Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws cleaned our house while away....

465 replies

ohnnoclean · 28/12/2022 08:22

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohnnoclean · 28/12/2022 08:45

ImAvingOops · 28/12/2022 08:42

I think you have to reframe it in your mind to see it as it was likely intended - an act of help and support, rather than a judgement (assuming mil is generally nice).

That said, I can see why you hate it - it does feel intrusive to some people when others tidy or rearrange their houses. And it might be there's a difference between your own mum doing it and your mil.

I love it when my mum reorganises my kitchen cupboards or cleans something. It's always an improvement on how it was before, but I'd not feel so comfortable if mil did it. But I know that my mum would likely do this in my brother's house too and not feel it was different to my house. It would be done out of a desire to help.

All you can do next time is not leave her with a key and hope there is no emergency.

Yeah it's just that my H is also a bit uncomfortable and thinks we were likely judged.

I feel more conscious right now about house in general. Like suddenly I'm feeling really paranoid they think we are really dirty.

Anyway, I will let it go and just be grateful and make other arrangements next time.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohnnoclean · 28/12/2022 08:46

FlamingJingleBells · 28/12/2022 08:44

You said there were clothes everywhere so it can't have been that tidy. To me that's messy; not dirty but definitely not tidy.

I was in the process of packing when she came in. So I had just washed lots of thing and was packing and repacking a suitcase for a baby and toddler and myself... it was temporary and required !

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 28/12/2022 08:46

bigbadbarry · 28/12/2022 08:34

My MIL doesn’t visit very often but when she does she itches for me to leave the house so she can clean or organise something. She can’t help herself. I hate it because although she thinks she is helping it basically communicates that she thinks we are not good enough.

I often do a bit of cleaning / gardening / laundry at my DDs house. I don’t do it because I think they are not good enough, I do it because I know what it’s like being a busy parent with young kids and full time jobs, and anything that helps with the drudge of those jobs means they can have more family time and less stress of trying to fit everything in.
Maybe your MIL thinks the same?

ImAvingOops · 28/12/2022 08:48

Maybe not helpful but if she is the judgy type, she will have been doing that whether she actually cleaned or not. At least this way, she judged and you came back to a clean fridge Wink

@isthewashingdryyet you were unbelievably rude. If I was your mil I'd never do a thing for you again, as long as I lived. Hopefully you won't ever need a favour from her!

IneedanewTV · 28/12/2022 08:50

She was just being helpful. Stop reading too much into it. She wanted to help you both. My MIL did this when we were on honeymoon. We look back now with kindness as she has passed away. The time goes so quickly don’t spend it trying to be upset.

userxx · 28/12/2022 08:51

It seems like a nice gesture but you'd said no. I wouldn't like it either.

IneedanewTV · 28/12/2022 08:52

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2022 08:46

I often do a bit of cleaning / gardening / laundry at my DDs house. I don’t do it because I think they are not good enough, I do it because I know what it’s like being a busy parent with young kids and full time jobs, and anything that helps with the drudge of those jobs means they can have more family time and less stress of trying to fit everything in.
Maybe your MIL thinks the same?

Show quote history

Exactly this. Your MIL has been there with young kids. She is offering a little help.

stayathomer · 28/12/2022 08:52

I would have always thought I’d have loved someone to do this but having been on your side of this it’s actually awful. It’s happened twice with different in laws.I always secretly wondered what they thought of our chaotic and clean but not as clean as I’d like house (4 kids and we both work, my dream is to get a cleaner). Yes the rational thing is to be thrilled but it’s like ‘this is what this place would look like if you two weren’t at the helm’

Twiglets1 · 28/12/2022 08:52

You are being over sensitive. I would love it if someone tidied my house while I was away but so far, no takers.

KylieKangaroo · 28/12/2022 08:52

I would be quite happy. I always drop hints for my Mum but she never does it 😅

Pineconederby · 28/12/2022 08:52

@ImAvingOops - don’t be ridiculous! It’s not rude not to want someone rummaging through your house when you’re not there. The MIL was the rude one, crossing boundaries and overstepping. The OP had said no and she did it anyway. Clean house or not, it’s a breach of trust and has made the OP feel judged. I’d be getting the key back.

FelicityFlops · 28/12/2022 08:53

Gosh is it a working class thing to clean the house before going on holiday?
Unless you are doing a house swap, which is probably unlikely, what does it matter.

DannydeVitooo · 28/12/2022 08:54

FelicityFlops · 28/12/2022 08:53

Gosh is it a working class thing to clean the house before going on holiday?
Unless you are doing a house swap, which is probably unlikely, what does it matter.

Lol. No it’s a Hygienic thing

paintitallover · 28/12/2022 08:56

If it's holiday related, it's not about hygiene-it's cultural.

AnnaMagnani · 28/12/2022 08:57

My mum does this. It used to upset me until I grasped:

She did a really good job and saved me a lot of time

She was just finding a way to still be my mum and show her love

isthewashingdryyet · 28/12/2022 08:57

This was before we had kids, and she commented in a judgemental way about everything, the size and location of the house was no good, the colour of the walls was too much, the furniture was old fashioned, the way I cooked was wrong, (I got an A at Olevel and A level for Home Economics and Cooking), my car was too small, we went on holiday to the wrong places.

Are you getting the picture of just how awful a woman she is. Don’t see her
very often now

userxx · 28/12/2022 08:58

FelicityFlops · 28/12/2022 08:53

Gosh is it a working class thing to clean the house before going on holiday?
Unless you are doing a house swap, which is probably unlikely, what does it matter.

Nah, just nice to walk into a clean and tidy home when you return.

BarrelOfOtters · 28/12/2022 08:58

It’s not a working class thing…maybe a middle class thing. I’m a messy cow but. I love com8ng back to a tidy clean house from holiday….

wish my MIL would clean…..

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 28/12/2022 08:58

has she got another unmarried son ?
Asking for a friend.

diddl · 28/12/2022 08:59

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '..

Seems she was champing at the bit to get in!

You should have asked her what she was on about-& taken the key back!

BarrelOfOtters · 28/12/2022 08:59

I sometimes leave the woodburner uncleared out before FIL comes round as he can’t cope with it like that and does a beautiful job of clearing it out…..nothing said I just come down and it’s sparkling.

Goatsanddogs · 28/12/2022 09:00

I have been known to do this for my daughter but not my son and his partner. I know my daughter is extremely grateful and it’s a way i can help when she is stressed. With my son it’s a different situation and on the couple of occasions I have helped I asked him to check with his partner.

It’s a mum thing and we just want to help our children no matter how old they are .

bigbadbarry · 28/12/2022 09:00

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2022 08:46

I often do a bit of cleaning / gardening / laundry at my DDs house. I don’t do it because I think they are not good enough, I do it because I know what it’s like being a busy parent with young kids and full time jobs, and anything that helps with the drudge of those jobs means they can have more family time and less stress of trying to fit everything in.
Maybe your MIL thinks the same?

Show quote history

With respect, my own mother does it the way you do. MIL’s help comes with comments and judgement but I didn’t want to derail the thread - also, we love her and I didn’t want to make it sound like we are not. Presumably you can help your daughter without engineering I think 5 conversations in 2 days about how the family needs to make their new year resolutions about tidying and cleaning. There is zero acceptance that other people might not have an immaculate house as their main priority and that this does not indicate a personality flaw.

Hbh17 · 28/12/2022 09:01

Get your key back, or change the locks.
Also, why were the in laws wandering around your house while you were trying to pack to go away? Sounds like they need to wait until they are invited before coming round!

Fizbosshoes · 28/12/2022 09:03

Sounds like my late MIL.
Whenever she visited she'd always bring cleaning stuff and ask if she could "potter" ie rearrange things and create piles of things she thought need putting away. When my DC were very small I admit it was messy and probably not as clean as I (or she!) would have liked but if I said actually I'd love it if you spend some time with the kids or entertained them for half an hour for me, she wasn't interested, she only wanted to do cleaning and tidying. But in later years I cleaned the house to within an inch of its life if I knew they were coming for a inspection visit. She would always find something that needed doing.

I know I should have been grateful but (and maybe I mis-read it) the 2 unspoken messages I got were a) I wasn't doing a good enough job and b) she'd rather clean than spend time talking with us/playing with her GC. After several years I knew it wouldn't change and we ended up making a joke of it. I miss her a lot but I don't miss my kitchen being rearranged!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread