to be constantly touch you. That being said I don't think your behaviour is entirely correct. I don't think I would be happy in relationship where I had be always the one initiating sex.

ConfusedNT · 25/02/2023 07:50

C1N1C · 25/02/2023 07:09

Let's approach this from the other direction...

He loves the OP and decides today to stop all physical contact so as not to give the impression of being a pressuring sex pest.

Rather than saying ltb, this man is apologises and wants to change, what pointers would you offer?

A man who has been sexually assaulting his wife doesn't love her or respect her. No matter how much he promises to stop she is always gping to be slightly on edge because she knows he doesn't respect boundaries and he could assault her again at any point

There is no other situation where a victim of a crime would be expected to stay with a criminal and help them change their behaviour, only if you are an abused woman

If someone steals from you every time they come to your house, would you continue to let them come just because they say they want to change?

ConfusedNT · 25/02/2023 07:52

Lavenderflower · 25/02/2023 07:46

I think his behaviour is unacceptable. In the same vein, I think you are withholding sex by always limiting it to once a week and never initiating. The fundamental issues is you lack compatibility. This doesn't give him the right to be constantly touch you. That being said I don't think your behaviour is entirely correct. I don't think I would be happy in relationship where I had be always the one initiating sex.

Do how often does a woman have to have sex in order to not get told she is also in the wrong when she is being sexually assaulted?

Because my husband has sex with me less than once a week and when I posted a thread about it on MN no one suggested sexually assaulting him because his behaviour wasn't 'entirely correct'

CloakAndTin · 25/02/2023 07:53

ilovesooty · 25/02/2023 01:31

I'm appalled that there are actually women posting here who see the behaviour of this sex pest as reasonable.

I agree. Grim isn't it? The "Oh you're just incompatible" brigade. Who's going to be compatible with a man who gropes and assaults them 24/7 and won't take no for an answer?

Joystir59 · 25/02/2023 07:57

Do you ever just say "Get your hands off me!"

AnotherEmma · 25/02/2023 08:00

Shouldbedoing · 24/02/2023 23:14

Have you told him?

Have you read the OP?!
FFS

CalmConfident · 25/02/2023 08:02

EllieM27 · 25/02/2023 01:23

He’s started this out of the blue in the last six months? I’d be having a peek at his search/browsing history. Unfortunately it is shockingly easy for men to google something like “want more sex” or “wife doesn’t want as much sex” and land themselves on misogynistic manosphere pages. In fact, one of the suggestions in the “married red pill” group is to constantly touch, grope, and attempt to initiate with their wives if they want more sex instead of just accepting less than they want. It might at least give you an idea of what you’re dealing with.

He does need it spelled out to him that he is a desperate sex pest that is behaving in an extremely unattractive manner. Don’t continue having sex with him weekly if he’s putting you off of it. Only do it if it’s what you want. He needs to change his behaviour.

this is an interesting post with a intriguing theory on the change. It makes a lot of sense sadly, and worth a read

pampermouse · 25/02/2023 08:03

OP you’ve said you’re worried about the impact on your kids if you leave, but what about the impact on them if you stay? Even if you think this isn’t directly taking place in front of them, chances are that they will be picking up on at least some of it. What are they going to learn about healthy boundaries in a relationship and consent? If you have a son, he’s going to effectively start learning from what he’s seeing at home that men have an entitlement to women’s bodies, and if you have a daughter, she’s going to start seeing that ‘no’ is pretty meaningless and this sort of assault is normalised for her.

AnotherEmma · 25/02/2023 08:05

NovelFarmer · 25/02/2023 06:52

Ok so you are not ready to leave.
What is your plan? Do you want to try and fix this as you plan to stay?
I would urge you to considered sex therapy for the both of you. I think a good sex therapist might be able to stop his sex pest ways.

What?!
i actually have no words

Velvian · 25/02/2023 08:09

He is not a nice person. I'm not sure that there are many women who are compatible with a sex offender.

I hope you can leave him @7whiteclouds . Out of interest, was it his choice not to get married? - Not relevant to the thread, but I don't have much time for men that expect their DP to make the sacrifices that come with having DC, without making a commitment. Even when they're not a sex offender.

lovem · 25/02/2023 08:09

Wow. LOVING the new and improved mumsnet which welcomes sex pests who tell women to go to "sex therapy" if they don't want some fucking man pawing at them all the time. First class move MNHQ!!

Embelline · 25/02/2023 08:11

My partner is very touchy feely and always makes it very clear how attracted he is to me BUT it never feels like harassment or like it’s always a precursor to sex. I would hate that OP and I really feel for you, you must actually dread his approach at this point.

if he doesn’t listen after you’ve spoken to him multiple times, stills tries to force the “affection” when you’ve asked him to stop and it’s making you unhappy I think your only option is to remove yourself from the situation.

AIBUNo · 25/02/2023 08:13

You should give him an ultimatum - stop, or I'm leaving.

And in the meantime, try to get some money of your own together.

It makes me sad and angry that too many women never have a nest egg of their own and can't support themselves at all (short term) if they need to get out of a relationship.

If anyone reading has daughters, drum it into them that they need to have some savings of their own always- a month's deposit and 6 months or more of rent.

I always had my own bank accounts and savings, and kept them when I married. It makes a huge difference knowing you can walk away any time and find somewhere to live.

I despair at women who co-habit, have no money of their own and end up trapped.

AnotherEmma · 25/02/2023 08:13

OP, why would you have to leave your career if you left him?
You are tolerating sexual abuse for the money and lifestyle, which is very depressing Sad
If he's a high earner, you would (should) get a decent amount of child maintenance.
I hope you can get some perspective and end the relationship.
Could you get counselling for yourself? (NOT couple's counselling!)

StarsSand · 25/02/2023 08:13

This is awful. I'm so sorry OP. I feel sick just reading this.

Can you really not leave? How can you bare having sex even weekly with someone you don't love and who treats you like this?

Honestly next time he ignores you and keeps groping at you, I'd scream in his face. Disgusting behaviour.

Nothing to do with sex drive at all.

AIBUNo · 25/02/2023 08:15

If he's a high earner, you would (should) get a decent amount of child maintenance.

They are not married. Harder to get CM.

Maybe the OP works from home (child minder?) or something that she needs the house for.

IVbumble · 25/02/2023 08:16

For all those who don't understand the importance of consent in any situation.

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 25/02/2023 08:17

I'm so sorry he is doing this to you, OP and thar you feel so stuck. This (despite some absolutely horrifying posts on this thread) is not your fault. He is doing it because he wants to and he doesn't respect your boundaries. Nobody is entitled to more sex just because they want it - that is called rape.

Those on this thread saying it's because OP isn't meeting her husbands needs - think about saying this to your daughter or Mum. Their partner is sexually assaulting them every single day and your advice would be it's because they don't givehim sex enough. Wow.

TrinnySmith · 25/02/2023 08:17

Is he looking at porn and then wanting you to ‘solve’ his ensuing needs.

shyjenny · 25/02/2023 08:18

I had this in my marriage.
Constant groping, slapping my bum every time he passed me, looking for quickies every day with kids nearby.
I was utterly repulsed by him and he knew it. My 7 year old son them started to slap my bum so I lost my shit completely.
He started an affair pretty much straight away.
Best thing that ever happened my kids and myself.
We left there and then.
I feel for you op.
Gave me shivers to read.