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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws cleaned our house while away....

465 replies

ohnnoclean · 28/12/2022 08:22

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

OP posts:
thiswillbedisplayedwhenyoupost · 29/12/2022 18:34

Umm so free baby sitter but she can't be kind, you sound an ungrateful person so glad you aren't my dil, about time you employed a nanny you may understand the worth of this kind lady, what is wrong with young people you are all so selfish. Say thank you buy her some flowers and be grateful hopefully this lady is passing on kindness to your children by them witnessing the best gift of all, time

TheGoodTheBadAndTheIrritated · 29/12/2022 18:37

Take it a in the spirit in which it was given. She meant well. If she was judging, she’d have been really catty about it.

JT12 · 29/12/2022 18:37

FelicityFlops · 28/12/2022 08:53

Gosh is it a working class thing to clean the house before going on holiday?
Unless you are doing a house swap, which is probably unlikely, what does it matter.

What an odd question. It’s a personality thing. I have a list of things I do before leaving on holiday. Many of them only get done before I go away. The main things are making sure the house is clean, bins empty, dishes done and put away, bills paid, paperwork organised, washing done, beds changed. I then fully relax on holiday and come home to an up to date house. Why would that be working class. (Ps - I am not working class ….. not that it would matter)

thiswillbedisplayedwhenyoupost · 29/12/2022 18:39

I am crying I miss my mum, she would do this too, why do people not see this as kindness, so glad your mum was like mine we were lucky x

Bugbabe1970 · 29/12/2022 18:41

I'd bloody love it

alwayscheery · 29/12/2022 18:47

I usually pay a cleaner to come and finish anything I didn't have time to do.
Last of the ironing pile.
Polish all the taps and mirrors.
Wash all the shelves in the fridge.
Dust and freshen up everywhere. Put the dustbins bins out , deep clean the kitchen and bathroom bins and re-line.
I always put Harpic or bleach in all the toilets but I ask the cleaner to flush the toilets and run the taps to stop the water getting stale.
Milk and bread for our return.
I usually change all the beds but the cleaner will change and wash the bed linen if I ask.

LOVETHISCHAT · 29/12/2022 18:53

2 options spring to mind:
1.) Politely ask for your keys back and give them to someone responsive who won’t mess with your house in your absence.
2.) Presume you’ve got keys to her house? If so then rearrange everything in there to
your liking next time she’s away and see how that lands.

Inwiththenew · 29/12/2022 18:55

I think it sounds like your Mil had already decided she wanted to help you by cleaning and it was probably just a nice thing. I get it though if it was my mil I’d be horrified that she had free rein to snoop around where I don’t clean. Because she would hunt the dirty places out and use them against me for years to come. But that’s my mil.

Panic71 · 29/12/2022 18:59

She sounds amazing! Send her to me please!!!

MummaCl4 · 29/12/2022 19:04

Sounds like you are being a bit touchy! I assume she was just trying to be kind and thought she was being helpful. It’s the kind of thing my mum would do to try and help. Cleaning isn’t the first thing I want to be doing when I get back from my holiday! I bet she just wanted to help. Take it as a kind thing and move on.

Longleggedgiraffe · 29/12/2022 19:09

This wouldn’t worry me at all. I’d be grateful, especially if I hadn’t left it tidy before I left.

gogohmm · 29/12/2022 19:10

Can we swop? I'd love a mil kind enough to clean my fridge!

Rustyheart · 29/12/2022 19:11

I’d love it if they could come and stay at mine. I need help desperately. But I do understand your feelings op. I’d probably tend to think that she meant kindly.

Missyc11 · 29/12/2022 19:12

ohnnoclean · 28/12/2022 13:00

@Mirabai I didn't leave a mess at all.

Thats all you seem to be droning on about.. Take the key off her, or ask your DH to and leave it it at that. Why give her one in the First place? You stated you had many fall outs over "similar situations"

My family are very different, we all love to help each other when we can. I've often cleaned and got in food essentials for friends/family when they have been on and holiday and they have dine the same for me. My MIL can clean my home anytime she likes. Life's far too short.

Quietexpectations · 29/12/2022 19:17

Ahhh my MIL is like this too! She once helped us move a couple of boxes into our new house and I caught her MOPPING our new front door. Recently I answered the door to her and couldn't see her - she was clearing my tiny front garden out of view and then came in complaining that i'd locked the door so she couldn't just let herself in.

I try to tell myself that my partner and I work full time and have a 2 year old. We always do our best and if it's not up to her standards, that's her problem.

aloris · 29/12/2022 19:18

MIL's who rearrange your house are overstepping their bounds. It's not ok, even if they are very good at cleaning. She may be well-intentioned but the fact that you can't just say, please stop cleaning my house, it makes me uncomfortable, indicates you have bigger problems. You are allowed to set that boundary, even if every other person on Mumsnet would love their MIL to come clean their house (and as someone with a similar MIL to yours, NO, I don't want her to come clean my house. It starts with rearranging some plates in the kitchen, escalates to hiding misplacing your important papers, and reaches the pinnacle with her going into your dresser drawers in your bedroom and commenting on your intimate life with her son. Ask me how I know.) . If you feel you can't set a boundary around your privacy IN YOUR OWN HOME, then that is actually a significant problem, IMO.

Petuniaspetal · 29/12/2022 19:22

I did this for my sister and her husband. I was staying in their house while they were away on holiday and I scrubbed the place clean. Her hubby was delighted and said I could come to stay anytime. My sister was eternally grateful...she HATES CLEANING and her house is big ( 6 bedrooms, 1 ensuites 2 bathrooms and a mini loo ) so there's that which doesn't help. Took me 2 full days.

Also my brother and his wife loaned me his flat over Christmas once. Him and his wife are a bit through-other so I cleaned the flat before my friends came to Christmas dinner and then I scrubbed it clean afterwards too. Didn't stay in their bedroom though so no 'personal areas'. It was back to being its usual upendedness a few days after they came back ! Lol.

Bleachmycloths · 29/12/2022 19:26

Any chance your house was actually a bit dirty?

CheshireCat1 · 29/12/2022 19:28

I’d be over the moon.

Missingpop · 29/12/2022 19:32

Simple answer change the locks before you go & don’t give her a key!!
Does she need one?
it’s an invasion of your privacy; if she’s cleaned has she been snooping through drawers? reading letters?looking at thing you would not want a nosey mil to look at, I’d be going mental right now & she’d be getting told, never do it again!!!

Bleachmycloths · 29/12/2022 19:35

This is not aimed at OP: I never understand the claim from people who say “we are untidy but we are clean”
What do they do? Move all the mess and clutter, clean behind and under it then put it all back?
In my experience, messy and untidy usually means a bit dirty, too.

Winnipeg23 · 29/12/2022 19:38

I'd just change the locks or add an extra lock and avoid any conversation.
People always get offended.
If she asks about the new lock just say that ur not leaving spare keys with anyone as an issue of security etc etc.
No decent person has a right to ur key.

MotherThyme · 29/12/2022 19:39

I think the way you choose to interpret others actions can greatly affect your happiness. I think it's a shame to invent so much negative thoughts for someone else's intentions. Why not think positively instea.

See this as someone trying to be helpful which it sounds exactly what it is. I love it when my inlaws clean and tidy as life is just so busy with baby.

If it was noticeable that your fridge was clean then it was clearly dirty. What a kind thing to do, she has lightened your load and means you spend less time cleaning when back. Surely this is a win...

CountryMouse22 · 29/12/2022 19:57

Can you lend her to me please!

anon666 · 29/12/2022 19:58

I'd just accept the favour.