This sleeping arrangement is ridiculous right?

[Pondere]

We arrived at my in laws today and are staying for a week. SIL also arrived today and is staying for two nights. We live much further away so we have two long visits a year and then two weekend visits. SIL visits and stays for a night every month.

We have a 21 month old, and he sleeps in a travel cot when we visit. SIL has a five year old.

PIL have 4 bedrooms. One bedroom is obviously theirs. Then there is a double room with a double bed and then two singles with single beds in them.

Usually, when SIL visits, her 5 year old sleeps in the double bed and she is in one of the single rooms. When we visit, the three of us are in double room, with DH and I in the double bed and DS next to us in his travel cot.

This is the first time we are all staying at the same time (with children). SIL is insisting that her child gets the double room as per usual, because that is what he is used to and he won’t be able to sleep anywhere else. I’ve said it makes sense for us to have the double room seeing as all 3 of us can sleep in there, there’s space for the travel cot and then SIL and her child can sleep in each of the single rooms.

She has refused to budge and PIL agree that her son should get the double room because that’s where he always sleeps and he won’t sleep well otherwise.

The conclusion - SIL’s child has a double room and bed to himself. SIL has a single room and bed to herself. I’m in the single bed with DS in his travel cot next to me, which has just about fit in, it’s a very tight squeeze so I have to climb on to the bed the second I enter the room. DH is on the sofa. He doesn’t like fuss so is fine with the arrangement.

I know IANBU, because it makes no sense whatsoever that DS and I are in a tiny room with DH on the sofa when a 5 year old has a big room to himself. But equally, when SIL and PIL and even DH think it’s fine, I can’t help but doubt myself.

I would also just go.

It could be the mum knows there will be an absolute meltdown if the child is asked to sleep in an unfamiliar room.

But surely that's even more reason not to set his familiar expectations so high in the first place? I still can't understand why you'd give the one spare double bed to a young child in the first place - it's not like a 5yo is even big enough to gain extra enjoyment from a bigger bed.

Surely she realised that there would be times when there would be more family staying over? My only thinking is that she may be justifying it that she too has a husband who would deserve a bed space if he was able/bothered to come as well, so they're still only using three bed spaces. Even though there are only 4 bed spaces available for 4 people (as the baby has a cot), meaning that her preference will mean that an actual person who has come then misses out.

OP it’s a public forum literally anyone with internet access can see, don’t be daft.

if she’s on here she’ll have seen it on trending like everyone else 😂 why do people on MN seem to think it’s invisible to the outside world? Jesus wept.

@ABBAsnumberonefan because if you don’t use Mumsnet you won’t see threads. Lots more people read DM online or Facebook where this ad has popped up.

I agree with this. Terrible behaviour from MN

OP you know the sleeping arrangement is unreasonable and your child will see the inequality in how they're treated by their grandparents compared to their cousin as they get older if this continues so you do need to have that conversation with the grandparents at some point. I would not want my child to be put in a position where it is obvious (if they are crammed into a single room with their mother while their cousin gets a double bed to themselves) that they are considered somehow less worthy. I would be saying, if this is going to continue, we will not be visiting at same time as SIL for this reason because we do not want our child to get the (correct) impression that their cousin is more valued by you as this will be damaging to their relationship with you.

Your PIL may not 'mean' this to be the message and there may be 'reasons' but this will be the clear message your child will get. What are they going to do when your child is old enough to need a bed?

But that’s the point - we take the risk that others will be on MN but MN is a small world. When MN then go and share it on Facebook, it’s almost guaranteed others will see it as it expands the readers from MN only to all of social media.

It’s really not a small world. Anything you post online on a public forum can be seen by anyone. You need to take more calculated risks if MN promoting it on their SM is an issue for you.

a lot of MN threads pop up when people google questions too - it’s quite foolish to think mumsnet is a closed off, quiet area of the internet.

Threads literally come up on google searches all the time

I, personally, would be plenty more concerned with family and friends seeing a mumsnet fb ad (or a MN post in their feed that someone on their list has interacted with) and recognising the scenario than going out of their way to Google something similar which may or may not throw up a thread.

But that's just the risk with sharing on social media, unfortunately. Hope it hasn't bitten you in the ass, OP.

I did bring up the sleeping arrangements at breakfast today and asked what we would do next year when DS is bigger. All they could say was “oh I know, it’s a tough one isn’t it” or “at least we can all be together, that’s all that matters”.

I think that was your cue to say "Well, no actually, if this isn't sorted by next year we can't be together, because if we had the same arrangement again he would have nowhere to sleep, and it's not fair on DH to make him sleep on the sofa again. So if there isn't a different sleeping arrangement we can't come to stay". And maybe suggest that it's in your nephew's interests anyway to start getting used to a single bed - otherwise he's never going to be able to go on sleepovers with his friends, or on things like school trips.

Sorry, when I said "he would have nowhere to sleep", I meant your DS.

I, personally, would be plenty more concerned with family and friends seeing a mumsnet fb ad (or a MN post in their feed that someone on their list has interacted with) and recognising the scenario than going out of their way to Google something similar which may or may not throw up a thread.

Yes, very much this. The whole idea of a search engine is that you think in advance to look for something. Clickbaity things that pop up on SM are deliberately designed to catch your interest in something that you'd previously had no thought of.

In this scenario, I'm guessing that neither SIL nor PIL would ever think to search online about it, as they clearly don't see any issue with it. To them, it would be like going on to Google the model number of your washing machine along with 'problems' when it's working perfectly fine.

While I would not put everyone else out for the perceived needs of one healthy, able person (child or adult) I do understand to some extent that a five year old may be uncomfortable alone in an unfamiliar room. He has obviously got used to the double room so I'd put SIL in there with him and you and DH manage in the two singles. The argument about not wanting him to get into bad habits is ridiculous, everyone has to compromise when away from home. Does she get him his own room on holiday? Or his own tent or caravan?! Clearly not as that would be more of an unfamiliar place than PIL's single room. So she is dictating what she wants and PIL are buying it.

He has obviously got used to the double room

That's still the bit I fail to grasp, though. The extra space offered by a double bed is completely wasted on a 5yo child (and presumably younger than 5 when he first had it).

Giving him the double room in the first place, whilst his mum had a single, is the equivalent of buying an adult portion of food at a restaurant for a 5yo (and maybe ordering the Billy Badger dinosaur nuggets for the adults too) - it's not a special treat or a kindness, just a monumental inappropriate waste that can't be properly appreciated anyway.

Don’t make a fuss… this time. Next time they invite you all at the same time just insist on staying at a hotel or not going.

YANBU. That is mental.

You do know that the Owner of Mumsnet, Justine Roberts, is married to a British Journalist. Or he used to be but still very much has got connections and I guess it drives traffic to her website.
My main reason for limiting what I post on Mumsnet as many posters ended up in the tabloids and over the years Mumsnet HQ has done nothing to prevent that from happening. I know its a public forum but if they really cared they could have done something about it. I have been on Mumsnet for more than 15 years under different names.

Next time just ask about sleeping arrangements first and if they insist on this BS again just say there’s obviously no room for your family, and you don’t want to cause a fuss so your family will either stay in a hotel / or not go

Yes that is nuts! If the 5 Yr old absolutely must sleep in the double bed (which I don't think he should need to at all but, if) then the SIL should share it with him and at keast leave enough beds for others!

But the issue doesn't seem to be being alone in an unfamiliar room - he seems to be perfectly fine with that, given that his mum sleeps in a separate room. The issue seems to be purely wanting a double bed, which is fairly ridiculous for a child this age.

If you are going again when she is there I assume you will have notice. If the same thing happens I would simply book a hotel/ air bnb and if the pil don’t like it, tough

I’d be so angry with DH for not backing me up here or saying no to this. It’s a bit more than not liking ‘fuss’!! x

From the little info available, I'd say SIL is golden child, and DH is scapegoat. In this case, it is especially important that you make this your fight too, because he will have had a lifetime of putting his needs second, and just opting out to keep the peace.

I'd be very clear with all of them that it's a despicable way to treat their son/ brother, when he's driven all that way to see them. Then, it's not about you, or your SIL being a cow. The emphasis is squarely on how they treat their very close family member.

4 bedrooms. One is PiL, double for nephew, that leaves 2, so why didn't husband sleep in the one with you instead of his sister?
Does your nephew sleep in a double bed at home? If not, then why must he at grandparents place?
I think this is just your SiL wanting, and getting, her own way!!
You should consider staying at home next Christmas, or go to your own parents/family!