In laws cleaned our house while away....

[ohnnoclean]

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

"My DH's grandma once bought me and his cousins matching thongs! 🙈"

This is no big deal. It was probably just a 'buy 3, get 1 free' sale. She simply has an eye for a great deal.

Just kidding.

😱😱😱

I'm dreading being a mother in law.

Just try not to be a cunt and you'll be fine.

Providing she doesn’t ‘swear’ I can cope with almost anything but never ‘potty mouth’
Im still confused as to why you would be upset with In-laws cleaning, tidying etc for you.

@Sainte because it’s my home and my cupboards are arranged how I like them. OP’s house was clean. OP told MIL not to go into the house. Why should OP be pleased that MIL did something she didn’t want her to do?

Why should a MIL (or DM) have a right to go into someone’s else house and start rearranging/tidying it to the way they want it with no regard to the actual people who live in the house?

I’ve also asked this before why is it only women who do this? Are their lives so empty or have they been brain washed/conditioned to think that cleaning is their role in life. Will the next generation of DMs and MILs do this? Fine to help if asked but if you do something that someone doesn’t want you to do, it isn’t helping

I once watched my ( judgemental, emotional) mother in law clean my sister in law's already clean house for her. Anyway, after MIL cleaned, she said "when SIL gets home, she will think she has the best mother in law. No one would ever do this for me". So it was nothing to do with SIL being dirty or anything.

Dear Toomuch - sorry you are feeling it’s only a female situation. Just not my lived experience as I had a house proud Father who would often hoover and tidy if he thought it needed.
Don't think we’ll ever agree on this.
(Think OP needs her husband to be a go between, perhaps that’s where the harmony lies)
I wish you a Happy New Year ( if that’s ok? )

My inlaws have always made passive-agressive remarks about my cleaning (not frequent enough, not thorough enough). They lived in a small house with her parents (so 4 adults) and one child (my husband. They cleaned every nook and cranny every week - or so they claimed. I clean whenever something needs cleaning. My house is tidy, clean and healthy. Also, we (me, DH and 2 DC) shower and put on clean clothes daily. My inlaws not so, once a week at the best. My DH always supported me, spoke up for me and our family. But they always claimed they were so much tidier than me because they went through the whole house weekly. Then they died, and I had to empty the house. Those oh-so-clean people were not clean at all. I found very old and grimy stuff in every drawer and every cupboard. Nothing was really clean, you know the feeling when a greasy plate has only been rinsed in cold water, not washed with hot water and Fairy? That! And in grandma's old room there were rolls of fabric, old papers, old clothes, all moth eaten and mouldy. Drawers were filled with everything from hundreds of old playingcards, old keys, hundreds of elastic bands, buttons, shoelaces, old greasy combs to discarded glasses and used batteries. Everything fitted in like 3D jigsaw puzzles. I had to wear rubber gloves I was so disgusted by the grime. When my husband saw all this he was in shock, he really never knew. So I'm telling you, those the loudest in claiming how clean everything is at their place could véry well have something to hide.

I completely get why this would bother you op, it would rile me too. Not even just the worry about being judged, but the fact that she’d been all through your house in your absence would really bother me, especially after asking her not to. My MIL has a spare key for a ‘incase of emergencies’ situation and last time we were on holiday she was supposed to let herself in through the back gate to grab something from the garden but I saw on the doorbell that she was actually in the house and it bothered me. Not only that she’d been in our house without us being there, but also that she didn’t mention to us before or after that she had let herself in or why. It is absolutely ok to have boundaries for your own home, maybe even more so with people who think they’re entitled to be there regardless of your wishes.

I would be delighted if my MIL cleaned my house for me! Don’t you think she was just trying to be helpful? Don’t worry about it - I wouldn’t!

OP’s house was clean.

Then surely it could have not been cleaned further.

Except it’s not. Unless the boundary is laid down it can be breached again.

I don’t think the point is about whether this is a kind favour. Some people seem to be happy with the concept of a friend or relative “helping “ in this way which is fine (and not the point).

point being that our home is the place we live our most basic and private times and habits. The place where most of us form our identity.

To have unsought and unwanted invasion of this privacy is insensitive and crass behaviour by the perpetrator regardless of who they are.

Last paragraph - yes.

But a story I have from long ago - friends PILs staying at their absent friend’s house decided to sand and re wax an old table without discussion as a “lovely thank you “ surprise. The owners were furious, the original patina on table wrecked ( possible devaluation).

not dissimilar, stop interfering with other people’s stuff and their way of living. Especially if you know nothing about their home,

I’m a mil to 2. I’m walking on egg shells not to upset the dils.
I have a dragon of a mil myself which I don’t want my dils to ever think I am the same.
I think mum of sons get a rough deal. I love my dils but their mums always come first. Invited to every sports day/class assembly etc. and one mother is absolutely horrible to my dil (toxic mother daughter relationship)won’t help in any way.. yet the red carpet comes out if she visits . It’s very hurtful. My husband and I do all the babysitting and childcare so all the work. The mother gets all the rewards.
don’t be hard on the mil. Maybe she’s being kind and wants to be your friend (that’s my take on it)

@Christerbell Thats very tough on you. I don’t think anyone should have to walk on eggshells. Basic kindness is all it takes

If you're not being invited to events, why do you blame DIL rather than your son?

It’s not blame in any way. It’s just the way it is. And very common for many mils.

Im very grateful that one of my dil calls me mum and we have a lovely relationship.
Just don’t be hard on the mil, I can talk from experience

It’s the way it is because your son hasn’t stepped up to be an equal father.

Will the next generation of DMs and MILs do this?

The majority of us work and have some exposure to equal parenting so I hope this concept will die out.

But equally I don't think it is just about that. It's about control. And people dissatisfied with their lives or with certain personalities will always seek a way to control and belittle others.

If you have a mil with this type of personality, you see it across your life stages. When you are young and pretty with a job it can take the form of trying to control what you eat, suggesting diet when you are thin, controlling your clothes choices, trying to suggest contact from partner with ex girlfriends or comparing them, even being vocal about how many holidays you have or how much you lie in on your day off.

When you get a house and children it switches to cleanliness, parenting, criticism of amount of toys or screen time, children's diet etc.

They'll find a way and unless their sons accept that their pushing the boundaries does not come from a 'nice place' they'll continue to do so.

At least op your son has his eyes open to her motives.

Oh I forgot religion, criticism of working/not working/potty training and childcare choices.

Your be surprised how many elements of a Dil life they'll want to 'help' with yet happily do bigger all equivalent helping for their sons.

My Nan used to look after me and my brother every day after school and would also pop down and clean our house about twice a week when I was little. My dad (her son) worked abroad for months at a time and my mum worked full time. It was never a controlling overbearing MIL issue and it wasn't just because she wanted to help out I later learnt it was because she was bored rigid as a housewife and needed stuff to do to stop her going insane. Not saying your situation is like this at all as you specifically told her not to and that should be resoected but I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that she is being judgemental she could just genuinely be trying to help.

Not saying your situation is like this at all as you specifically told her not to

The only relevant part of your post. You are welcome for the free editing.

If someone is bored rigid then they need to find something in their own life to do not going into someone else’s house especially when asked not to

My point is, your son could manage events and invite you. He fails to do so, but you blame the DIL. Why?