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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws cleaned our house while away....

465 replies

ohnnoclean · 28/12/2022 08:22

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

OP posts:
pinkpantherpink · 30/12/2022 12:30

I'd embrace the fact that the fairies had visited and tided up. Would it have been different I'd it had been the equivalent of your own mum?

She probably did it with a kind heart and was happy to give you that gift of a tidy home when you got back.

toomuchlaundry · 30/12/2022 12:33

@pinkpantherpink have you ignored the part where OP said the house was tidy and she asked MIL not to come into the house when they were away. Key is for emergencies, rearranging cupboards doesn’t come under that category last time I looked

toomuchlaundry · 30/12/2022 12:34

@thiswillbedisplayedwhenyoupost how did she know what to keep and what to throw away when sorting through the cupboards

thiswillbedisplayedwhenyoupost · 30/12/2022 12:45

Use by date 😊but it was more of a tidy than a throw, I love her for giving me her time

MrsRonaldWeasley · 30/12/2022 12:54

Oh no, no, no! Absolutely not! I would go mental if my MIL did this! Or anyone that didn’t live in my household for that matter!

thiswillbedisplayedwhenyoupost · 30/12/2022 13:03

I am sick of listening to cross people, had a crsp christmas with covid now reading cross messages won't go on mumsnet again

NattyNatashia · 30/12/2022 13:05

Send her around to my house anytime :)

justasking111 · 30/12/2022 13:08

MrsRonaldWeasley · 30/12/2022 12:54

Oh no, no, no! Absolutely not! I would go mental if my MIL did this! Or anyone that didn’t live in my household for that matter!

What if your daughter had mental health issues and was drowning in the chaos. Ditto the whole family. I know a granny who kept things going by going in and cleaning, washing, shopping for the family. No judgement she just cracked on because of her grandchildren.

MrsRonaldWeasley · 30/12/2022 13:16

@justasking111 but that is not what happened in this instance - that’s a completely different situation!

The OP was not “drowning in the chaos” - the OP had just gone on holiday! What I said was that I would go mental if someone did this… in this situation.

toomuchlaundry · 30/12/2022 13:17

@justasking111 but surely that would be something that is agreed. You don’t just unilaterally decide that your DIL’s house needs to be tidied to your exacting standards and cupboards rearranged to your liking, especially when the DIL has specifically said don’t do it. And the house is tidy and DH agrees that MIL has overstepped, but MIL is so aggressive they can’t raise this with her

Sainte · 30/12/2022 13:51

Wish my parents and in-laws were still around. Be mindful of what you wish for.
She seems to be trying too hard for your taste. I feel sorry for her. She wants to be useful and the family door of kindness is closed to her. How sad other folks lives can be. I do hope the hand of friendship is extended to her.

threatmatrix · 30/12/2022 13:54

Typical British reply. I would be over the moon if she had done this for me. I always have a cleaner when I’m away so I come back to a lovely house. As long as you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of I can’t see the problem. Would you have cared if it was your mum.

Stewball01 · 30/12/2022 13:54

I would imagine the clothes had been picked up after the suitcases were packed.
How do you get on with you MiL? My mum once cleaned the floor around my oven which was dirty 🥺, on her hands and knees. I was very grateful.
My MiL came to stay also without asking before I had my first baby. My mum came too as expected. She came from South Africa and my mum from England. After I had the baby, 52 years ago, she wanted me to fold the nappy in a very complicated manner. I said we were going with Dr. Spock. She got upset. Cried to my mum and called me a slut for not cleaning. The baby was a week old. Thank goodness she lived in South Africa.
She turned my milk I was so stressed.
Just either say thank you or say nothing at all depending on your relationship.

orchid220 · 30/12/2022 14:22

Her heart was obviously in the right place and she probably wasn't judging you but tidying/cleaning someone's private space isn't really something you do as “surprise”. I think it's difficult for some parents to appreciate the fact that their children are adults and they shouldn’t interfere. Those that think it is a nice thing to do probably haven't been on the receiving end of it.

orchid220 · 30/12/2022 14:24

threatmatrix · 30/12/2022 13:54

Typical British reply. I would be over the moon if she had done this for me. I always have a cleaner when I’m away so I come back to a lovely house. As long as you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of I can’t see the problem. Would you have cared if it was your mum.

If you have a cleaner why would you be "over the moon"?

threatmatrix · 30/12/2022 14:35

orchid220 · 30/12/2022 14:24

If you have a cleaner why would you be "over the moon"?

Show quote history

Because then I wouldn’t have to pay a cleaner. Mil didn’t charge 🤦🏼‍♀️

toomuchlaundry · 30/12/2022 14:46

@Sainte have you missed the bit where MIL can be aggressive, not sure her family door of kindness is open!

mathanxiety · 30/12/2022 15:27

@threatmatrix

If it's fine and dandy to pick up and put away other people's clothes, open their drawers and closets, and clean out their fridges, would you be happy if the person who holds your spare key took it upon herself to let herself into your home and do this favour for you whenever you were away? Is there any difference between a random neighbour and a family member?

mathanxiety · 30/12/2022 15:29

@isthewashingdryyet

Absolutely agree with your comments.

aloris · 30/12/2022 16:05

"I think it’s a lovely thing to do. I’m a mum of 2 adult sons. And think mum of sons get the short straw too often. She’s only being kind and helpful. Don’t take it the wrong way by reading into it. She probably just wants to be your friend. "

That's what I thought too, until she went in my and my husband's dressers and made it clear that she had seen the very private things in there, and showed absolutely no awareness that it was inappropriate and an invasion of my privacy. Bonkers.

toomuchlaundry · 30/12/2022 16:09

But friends don’t come and clean my house and rearrange cupboards so why should my MIL (or DM)

threatmatrix · 30/12/2022 16:16

mathanxiety · 30/12/2022 15:27

@threatmatrix

If it's fine and dandy to pick up and put away other people's clothes, open their drawers and closets, and clean out their fridges, would you be happy if the person who holds your spare key took it upon herself to let herself into your home and do this favour for you whenever you were away? Is there any difference between a random neighbour and a family member?

This is why I said typically British, we are a strange lot so protective of our cupboards and drawers. To answer your question if someone has a key to my home then they are 100% trusted. I couldn’t give to fecks as long as my house was cleaned.

toomuchlaundry · 30/12/2022 16:27

I don't think it is particularly British to not want people (family or not) rearranging cupboards in you own home. There are some cultures where daughters/DILs have no say in their own home but I don't think we should be aspiring towards that attitude

SamosaChaat · 30/12/2022 16:41

Janecat23 · 29/12/2022 18:14

My MIL tidied my underwear draw after we gave them our bedroom when they came to stay. I throw it all in the draw anyhow and opened it to find all my bras and knickers carefully folded…. It felt like a scene from a horror film!! Beat that!!!

My DH's grandma once bought me and his cousins matching thongs! 🙈

MrsRonaldWeasley · 30/12/2022 16:43

@SamosaChaat you win! 🙈🤣🤣🤣