In laws cleaned our house while away....

[ohnnoclean]

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

So you are happy to 'ask her to do a job' but if she dares take any initiative you will 'go batshit' at her?

Lovely human you are ....

Just reframe your fears about being judged into an alternative viewpoint that gives her the benefit of the doubt - it’s not as if you have actually been disadvantaged in any way by any perceived judgement, after all, as you have got a clean fridge out of it, so why waste time on feeling judged? Maybe she always cleaned obsessively before anyone came to stay in her home, so wanted to let you know you didn’t need to do that, because she recognised what an unnecessary extra stress it put on her to be so paranoid. Maybe she was bored and wanted something to do while staying at yours. Maybe, due to her own tiresome paranoia about what others think of her, she though she ought to at least clean anything she had used - and stored her stuff in your fridge and that cupboard. Life is too short for all the time people waste reading negative judgements into other people’s otherwise innocuous actions.

I’m surprised so many people live close enough do their mums or MILs can pop in to do some cleaning. Mine live many hours away. I’d like it if someone helped me out like this. Neither my parents or in-laws have keys to my place. My mum likes to help when she visits, but my MIL wouldn’t.

Or said 'you are totally right MIL, if you are around and fancied popping in that would be amazingly kind and take the pressure off me'.

We had similar once, and yes we did feel it was intrusive and judgemental. We'd been running late for work and so left our breakfast things on the worktop to go in the dishwasher with dinner. DH's uncle was doing a bit of work on our house at the time and dropped something off unannounced, fine. He brought his wife for the drive and she saw the breakfast things and took it upon herself to clean and reorganise the whole kitchen (that her husband was ripping out the following week)! We were very unhappy.

I think it's because it's something she wouldn't have done when you were there. If my mum or MIL had done the dishes and put them away I wouldn't have thought anything of it as they've done that hundreds of times with me or DH while we're here so they know where everything goes and that we don't mind them going into those presses. An aunt we see once a year was different. Similar for you I'm guessing - she would never clean your fridge and reorganise your presses with you there.

Regardless of the intentions it felt intrusive for you. I’d get the key back asap - use a pretext of friend/tradesman needing it if you prefer.

Don’t give your spare key to your neighbour though, until you’ve read this thread: 😮

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4706690-wont-stop-asking

I always like to leave my house clean and tidy when I go away. I always do it. There's nothing worse than coming back to a dirty / messy house. So I made sure I left it that way, no matter what she said. That's my preference.

In terms of being judged. I'm not the only one who thinks we may have been judged. My husband is also a bit about it and would have preferred if it hadn't happened. Those are our feelings and they're perfectly valid I think. Will I show that to MIL ? No. Just letting it go. It was a nice gesture, but probably there's some judgement there too.

My mil would do nonsense like this. It is overstepping. My mil struggles with anyone placing boundaries with her and I find she is opportunistic in overstepping, she’d never dare to do stuff if I were here, only behind my back. On our last holiday they had a key as were picking up the dog from kennels on the morning we were due back, I came home to find she’d replanted my window boxes (with her homegrown, hardy plants in colours that I don’t actually like- they look like weeds!) it’s taken them until now to die since the summer, so I can finally rip them out and replant without looking ungrateful. She also hoovered my house and cleaned my blinds, which is helpful, but I don’t appreciate her coming in behind my back to do so.

My advice, get your key back.

This is why in-laws should never have a key for emergencies. Can’t you give it to a friend or neighbour?

Leave some sex toys out next time.

She could have simply been showing her support and love to you all as a family with a very busy household. Maybe in her heart it was just a way she could show her love in a practical way.
Imagine her sadness when you both throw that love back in her face when you insist there won’t be a next time just because you took it (the wrong way) as a criticism. Can you try to accept it as a positive family act of love instead of being prickly about it and causing such negativity further down the line when you go away next time.

You both know your MIL but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she was judging when she helped. Some people do this simply to be nice or useful. My parents did this when I went away with my baby, we came home to a sparking house. I'm sure there was no judgement and it was simply doing something nice for me.

They are trying to send you a message, please learn from it.

Does she usually respect your personal boundaries?

You are taking it personally when you shouldn't.

If my MIL decided to clean my house for me I would be ecstatic.

Yes, ‘take back the key’

Yes, learn that your MIL is a CF and to take back the key or get the locks changed.

What message exactly?
Your house isn't good enough?
We know better than you?
We can do what we like even though you said no?
Jeez
Nobody should be going in to anyone else's house and doing things if they haven't been asked.

@ohnnoclean - what’s the use of valid negative feelings that achieve nothing but the negativity?

Clearly there was nothing to clean if she was rearranging your cupboard and the contents in your fridge.

next time before you go if she starts on about don’t worry about cleaning, say everything is already clean and ready please don’t come and tidy when you’re away as it’s really inconvenient to come home and be unable to find anything in the cupboards.

Frankly, the whole build up, asking you not to clean before you went away, makes me think she wanted to do something she perceived to be kind for you. Far less judgemental than cleaning without having specifically said not to. For all you know, she feels judged because she feels you don’t ask her for help enough, because she is “only the mother in law.” At least she said something to alert you to the fact she might be intending to try to help, in her mind, while you were away.

Only on MN could you get this precious attitude. Life is very busy when you've hot kids, ft job etc. I'm not being patronising but we've all been there. Unless she's normally very judgemental & interfering I'd take it in the spirit it was intended. She probably thought ste was doing something nice for you & not being a judgemental cow. As long as she hasn't gone through your cupboards/drawers then appreciate the kind gesture 🙄

My MIL used to do this kind of thing all the time when my kids were tiny. I also used to think she was judging and then one day I realized she was just trying to show her love in a very simple way in order to make our lives easier. After that, I couldn’t be happier. Not everything has to be a power struggle.

There's never a need to reorganise someone else's cupboards. Presumably they were already organised the way OP and her DH like them.

My parents did this once for us when the children wee little.

Best present ever.