DP can’t keep his hands off of me

[7whiteclouds]

DP has always had a high sex drive; I’ve always had a lower one.

we have been together 10+ years and have children together.

he has always enjoyed receiving physical affection; I appreciate thoughtful acts higher than physical affection.

we clearly have differences in how we like to show and receive affection but somehow we’ve always managed to make it work. Despite the usual moan of “you don’t give me enough physical affection” whenever we have an unrelated fall out.
I’ve recently discovered that this transcribes as “you don’t initiate sexual intimacy with me”.

over the years we’d probably have sex once per week on average - usually initiated by DP. He’d usually be quite touchy feely with me at other times during the week, but wouldn’t push for things to go further if I’d said no. However, over the past 6 months DP appears to literally want his hands all over me 24/7 and seems to want sex daily. He says it’s because he’s attracted to me, he wants to feel close to me, and also wants sex. I however, don’t. I’m still happy for the usual once per week.

however to me, I constantly feel like I’m being groped and feel like he has his hands all over me just so he can try and get sex. He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times. Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further. I constantly feel like I’m having to apologise for saying no because I’m not in the mood/unwell/stressed/tired/just don’t want sex.

I have had multiple big talks (and arguments) with him about how I’m not comfortable with this, he says he understands my point but nothing seems to have changed, despite him
Saying he’ll calm it down.

it’s getting to the point where I feel like he’s an actual “sex pest” and it’s pushing me further and further away.

we don’t have the best of relationships, but this is just making me at times feel cold towards him.

I don’t know what to do next as he clearly isn’t listening to me?

All of which I acknowledged after the OP’s updates to that effect, so what’s the problem now ?

@DotAndCarryOne2

Because I’ve seen similar countless times on MN.

You've seen the below countless times on MN? You absolutely haven't and it's silly to lie and say you have.

And if a man came on here saying that his partners’ behaviour had changed recently to the point where she had become a nyphomaniac and he was distressed because she wouldn’t leave him alone, you wouldn’t be suggesting LTB, you’d be telling him to get medical help for a possible hormone imbalance or looking into other underlying conditions to account for the out of character behaviour.

OP I'm so glad you realise you need to leave. Now is the time to gather information so you can make a plan. Speak to Women's Aid and definitely to student support at your university, they should be able to refer you to all relevant help. If there is a law programme at your uni see if they run free legal clinics. Check entitledto to see what benefits you can get. Confide in friends and see how they can help.

It will be hard but you are not alone. You can do this!

@7whiteclouds OP I'm not sure if my post saved as I can't find it. But as you asking is it normal to contact women's aid for something like this it absolutely is. My DH kept having sex with me in my sleep and would joke about it being rape and no cosnnet etc. I contacted them several months ago and spoke to a volunteer by message, not over the phone. I am still with him but it made me feel like my feelings were justified and validated. I am glad you are considering leaving and praise you for your courage.

OP,

Keep giving going to the police some consideration.

It is the only thing that genuinely puts the frighteners on men like him.

The whole sordid truth coming out.

You can always ring 101 and ask for anonymous advice on rape and sexual assault, financial abuse in the home.

Ask them is what you are enduring a crime.

I think you will be very surprised at their response.

My mum has vascular dementia, so I’m well aware of the signs thank you. I’ve more than justified why the OP’s situation raised red flags with me and I’m not prepared to risk possibly outing myself with more detail about something which I now realise I should have kept private. I’m also well aware of how you hounded an earlier poster off the thread for daring to express an opinion you didn’t agree with, and I recognise sneering when I see it.

And of course this has its’ roots in mismatched libido - the OP herself recognised it when she said that she had been gaslighted into believing it was her fault, which it absolutely is not. She was even googling to find out what was ‘wrong’ with her. The mismatch is no-one’s fault, we are what we are. What is his fault is his belief that he can apportion blame for not getting what he wants when he wants it, and that it’s somehow acceptable to subject the OP to constant sexual assault in the hope that he’ll wear her down so she consents to sex she doesn’t want. He’s stopping just short of rape, but I suspect not for long. If he can’t accept that they don’t have the same libido and adjust for it, then he should leave and sot himself out. But he won’t. It will be the OP who has to uproot herself and leave with her children. Derailing the thread by goading me won’t change that.

I said similar. Not the same - similar.

I'm very sorry @7whiteclouds

all savings that we have are held in his own bank accounts that I have no access to.

This is the textbook definition of financial abuse, long before what you describe of him maki g you spend inheritance on the children's living expenses while he squirrels away savings in his own name only which you have no access to.

Is it normal for it to feel that phoning support lines seems like a big overreaction?

This too is textbook response to abuse. Abusers are clever, if they made it obvious, you would never fall for it. It's because they are so clever, see 'boiled frog' analogy that they lure you in.

Go east on yourself. There is a lot here for you to get used to. My very best wishes for finding a resolution which protests you and your DC. Good luck.

@DotAndCarryOne2 no one has been hounded off the thread.

That is ridiculous.

Who did I hound off the thread?

I agree with almost everything you say in this post BTW. Apart from this having roots in mismatched libido, this has roots in sexual assault.

What I don't agree with is your initial suggestion that this could be as a result of a medical condition. I asked what medical condition could cause someone to only sexually assault their partner, while having a full understanding of consent. And not surprisingly, one couldn't be evidenced.

Yes, I have made it clear I find that suggestion distasteful, probably because I'm just so over reasons like this being given in a situation where someone is very clearly being sexually assaulted by someone who knows full well what they are doing.

Fwiw I think some of your comments have been pretty reasonable, and I am sorry if me challenging your view is being goady, but suggesting a clear cut case of wilful sexual abuse is as a result of a possible medical condition will be challenged.

I have a high sex drive but I would hate someone pestering me for sex. It would really turn me off.

She's a new poster whos doing the same on other threads and generally being a nasty Cunt. She obviously has too much time on her hands.

You’ll recognise the name after a while. They’re one of them.

There are, and sadly MNHQ don’t seem to have anyone well-versed enough on trolling and internet subcultures to spot and ban them. BabyonBoard90 is an example of a male poster that does nothing but spout incel rhetoric on threads about sex and badger/argue with others in a very telling, masculine pattern. I know users have reported him numerous times and yet here he is, still attacking women with his hilariously transparent, on-the- nose username. Maybe they’ll listen if users continuously report him with something like “Please ban this misogynistic man from the community” in the comment field.

“She”?

Op it's not about sex, it's just another way to control and abuse you.

Im not surprised to hear you are unmarried and a sahm who is also being financially abused

You need to reach out to refuge or WA for support to deal with the abuse

Please protect your self and your children and leave

OP did you leave him? Hope you are happy and safe.