This sleeping arrangement is ridiculous right?

[Pondere]

We arrived at my in laws today and are staying for a week. SIL also arrived today and is staying for two nights. We live much further away so we have two long visits a year and then two weekend visits. SIL visits and stays for a night every month.

We have a 21 month old, and he sleeps in a travel cot when we visit. SIL has a five year old.

PIL have 4 bedrooms. One bedroom is obviously theirs. Then there is a double room with a double bed and then two singles with single beds in them.

Usually, when SIL visits, her 5 year old sleeps in the double bed and she is in one of the single rooms. When we visit, the three of us are in double room, with DH and I in the double bed and DS next to us in his travel cot.

This is the first time we are all staying at the same time (with children). SIL is insisting that her child gets the double room as per usual, because that is what he is used to and he won’t be able to sleep anywhere else. I’ve said it makes sense for us to have the double room seeing as all 3 of us can sleep in there, there’s space for the travel cot and then SIL and her child can sleep in each of the single rooms.

She has refused to budge and PIL agree that her son should get the double room because that’s where he always sleeps and he won’t sleep well otherwise.

The conclusion - SIL’s child has a double room and bed to himself. SIL has a single room and bed to herself. I’m in the single bed with DS in his travel cot next to me, which has just about fit in, it’s a very tight squeeze so I have to climb on to the bed the second I enter the room. DH is on the sofa. He doesn’t like fuss so is fine with the arrangement.

I know IANBU, because it makes no sense whatsoever that DS and I are in a tiny room with DH on the sofa when a 5 year old has a big room to himself. But equally, when SIL and PIL and even DH think it’s fine, I can’t help but doubt myself.

Nothing can be done tonight but I'd be packing up and leaving in the morning. With or without my husband. And yes I absolutely would cause a scene. PIL, SIL and your husband are all being ridiculous and must deal with the consequences of their actions (i.e. me leaving). I would not put up with being treated like that, and I'd consider my husband a fool.

YANBU

4 years ago I said I was never sleeping bar my PiLs again until they'd sorted out some some spare beds. This is what we have just returned from:

Night 1
DH and I in zip linked twin beds in his old room - fine
DD (11) on old camp bed in bedroom immediately off the kitchen (so not much peace until everyone gone to bed).
DS (14) on lilo under dining table, having to move every meal time.

Nights 2-4
DH and DD in unzipped twin beds because she can't her any peace in off-kitchen room (she's a bit of a man early to bed bird, and can't settle with dishwasher, nearby tv etc)
Me on camping mat in off-kitchen room
(Far too big and heavy for camp bed). DH can't possibly not sleep in a bed because of his bad back
DS- still under dining table.

All fine to make do for a few days EXCEPT there's a 4th bedroom!!! It's just too full of old papers and junk to get in. PilL "hadn't got round to clearing it" - what, in 4 years????

Oh, and I was promised new beds -it was a lilo.

OP: it is ridiculous , but as you actually have a bed, fine. No skin off your nose if DH puts up with it and sleeps on the sofa.

He’s probably been treated this badly by his parents his whole life.

I would talk to him about it when you get home, not cause a showdown this week.

WTF! This is nuts! Your husband needs to grow a backbone and stop being such a pushover.

At a minimum SIL should be sharing the double room with her five year old so DH can sleep in a bed.

Ridiculous.

I'd think about going home TBH.

SIL gets what she wants by insisting, you should do the same

He's going to keep being like this because of them.rhey aren't giving the poor boy a chance to feel weird and strange in a different arrangement but the totally ok.this is on them.and the more they do it the more ingrained it becomes for him.
And at 5 hrs see it as a great holiday to sleep with mum.hes passed the piunt where it becomes habit it's just adventure.
It wouldn't be so hard for him to change if they weren't making it so.poor boy.
This would never be a problem if they hadn't made it so.

I’m sorry if I’m misunderstanding this, but your SIL and her child are only staying 2 nights right? Presumably when they’re gone, you will just move into the room with the double bed for the remaining 5 days? I know it’s annoying that they’re giving in to the whims of a 5 year old, but maybe you can make it work for those 2 nights?

I would stay since sil will be leaving soon, but I wouldn't stay again as that is really selfish and thoughtless, to your dh especially.

I'd leave and check into a hotel too. My daughter is autistic and would have wanted the double bed too aged 5 but we wouldn't pander to her. She has to learn that autistic or not, the world doesn't revolve around her. Now 11 she will sleep anywhere she's told to when visiting family.
Autistic children need to face challenges to routine otherwise they become even more autistic and inflexible.

This whole situation is simply grandstanding for SIL and PIL to reinforce to DH that she is the golden child and he only deserves the scraps and leftovers that she doesn't want. He accepts this asthe natural order of things presumably because it's been happening for decades. no wonder you live 11 hours away. such toxicity is bad for the soul.

ideally DH should choose to go NC but that is tough to do and if he wants to accept this unequal demonstrate of his of unimportance then that's his choice, but it's ok for you to make your own choices.

I reckon that for night 2 of this overlap you should suddenly "discover" that a dear old friend who has emigrated to New Zealand is making a whistle-stop visit to a town half an hour away as part of a visit to various family & friends and you can only see her this night only. take your baby and stay in a travel lodge solo for one night so DH can both have quality time with his sister and can also have a bed. you can then return once sister is gone.

make sure there isn't an overlap again or if there is then book the travel lodge in advance. do you ever visit SIL at her own home, or host her at yours?

That’s absolutely outrageous and such a horrible way to treat you. Please go home. You need to make it very clear that you won’t put up with that sort of treatment. Otherwise they’ll just keep doing it.

Utterly batshit. Them, not you.

The person dictating is a guest.

This rather unfair and I would seriously consider leaving. Why is your DH such a pushover? Next time you are with him. do rummage around for a pair. He needs to grow some 😉😁

This. Also very bad message to 5 year old and nonsense that they need same bed every visit. When I was a child there were several children we slept according to numbers and which adults were there. Consequently I’ll sleep anywhere. Bad training for 5 year old. Get a travelodge. Get DH to stop being passive and insist on sensible use of bed space. He is in a sofa whilst 5 year old is taking a whole double? Ridiculous.

^ This. Of course it’s ridiculous but do you really want to create such bad blood by stomping around until you get your own way or teach them a lesson somehow? Let your husband sleep in the sofa, you’ve said he wants to see his sister and is ok with it. If anything just be grateful that you don’t cross over often with SIL and save the conversation for when you and your husband get home. PIL have probably always favoured SIL and kicking up a fuss now isn’t going to change that dynamic. I’d support DP with sympathy and try to change his attitude and bump up his assertiveness for the next visit if it means that much to you. It’s only one more night of putting up with their batshit behaviour.

I’d just message and say sorry but that won’t work for us, we will arrange another visit in the new year. There’s no way I’d have my husband sleep on the sofa whilst SIL gets what she wants which is ridiculous. The child will sleep wherever I’m sure.

It is a massive pisstake you're right OP. But you're also right to acknowledge there's a difference between being family and being an in law. Which is why it should have been your DH stepping up and sorting out this nonsense. That he hasn't would make me lose respect for him I think.

Nothing to be done now. SIL not there for the whole of your visit so suck up the remaining time in this stupid arrangement and then move into the double room when she's gone. The big takeaway is twofold 1) don't agree to go again without the sleeping arrangements being clearly agreed, stay in a hotel if you have to. 2) big conversation to get your DH to understand that he needs to have your back in these things, not appease everyone else to your detriment.

The five year old is learning that his whims are more important than that his uncle (a grown man and someone who has made a significant effort to get there), be shown appropriate hospitality. I mean, really, that is not on. Also, it's simply ridiculous to allow a perfectly good bed space to go unused like this when there are people who need a good night's rest. It would make much more sense for the couple to be in the double room and the individual child to sleep in the single room and the common sense choice was rejected in favor of pandering. And if your SIL is the one who insists that her son must be treated like a little prince, then why isn't she the one sleeping on the sofa bed? Did she also drive 11 hours yesterday?

Completely batshit.

OP please come back and update us by assuring us all you've packed up first thing this morning and are driving back home. This is nonsense

I'd go home as my DH would have a strategic bach ache from sleeping on the sofa.

Just move the 5 year olds stuff out of the double tomorrow and move your stuff in. If they ask, say the current arrangement isn't working and it's this or you leave.

'Poor DH' my arse. If I was given the choice of sofa (easy walk to the fridge, control of the TV, unbroken nights sleep) or share a room with a baby, I'd choose the sofa. You're being shoved in the box room with 100% responsibility of the baby while DH gets to be a teenager for 2 nights - of course he's not going to kick up a fuss. Win/win for everyone except you.