In laws cleaned our house while away....

[ohnnoclean]

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

My MIL does this. Every time we go away and I bloody love her for it.

Or MIL stop being overbearing and ignoring boundaries?

I would mind but would get over it too, as they done this to help you and to be kind, they probably appreciate that you are busy and cleaned with kindness rather than judgment,

Someone did that for me. I felt extremely patronised and people I told about it were horrified and that made me feel as though I wasn't going mad but I think it's overstepping the line and I would also feel bloody cross.

I literally haven't spoken to the do called friend again who did that, unwanted, for me.

It’s amazing the people twisting themselves in knots to say that because they like it, OP needs to like it also.

If the OP said no, then the MIL shouldn’t have come in. Helping is only helping if it is wanted, otherwise it is interference.

In what world is rearranging cupboards in somebody else’s home when not asked for helping not interfering. For those saying that is fine would you dream of rearranging cupboards when staying at MILs or at a friend’s house.

This.
It's a very kind thing to do.
My grandmother used to clean for my mum when she was out at work. My late MIL cleaned for me and would never take a penny.

I know how you feel because I feel like that when my MIL cleans our house. In fact I don't like the way most other people clean. Maybe it's a bit of an OCD thing, ( no offence to anyone). But pick your battles OP- is this something worth even bringing up? She was trying to help out.

Well you are one nice DIL. My son’s partner controls him totally and we are rarely invited round. High days and holidays and we only live 25 minutes away. I wish my son was with someone like you. I guess MIL meant well but from my experience it was taking a complete liberty. As a nearly MIL I think you are lovely to just tolerate it and not say anything as no doubt she means well but it’s a shame she can’t be made to see how lucky she is! I’m feeling so down as in the past year since my son moved out I’ve lost him really.

My dm went round pulling up weeds in my cousin’s garden. My cousin stopped her, fuming, because they attracted bees and butterflies and were quite pretty. Just because they’re weeds doesn’t make them unwanted. I never pull dandelions because the dogs love them and spend ages grubbing them up from the patio.

My grandma used to do this. When my mum was away she'd clean up a bit, especially if my brother was at home still - he'd do naff all.

anyway, in your circumstance I would be annoyed too. If people were in my house. I'm a control freak and very touchy about who, how and what gets cleaned. I'm very much a my way kind of person. Especially if things had been put back in the wrong place!

I would hate it if anyone other than a cleaner I had employed cleaned my house. Maybe these people genuinely think they are being helpful, but they need to give this a little more thought. "Shall I clean your house" replied to with "No thanks" does not equal letting yourself into someone else's home while they are away and cleaning out the fridge and rearranging their cupboards

To be honest, I would take it in the spirit intended. When I was younger, my Grandparents would just snoop (not clean). I think she was genuinely trying to be helpful. You could say something like 'that was very kind of you to clean the house whilst we were away, but I am mortified that you thought you had to. Also, please don't feel the need to do it next time, I am rather specific about where things go' and just leave it at that.

Oh I'd hate this. My MIL is a wonderful woman and my kids adore her, but she does treat the house like it is her own and it drives me mad when she cleans it etc. I can't bring myself to thank her because I hate it. It's really weird. I would never dream of being a guest in someone's house and randomly cleaning it... it really is judgemental and crosses a line.

I always felt judged by MIL whether she meant it or not.
She probably was trying to be helpful. She never asked "what can I do to help " she decided what she thought needed doing or would give her the most satisfaction (she enjoyed housework!)
When Dc were very little, weeding the garden, rearranging kitchen utensils or tidying but creating a pile of toys that needed sorting/putting away later were actually not high on my agenda, I'd have preferred a half an hour break from my kids.

How the fuck is someone coming into your house and rearranging a cupboard "helpful"?
The op had already said no, she's also said it wasn't dirty or messy.
Mil didn't need to come in, her 'help' wasn't wanted, and she knew that but carried on regardless.

She was obviously planning it as a little surprise while you were away. She meant well I think.

What a wonderfully kind gesture from your MIL. If I returned from holidays to a clean house I'd be very grateful TBH.

Cleaning a property you’ve stayed is just basic good manners.

That's true but there are also a lot of people who think it was just a kind gesture. And of those who agree with you, many seem to have an agenda of nightmare in laws/parents.

Without a backstory of controlling and interfering behaviour then I don't really get why you leap to the idea that someone is being judgmental by offering a kind gesture. You could then say that anyone who ever offers to help is only doing so because they think you're incompetent in some way. Which is a really sad way to think in my view.

For what it's worth, I never had anyone help me with the children or cleaning when I had young children and I might think it was a nice gesture to help as a surprise (definitely not rummuging in drawers or wash baskets though). I think it's part of trying to be family minded. But you don't seem to want to see it in any other way but negatively, which is a shame in my view.

It’s amazing the people twisting themselves in knots to say that because they like it, OP needs to like it also.

This

And if your cupboards had been rearranged @PlinkPlonkFizz? Is that helpful? What about if she had thrown some things away or taken to a charity as she didn’t think they were necessary anymore, in the guise of being helpful, would that be okay?

Do you go and rearrange cupboards at other people’s houses without them asking you?

Why is deemed okay for MILs to come in and rearrange their son’s house and DILs should just be grateful

My DMIL when she came to stay was always cleaning and tidying. I mean, she would always re clean the bath! Obviously, I would have given it a good clean before MIL came to stay. I realised over the years this was her way of showing love. She wasn’t a cuddler, didn’t play with the grandkids etc. but if anything needed doing she was there. I loved her for it. Try to see it this way.

What about if she had thrown some things away or taken to a charity as she didn’t think they were necessary anymore, in the guise of being helpful, would that be okay?

Why invent things that didn't happen? Almost as if you're trying to wind up the OP.