In laws cleaned our house while away....

[ohnnoclean]

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

Classic. MIL does something nice, trying to help and DIL is raging.

Why so dramatic? So you feel ‘judged’ - what’s she going to do - announce your slattern ways in the local paper? Get over yourself. It’s not about you. Most things aren’t. It’s about her and probably wanting to be feel needed and useful. You should thank her and move on.

This! Why were clothes all over the house because you were packing? Surely you just pack out of wardrobes and drawers?
She was obviously being kind and didn’t want you coming home to and untidy house with stuff out everywhere. I can’t think of anything worse. She’s helping you.

I would buy them a bunch of flowers and sing their praises to anyone who would listen, seriously

'Oh no a clean house how terrible'

I don't give two hoots who thinks what we wouldn't have to clean

It doesn't matter if mil meant it kindly, she was asked not to clean.
As I tell my dh when he's judging our adult dc sometimes, unless you pay their mortgage it's none of your business.

I wouldn’t see it as a judgement of anything but someone offering to help out. I know that when I’ve tidied up my sister’s, done her ironing and made sure there’s fresh milk/bread, she’s been nothing but appreciative. And she’s done similar for me .

Turn it around - is every offer of help you make based on a (critical) judgement? Why do you see this as such a loaded offer?

I absolutely would say something to her, it's made you both feel judged and you found it intrusive.
Mil did this when i was on my honeymoon. She rearranged my entire flat, including moving my bed to a different postion. Threw away all my important papers because DH wasn't named on them (I had bought the flat before we met). Re washed jumpers i had drying over the bath and shrank them. The list goes on. We had words 😒, she never did it again.
Bizarrely her house was constantly under a layer of dust and mine was spotless. It's most definitely a control thing.

This would be my interpretation. My mil wanting us to come back to a tidied house so I can relax after trip. But you can interpret as you wish but communicate your feelings

So do I, it’s not being intrusive it’s just helping out a bit.
When I looked after my DGCs I happily tidied around, did the laundry. Cooked the odd meal etc. Why wouldn’t you? My DDIL and DS certainly were grateful 😊

I think there’s two separate issues here.

1. that you feel judged. Whether you in laws did or didn’t judge I can’t work out, and you can’t know for sure. They might have has great intentions and just wanted to help. You have two kids, it’s hard to find the time to reorganise cupboards or clean out fridge. They could have thought as they had the time they would do something to help, rather then it just be them thinking you are “dirty”and not up to their standards. Who knows on this. And unless you out right ask them I think for the benefit of your relationship you need to give them the benefit of the doubt and move on.

2. (what ever their thoughts on tidiness levels were) that they actually went into your house without permission and tided. I would be really uncomfortable finding out my in laws or my parents had been in my house without my permission, going through my things. I do think you could raise that issue with them. Just say the key is for an actual emergency, and even though they “good intentions” you both don’t feel comfortable with them just letting themselves in.

Yep, me too. It sounds like she was just trying to do a nice thing! I’d take it at face value and not presume that her intensions are a passive aggressive indictment of the state of your house. If any of my relatives cleaned my house whilst I was away I would be thrilled.

It’s overstepping the mark whether it was meant to be helpful or not. Ties in neatly with last night’s thread about MILs.

I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course.

I wouldn’t assume this, you don’t have to take things personally. Fair enough if you don’t feel comfortable with people in your space without invitation, though.

My Mum used to do my brother (and SIL’s) ironing while they were away. Not out of criticism but because she knew they were a busy pressured family with 2 jobs, 2 kids and not much time off, and wanted them to get the best out of their time away. They were grateful.

But a legion of MNers would doubtless have slagged her off.

My Dad did this for me after we had been away and he was popping in to feed the cat. We also saw him on our doorbell cleaning our windows. I was so embarrassed as I thought he thought I was scruffy. He said he didn't think that at all it was just while the house was empty and no children or pets (apart from the cat) in it he thought he'd give us a hand. Plus he was finding things to keep himself busy!

there's another MIL thread on here about a MIL who isn't as involved - if this thread is indicative of how MILs are seen by some people, it's no wonder.

They are trying to send you a message, please learn from it.

I'd be ok with the cleaning, frankly i hate cleaning and i do it because it must be done but if someone else wants to? have at it.
But if they rearranged my cupboards? I would unleash the dogs of war.

Ithink the crux is MIL asked & Op said no.

@BabyFour2023 you're just being pedantic. I already explained why there were clothes around. I was packing downstairs in the laundry room, as I'd just done a load of laundry as I have a young baby and toddler who go through a million outfits a day.. especially the baby. So some clothes were in drawers and carried to the suitcase in the laundry room, others were just coming out of the dryer and being folded. Then I packed and it wouldn't fit, so I had to take everything out and repack it etc.

Sorry I'm not a perfect packer like you are, clearly. But it's not as straight forward for me and I was rearranging things when she came in. So there were clothes around, sounds like you're trying to make me sound like a massive slob. Once the packing was finished, I had put away all clothes and there was literally no mess anywhere. It was just the process of packing that created some mess. A couple of people have brought this up now to show me up, clearly. Trying to prove some kind of point that my home is a mess and it needed a desperate clean.

An offer of help that was emphatically not taken up and yet she still went ahead and played around with the cupboards.

it is intrusive.

and who gives a shit how anyone else packs their suitcases, OP had clothes laid out when she packs suitcases, so what?

and BOTH OP and her husband are upset and feel judged by MIL.

if you’re told no do not clean my house, leave it well alone. Not to do so is plain rude.

Blimey, you sound like hard work.

You and your partner know your family member best, if you think this was a statement of judgement rather than a statement of help then you may want to think about how you respond to it. I think you may have been too polite in your communication when she said she would clean while you were away, if you said 'don't worry' that could have been interpreted as no but yes. Now you know to be very clear - you absolutely wont come into the house cleaning while we are gone, I would not be comfortable with that at all. I am wondering how you will respond now its happened? Will you just not comment? Or will you acknowledge but say thank you? or will you clarify what you meant when you said 'don't worry' - if its going to cause issues then it is probably best talked about so she has an understanding that you dont experience that type of input as helpful but see it as a judgemental/intrusive and it leaves you uncomfortable.

I'm a MIL, and my son and DIL are never insulted when I help them out whilst babysitting etc.
Imagine help being insulting?!
There will be others on here moNing that their PIL dont help them at all!
Take it in the spirit it was likely intended. Not everything has to be a drama.

I had issues with my MIL letting herself in with a key we'd given her (for us to use in emergencies). One time I nearly had a heart attack when I came downstairs in a towel after being in the shower and she was in the living room with her sister, having just 'popped in'.

She'd let herself in when the house was empty, to drop things off and the final straw was when we went on holiday too. I'd bought several new bras for going away, some of them didn't fit and in the general rush of packing and leaving they'd just been left on our bed. When we got back she'd been in and packed the bras away and straightened the bed up etc. She might have thought she was being helpful but all I could think was why the fuck were you even in our bedroom! I got the key back then.

Me too, how is it judgmental or controlling? It's a nice thing to do. My mum often used to do my ironing for me when she visited (she doesn't even iron her own things now!)

Do you do it despite being told no please don’t rearrange the kitchen cupboards?