DP can’t keep his hands off of me

[7whiteclouds]

DP has always had a high sex drive; I’ve always had a lower one.

we have been together 10+ years and have children together.

he has always enjoyed receiving physical affection; I appreciate thoughtful acts higher than physical affection.

we clearly have differences in how we like to show and receive affection but somehow we’ve always managed to make it work. Despite the usual moan of “you don’t give me enough physical affection” whenever we have an unrelated fall out.
I’ve recently discovered that this transcribes as “you don’t initiate sexual intimacy with me”.

over the years we’d probably have sex once per week on average - usually initiated by DP. He’d usually be quite touchy feely with me at other times during the week, but wouldn’t push for things to go further if I’d said no. However, over the past 6 months DP appears to literally want his hands all over me 24/7 and seems to want sex daily. He says it’s because he’s attracted to me, he wants to feel close to me, and also wants sex. I however, don’t. I’m still happy for the usual once per week.

however to me, I constantly feel like I’m being groped and feel like he has his hands all over me just so he can try and get sex. He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times. Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further. I constantly feel like I’m having to apologise for saying no because I’m not in the mood/unwell/stressed/tired/just don’t want sex.

I have had multiple big talks (and arguments) with him about how I’m not comfortable with this, he says he understands my point but nothing seems to have changed, despite him
Saying he’ll calm it down.

it’s getting to the point where I feel like he’s an actual “sex pest” and it’s pushing me further and further away.

we don’t have the best of relationships, but this is just making me at times feel cold towards him.

I don’t know what to do next as he clearly isn’t listening to me?

This...

I sympathise OP. I have something similar with my OH which I have confided with ppl on here about. That constant physical touch and references to anything sexual, but he won't initiate loving intimacy like a simple hug unless he wants it to lead somewhere. Mine has been having sex with me/ penetrating me when I'm asleep and doesn't see a problem with it, which is why I originally posted on here. I have thought about leaving, but there are so many factors so I know its not easy. I'm currently pregnant with DC3 (unplanned) so it's out of the question for me atm. But your feelings are very valid, especially as you have clearly told you how it made you feel, ans he still doesn't get it. I was never strong enough to be that assertive unfortunately.

But OP says he has changed over the last 6 months?
I think you must have missed that point because you don’t sound like you have much compassion for her being groped against her will in her own home. That would be horrible to live with, wouldn’t it?

Clearly this depends on sexual compatability

Have you considered couple’s therapy OP?

couples therapy with an abusive sex pest? What am I reading here? The excusing his behaviour is unbelievable.

Some people have missed info. You aren’t married which is a GOOD thing in terms of leaving him. You don’t own a home together which is a GOOD thing in terms of leaving him. You have your own career which is a GOOD thing in terms of leaving him. And those who say “your lifestyle“ or “living standards” might not be as good if you leave him are utterly disgusting are wrong…things will be better without him otherwise it’s going to get messier and messier with him either having an affair or becoming more abusive all while the children watch.

Pretty sure everyone would be sexually incompatible with someone sexually assaulting them

With someone who is regularly sexually assaulting her? Seriously?

No. It is not down to "attracted/not attracted" to someone. That's simplistic bullshit.

You poor woman.

You are being constantly sexually assaulted.

He probably is aware of your vulnerability and feels he can.

Please ring Women's aid for support.

Perhaps they could advise you re your housing.

You don't know until you reach out and ask for support.

He won't change, he thinks you are meat.

You poor woman.

Tell family and friends the truth so that they can support you.

Well hopefully he will leave her and find a woman who is happy to be sexually touched at inappropriate times (also in OPs OP)

*That's aimed at babyonboard, sorry.

You just don't like being challenged on your comments.

This. I can't understand how men think this is ok.

I'm open to challenge, just not with moot points or ad hominems.

Not another one.

Exactly. Or better, she can leave him.

No reputable therapist would work with a couple where the man is a sexual abuser.

I agree, I've been on this board for a lot of years and the number of posts on threads like these telling women it's their own fault because they won't have sex with their partner as often as their partner wants it have definitely increased. Along with telling women that if they don't have sex enough it's their own fault if their partner has an affair

These posts are often from OPs who are doing all the housework all the parenting of small children and are at breaking point, or as in this case Ops being sexually assault but some posters still like to make out it the woman's fault

I think men are more aware now than they were a few years ago that women come to MN for support, so it would make sense to try and disrupt that.

And then I think you do get some posters who are women saying this stuff but as they post more it generally becomes obvious that they are in abusive relationships themselves but don't want to face that so they can't accept the OP isn't to blame because that would mean they might have to face up to their reality.

Ugh! When you say touching you inappropriately- do you mean in front of the children? The whole thing is wrong but this would raise it to another level.

Good grief. You're still excusing abuse and claiming this is a compatibility issue. What is wrong with you?

Its not that he's groping her because there can be a level of that in a relationship that a couple can be comfortable with

He is groping her after she has said no and told him to stop

That is sexual assault. No one is compatible with sexual assault.

and your yawning face emoji whilst discussing this is abhorrent

@BabyOnBoard90 but clearly OP DOESN'T like or want it. Yet he continues. What would you call continuing to grope someone who makes it clear they're not interested? To me that is sexual assault and it's rather worrying that you don't consider it to be so.