In laws cleaned our house while away....

[ohnnoclean]

We were away for Christmas. In laws have our key for emergencies. The night before we left, in laws came round. I was in the middle of packing and a lot of things were everywhere ( but the house wasn't actually dirty ).

MIL kept saying, ' don't worry about cleaning the house before you leave, you won't have time '.. ( she's been asking me whether I was packed to go for about a week before I left. I don't pack a week early. I tend to pack the day before and I always manage fine. I travel a lot and always have and have traveled with my kids a lot too, so I do know what I'm doing..

Anyhow, the house wasn't dirty, there was just clothes everywhere as I was packing. MIL kept repeating I should not worry about cleaning.. kind of annoyed me, as it wasn't dirty. But OK.. I ignored it. She then said she'd come and clean while we were away. I said no don't worry at all, it's not dirty..

Of course, we got back and it's clearly been cleaned a bit ( fridge has been cleaned, for example ). Of course I'm grateful and I've said thanks. But I'm really uncomfortable with it. I assume she thinks I'm a dirty cow of course. Just the way she kept saying I shouldn't worry about cleaning - when it wasn't really dirty. The fact she was here when we were not here and the fact I had declined the offer of her cleaning my house.. it's annoyed me. I won't start a fight over it, but next time we go away, this can't happen.

My mum does this when they come round or are in the house for a bit on their own. I bloody love it

My MIL, Aunts and my mother always did this. This was what the oldies in my family did. They thought they were helping and they were and it was about being in a family. It was/is a family tradition.
I still think rearranging cupboards is a step too far.
I always appreciated coming home to the specially tidy home even although it was ok when we left it. They’d put flowers on the table.
I just don’t understand why some are irked. I recall once coming home to a hanging basket (I’m not keen on hanging baskets) but was done from love.
Sorry you’re not enjoying this.

It comes loaded with judgement and accompanied by comments about how our new year resolutions need to be to tidy up more, and she also tells her friends and family how inadequate I am (no judgement for DH because he is a man therefore it is my responsibility). I know she does because she tells me how awful her other DIL’s housekeeping is, and her neighbours. I realise that not everybody is like that! If there was even a hint of recognition that we actually don’t want to live in a show home - the house is a normal amount of tidy, I promise it is not going to appear on hoarders any time soon. There is a pile of books and magazines on the coffee table (because we are reading them!) and my son’s school books are in a pile (one pile, orderly) on the dining table. There is one pair of shoes in the hall not put away - then I think it would be easier to take. She can’t accept that different people have different levels of comfort and just thinks —we— I am slovenly. And it seems the OP has similar issues but I am quite happy to accept that some people do it from love, to help. My own mother does.

I would delighted if someone did this for me while I was away. I wouldn't feel at all "judged". How nice that she has gone to the trouble to tidy up and clean for you. You are going to spend a lot of your life getting offended and huffy over nothing.

My mother in law was the same, cleaned house while away, told me I hung the washing the wrong way on the line (apparently upside down), every top I bought for baby/toddler son the neck was apparently too big and needed elastic in it, embarrassed me Infront of her friends, showing off, when I visited and showed them the new clothes I bought for son by saying oh I thought I bought all his clothes (she didn't) and that they were horrible colours, her friends did stick up for me. I held son too much, he should have a bath every night and morning. There's more but I won't bore you, the next mother in law was worse thank god the children were grown by then, LOL. Just the luck of the draw. You got off lightly.

The fact that she repeatedly commented before you left does make me think she was judging.

If your OH feels uncomfortable with his mum’s actions he needs to speak to her now and leave you well out of it..

Thank you for saying this. The number of people who think the OP should be happy about someone doing something to her home she does not want us really shocking!

I don’t think men would be expected to put up with anything similar. “FIL reorganized my garage.” Or whatever.

I'd have loved this! If she'd not cleaned my oven though, I would've asked her to do a proper job next time 😂

Yes well done! These acts completely controlling. Don’t start me on garden “tidying”. Ususally performed by those who think of a garden as some sort of outside room rather than a piece of nature.

God I would love it if someone came and cleaned my house! Fair enough if you don't though, I'd just tell her. Thanks, but no thanks MIL

People are missing the point here. There’s no need to explain nor defend the ‘mess’. In fact, the whole house could have been strewn with the discarded clothes you decided to unpack and leave behind. You don’t have to live by your MIL’s standards nor anyone else’s. I would be annoyed too.

That was really rude and intrusive of her.

I would hate this!! Especially as she said to not worry about it while your packing, it's as though it was her intention to do it, and how you told her not to do it, and she still did it.. she crossed the line.

My MIL did something similar, cleaned the bin I'm out bedroom while we were gone, there could have been anything in there, cond.. etc lol. I was livid when I got back!

I asked my partner to tell her to not clean the bins, but she came up to me after to say sorry about it.. it's like she know her son does not mind the bins being cleaned, so she knew the message came from me.

I would say to your partner to sort the situation out or they get the keys taken off. And to make sure MIL thinks it comes from both of you, and not just you.

I think it’s a lovely thing to do. I’m a mum of 2 adult sons. And think mum of sons get the short straw too often. She’s only being kind and helpful. Don’t take it the wrong way by reading into it. She probably just wants to be your friend. Would you be upset if your mum cleaned up for you? I suspect not. I have friends who have daughters and feel very envious sometimes. Mums of sons do double the work for half the rewards!!

Would you be upset if your mum cleaned up for you?

Yes.

Would you be upset if you invited a friend round and they started tidying your house without permission. I expect you would.

You don't get to decide other people's boundaries. End of.

@ohnnoclean

thought about this a lot.

I think they were trying to be nice.
Not saying you are dirty atall.
I would be greatful.
I find all people clean differently so it's good to have different people do the same room over time as they clean different places ( after the obvious is done).
so anyone would see different things the ones before didn't.
so be happy and don't get hung up.

end of the situation.

This has got really interesting, with lots of people saying it is kind, accept it for what it is
and others saying it is judgemental and overstepping boundaries.

Some of you will become MiL to a DiL, when she marries your son (or daughter). Just make sure you know which way your DiL and thus your son ( or daughter) will view cleaning and tidying and rearranging cupboards unasked and when you haven’t even discussed it.
And if you get it wrong, then please don’t come here to complain you never get to visit your child and DiL, while her mother has a key

Worth thinking about?

ps my MiL is no longer welcome in our home, too many fingers checking dust and too many weeds pulled up.

Pss my own mum never did this as she knows me too well and would not dare to touch my stuff. She prefers a relationship with me and DH and our kids over her need to clean my picture frame tops

@Justellingthetruth so do you clean your friends’ houses when you visit them, rearrange their cupboards, then get aggressive if any of them question you about it?

As PP have said, you know them best, especially your DH, but as you know it was clean and tidy, I don’t know why you are so worried about being judged. The overstepping of boundaries, yes.

This kind of thing used to annoy me, but now would be grateful for the help. The fridge especially - it’s a time consuming job and easier to do/empty while you are away. The exception is sorting out cupboards - hate them being rearranged as I can’t find anything.

Maybe it's more to do with your relationship than the actual cleaning, my DIL who calls me mum I would tidy for however I would not dream of doing it for my other DIL unless she agreed as she would hit the roof, if she was ill or had a baby I would take food round but only a token as she is super organised, I love them both and know them, my knee jerk reaction was you are ungrateful but now I think, you need to get to know each other, my son and DIL lived with us while renovating a house, I really got to know her better than before, she sorted my cupboards and organised my fridge, bless her. However having only sons I understand it's hard for MILs, fortunately my second DIL sees me as Mum, she is the daughter I was promised by a gypsy!! I always say I have 3 children and a wonderful DIL I would love my DIL to be classified as my child but I know she wouldn't want to be. When my son married my dil, who calls me mum, my name card said mother of the Broom so yes I would clean for her and have. I think you need to spend a girly day together and get to know each other

Why did your DIL sort your cupboards @thiswillbedisplayedwhenyoupost? I just don’t see why anyone thinks this is something they should do in someone else’s house?

I can't figure out how rearranging someone's cupboard is an act of love and we should be grateful?
I don't think my mum has ever opened one of mine never mind went for a plunder through it.

Because I have a very busy job and not organised at all and my cupboards drove her potty, I wish I was as organised as she is, I love her for helping me gutted when they moved out x