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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws cleaned our house while away....

465 replies

ohnnoclean · 28/12/2022 08:22

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

OP posts:
Cherrysherbet · 29/12/2022 20:03

I wish I had a mil to clean my house for me.
Send her round to mine.

katepilar · 29/12/2022 20:05

I would have hated that too, OP. Exactly the same feelings about it.

Kally64 · 29/12/2022 20:09

I would feel exactly the same as you, and that my privacy had been invaded.
When ever we went away my Mum would come round and do bits and pieces because she wanted to escape my Dad for a few hours, but that was agreed by me.
I can understand that you don’t want to create WW3, and the need to get the key back discretely.
I really feel that a few comments have been a little bit spiteful towards you 😊

pastypirate · 29/12/2022 20:11

I would love this!

Runnerduck34 · 29/12/2022 20:12

Actually I would love this! I mean I can see why you feel its intrusive but as long as she was genuinely trying to help and isn't making snide comments or going through personal stuff then I'd love coming home to a clean house.
But if you aren't happy with it you need to tell her that you find it intrusive so please dont clean next time.
I think we should swap dms/mils. Mine comes to stay and she never lifts a finger, I hate cleaning and would love it if someone lightened my load.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 29/12/2022 20:14

I'd love this. I hate cleaning.

My Mum comes over when I'm at work and cleans. I come home to a sparkling house. It's lovely!

Sometimes she walks the dogs too.

toomuchlaundry · 29/12/2022 20:21

Funny how it is only women who do this. Why do some women think cleaning is their role in life?

Ukrainebaby23 · 29/12/2022 20:29

We are at the outlaws for Xmas and I can see they are struggling a bit as the bathroom basins aren't as clean as previously. It's very difficult though to clean without MIL noticing and being either offended or upset, even though I'd be doing the cleaning for good reason. As it is I'm careful to try to clean what we use and leave it in a cleaner state, eg the bathroom, microwave etc

Maybe this needs to be approached by turning tables on mil...offer to go round and do a bit of cleaning there, re organise the drawer or something and see what she says. She has stepped over the line, though by the sound of it she was excited about trying to help, so consider being gentle.

I'm always offending people by trying to be helpful, but I do it with kindness in mind and not judgement, it just seems other people don't receive my help that way, so I'm sort of sad for the MIL.

Jellicoe · 29/12/2022 20:30

Oh just say thank you and be grateful. You are overthinking a kind gesture. We can swap MILs if you like? Mine would grumble about a dirty house AND not lift a finger

CrazyLadie · 29/12/2022 20:30

bigbadbarry · 28/12/2022 08:34

My MIL doesn’t visit very often but when she does she itches for me to leave the house so she can clean or organise something. She can’t help herself. I hate it because although she thinks she is helping it basically communicates that she thinks we are not good enough.

Is she that type of person or is this just how it makes you feel?I leave my Mum in my house for anytime and I come back and she has cleaned something, sometimes I have only gone to the toilet. She does it out of love, not because she thinks I am dirty, she knows I am messy which she struggle with but I just tell her I want a family home not show house 😁

MommaFox94 · 29/12/2022 20:36

I would say she was just being kind, trying to alleviate some (assumed) stress for you? I don’t think she would have had an ulterior motive, but I may just be naive!

Whenever my ex partner and I would housesit for his mum and dad when they went on holiday, I would always spring clean the house for them (both parents had very busy jobs/lives and two teenage children also) I’d hoover, clean, dust, mop, wash all the bedding and remake the beds for when they’d get back so that my ex MIL (we were engaged so not sure of the term for that?) would be able to get in and just relax as much as possible! I only ever did it to be kind, because I knew how busy and stressful her life was so knew she’d appreciate it!

user1523010848 · 29/12/2022 20:38

Next time.. 1/ Close to the time you're leaving tell her you need the keys back, (you've mislaid yours). 2/ Make sure that your locks have been changed. 3/ Tell her the truth? 🤔😉

MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 29/12/2022 20:46

I'm with you op, it's judgemental and intrusive as fuck. My mil is similar, always trying to tidy and make studded comments about how many toys my child has and how I should have a clear out, even though my next child is due and I will obviously need the younger stuff.

At least your DH is uncomfortable. It's my DH one blind spot as he doesn't see how controlling it is because he only wants to view is as nice.

Nice would be offering and asking and accepting if no was the answer. Sneaking about behind your back is not on.

cantba · 29/12/2022 20:47

Oh op she is just being helpful. This is the kind of thing my late mum would have done. My inlaws on the other hand can't even out their cup in the dishwasher. I get you don't like it but its not necessarily done with malice.

Sainte · 29/12/2022 20:48

Is this all you have to worry about? A mother in law who wants to support you.
I agree reorganising cupboards is a step too too far.

Shes doing what the very old Grannies did. She thinks she’s helping, it’s what family is about. Just thank her and tell her to leave the cupboards and perhaps you could consider stopping being so precious. Strange that most older folk and Grannies name untidy and toys on floor as dirty. It’s a generational thing. She’s thinking she’s helping - and she is.
She’s not the problem (apart from the cupboard tidying). Live and let live. Xx

AliceOlive · 29/12/2022 20:56

Sainte · 29/12/2022 20:48

Is this all you have to worry about? A mother in law who wants to support you.
I agree reorganising cupboards is a step too too far.

Shes doing what the very old Grannies did. She thinks she’s helping, it’s what family is about. Just thank her and tell her to leave the cupboards and perhaps you could consider stopping being so precious. Strange that most older folk and Grannies name untidy and toys on floor as dirty. It’s a generational thing. She’s thinking she’s helping - and she is.
She’s not the problem (apart from the cupboard tidying). Live and let live. Xx

This is complete nonsense. My grandmother was born in 1915 and never do this to her children or in-laws.

You sound very lacking in empathy or common sense.

toomuchlaundry · 29/12/2022 20:58

Why are people saying she is doing it from love when OP has stated the MIL is aggressive and they have to be careful what they say to her

cavalier · 29/12/2022 21:05

Oh I don’t think I’d like that unless I’d been pregnant or unwell …
I personally think that’s rude
I wouldn’t dream of doing this for my daughter in laws .. unless they asked me I’d love to then to help out would be lovely as my youngest boy has 3 little ones and my eldest a 8 month old

no defo don’t clean a house unless asked or offer if somebody incompacitated

Nave · 29/12/2022 21:13

My mother-in-law always did this when we were away. I loved it! I guess it depends on your relationship with her. I never felt judged by her - we just both knew our strengths and mine wasn’t housework!!

mediumbrownmug · 29/12/2022 21:17

Can we please just clarify on this thread that ignoring someone’s stated boundary when they say “no” is NEVER helpful or okay? It’s never something to be “grateful” for, and it’s never a sweet gesture.

Is there something inherently wrong in cleaning up for someone else? Absolutely not. But there IS something inherently wrong in disrespecting and ignoring others when they tell you no and set a boundary. It’s never wrong to offer to help in any capacity, and accept that the answer may be no. But that’s not what happened here at all.

Daffi · 29/12/2022 21:22

Have you checked your DH didn't ask them to do it?

Ilikeredtoomuch · 29/12/2022 21:22

Give her a break. I think grandparents like to help. They are tuned in to do so. One day we will all be grandparents and will do the same. Let your kids see your in laws helping and then they will let you help when it’s your turn. Personally, I think we should all appreciate our in laws more and stop being so suspicious of them. Like I said, it will be our turn soon enough.

toomuchlaundry · 29/12/2022 21:27

@Ilikeredtoomuch you can be a nice MIL without coming into someone’s house when they have asked you not to and rearrange their cupboards

LovingTheAbbreviations · 29/12/2022 21:32

I can see how this might make you feel like she is judging you about the cleanliness of your house, and it’s VERY annoying how she doesn’t hassle ur hubby about cleaning, but at the end of the day - free cleaner! I would love it if anyone popped in to clean my house and wouldn’t care if they thought I was a messy cow. It’s good to have a reason to live and hers must be cleaning. Sounds wonderful! Make some mess and have her over! 😂 Then send her round mine!

AliceOlive · 29/12/2022 21:39

It’s a bit like sexual preferences, isn’t it? Someone else might find something lovely, but you don’t get to tell others what they should enjoy.